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"Don't itch it," Jake swatted my hand away from my neck. My new tattoo itched like crazy and just sitting here in this hallway bored as hell wasn't helping take my attention away from it. Today was the first day of phase two so both Dauntless-born and transfers sat together in this long narrow hall that had a metal door at the end of it. I had asked around about phase two, but nobody would give me a solid answer on what it was.
"What does it even mean?" Jake questioned. I smirked slightly at his curiosity. I got it last night when everyone was saying goodbye to their families. I kind of just got it on a whim, but it suited the occasion. Plus, I wanted to get my mind off my run in with Eric. The pain of the needles helped distract me for a little while, but that one single word bounced around my head all night.
"Family," was all I said. T4E was tattooed on the back of my neck. Tobias 'Four' Eaton. The only family I have and will ever need.
"Hm," I could tell Jake was unsatisfied with my answer, but didn't questioned it any further as he leaned his head back against the wall.
"So who's ranked first out of you guys?" Adam asked, interrupting the silence that surrounded us.
"That'd be me," Seth raised his hand enthusiastically. To be honest, I was glad that I wasn't first, that would have made me a target to people like Seth and Luke. We were told the rankings last night after dinner and to say the least I was surprised by my third place status. I wasn't sure how I felt about the rest of the rankings though.
1. Seth
2. Luke
3. Alex
4. Paul
5. Olivia
6. Mathew
7. Nathan
8. Kristen
I felt it was my fault that Kristen had just barely escaped being cut. A Candor boy named Lucas and an Erudite boy named Derek weren't so lucky and became factionless. I didn't really know them too well, but I was sad to see them go.
"What about you guys?" Kristen asked, her Erudite curiosity making an appearance.
"Jake," Dean nodded in my best friend's direction.
"Aidan gave him a run for his money though," Adam chuckled. Our conversation was interrupted by the opening of the metal door at the end of the hall. Four appeared from inside the room.
"Nathan," he summoned. I saw Nathan sigh as he got up and joined Four behind the closed door. I counted the minutes that ticked by till the door opened again; 15. "Dean," Four called this time. This continued until me, Jake, Paul, and Olivia were the only ones left sitting in the hall. I only ever saw people enter the room, never exit.
"Alex," I jumped at the sound of my name. I got up and began to walk towards my brother when Jake grabbed my hand.
"Good luck," he gave me a reassuring smiled and I returned it before I continued to the room.
My heart dropped as I stepped inside the dimly lit room. There was a chair in the center, just like their was for the aptitude test. I heard Four close the door behind me and my heart began to pound.
"Take a seat," he motioned to the chair in the center of the room. I swallowed hard and complied. I sat down in the chair, but my eyes never left my brother. He stationed himself next to me, behind a computer that had countless wires attached to it.
He began to fidget with something on the table next to it as he began talking. "I'm gonna inject you with a serum that's gonna stimulate the part of you brain that processes fear," he continued to talk as he filled a needed with an orange liquid.
"Great," I huffed sarcastically.
"It induces a hallucination and then transmitters in the serum allow me to see the imagines in your mind," he said it so calmly that it made me question how many times he'd done this before. "Lean back," he pushed me slightly backwards to that my head was up against the chair. "Can you put your hair up for me? It'll make it easier," he motioned towards the needle.
I did as he asked and tied my hair up in a messy pony tail. I saw him raise an eyebrow as he noticed the tattoo on the back on my neck. He moved my head the side so he could see the whole thing. "T4E?
"Tobias 'Four' Eaton," I said simply. I could tell he was trying to fight the smile that appeared on his face.
"Why?" That was a good question.
"I don't know, to be honest. You're my big brother and you're the only family that I have and will ever need," he nodded, the smile still evident on his face. He kissed the side of my head before he turned back to the needle.
I closed my eyes as he brought the needle closer to my neck. I flinched slightly as I felt a prick of pain in my neck.
"You're gonna be facing your worst fears, Alex. Most people have 10 to 15 really bad ones," I just nodded as I felt the serum begin to take effect. I my eyelids slowly got heavier. "You have to calm yourself, slow your heart rate and breathing and deal with what's in front of you," my eyes were starting to close. "Be brave. I love you," and with that my eyes shut.
The next time I opened my eyes I was back in my house in Abnegation. I was in the closet. My heart rate started to race as I reached for the door and tried to opened it, but it wouldn't budge. No, this can't be happening. My father used to stick me and Tobias in this closet as punishment. I sat back and tried to relax, I tried to slow my breathing. I was succeeding until the walls began to close in. The closet was getting smaller and smaller.
I started to panic as I cowered into the corner. I pounded on the walls, hoping that they would stop, but they didn't. "Come on, Alex, you can do this," I pressed my back against one wall, waiting for the one opposite of it to come closer. As it crept closer, I counted in my head, One, two,….three. I kicked the wall with everything I had and the walls began to crumple around me. I did it.
I thought I was done, I had succeeded, but was sadly mistaken. Next came being buried alive, after that it was drowning, and then being forced to kill my brother. Finally, I found myself back in Abnegation.
I was back in the living room of my old house. The room was darker than usual and I began to squirm when I noticed I was tied to a chair.
"I expected more from you, Alexandra," My breath caught in throat as I heard her voice echo through the house.
"Mom?" My mother appeared in front of me, my father and brother behind her.
"Please, don't insult me with that title," she snarled. "You're the reason I left. I couldn't stand you. You're helpless and weak, and the likelihood of you ever accomplishing something in life is so small that it's pathetic."
"Mom…" I whimpered. Her features that I remembered as caring and soft were cruel and calculating. It wasn't true. What she was saying, it wasn't true.
"You've always been my biggest mistake. Goodbye, Alexandra."
"Mom!" I shouted, but it was too late, she had already faded into the shadows. My attention snapped to Tobias as he stepped forward, a scowl on his face.
"It's all your fault! She left because of you!" He grabbed my face in one of his hands. Pain shot through my cheeks as his grip tightened.
"Tobias, you're hurting me," I cried. The look on his face remind me so much of my father that it scared me.
"Oh, I'm hurting you? What about me? What about all of the times that he beat me," he pointed to Marcus, who stood behind him, with his free hand, "because of you? Because you fucked up and I had to put my ass on the line you protect you?" he ripped his hand away from my face. "Well, I'm sick and tried of protecting you, that's why when I got my chance to leave this godforsaken place I took it. I didn't leave because of Dad, I left because of you, " he barked. My eyes started to water. My brain was spinning at what was happening. I couldn't think straight. "And then you chose my faction, out of all factions to come to. I thought I had finally rid myself of you and then poof your sorry ass showed up again."
He stood up straight and began to walk backwards towards the door. "Well, I'm done with being your brother, I'm done with you."
"Tobias, please! Don't leave me with him! Please!" I pleaded as he, just like my mother, disappeared into the shadows.
"Aw, look at that, all alone once again," A sinister smile spread across Marcus' face as he took his place in front of me. "You're the biggest failure this family has ever seen."
"No, I'm not," I choked.
"Oh, but you are. Just look at you," with that he took his belt off, striking me across the face. "I tried to beat the success into you, but it looks like I didn't beat you hard enough," he brought his hand back again to hit me. This isn't real. I wished that my wrist weren't tied down, and next thing I knew, they weren't.
I brought my hand up to intercept the belt. The look of surprise on his face filled me with pride. I launched myself at him and tackled him to the floor. I took the belt from him, my blood boiling with rage. I struck him with the belt, giving him a taste of his own medicine. Just as the belt made contact with his skin I was pulled into darkness.
I woke up in a different room. I started to panic when I felt two hand on my shoulders. I looked up to see Four and his pained expression. I don't know why, but I started to cry. Four pulled me out of the chair and into his arms. "I'm so sorry. You're okay now, I promise. It wasn't real."
We stayed like that for a few minutes till I calmed down. He sat me back down in the chair and he sat on a stool next to me. "Alex," I looked up and him and met his blue eyes that mirrored my own. "How'd you do that?"
"Do what?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"The walls, how'd you break them? And the rope, it just disappeared," he seemed worried, but I didn't understand why.
"I don't know, I just did," I shrugged. Why did it matter?
"You just did?" he looked away from me and nodded slightly. "What were your test results?" he looked back up at me and asked.
I froze. 'You can't tell anyone, not even your family' those words echoed in my head as I thought about how I would answer my brother's question. The Dauntless man who administered my test said that my test results made me dangerous. They made me divergent.
"You got divergent, didn't you?" My lack of response gave him is answer. "Do you know how long you were in there for?"
"Half hour?"
"Four minutes," he countered. "Three times faster than the other initiates."
"What?" There was no way.
"That's what being divergent does. You can take control of the simulation. You're aware while you're under. A Dauntless wouldn't have broke that walls like that. The rope wouldn't have magically disappeared," his voice was stern as he explained this.
"Why does that make me dangerous?"
"You can't be controlled, you can't be categorized, you're a treat to the system. Because of that, you need to keep a low profile and stay off people like Eric's radar," He referred back to my history of voicing my opinions when it came to the young leader. It felt like the concept of divergence was nothing foreign to him.
"You're divergent too, aren't you?" I asked. He nodded in response.
"I can teach you how to hide it throughout-"
"What do you mean 'next couple of days'? You mean I have to do this again? I can't do that again, Tobias. Please don't make me do that again," I begged.
"I'm sorry, but that's phase two. I had go through the same thing. The closet, Marcus, I understand," he sympathized. I felt my eyes begin to water as the sight of my mother calling me a mistake made it's way to my thoughts.
"Can I go?" I asked.
"Yeah," Four looked away from me and down at his hands. "If you want to talk, I'm alway here for you, you know that, right?"
"Yeah I know, Tobi," I gave him a small smile before exiting the room. I tried to keep my head low as I made it back to the dorms, but couldn't help looking up as I heard a familiar voice. I spotted Eric have a conversation with another leader. Jennifer I think her name was?
I hadn't spoken to Eric since visiting day. As if on cue, Eric looked up and met my damp eyes. His neural expression turned into a pained one. I quickly looked away from him and continued to the dorms.
That's pretty much how the next two days went; absolutely terrible. Four had shown me different ways to help me get out of fears that didn't give up my divergent status. I was the last one called for the past two days because it gave him more time to work with me. I had just finished my third day of phase two and felt completely drained.
After we finished our fear simulations we were free to do as we pleased. I had gone back to the dorms to see if I could get some sleep, but failed epically. I hadn't been able to sleep since we started the sims.
After dinner, Four was going to release our 'progress report' that showed where we currently ranked. I knew I was towards the top so there was no use in me being there. I made my way to the chasm, trying to keep some distance from me and my friends. Just like I had done plenty of times before, I took a seat on the edge, letting my legs dangle over the side and my feet get wet due to the spray of the rushing water. Thankfully the only sound that filled my ears was the chasm. It was dinner time so most everyone was in the dinning hall.
I sat alone for a good 10 or 15 minutes before my solitude was interrupted. I hadn't even heard him come up next to be due to the roar of the water. Eric took a seat next to me on the wet rocks.
"So not in the mood, Eric," I muttered as I rubbed my temples. I felt like I said that every time I saw Eric. But then again, I was never in the mood to deal with him.
"I figured this might help take the edge off things," I looked over at him to discover that he had two glasses in his hand and a bottle of whiskey. I could smell the whiskey on him before he even opened the bottle. He'd definitely been drinking before he took his spot next to me. An intoxicated Eric… This was going to be interesting.
"I thought initiates weren't allowed to drink?" To be quite honest, I was surprised by his gesture.
"Yeah, well, you looked like you could use one. Plus, it's not like you haven't broken that rule before," he opened the bottle and poured some of the golden liquid in both glasses.
I chuckled as he handed me a glass. I twirled it around in the glass before I downed it. It burned as it traveled down my throat. Damn, that shit was strong. I felt the buzz instantly, but it was a welcomed feeling.
"You ranked first, you know that right?" He informed me. Great, that pretty much placed a huge target on my back. Seth wasn't going to settle for anything less than first, I knew that for a fact.
"I did?" I acted as if I didn't already know I would.
"Yeah, surprisingly. Pretty impressive for a Stiff," Eric threw back his glass before refilling both of ours.
"Thanks?" I wasn't quite sure if that was a compliment or not. We sat there for a few minutes in silence. It wasn't awkward though, but comfortable.
"Seeing that those sims seem to be getting to you I'm surprised that you've been doing so well," his comment took me a little off guard. He finished off his second glass and poured himself another. Did he suspect I was divergent?
"They're not getting to me," I said defensively. That was a lie though. Those fears shook me to my core. The drowning and buried alive things didn't hit me nearly as hard as the ones that had to do with my family. I had barely gotten six hours of sleep since we had started phase two.
"Liar," Eric glanced at me before taking another sip from his glass. Instead of answering him, I chugged the golden liquid in my glass, trying to forget the look on my brothers face as I was forced to shoot him in my sim. I poured myself more before Eric continued. "They're not real. You can't let them get to you like that."
"Don't you think I know that?" I hissed. "They may not seem real to you, but half of my fucking fears are based on real shit that I had to go through," I felt the familiar burn of the whiskey glide down my throat as I took another gulp. If I wasn't buzzed I probably would have never told him that, but hey, what the hell. "That's what I get for being a coward, for running from my past."
"What are they based on?" He tones was soft, not demanding in anyway. I looked over at him to find his facial expression genuine, his eyes curious. This wasn't Dauntless' youngest leader that I was talking to, it was the man who carried me down the stairs when I was in too much pain to walk.
"My father. My family," I admitted. "But it's not just my story to tell, so…" I had to consider Four in all of this. For all I knew, Eric knew my brother's real name and saying anything more would allow Eric to connect the dots and learn not just about my past, but Four's as well.
Eric just nodded in response, letting me know that he understood. There was something about him, about how he was right now that made me change my whole opinion of him. The cruel and cold leader was just a façade. I understood why. To him it was better to be feared and respected than to be liked and taken as a joke.
It was quiet for a few moments until I decided to bring up something that had lingered in the back of my head for the past couple of days. "What you said on visiting day…"
"Forget I ever said anything," Eric defected the topic quicker than I could finish my sentence. "I wasn't thinking when I said it."
His constant bouncing between moods and emotions began to make my head spin. Or was that the whiskey?
"Yeah, okay," I yawned. My body and eyes began to feel heavy. Without thinking, I leaned my head on his shoulder. I felt the muscles in his body tense, but then slowly start to relax. "I wished you were like this more often, not just when you've been pumped full of whiskey," I yawned once again, feeling my eyes begin to close slowly.
"I wouldn't be Eric if I was," was the last thing I heard him say as my eyes closed and slipped into the unconsciousness that I had been lacking for days.
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