Tattooed

Summary: "I've lost everything to drugs, do you know that?" Sakura told him with tears in her eyes. "The funny thing is I've never even touched a drug in my life and yet it destroyed me. It took everything." She turned to face him then. "Please, don't let it take you away from me. I won't be able to handle it, not this time, not again." S x S.

Author's Note: Fashion Fairy 26, lhaine07, xXBlossomofShadowsXx, Gina, SweetSeductionCherryB, deadflo, PrincessNevermore:

I love all of my family. I've got a big family, so there's plenty of love to go around. I'm partial to my mom though, beautiful sweet mom. I love her the most, probably. Can never really say why.

Special word to Gina. Get a Fanfiction account, sweet.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

xxxix.

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and
through
then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
and even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me

- Thank You/Dido

Memories are generally like a flood, guarded by the gate, a mind block that comes with a long, established learning. Once the gate opens, generally, there's no sealing it shut again. Not a second time, no.

It had been a long time ago, during autumn, if Sakura wasn't wrong, at school with painting class being the end of classes for the school day. Sakura had skipped halfway home with Tomoyo, Touya, and Yukito. When her best friend and she had parted ways she then found her way home with her brother and his friend.

She'd thought he was just a friend, anyway.

The gate had been opened and closed behind, as Sakura removed her roller skates on the front porch and made her way into the house to have smelt a very acrid pong in the air. It was faint, like it'd filled the house over a few hours, but it was there nonetheless.

Touya had instructed Sakura to go into her room, sit with Yukito's CD-man, earphones in her ear and listen to whatever it played.

"Whatever you do, don't come out okay? No matter what you hear,"

Sakura remembered nodding, going to her room and doing exactly as he'd said. She hadn't even moved to bring her soft toy from the bed case. She simply sat on the chair and played the first track on whatever CD was already in the device.

That was probably the first time she'd heard Bach.

That was also probably the first time Sakura had smelt coke in her life.

*.*

The man with the long, smooth hair stood with Syaoran's paintings in front of him, scrutinizing them with his beady cat eyes, silver and sparkling in acceptance... or rejection? This had to be worse than even testing for cancer. The wait was endless, and the man chose pin drop silence as he looked through the paintings.

Syaoran stood in a corner of his office, looking over some of the small keepsakes in it and wondering where the man had collected them. What was his name? Syaoran wondered, as he looked around the room. God, this would be embarrassing. Imagine if there would be an instance where Syaoran would have to address the man by his name.

"I'm impressed," the man looked away from all seven canvases and pulled out a cigar case from his desk, offering Syaoran one. Syaoran declined.

Dark gray puffs filled the air for mere seconds before dissolving, leaving only the smell as proof of their emission.

"I take it these past few months have been eventful?"

Syaoran didn't nod.

"Clow would obviously like to speak with you,"

Clow. The man, who was responsible for this showcase, for Exhibit, would like to speak with him? Syaoran didn't say anything. He was speechless, to be exact.

"Maybe during the Exhibit, Clow is busy in Beijing this time around. As you can see, I handle all the selections and candidates,"

Syaoran finally found it in him to nod.

"That will be all," the man took one more puff of his cigar and turned to face the open window. Syaoran wondered if he was supposed to take the paintings with him or leave them with the man.

"Thank you, uh," he eyed the canvases one last time and almost turned to leave.

"Oh," the man turned around. "I never did give you my name,"

Syaoran stood stunned. No wonder.

"You may call me Yue,"

He may call him Yue? Who did the man think he was, Thor? This only gets weirder and weirder.

"Uh, thanks, Yue,"

"We shall meet soon, Syaoran Li,"

Syaoran somehow didn't like the way the man said his name.

*.*

On occasion, Lillian liked to spray paint on old torn down walls as and when asked by owners. It wasn't much of a job, and she pretty much did it for free, but it was fun to go along and just watch her work. She was a little eccentric in the way she did things, especially in the way she painted, but it was fun to watch nonetheless.

Syaoran walked with cans of spray paint out of the car and stood in front of the most worn down wall he'd ever seen. The bricks looked like they could fall off in bits if anyone even brushed by it accidentally.

"Why do you do these stupid things?" he questioned Lillian irritably as he placed the cans near the wall. "You complain about not having a real job and then you do this, waste time on the streets and in broken-down subway ruins."

Lillian said nothing as she stood watching the wall as if it were alive. Syaoran growled, exasperated.

"You're really starting to get on my nerves," he muttered as he scratched his chin. "What are you supposed to be doing here?"

"Role models, apparently. Any suggestions?"

"Gandhi," Syaoran said, without thinking twice.

Lillian looked at him with a twinkle in her eye. "I like that. I'm going to do that."

Syaoran didn't do much as he sat his behind on the ice cold pavement and watched Lillian get to work. She brought out her bandana, an old coat over the coat and pants she was already wearing. The weather seemed to only be getting colder as the hours passed by, one after the other.

"Let's take a lunch break," Syaoran told her as he eyed the graffiti on the wall. Lillian had managed to paint the background plain beige and started on an outline of Gandhi in black. He wondered how all these famous people had such a distinct physique. Take Gandhi for instance. There's no way even the silhouette of the man can be mistaken.

A five minute drive later they arrived at a nearby burger joint. Syaoran didn't really feel like having burgers but he agreed. Lillian had a lot of work to get done, after all, and it was already noon.

"Tell me a quote of Gandhi's you like," Lillian between slurps of her orange cooler. Currently the two of them were perched on a wall outside the cafe, facing the road.

"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind," Syaoran stated, suddenly feeling the urge to get high again. It was so strange. He hadn't felt it in days. Maybe mourning over the loss of Sakura did that. Lillian slurped some more. The noise made his skin crawl, his tongue dry. It made him want to smoke a little more, made him wonder who he could go to get his hands on some.

"Where there is love there is life," Lillian quoted.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." Syaoran tried this time. This was fun. It kept his mind off his own shit.

"Too long," Lillian punched in as she bit her burger. Till the end of their meal they remained quiet. Finally, it was Syaoran who broke that silence as they made their way to the car to head back to the site.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world,"

Lillian looked over the car. "Be the change. Hmm. I like it."

Syaoran grinned at her before getting into the car.

Sometime between nine and ten in the night Lillian had finally finished. A fine, distinct black outlined Gandhi's head while the words were sprawled across the lower part of the wall. Lillian had done a brilliant job of it.

By the time Syaoran got into bed, the urge was completely gone.

*.*

After having submitted the paintings Syaoran really had no purpose in life. A week away from the Exhibit he now spent most of his time catching up on some old reading work and looking for old bookstores and the like. It kept his mind busy but sometimes, the smallest stray thought would come settle into his head.

Like this particular day, as he lazed on his couch, he glanced, albeit by mistake, at Sakura's balcony. It was open. He sat up straight, wondering what had brought that on. He then looked away, slowly, unhappily.

Was she alone?

The doorbell saved him from his heavy thinking, though it made him wonder if Sakura had caught him snooping and now came over. Wishful thinking, it was called, and it was called so for a reason.

"Hello," came Lillian's greeting, thickened by her accent and appearance.

"What're you doing here?"

"Thought I'd come see my chum. Why? Is that a problem?"

Syaoran felt an invisible line being crossed somewhere, somehow, but he shook his head at it.

"I thought we'd hang out, watch some TV," she shrugged off her coat and threw it on the kitchen counter. Syaoran sighed. The girl was loud, obnoxious and messy.

"I was actually doing some reading." He told her as a matter-of-factly.

"Read aloud then,"

"I don't read aloud."

"Fine, I'll read aloud." She grabbed his book and read the title. "The Time Keeper. Huh."

"I was on the third page." Syaoran sat with his legs up on the coffee table and his back relaxed against the cushions of his couch. God that felt good. He'd been a ridiculously useless that day and yet he felt so tired.

"Imagine a life without timekeeping," she started. "You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures— Syaoran," Lillian tapped Syaoran on the head lightly at first, and then she slapped him straight.

"What? What?" he got up anxious. When had he fallen asleep?

"If you find it so boring why would you read it?"

"I don't find it boring, I find it relaxing."

Lillian hummed. "Been a little on the edge, have you?"

Syaoran hummed back.

"Syaoran,"

He opened one eye lazily.

"Would you hate me very much if I kissed you right now?"

In another world, that question would have scared Syaoran just a little bit. Fact was, it did in this world too. Yet, he sat still with his hands over his chest, his eyes now open.

"Lillian,"

"I know, I know. You're still in love with Sakura, and you might never stop and blah blah blah." She now leaned in, her face too close to his. "Haven't you thought about moving on, though?"

For the first time in a long time, Syaoran went blank. Move on? Sure, Syaoran had thought about giving up hope on the entire idea of Sakura but... moving on? Then, all thoughts left him. Not a single thing went through his head as she came closer, leaned in a little more and gently rubbed her lips over his pursed ones.

That was when Syaoran finally stood up and pushed her away.

Of all the things unholy and impure.

"Lillian,"

"Don't,"

"I'm sorry, Lillian. I didn't think—"

"I know."

"I don't think I can—"

"I know, doll."

Syaoran felt his breath, shallow and heavy, as he tried to calm himself.

"I don't want to lose you. We're friends, right? Can we forget this happened?" Lillian asked him with her hands clasped in her lap.

Syaoran hugged her then, his face in her hair. She smelled of peaches, and it smelled all wrong. So wrong that he almost pulled away, but he stayed still. Rejecting her once had been bad enough.

"You are my best friend, Lillian Fitzgerald," he pulled away to look into her eyes, his hands on her cheeks. "And you would make some guy very lucky,"

"Just not you,"

"Don't say that. It's not just because of Sakura, you know."

"I know." She pulled away.

"No." He pulled her back. "It's not you, either.

"I know saying it's not you, it's me is going to be so cliché, but that's what it is. Right now, I am the problem. I'm screwed up, Lill, and I have no way of making you happy right now. I don't think I can function normally in a relationship right now, not until I know I will not slip back to my old ways for certain.

"I left Sakura because I wasn't good enough to be hers, right now. That means I'm not good enough to be yours, or anyone else's either. So please, don't let this hurt you. Don't take it personally. I love you, Lillian. You have no idea what a good friend you've been; the best in fact. The best friend I've ever had.

"You've been my rock, Lill. I will always be in your debt for what you've done for me these past few months. You were there for me when I needed you the most. Thank you," he kissed her cheek and wiped her eyes. "Thank you,"

Lillian said nothing as she pulled away. She said nothing when she sat back on the couch and resumed reading either.

She didn't say anything when she left.

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

QUESTION: If you could go back, change something, what would it be?

I myself am not too happy with this chapter, maybe I'll work on changing it. What did you guys think?

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