Chapter 22

AN: Hello? Anybody out there? Wow, I never intended to be away from writing for this long. But, life has a way of changing things. I sincerely apologize for the delay and hope that you are still interested in this story. You may need to go back and do some rereading, I know I did!

If you care to know some of my reasons for delay, they are as follows: I lost my 3 year old dog, which was devastating to me. Two months later, a really good friend passed away and I am still working through that loss – she was 28. Besides that, I now work 3 jobs and have so many interests and activities that pull me away from writing. But, I still plan to finish this, however long it takes.

Final note of warning – we are headed into some heavy material here. And there will be more to come in the upcoming chapters, as Edward reveals his story. It may be a trigger for some, so please be aware.

And now, on with the show…

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Well crap.

I felt Edward stiffen in my arms and wanted to kick myself for blurting out my thoughts in typical Emmett fashion. Apparently, I just had to go and ruin our blissful moment.

Yet, I felt kind of relieved as well. It was out there now and I'd finally gotten it off my chest.

But, whether he would answer or not was yet to be determined.

The seconds and minutes ticked by with still no response from Edward. He wouldn't even look at me.

I wished he would do or say something. Anything.

Internally, I was going crazy. I could have told him to forget it and let him off the hook. But, I really didn't want to. That may sound mean, but I needed to hear his response. This was too important and he would have to say something eventually. Hopefully.

So, I waited and continued stroking my hands over his skin – hoping to sooth and give him some space to answer.

We must have laid there for a good ten minutes before he took a deep breath and began to speak.

"I, uh… well, I guess there's still a lot you don't know about me," he began haltingly.

We were facing each other, but he still wasn't making eye contact and I could feel the nerves and tension radiating from him. I just continued to touch him trying to be as patient and unobtrusive as possible.

"I told you once that I had some bad experiences, and I … I just don't trust very easily. It's very…difficult …for me to let people in. I guess that I've been avoiding showing you my place…because… then it's all too real. If something were to go wrong… or if we were to… or just…I can't…"

He was panicking, his whole body shaking, and I wasn't sure what to do about it.

"Hey," I said quietly. "It's okay Edward. Just breathe and take your time. I'm not going anywhere and I don't want you to feel pressured into anything. I just feel like you're holding back on me a bit and I want to know all of you… But, for now, just breathe."

And he did. He took some deep, calming breaths and finally looked into my eyes.

His beautiful green eyes were filled with fear, but also determination, and maybe a little bit of…I'm not really sure. Awe maybe? Or just - something else. Something that I couldn't quite distinguish.

He looked so vulnerable at that moment.

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***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE***EE ***EE***

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EDWARD'S POINT OF VIEW

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When I finally looked up at him and saw the caring and concern in his eyes, I knew that I could do this. I could tell the man that I'm falling in love with about my past. I knew I could trust him, as I've known intuitively since we met.

It's just so hard for me to trust and a part of me always wants to try to guard and protect myself, so that I don't get hurt. Again. Because I will never go through what I did. Never again. And I have to look out for myself. But, Emmett…my Emmett is trustworthy. When I think of how much I've already opened up to him…physically and mentally and in every way… I know I can talk to him about anything.

He continued to run his hands over my body, grounding me and making me feel safe. He gave me a small, reassuring smile and I launched into my story. More like shakily stumbled into it.

"You see…it all began when I was little…" I looked into his eyes and gathered some strength to continue. "I…uh, I was molested…as a child." I gulped as his hands faltered a bit and then squeezed my arms, before continuing their path along my body.

I stared at his chest and pushed forward, "My Mom's cousin…B-Bill…he was…he was always so nice to me. We would play catch in the back yard of our house and he always brought me a new pack of baseball cards. I was kind of a shy kid, and he was a really good friend to me."

I glanced up and saw Emmett's gaze completely focused on me. It was so intense that I had to look away again. I had to keep some amount of composure if I was ever going to get through this.

"So…yeah. I was about five years old when he started touching me. I was sitting on his lap while we watched a movie and he just put his hand…on my crotch. I didn't really get what he was doing, but I knew it wasn't normal behavior. I…I was uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want to make him mad at me…so we just sat and watched the rest of the movie and he didn't do anything else…It was all very gradual. I guess…he knew what he was doing…and he sort of…worked up to the bigger stuff over time and I didn't know what to do about it….He watched me a lot, when my parents had to work, and I always knew that when he asked me to sit on his lap….that was when…I always tried to avoid it…come up with an excuse or run over to the cupboard and pick out a game….anything to prolong the inevitable."

I could feel myself trembling, but now that the tale had begun, I had to get it out. This certainly wasn't the worst of it anyhow. My life is so screwed up. If Emmett could possibly want me when this is all out in the open…well, I better not think that way.

Okay, another deep breath. I can do this.

"It continued for years. He would find little ways to touch me or say things that made me….just uncomfortable. The touching became…increasingly sexual…through the years. It was so hard, because I loved him. He really was my friend and there were so many times where we had fun and he listened to me and none of this…stuff would occur. I was…so confused by it.

"The turning point came when I was ten. My parents had gone out to dinner and a play for their anniversary and…he…he was to stay the night with me, since they were going to be home so late.

"I knew….the whole week leading up to that night…I was so nervous and on edge. I just knew something was going to happen. I actually threw a tantrum a few days before, like a little child, begging my parents not to go. I never acted that way and they knew how much I loved cousin Bill, so they couldn't understand. They were disappointed that I wouldn't let them have this one grownup night to themselves. I…felt so bad that they thought I was trying to ruin their time together. I apologized and didn't say another word about it…

"When they finally got home, around two in the morning…and they came to check on me….they saw…they saw us and they… they…"

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I felt them running down my cheeks and took comfort in Emmett's soothing motions and in knowing that this event was long over with. But, something like this never fully leaves you.

"I knew what he was doing was wrong. I never…encouraged him. I always tried to distract him and find something else for us to do…but I never came out and told him to stop…I was just…a scared kid, I guess. That night, he had…he had crawled into bed with me, after I was asleep….I woke up…my clothes were gone…he had his mouth on my…on my… on me. And when he realized that I was awake, he smiled at me. Took my hand…and put it on him…on his…it was….I was so scared. That's when my parents walked in….

"I felt like I was caught…like it was all my fault…like I was dirty…bad. After the initial shock of seeing us like that, my Mom burst into tears and my Dad…well…I never saw him so mad."

My voice took on a whisper, as I struggled to finish out the story.

"He tore Bill away from me and started punching…and even swearing. I had never heard him swear before, or seen him be physically violent with anyone. I just…I just curled up into a ball and sobbed. Eventually my Mom came over and held me, sobbing with me….I never saw Bill again. And, as much as I was scared of him, and glad not to be around him… I still missed him and the friendship that we had. I always felt like…I was sick for missing someone who had treated me that way….I…."

My voice trailed off. I couldn't go on any longer.

I looked up for the first time in so many minutes, and saw that Emmett was crying with me. He was hurting for me.

He started to speak, almost in a whisper," I am so…so sorry Edward. God, I can't even…imagine. But, it wasn't your fault." His eyes took on a steely quality and his voice became firmer and more determined as he continued, "Don't ever think it was your fault. You were just a kid, and it's only natural that you would love and want to continue the good parts of your relationship with your cousin. There is nothing wrong with that. He was the adult. He was the one…"

I felt myself being dragged forward as Emmett's speech faltered and he pulled me tight to him, embracing me in his strong, yet gentle arms.

Somehow, I felt the need to comfort him as well. "It's okay Emmett," I said softly, reassuring myself as much as him. "It's over now…I've been through therapy, and…and Bill's been dead…for a few years now. He had a heart attack…I'm okay."

"I know," he replied in a gruff voice. "I know you're okay now, but I'm just….I'm so freaking sorry Ed..."

"I know you are, Em. I know."

We held each other tight, neither wanting to let go. Eventually the tightness of our embrace lessened, and we gradually relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

Before I succumbed to slumber I couldn't help wondering how he would handle the rest of my story and issues. This was nothing compared to the rest.