Maura was shaking. She could feel every muscle, every nerve, every inch of her body trembling as she fumbled her way into her house. As soon as she made it inside she shut the door loudly and leaned back against it trying to take deep breaths, her entire body feeling unstable as if it were about to collapse underneath her. Jane was pregnant. Of all the things Maura had imagined to happen that was certainly not one of them. She shut her eyes and tried to calm herself down but the sound of her rapid breathing and hammering heart filled her ears, her chest felt tight and her breath restricted to sharp shallow gasps for air. She didn't want Jane to be pregnant, it was a horrible and selfish wish but it was true and she could not deny it. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. No. This was all wrong. She didn't know how she was going to deal with this. Children change everything Maura didn't need to be told that. And Jane's child, a child that wasn't hers, could never be her's she didn't know what to do. Jane would have to tell Casey eventually and what if he came running back to be the baby's father…what would happen to Maura? Would she be discarded again like she always was when Casey came back? Her heart felt like it had been ripped to shreds, she hated herself for being so selfish but she hated Jane as well. How could she do this to her? It wasn't fair.
As she walked into the kitchen her phone started ringing, discarding it on the counter she knew it would be Jane. Again. The detective hadn't stopped calling her since she had walked out of the morgue. She didn't want to talk to Jane, not now. She had nothing to say, or more accurately she didn't know what to say. There were no words in any language that could express how she was feeling. No combination of any 26 letters would work.
She leaned on the counter listening to the continuous buzz of her phone, she wondered if she answered what Jane would say. It felt like an eternity before her phone finally fell quiet and she was plunged back into the silence of her house. It was too much for her, she was alone again. She was always alone. It had been reckless of her to put so much hope into one person. As she was consumed by the silence she felt the tears start to prickle in her eyes, she didn't want to cry she didn't want to feel any emotions at all, she just wanted to be numb. But that was impossible, she was only human.
Leaning over the sink she cupped her hands under the running water and splashed it on her face, trying desperately to get herself together. The ice cold water was a shock to her skin, she let the water run down her face as she looked up everything inside her suddenly felt still. When she realised she had been holding her breath she suddenly emitted a loud sob as she desperately gasped for air, letting herself crumble against the sink as her tears began to fall.
Suddenly the kitchen door opened and Angela came in concern strewn across her face as if she were looking at one of her own three children.
"Maura? Honey, are you alright?" worry filled her voice as she came closer to Maura and placed a hand on the doctors back softly.
Maura didn't reply straight away, she couldn't. She felt humiliated that Angela had come in and frustrated that she couldn't get privacy in her own home to cry. Gathering herself quickly she wiped her tears and stood up straight, Angela looked at her with deep concern she didn't see Maura break down very often in fact it was really only once in the hospital that Angela had seen her absolutely distraught, and that didn't seem like a patch on the shattered girl who stood in front of her now.
"Yes I'm, I'm fine" Maura said trying to give Angela a reassuring look that she knew wasn't going to work.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be sorry" Angela said her eyes searched Maura's face for answers.
"Should I call Jane?"
"No!" Maura shouted the sudden outburst startling Angela and she looked at Maura even more worried.
"Did she do something to you?" she asked slowly.
Yes. She's pregnant. Maura shook her head. She couldn't tell Angela. Not like this.
"No no please, it's fine" Maura begged her "I'm fine" she felt her neck beginning to itch from the constant stream of lies she was having to tell.
"Are you sure?" Angela was unconvinced.
"Yes" said Maura.
"You know you can talk to me honey" Angela said her voice softening "I'm always here to listen"
Maura just looked at her her hazel eyes glazed over with tears, she needed to be by herself or at least she thought she did.
"I have to um…I have to go" Maura said sweeping her phone off the table and quickly leaving the room. The second time in one day she had run from a Rizzoli.
She collapsed on her bed and stared at her phone which showed the 5 missed calls from Jane she had. She was still couldn't believe what was happening, it was like she had been thrown into some crazy parallel universe that she didn't want to be in. Shock was still travelling around her body, pushing through her veins. She stared at her phone trying to convince herself she would be okay by herself like she had been her entire life, but it didn't work this time, picking up the phone she dialled her mother.
"Maura?" Hope answered on the second ring.
"You said it would make me feel better" Maura said her voice croaky.
"You told her?" Hope seemed surprised how quickly Maura had taken her advice.
"She's pregnant" Maura was unable to stop the words escaping her mouth.
"Oh sweetie" Hope said sympathetically and Maura tried to keep the next round of tears at bay.
"Do you want me to come over?"
"No Mom, I'll be okay" The two of them fell silent, Maura suddenly realising what she had just said. It had just fallen out of her mouth so naturally, like it was something she had been saying to Hope her entire life. Hope's heart swelled as she heard her oldest daughter used that word, she knew it had most likely slipped out judging by the immediate silence that followed but she was so glad that it had. She was Maura's mom.
"I just don't know what to do" Maura said after recovering quickly from the accidental slip up.
"I didn't know who else to call, I'm sorry"
"Maura, don't be sorry I told you I'm here for you and I meant that" Hope said desperately wanting to take her daughter in her arms and hold her until she had forgotten all of her troubles.
Maura rubbed her face unfazed by the fact she was ruining her makeup, she figured it was probably already destroyed from the tears anyway.
"What should I do then" Maura asked quietly "I'm so mad at her"
"Honey" Hope said with a small sigh "It's not her fault she's pregnant these things happen that's what life is like, there are ups and downs and people make mistakes and hurt each other and sometimes you just have to stand up straight and walk through the storm"
"I don't want to" Maura felt her voice shake, she sounded like a stubborn little girl not wanting to do what her mother was telling her.
"Maura, she came to you" Hope reminded her "She came to you and told you, I can tell you that wasn't an easy thing for her to do"
Maura sighed, she was talking to the woman who had gotten pregnant with her at 18, she was probably going to be more on Jane's side than her own.
"What are you saying? I should just forgive her?" Maura asked with a frown staring up the ceiling of her room.
"What is there to forgive?" Hope asked "She hasn't done anything wrong… you told me you loved her Maura, that shouldn't change anything"
"I do love her" Maura struggled "I love her more than anything…"
"So what is your heart telling you to do?"
"I don't listen to my organs"
"Maura"
She sighed "I- I don't want to lose her but it just hurts, this wasn't meant to happen"
"I know sweetheart I know" Hope said her voice was becoming something of a comfort blanket to Maura.
"Life isn't fair I know that for a fact, but children are amazing you would probably make a great mother"
"It's not mine" Maura sighed and Hope just laughed.
"I know that but Jane is yours, maybe not officially but somewhere close to it, and from what you've told me Maura she cares about you and she loves you, this probably shocked her as much as it shocked you"
Maura groaned loudly, sitting up and staring at the wall in front of her realising the truth behind Hope's words and how terribly she had reacted when Jane had told her. She was supposed to be Jane's best friend above everything else and walking out was not what a best friend should have done.
"Maura, I acted badly when I found out you were my daughter and nearly ruined everything, I don't want you to do the same with Jane" Hope said and Maura wanted to hang up, throw her phone across the room like a hormonal teenager. She hated that everything Hope was saying was so right.
"Walk through the storm" Maura mumbled quietly her thoughts moving to Jane, picturing what she was doing this very moment hating herself for dumping such a weight on their relationship? Thinking she had ruined everything with Maura? Maura shut her eyes as it occurred to her that the way she had reacted would have hurt Jane just as much as Jane hurt her with that news. Hope was right, it wasn't her fault, she had plucked up the courage to come and tell Maura because that's what they did, they were always there for each other.
"Storms pass" Hope added and Maura nibbled her lip.
"I think I need to go and talk to her" Maura concluded.
"You're a good person Maura, a strong person" Hope told her and Maura smiled slightly at her words.
"You're a good mother" she replied biting her lip, if there was one positive thing that came out of today it was that she had gotten that much closer to Hope, her mother and it felt good to have someone care about her, to give her words of advice and guidance. She didn't feel so alone anymore.
"Follow your heart Maura, not your head" Hope instructed her "When it comes to love your heart always makes things less complicated"
She was right. Maura's heart was telling her to go back to Jane, to apologise for her horrible behaviour and tell her how much she loved her then just move forward taking whatever happened as it came. But her head was conflicted, she wanted to hate Jane, she wanted to not speak to her for as long as possible she wanted to be mad but she didn't want to lose the detective. Jane had asked her what if, she had left the ball in Maura's court and Maura had just walked away. The medical examiner knew when to admit she was wrong, and as soon as she hung up with Hope she realised how appallingly she had acted. Yes she still had the right to be upset but she shouldn't have walked out, she shouldn't have left the woman she loved standing there in tears and alone. Love is special. Jane was special, Maura had never felt so attached to anyone in her life. Jane was the one person Maura wanted in her life forever, people come and go but Jane, she needed the detective, those wild dark curls and beautiful brown eyes, she needed those strong arms around her and the comfort of her husky voice. Jane had told her Casey was gone from her life and Maura knew she had meant it, she just needed to convince herself that a baby wasn't going to change that, or perhaps she just needed to trust Jane, trust that the brunette cared about her enough not to hurt her.
[This is important okay, I've had to add this in because I'm getting too many people say they're tuning out because of the pregnancy...firstly as I previously stated I have no interest in a Jane/pregnancy storyline and secondly it's not going that way. I hope you give the rest of this fic a chance because trust me...it's NOT going in the direction you're thinking it's going in, I wish I could tell you what's going to happen but that would ruin it wouldn't it?]
I have a busy week coming up so I'm sorry if the updates are a little slower.
Much love to you all even if you do call me "the worst" ;) please bare with me through the next couple of chapters…there are many things ahead to be excited about that will hopefully make you all understand why these past couple of chapters have been necessary (not wanted but necessary).
Again this story is not going down the road you're all expecting it to so please stay tuned in, it would mean a lot if you would stick with me through this patch.
Thank you for the support and as always let me know what you're thinking xx