A/N: Written in a spur of a moment, drunk from feels and heavy with emotion. I'm sorry if it's terrible.
(Line)
His life was always kind of a blur, faced paced, an indiscernible flurry of colour. Contented days spent in the bright warm days with his best friend. Remembering details of a particular day was always Kaneki's job, never his
But that day, Hide remembered very clearly.
That day Kaneki finally reappeared.
He always hoped against his gut feeling. Kaneki's accident. His increasingly infrequent visits. Those hollowed eyes and pale face, the ghouls. He put all his effort into hoping against the dread in his stomach. Hide's heart fell when Kaneki had stopped visiting all together. No text messages, no calls, no note left for him. As the days ticked by without him, Hide began chasing after him.
That night faking unconsciousness on the cold dirt floor under Nishiki sealed the dread in his heart. Kaneki was a ghoul.
And from then on, Kaneki seemed to disappear all together.
He desperately wished to turn around and see Kaneki in the streets, with that smile, calling him a dork. Hide wanted to turn his head to his side to see Kaneki, at the bookstore with him, picking up another of Takatsuki's novels, he wanted to see Kaneki sitting at Anteiku with him, sipping coffee while smiling warmly. He wanted to laugh and eat hamburgers with him at Big Girl, like it had always been.
Hide turns around countless times, but all he sees is empty space. Even in a crowded lecture hall he felt alone.
He wanted to see Kaneki again.
Finally, what seemed like an eternity later, Hide caved into his gut feeling.
Newspapers, news reports, rumors, he delved into them all in search of his best friend. Stalking around the alleys, hidden cameras, and thorough searching. Many proved fruitless but Hide plunged headfirst again and again, desperately hoping for new leads.
Then he put the tracker under that man's shoe.
"NInE...hUnDreD aNd nINetY tHrEE…"
"No mOrE StOpSTopStoPSTopStoPStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpstTopStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOpStOPStOpStOpSTop-"
Hide ripped the earpiece from his head and curled up, sobbing loudly. He couldn't bear to continue listening.
Recipient: Kaneki
yo, neki, where have you been? Class is so boring here, i told u that rabbits die of loneliness, you know?
Recipient: Kaneki
Kaneki, where are you man, wanna meet at anteiku at 2? pls talk to me
Recipient: Kaneki
Kaneki, please. I'm worried.
Recipient: Kaneki
Kaneki.
Recipient: Kaneki
Kaneki Ken.
Voicemail to : Kaneki
'Neki, you haven't been answering my texts, is something wrong? I'll see you in school tomorrow okay?'
Voicemail to : Kaneki
'I copied down notes for world history, you need it? Please call me back.'
Voicemail to : Kaneki
'Kaneki, please.'
The more texts he sent, the more thoughts seeped into those electronic words. Hide saved some of them as drafts, more one-sided meetings left him standing out there, waiting for the boy that never came. His fingers fumbled more, his voice started to crack, and slowly, as his eyes got too blurry with tears to see the screen and his fingers trembled too much to press the keys, he gave up.
Hide had to find him. Kaneki may want to cut ties with him, but it wasn't going to be that easy. He had known him for so long. His intuition was never wrong. Kaneki was always getting hurt for others, that trait of his. Kaneki as afraid he'd hurt him, with whatever he's got now.
Like he said, he had known him for so long.
He could only hope that he still did.
(Line)
Brought back to reality, Hide thought back on all these, and snorted bitterly. He had gotten his wish now, but not how he had wanted it.
It was dark and cold, on the brink of winter, the wind nipping his cheeks with icy fingers. His face felt numb, and inside he was filled with the same icy dread that shot through his veins and numbed him from within. His hands formed fists inside his pockets, toes curling inside of his worn sneakers. He could feel the bits and pieces of crumbled stone atop the roof. He still kept that easy smile in his lips, directed at the figure before him.
He couldn't recognise him at first, simply a mere silhouette against pale moonlight. But from the way he planted his feet on the ground, the way his shoulders moved, and the way he cocked his head, Hide knew as his heart clenched that he had changed.
The figure in front of him looked up, and he was met with two different colours. The first was startling red, an iridescent glow, standing out against inhuman black. It showed no emotion, fixing Hide with steady gaze.
The other was a beautiful, familiar brown. But even though with that human eye Hide could tell it was dull. The wisp of what was his old best friend was a mere shadow, overwhelmed by the ghoul within him. White hair fell against sickly pale skin, it natural pink flush Hide was so used to seeing gone without a trace, and his fingers, making that cracking sound, were topped with unhealthy black nails. But he was undoubtedly Kaneki. That voice, that volume, it was him.
But the more and more he stared, the lesser the old Kaneki he found. Who was this being in front of him? Kaneki did not have red eyes, Kaneki did not have white hair, Kaneki did not have four bright red streaks that sprouted out of his back like razor sharp twisted tentacles.
"Hide," The man -now undoubtedly Kaneki- sounded surprised. Those eyes widened, and emotion flooded through his eyes, his hands faltered, and his lips quivering before that mask of indifference shielded his face once again.
"Yo, Kaneki."
Hide took a step forward. Kaneki took one back.
"What's up with that hair? Is this the fashion these days?" Hide kept his tone light. He ruffled his own hair, mildly remembering his originally dark brown roots that showed rather obviously back then. Kaneki always used to joke that he could spot Hide in a crowd miles away due to his hair, and now Hide wondered if Kaneki still remembered.
"Hide." Kaneki said again. Hide saw something crack in that facade, and his fists clenched tighter once in the safety of his pockets. He saw the carefully layered facade crack and chip, and Kaneki was struggling to fix them back. Hide caught a flurry of emotions, all fleeting and indiscernible to an average human. But Hide saw them all.
Surprise. Anger. Relief. Fear. Self-loathing. All only appeared for a split second but Hide saw them all, and felt his own ugly mix of anger and hurt, twisting into a sick ball that caused his stomach to turn.
He felt something snap.
"No calls."
Kaneki flinched.
"No messages."
Kaneki tried to speak. "Hid-"
"Not a single peep from you."
"I'm sorry." Kaneki whispered.
"Where have you been?! I was so worried!" Hide was yelling now. Eyebrows furrowing as he fought the painful ball in his throat. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes. He couldn't cry.
"I was looking everywhere for you!" Hide yelled. God. He was so angry. He was so angry at Kaneki. He was angry at himself. He hated himself the most.
Kaneki looked taken aback.
"Have you any idea how everyone was so worried about you?! Just upping and leaving?! I was worried sick, Kaneki!" Hide pushed forward, slowly giving way to the barrage of emotions that seeped from the cracks of his mask.
If only Kaneki hadn't been taken by the Aogiri.
If only Kaneki wasn't a ghoul.
If only Kaneki hadn't gotten the organ transplant.
If only Kaneki didn't walk the Binge Eater back.
If only Kaneki hadn't gone on that date.
If only Hide had said something else that day.
If only.
If only.
If only, then maybe.
Maybe it wouldn't have turned out like this.
For this, Hide hated himself the most.
Tears burned hot on his cheeks before it turned cold under the the freezing wind. Streaks of silver that shone under the dim light, quiet sobs that shuddered through him as he was brought to his knees, before his best friend that he had wronged.
"I'm so sorry. Kaneki. It's my fault. It's all. My. Bloody. Fault."
Cold hands suddenly covered his, as the shadow of the ghoul's body fell on his face. Kaneki's eyes looked tired, exhausted, but his lips were pulled into a frail smile. "It's not." Kaneki whispered, wiping his tears.
Kaneki pulled Hide into a cautious hug, as if Hide would push him away fiercely as if Hide was glass, and held his hand delicately. Hide leaned against him, resting his head on his shoulder, and felt Kaneki squeeze lightly.
Hide could smell the telltale scent of blood, the lingering smell of leather and the faint aroma of coffee. His embrace was warm, comforting, soothing, and Hide felt fresh tears spilling over.
"It's not your fault," Kaneki repeated, tearing himself from the embrace. His hands held on firmly to his arms, as if he didn't want to let go. Hide couldn't see well with the salty tears that clouded his vision. He felt a soft pressure on his forehead.
"It's the world that's wrong." The warmth swathing him was gone, and Hide was alone again.