There's no excuse, I was lazy.

Hope you'll enjoy the next chapter! I'll post an update around the weekend!

Warnings: Language

8.

Too far gone

My dear friend,

we don't know each other yet, but I'm sure you'll get to know me very well soon. My name's Beth Greene, I'm 19 and I will tell you lots of things from now on. I know, it sounds creepy, but you're the only one I can talk to at the moment, you're the only one who will listen, to whom I can tell my sorrows. It's not that I'm alone – but that's a long story...

I've had friends like you before, you know. I burned the last one on the run. Funny story, isn't it? But don't worry, I don't plan on burning you, I only did it because I was desperate. I found you in a store the other day and picked you up. You were just laying on the ground and I kind of thought that it was a sign or so. That I should take you with me, because sooner or later I'd need you. You probably wonder, why I'm telling you that. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe I just want to chat a little bit, before I'm going to tell you the serious stuff.

Actually I think girls in my age shouldn't write in diaries, don't you think? Not because I think it's particularly bad, but because I think I should rather talk this things through with my friends or my sister. But in this world as it is now, it's not a matter of course to have friends at all, and especially not to have someone to talk to. But I'm chitchatting again, so let me tell you, why I need you now to be my friend.

My father died a few weeks ago. Well he didn't die in any common way, he was rather beheaded...

Excuse me, I left you for a while. I couldn't stand talking about it yet. Since it happened I never could talk it through with anybody. My sister... left and I don't know where she is. Or if she's still alive. I've never been without my family in my whole life, except for a few weeks in summer camps or so, but that doesn't count. Now they're all gone! Except for Maggie, who's my sister, everyone's dead, and she probably is too. But even if she isn't I don't know where she is and I miss my family so badly.

I'm with Daryl now, we're on the road again. We had to leave the house we lived in for a couple of days after we had to leave the prison, it wasn't safe anymore. I don't think I need to tell you about the house or the prison, because they're gone and to be honest I don't think it matters. But since then everything went down the drain.

Daryl is really complicated and I don't get a thing of him. We got into a real severe fight and he was really mad at me, I kind of thought he'd punch me. Actually I don't think he'd ever do that, but I've barely seen him this angry. But I don't think Daryl would hit a girl. Well, as a matter of fact he didn't even touch me since we left the house. Or at least not voluntarily.

He doesn't talk to me either. Sometimes he does say things, but only if it's absolutely necessary. I don't know how to bear this any longer. Well, you must know we've known each other for a while, but in the past few weeks things have become kind of... different between us. I don't even know how it happened but when we were at the house, it got so intense between us. I really have... had... I don't know... a crush on him. It sounds so stupid when I write this down, but I want to be honest with you. He flirted with me and we kissed and had a crazy night together and... I really thought we might... become something... or so. Or I don't know what I thought. But what happened was beyond friendship.

I don't even know how to explain this, since you don't know us. When I read my own words, it sounds ugly and crazy and I don't even know why I fell for him in the first place. Yet I did.

I don't know what I was thinking. He's so different from me. I mean... he's like 13 years older than me. Is this crazy? He's been some kind of redneck guy before the apocalypse, I think he did lots of drugs and alcohol back then, and to be honest I think he did some criminal stuff, too.

A while ago I said to him, that it doesn't matter who you were, but who you are now and I still think so, but then again it does matter. I don't judge him for being what he was. I really don't care. But all the things he was and did, they still put a lot of pressure on him. He's got like so many skeletons in his closet and he doesn't know how to handle his past. I can see that, I learn it from what he's saying and doing. He's very concerned about everything, but he'd never talk about anything. I know he has a lot of weight to carry, he feels guilty and responsible for a lot of things and I can't blame him for that. I think he's seen and experienced more ugly things than I have. I just wished he'd let me in.

Well my friend, the thing is, it's been gotten really ugly between the two of us... We have said very bad things to each other. I wouldn't say that I'd particularly take back what I said, but maybe I should've put it in different words. And oh you don't know Daryl yet... He can be pretty offending. I think he said a lot of things that he actually didn't mean. But yet I really don't know how to cope with it. I don't know how to cope with all oft it. It shouldn't be like that! I'm sick and sad and I want some comfort, but there's no way in getting it, save telling you stuff. I can barely sleep because toss and turn over my thoughts and I hate myself for being so weak.

I don't want to complain, but I think I'm overstrained with all of it. I'm sorry for whining about all those things I can't change. I know I have to integrate into that world but this is easier said than done.

So, what do you have to say to all of this? Oh yeah sure, you're a good listener, but when it comes to talking you're just like him. Whatsoever, thanks for listening. It's a relief to tell this to someone. I think I'll get back to you soon. — Beth

xxx

Daryl was speeding the car along the road. Beth felt uncomfortable, but she didn't want to make a comment on it, because she thought he needed it to calm down. She could see he was furious, yet she didn't like the way he was venting his anger. For a while they drove in silence but when he wouldn't stop speeding the car like a madman she asked him to stop.

"Daryl, did you hear me?" she asked in a high pitched voice when he ignored her. "Please, stop the car."

He didn't reply and rushed the car through a deep road hole.

"DARYL!" she exclaimed. "Stop it!"

He darted an angry look at her but continued on ignoring her protest.

"Fuck, I told you to stop that god damn car!" she squeaked panicking a little bit. "JUST STOP IT!"

He slammed on the brakes and she was thrown forward in her seatbelt. She caught her breath for a second an then looked at him in anger.

"Are you fucking kidding me? What is this even about?"

He just stared at the wheel as if he was going to explode but he didn't say a word.

She fumbled for words, not knowing how to handle this situation, when he suddenly slashed at the dashboard causing her to flinch in her seat, opened the door and left the car.

"Hey...," she said, but he quickly walked away from the vehicle. She hastily released the belt and followed him.

"HEY!" she exclaimed. "Will you please stop and talk to me?"

He turned around an stared at her furiously.

"What d'ye want?" he snarled at her. "What ye want me to say, huh?"

"I... I just... Oh my god, why are you so mad?"

"Are YOU fucking kiddin' me?" he snapped. "Did ye even realize what just happened?"

"Daryl," she tried to calm him. "I... it turned to be alright, didn't it? We're alright."

"Just leave it, Beth."

Now she was getting mad, too. He just couldn't be either being mad as hell or silent as a mute to her.

"No, I don't leave it. You calm the fuck down. We did everything that was right!"

"We did what ye think's right. I shouldna ever listened to yer crap. I told ya that boy's no good, but ye wouldn't listen."

She felt as if he had punched her, but before she could reply, he continued: "Ye were goin' on an' on over there's still good people an' all that shit. I don't even know why I listened to ya in the first place, but all that bullshit got me totally messed up."

She felt sick. His words hurt her.

"This whole thing was a mistake, Beth. Everythin'."

She furrowed her brows at him in anger.

"What... what are you even talking about?"

He made a vague gesture towards her.

"Jus' everythin'! You, me and that whole bullshit with the house. I don't know what ye did to get my head all muddled up, but I'm done with it. From now on we do what I say and ye keep ya mouth shut about all that bullshit. No more singin' and no more actin' all sweet and girly, no more crap about good people."

It was as if a fist clenched around her stomach. It was mean and unfair what he said. It wasn't as if she had tried to seduce him. It wasn't as if he didn't encourage contact with her himself.

"Go to hell Daryl Dixon!" she hissed. "This is not my fault! As if none of this... mattered to you."

"Well it didn't!" he snarled back.

"You're talking crap and you know that!"

"I'm sorry, girl, if this doesn't fit to yer idea of me, but it's as I said. It was bullshit an' it's over."

She felt as if he had hit her stomach hard. It was so mean, and she knew that he only said it because he was mad at her.

"You're such a bloody liar! Why would you even ask me to sing to you in a candlelit room, if there's nothing you want from me?" she said in a high pitched voice.

"Maybe I just did tha' because I wanted t' FUCK ye!"

She felt as if he slapped her face. She was lost for words about his disgracing insults and despair started to choke her.

"Why do you say such things?" she asked in a strained voice.

"Because it's the truth, Beth!" he snapped.

"No it's not," she replied, her voice trembling. "It's not, it's just a stupid lie. You're such a jerk, you know that? You're always just mean to people when you're not able to cope with your feelings. You hurt people, so you won't get hurt first."

"Just stop yer stupid psychology talk. Ye know nothin' about me!"

The state of shock she had been paralyzed by slowly turned to real anger.

"I fucking know you better than you know! I can read you like a book, put that in your pipe and smoke it!" she snapped back at him. "If you just wanted to fuck me, why didn't you do it then?"

"Because I still have the sense t' know that there's one thing that's worse than a stupid naggin' bitch an' that's a stupid naggin' pregnant bitch!"

Another hard slap. She raised her shoulders as if she was asking someone to help her when she searched for words that could argue with such impudence. But she didn't succeed and anger was raging in her chest. She opened her mouth once or twice before just letting her shoulders sink. For a moment she thought she'd burst out into tears, but then she turned around, yanked the driver's door open and shouted: "Get into that goddamn car!"

"What?" he yelled at her, but she ignored him and plunked down into the driver's seat.

"GET IN!"

She realized that he was irritated by her sudden hysteria and he approached the car with big angry steps. He flung the passenger's door open.

"What the hell, Beth?" he snarled.

"Get in or I swear to god, I'll leave without you!"

He collapsed into the passenger's seat and stared at her with an annoyed look.

"Put your seatbelt on."

"Are ye fuckin' kiddin' me?"

"Fine." she snapped and stepped on the gas while swerving the car. Daryl was dashed against the door and gaped at her in anger.

"Are you mad?"

"I said put you fuckin' seatbelt on!" she hissed. She was seething with rage. This was literally the worst fight she'd ever had with someone. Actually she thought, that until she had met him, she'd never had to fight so often. And he was the most mean and offending person she'd ever met in her whole life. She was so furious it made her even more angry that they had stopped shouting at each other. She drove faster than she'd ever done in her whole life, she didn't know where she was heading for and she felt tears burn in her eyes. She didn't want to cry, but she was so mad, she couldn't suppress it any longer.

"Beth!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Stop it, you're insane!"

"Oh am I?" she squeaked back. "But when you do, it's not, isn't it?"

"Beth..." he panted and she heard that he was really worried. "Please..."

She slowed down and stopped the car in the middle of the road.

"What?"

"Where are ye goin' to?"

She breathed heavily.

"Don't know, where were you going to?"

"Fuck it's as if I'm talkin' to a fuckin' child," he replied.

"So that's what you think of me? I'm a child?"

"Would you just shut up?" he yelled at her. "I've never heard such a nonsense."

"If you don't wanna hear nonsense, maybe stop talking yourself."

He groaned in irritation.

She started the car.

"I'm going to find a place for the night." she snapped.

"Fine!" he yelled back.

They set off. Beth felt her anger calm and turn into despair and sadness. She hated herself for what she said and she hated him for what he told her. It was too much for her and she didn't know how to handle the situation anymore. She didn't know where to go or what to do, so she kept on driving, hoping that she'd finally find a place to stay.

xxx

Three days. It had been three days since they had rashly left. Three days without a bed or a shower and three days in silence. Daryl didn't bother so much, but he knew she did. She had become very quiet. Quiet and sad. There wasn't a bit left of that glooming and hopeful girl she'd been a couple of days ago. And he hold himself responsible for her grief. He thought that he had maybe overreacted. That this boy wasn't a danger and that he'd just been scared after all. But he needed to protect her, this time he wouldn't allow himself to fail. How could he trust anyone after everything that had happened? How could he risk Beth getting hurt or worse, after not being able to save her father?

He did indeed regret what he had said to her and he knew he didn't mean what he told her. Yet it had been right to do so. There was no way to make things work between them, not like this. She would get over it – sooner or later. He had noticed that she had started to write in a small notebook and he thought it was a good sign. At least she seemed to have found something to do.

He sighed and shoved himself away from the front lid which he had been leaning against. It was dark and cold and he was freezing, so he decided to move a little while taking watch.

Beth was sleeping on the backseats of the car, or at least she had curled up into a ball and wasn't moving as he could tell by the silhouettes of her slender figure that he could see through the windows. He felt a pang of guilt dart through his stomach and quickly looked away. Not only felt he guilty because of everything he had said to her, but because he couldn't offer her anything better than sleeping in the car huddled under her coat. She deserved better and self-doubt made him feel sick.

He circled the car trying to get his circulation livened up. He was tired of their situation. It had only been three days, but to him it felt as a lifetime. When the sun finally began to dawn he knocked at the window to waken her. Immediately she sat up and he could tell by the dark circles under her eyes, that she hadn't slept at all. They stared at each other for a moment, than she broke the glance and opened the rear door to get out. She wrapped her arms around her and hugged herself while jumping up and down to get warm.

He opened the trunk and picked out two cans. With growing concern he noticed that their stocks faded quicker than he had thought. He offered Beth one of the cans and decided that soon they would have to find a house or store to sweep.

They finished their meals in silence and Beth tossed her can away to open the driver's door.

"What ye doin'?" he asked, raising his brows at her.

"You were up all night, I'll drive, you sleep." she answered snippy.

He sighed again but nodded. He felt sick about standing helpless in the face of their situation. When they took off he gave her a short glance from the side. She had clenched her jaw and her face was frozen. He knew she just wanted him to close his eyes, so she could pretend to have some rare private time and he decided to do her the favour. And soon he wasn't only pretending to sleep, because the exhaustion of the previous days overwhelmed him and he didn't see the silent tears streaming down the girl's face.