Chapter 11: Testing Ground

§My first reaction was to swear; though I may have been apprenticed to Master Adi for nary a few months, I had come to respect her as a teacher, and as a friend. The former possibility was non-existent in my previous life, and the latter was a scarce occurrence, but I somehow did. Despite my bluster to the contrary, the Jedi Way made for some admirable character traits. I guess it might have been a side effect of my Force Syphon and subsequent advanced Master-Apprentice bond, but I had come to rely on her, not in the least because I was, for the most part, a clueless teen with an extremely lethal Hasbro toy.

I did not utter the profanity however, for two simple reasons: Aurek, I was not physically hurt – yet – and Besh, tombs with ghostly voices generally try to test you, and this being a Jedi installation, I somehow doubted that I was being tested for the size of my vulgar vocabulary. I forced (small 'F' younglings,) to think of this as a precursor to my Ilum adventure. Yes I had a functioning weapon, but if the Galaxy kept up with the status quo, I would lose it very soon. I gave it a solid two years of life, which in my opinion is extraordinarily optimistic.

Now, I was not a bookworm for nothing – just a note, I did not spend all my time researching the EU; I would oftentimes go on a fifteen K run for exercise and read then. So, back to point, having read a significant number of books on the military, I had some basic ideas. Expanding as much of my barely-trained awareness as I could and holding Master Adi's plain lightsaber in what I guessed was a suitably cautious on-guard position, I stalked the perimeter of the room, alternating between checking for threats in the centre of the room and on the walls.

Having done three circuits and determined that there most probably was something there, but if it wanted to kill me, it would have done so already, I began to spiral in towards the chamber's centre, giving a good look to the floor as I went.

I was never one for superstition; kept a clear head and worked with logic, and I did pay attention to my gut feelings, but I never put stock in signs – unless they were traffic sings that is. What I did take stock in, were stereotypes. When you are in a tomb, a disembodied voice welcomes you, and you get separated from you companion(s), chances are that either they or you are being tested.

Also, if you have not been killed yet, or if there was not a convincing effort to kill you, chances were that the place – or its guardian – or AI – or whatever – did not wish you dead – yet. The 'yet' part was often the tricky part; but here you had to look at things like statues, colour schemes, glyphs and all manner of details. Needless to say, monstrous monsters and One-Ring-style runes were generally not used by good guys, also needless to say, that an ancient Jedi Council starburst would not be used by Sith just for you. Equally as needless, if you were in a plain room with no nothing, and said starburst had a circular centre that differed in pattern from its surroundings, you were meant to step on it.

All precautions taken care of, i.e. heavy object thrown, Force-push used, cloak thrown, leap through centre of room, you get the picture, walked over and stood on the lift plate myself. Nothing happened. I was still alive and in the same room. I guess automatic doors were a stretch at the time of this tomb's construction. A directed Force-nudge, straight below me started the platform on its decent.

§The elevator ride was not all that long, I would guess at roughly fifteen meters, and surprisingly uneventful. Or maybe it was just my attitude. I was not a pessimist by nature, no, but I had this attitude: find three things that were bad, are bad, or can be bad. Then consider the bright side. It never failed me to date, not once. Overcaution was better than a pine box, by parsecs.

Three steps off the lift plate and a door slammed shut behind me, nice. Something reminded me of Empire Strikes Back with the unseen guide, the eerie feeling and the peculiar red glow cast on the walls by my borrowed blade. For all you geeky fan-boys and giggling fan-girls: you might think that a saberstaff "just LIKE DARTHMAUL!" is the best and coolest weapon out there, boy have I got a reality check for you. Best and coolest are often two very different things. If I tried to wield that ungainly monstrosity in this confined space, I would not have to worry about laser bolts or my funeral pyre; I would cave the whole thing in.

Now, enough of that lecture! Twenty meters of gently curving corridor later, I sensed that I was approaching an open cavern. My telekinesis was about as perfect as my Trench Run score, but I nevertheless snapped on a glowrod and sent it floating into the room before me.

"There is no need of that here…." The voice was measured, but different. It was one that I knew, the voice of Saruman, and Dooku. Apparently wannabe Sith take delight in letting you figure things out on your own, for I only had the time to make the connection when my mental grip was broken by a stronger will than my own and the device was sent hurtling into the shadows. Then, almost on cue, floodlights illuminated the chamber.

It reminded me of the reactor chamber in Theed, though minus the reactors and plus several IG-100 MagnaGuards and two squadfulls of BX droid commandos. Now I knew this was a trick; such droids had not even entered Dooku's imagination, and well, let's face it, why face the chance of me escaping when a canister of nerve gas could have done your job? This was of little reassurance, Lumiya's phantoms, and Sith Shades – Shadows – wraiths – whatever- could inflict real damage. Maybe if I didn't know this much crap I would not be so antsy and instead be a brash geek with a shiny toilet-paper roll and an ego the size of Iego, and nothing would faze me. Alas I was far too sensible for that.

"Why draw that lightsaber young one? Can't we have a civilized discussion? Let's see, what if—" I was not in the mood for the standard 'rule the universe' speech, and I was freezing my rear off. The sooner I finished with these tests or whatever they were, I could get to a warmer place and off this ice cube.

"Look Dooku, let's cut the usual rhetoric where you tell me how you can offer me unimaginable power and can rule ya-da-ya-da-ya and I tell you to shove it because I am a Jedi. Instead let me ask you a question, you Sith always seek to rule the Galaxy, but have you ever considered how much paperwork that is? Signing execution warrants, ordering tax audits, holding court, presiding at banquets and overseeing parades? It's hard work, work that I'd rather not do. I'd rather gallivant along the Hydian, rob a few Neimoidians, blow some osik up, you know? So at risk of sounding cliché, there ain't much that you can offer me that I can't get. So get spaced buddy…"

There is one redeeming quality to speeches; they are an equal distraction no matter who is going on. In this case, while my sweetest dreams were coming to fruition, I hand discretely grabbed hold of the DL-18 tucked behind a tabard.

"No, there is nothing I can offer you? What about…" he paused dramatically, "…the chance to go back to your world…." Sometimes I think that apart from having the stereotypical evil laugh, bad guys come in extremely stupid, extremely arrogant, brain-dead, or all three at once. It was probably the Jedi Order's fault that its members joined the Dork Side, as the recruiting campaign was just lame.

"Let's leave alone for a second that you are a Sith, and thus what you say is subject to be a falsehood of a sort on mere principle, let's forget that it's in my job description to slice you into tiny pieces, and let's ignore the hardware which should not be around for at least seven more years. Okay, why should I want to go back? Yes I have a family back home, but I am quite looking forward to smashing people into walls, choking them, throwing them off buildings and blowing crap up. Sorry Count, you're out of luck…."

Really, all I wanted to say to him was to get spaced, but that would not have accomplished anything. Those seconds of pointlessly extravagant rebuttal gave me the opportunity to mark the positions of the droid commandos. Upon saying 'luck' I let out a rudimentary Force-wave, dropped to one knee and fired off a handful of shots. I did not wait to see if I hit anything, I would find out when they chose to attack me, instead I rolled across the bridge, ducked up near an outcropping of stone and snapped off another volley.

Dooku serenely walked off into another room, letting is metal boys deal with me and shutting both doors. One of the MagnaGuards came up in front of me, something I could not fathom; they could easily overwhelm me, but they did not. The droid jabbed at me with his electrostaff, slower than he should have, and I was able to dodge. He came at me again, but this time trying to confuse me by whirling that thing as fast as his mechanical limbs could. I chose to do something stupid, as in I thrust my ignited saberstaff into the whirling disk of electrostaff and glowing electricity pulsors. Being made of phrik alloy, the saber's blade did not cut the shaft, instead swinging me off the ground. I guess that's where Master Adi's lightsaber came in.

Activating the crimson blade I plunged it vertically through the IG's head, neck and torso, jerking it inside just to be sure. And then I landed on the stone floor with an undignified thump. I … am … not … doing that … again. The whole thing took just a few seconds, and it seemed like a good first go, but I had a score of other droids to deal with, droids that started up shooting conveniently after I got my breathe back.

Time for ridiculous plan number two…. I snapped off a handful more shots while I got my gear back in place and found where the liquid cable launcher was on my belt. Then I pocketed my blaster, grabbed the electrostaff under an arm, took out and armed an EMP in my other hand, and trusting the Force for no apparent reason – and showing extreme stupidity – I leapt from my bridge, straight into the middle of the commando formation.

I landed far too lightly in a three point crouch, released the grenade and the pin, fumbled for the cable launcher and shot the barb into the ceiling's centre. Then I leapt away, the EMP's charge just reaching the tail end of my cloak.

I thwacked feet first into the opposite wall, milliseconds after the blaster fire and thought that I needed to dumb something. I was never good at it, but I threw the electrostaff javelin-style onto the bridge where the MagnaGuards stood. They dodged it, of course, but the stone began to crack beneath them. Meanwhile I pushed off towards the closed door, and upon reaching it, sliced a furrow in the stone with my shorter lightsaber.

I did that three more times, swinging this way and that across the room to bounce against the door and slice open one side or another. My final jump was hear-razing though, I was five meters away when one of the BXs computed to blast the anchor to which my cable was attached. Thank the Force for momentum, or should I thank Inertia? Whatever it was, physics carried me the remaining distance and with enough force to dislodge the stone plug in the door. As a parting shot I tossed a concussion grenade into the room behind me and ran along the corridor to find the next room and be over and done with it.

§ It was not a conventional door which I passed. Nay, it was more like a veil of darkness, and upon passing through it, I was greeted with a lobby to the Supreme Chancellor's office. Somewhere around the corner I heard the sizzle of a lightsaber and the crackle of Force Lightening. More telling was the shaggy haired, synth-leather clad form of a certain person we all know that gave me the place and time for this little party.

"Anakin! Oh! I'm too weak! Too weak! …I can't hold on any longer! Uh…oh!" I wonder, if I was to do that when Yoda was thwacking me with his gimer stick, would Anakin go all yellow-eyed on him too? Maybe I should try it once, in front of the Council perhaps?

I seriously doubted I just got kicked forward through time, if I have learned anything over the course of my life, it would be that nothing is ever easy. "…Heee's the traitor!" reached my ears. Mace was going to lose a hand very soon.

I figured it was a test but the thing was, I haven't had time to look that far ahead. I had no idea in what to do were I faced with this situation, let alone what the proper answer would be to this test. Then a thought struck me. I crouched down, made sure my target was in sight, began building up a Force-push and leapt up and forward.

I barrelled shoulder-first into Anakin's back just as he activated his saber. For added effect I released my push milliseconds before impact. Caught unawares, he tumbled, tottered, fumbled his lightsaber and had it cleanly slice wrinkle-face from shoulder to groin.

§ I would have expected to land on the floor and have an earful about killing his favourite pops, but the Force has no decency; I landed in a crouch on an unfamiliar landscape entirely. Clad in tans and browns, not to mention the white beard I felt somehow on my chin, I was the epitome of a wise geezer – ahem – Jedi Master.

"Master!" called a youngling's voice. As I focused my attention, I noticed that a little human girl – not more than five, and clad in Initiate attire – was the one to ask me. "Master, what is really the Dark Side?"

Osik! Poodoo! Fierfek! And whatever other word is applicable to this situation. How in the Galaxy did I have to end up answering this question? How? Was there some conspiracy group tasked with making life awkward for me? I did not know the answer to that question for myself, how could I answer a kid? And why was I even needed to answer a kid? Especially since the view outside the window was a far cry from Coruscant – more like a forest from back home.

"Well young one, I am sure they would have covered it in your classes, but for me, the Dark Side is when people act like utter Di'kut…" oh osik, I should not … be … doing thisss! "…For me it's when one person thinks he is better than everyone else, when he thinks everyone else should bow before him, when he does not earn the right to rule others, when he thinks he has the right to tell me what to do. Also, it's when caring turns into possessiveness, jealousy and all that Bantha shavit. It's when morals get spaced for wealth or privilege. It's definitely when he blows a planet up because he does not like it, or when he goes choking people left and right…."

"But Master, what about when you ordered a Base Delta Zero on Geo-Geo-Geonowziz? Or when you dismembered that fiction author who wrote an 'Adult Story' about one of your friends from the war?" Oh Sith-infested Mustafar! What else am I not being told? I begin to feel sorry for the poor lass, and not about my language. Still, a Delta Zero on the bugs? You'd have to miff me off real bad, but I'd do it… And good heavens, 'Adult Story'! I know what she is talking about, but she should not know the meaning of that phrase.

"I did, and I would do both of those again. It's as I've said, you can zap someone with lightening, as long as you don't run whining to your mommy that someone zapped you in return. Fairness is a point of view, but the way I see it, if you don't want to be shot in the stomach and dumped in a ditch; don't do it yourself. Revenge, that's another matter. Just make sure to not let it consume your entire life, and to not take more than what was taken from you. For me, all I need to be a Jedi is to be moral, to care, to protect me and mine, and to have honour, integrity and above all, use my brains, not my posterior." That would be an impressive speech by my standards, and half of it; I didn't know where I got it, but it sounded fine.

"Oh I see…" a pause, "…and what about Daala?"

"What about her?"

"You shot her…" Really? Not that surprising actually, I've wanted to do that ever since I've read FOTJ.

"When?"

"You told us it was after she left for the Maw on assignment from Tarkin. Verpine shatter rifle, fifty meters, through the forehead."

Oh dear Force, do these kids think me a monster. No wait, why do I sense pride in her? "Natasi Daala was a dangerous person. And power-hungry. She tried to oppress the Jedi, froze some in carbotine, blockaded the Temple, and caused me to sit on my hands and curse for three books waiting for Kenth Hamner to get killed. That's reason enough for me, not counting the fact that her Mandos offed a perfectly normal Padawan, she didn't let the StealthX wing launch thus leading to the whole mess with the occupation of Coruscant ya-da-ya-da-ya and she exiled Luke Skywalker. Need I say more?"

"Master, can you teach me to shoot a Verpine shatter rifle? Please?" The walls were too far away for my purposes, so I resorted to banging my forehead with my saberstaff … repeatedly.

§ The scene changed, and this time I was walking along a long corridor to an indeterminate destination. All around me floated ghostly, well, ghosts, interspersed with windows into distant events. In one I saw the ancient battlefields of the Mandalorian Wars, in another the devastation on Ruusan. I saw glimpses of the rise and fall of Empires and Lords, of Naga Sadow and Exar Kun. And the further I walked, the more recent the images got.

Soon I was walking by the window through which I saw Yaddle's imprisonment, the Rise of Darth Plagueis, things like the Mando Civil War and how Darth Sidious fell off a fresher. I came to witness my own arrival on Nanth'ri and the beginning of my apprenticeship…. All too soon I strolled past the events on Radnor and saw that Siri debark the Outbound Flight and hand the Clawdite over to the authorities. As I entered the future, I witnessed many debates with the Council, my exasperation when Poof tried to use a mind trick on me to get me to stop saving his life. I saw my speeder cornered by CSF while Poof got himself killed. Many events took place, and for many of them, I was too late. Thankfully, guilt did not gnaw at me for my failures. Yeah right, like I failed. I was not Di'kut enough to think that saving the Galaxy's shebse was my responsibility, on the contrary, the only rear I was looking out for was my own, and perhaps Anakin so that I did not have to deal with his whining. I tried, they ignored me, Poof died. Not my bloody fault, end of story.

With that encouraging thought, the hallway ended and I stepped into an octagonal room. Seriously, what is it with circle-based room designs? Predictably, the door slammed shut behind me, leaving me in darkness. It did not stay so for long however, pillars of Light, I am Light as in a near-physical manifestation of the Force's Light Side, illuminated the chamber and the seven pedestals set just inward and at the centre of each wall.

"As with any who are judged,
Reward for you is not begrudged.
Make a choice, you will young one,
Lay your clam, and all is done!"

Don't you just love it when ghostly voices speak in rhymes, and do so cryptically? I don't. It stinks of … well … a setup. I highly doubt that whatever was left here was intended as a freebie for me. All that is gained must be earned. And I have some serious doubts that I earned sudden immortality or invincibility. Come to think of it, a crystal which will make my lightsaber cut through things across the Galaxy or one that will make me thrice as powerful as Anakin does not count.

Just to set the record straight; I was not refusing these power-ups on principle, I just was being pragmatic. I know it's a different world entirely, but what if it's like with the Ring? What if I claim one of these gems and then start going around yellow-eyed, or worse?

The pedestals were located around the room's circumference, each holding a glowing gem and each illuminated by a spotlight of Force energy. Well, perhaps that wasn't entirely true; the exhibit on my left, in an out-of-the-way corner, did not seem to be so ostentatious. The jewel on it was plainer, and whereas its fellows shone brightly, this one had a tiny spark of light at its core. It's stand was plain stone, no engraving too, and roughhewn. Evidently the humbler gift.

I searched the room a dozen times over and could not find an exit, and the original door, dare I say it, wold not yield to my lightsaber. I began to get peeved. It reminded me of one of those horrible ads you get on the web, you know, how when you are running Windows 7, it shows you an XP dialogue box and proudly declares that as the page's '99th visitor' or some other osik, you have one some extraordinarily expensive bit of hardware. This mess was a perfect representation of that, even no "no" button, very authentic.

"Your offer is appreciated, but I wish to respectfully decline!" I addressed the air around me. The air did not answer. I was about to repeat myself when the pillars winked at me, cycled on and off all round the circle, and then one of them began blinking in Morse Code. "TOO BAD" it said, "PICK ONE".

I spent another half an hour trying to get out and lamenting my lack of breaching explosives, but such was my lot I guess. I decided to check what the freebies were. I would walk up to a stand, and the pillar would blink out the 'labels'. It went like this, from my right and counter-clockwise: "THE STONE OF KNOWLEDGE", "THE STONE OF INFINITE LOYALTY", "…OF INVINCIBILITY", "…OF IMMORTALITY", "…OF INFALIBILITY" and "THE STONE OF SPACE-TIME TRAVEL". The final, seventh one, had no tag as I already observed, and seemed withdrawn and out of place here.

"What is that?" I asked the others, genuinely curious.

The Knowledge tag answered me, "IT IS BUT AN ILUM GEM FORGOTTEN BY A MASTER OF OLD, IT HOLDS NO POWER. UNFITTING FOR IT TO STAY IN THIS CHAMBER" Really, that was a stupid thing to say, surely they must know, I am not ambitious enough to pick any of the Power Gems? Or maybe that's the point, mask the most dangerous one and then have me fool myself into thinking it was the safest?

My deliberations lasted until my stomach growled, then, remembering that Master Adi was somewhere above, and probably experiencing some concern for my wellbeing, I chose to collect the 'harmless' one and be done with it. The way I heard it, these things went by intentions as much as by the thing you chose; I don't care if that passive stone was the detonator switch for the Galaxy to implode, I was picking it for other reasons.

As soon I lifted it in my telekinetic grasp – I was not so amateur as to touch it straight away – it began to glow with a blue radiance somehow more brilliant than that of all the other gems combined. I let it settle on my open palm after a minute, and I began to feel warmer. Curious, I fiddled mentally with it, and on command it glowed brighter or dimmer. This was not just an Ilum crystal, it was a Jedi flashlight. With a satisfied nod I stepped onto the centre of the chamber and proclaimed, "I have made my choice as you bade me…."

The Force warmed with approval and a sense of pride and the all-too-familiar lift platform took me up one storey to another circular room, much more spacious, and oddly resembling the one from which I started.

"You have passed my tests, Sunrider..." I spun around to face the speaker, and it was here where the Force proved itself useful for once by pointing him out as Ulic Qel-Droma. "I say you bare your name well…." Praise? After I took up his almost-wife's name? I did not expect that from a Sith Lord, albeit former. "Your guess about the crystal is correct; it is both a source of light and warmth, something not many would cherish when presented with other alternatives."

"Master Qel-Droma, I see you have joined the dead-Jedi-who-want-to-harass-me club. "

"You're lucky that Revan wasn't your welcoming committee. He's been trying to get in and give you pointers on fashion and galactic domination. And say thanks twice that Satele is as stubborn as Bastila or you would have gotten a royal lecture on double-sided lightsabers and kidnapping Jedi Masters."

"Please tell me you have something useful to share with me Ulic, your fancy phantoms took a lot out of me, just in case you did not know…."

"Useful? I've got useful. You're an idiot!" I was offended, it was a 'look who's talking' moment, "You're an idiot if you judge everyone's character by what was portrayed in the books. I'm actually glad you did not yet get the chance to read the Jedi Apprentice series or you would have screwed up even worse than you did with five Jedi Quest books." It stopped being of wonder that those dead Jedi knew about all that stuff, I just listened, "You should just forget about personalities and stick with continuity. I've cleaned up the mess you made with Kenobi, but I won't do it again. You should seriously trust your instincts over books. You knew he was not that pessimistic 'the Galaxy is my fault' person, and I have a serious score to settle with those who infected you with that Bantha dung. Revan and I told Qui-Gon that you should be told, he did not listen, and now we went mopping up your mess…."

Now that was interesting, Ulic's far more straightforward than anyone I've talked to from the Blue Club. "Explain, buddy…."

"You want to know? I'll tell you, the only reason the Force has interfered is because it had enough with being used for Sith domination. It chose to throw a hydrospanner into the works. And the reason you are said hydrospanner, is that you are the only person with enough knowledge not to look stupid, no ambition, and no desire to find Tano or another female Padawan and indulge in that which you so despise among modern-day authors, namely shameless intimate interaction. So yes, you are the only Force-Sensitive person from your planet with your head screwed on straight. Make you feel better?"

Actually, that did make me feel better. Much better… I always thought myself saner than most of the male populous of my age, glad to hear that was not just ego and pride.

Now, if I was to be a destabilizing influence for the Sith, with no galaxy-saving goal, Ulic, you've made my day.

"Well, glad to hear that," he answered upon pilfering my thoughts, "You better get on with your Kamino plan. They will be tossing out an entire legion in a two months' time, you better not be late."

"Thanks Master Qel-Droma," I bowed in gratefulness and respect, and opened my eyes to the sight of Master Adi leaning over me.

"Padawan," came the exasperated voice, "What did you do now?"

Longo chapter, but I had to cover the Dark Side, and Ulic's revelations made me smile. Our hero can't remain permanently in the dark, can he?

I regret to say, that I actually messed up with the Obi-Wan side of things. I wrote about him after reading Jedi Quest and fan fictions portraying him in the "my fault" wya and I guess I just did not watch what I was writing. Obi-Wan Kenobi is NOT, I repeat NOT a self-blaming retard, and I will fix that as I did in this chapter. From the movies, he was a courageous warrior who felt sadness, but did his duty, and that is who he is, not a moping di'kut. I've just read JQ 6: The Moment of truth, and I officially declare it out of my canon. Very few elements will be used in this story. On that note, I am inclined to dump most of the EU, for me, the only 'real' books are Tim Zahn's and maybe the RCs.

Enough.

Next chapter is an interlude, told from the Temple, and in a few more chapters's time, there will be another one where the 'Blue Club' will discuss things.

Fiction be with us, 645 out.

Clean count: 4870 | Posted 04/07/13