I didn't sleep much that night and neither did Tobias despite his attempts to deny it the next morning. Instead we lay awake, not talking, arms around each other. The raw feeling in my chest that had come when I finally admitted to Will's death never left me and thoughts of Christina haunted me for hours. She was my best friend, her strength often keeping me upright when I couldn't. How could I let her down like this?

"Christina will forgive you if she's really your friend." Tobias said when I voiced my fears to him, "it just might take her some time."

"How are you taking this so well?" I asked him, my voice rough from crying.

He shifted his head slightly to look at me, our faces just inches from each other on the pillow.

"Because I know you Tris. I know you would never do something like that by choice, especially to a friend."

He pressed his hand to my heart making it both ache and accelerate at once.

"You feel so much and you've experienced such loss that sometimes I don't understand how you keep going."

I looked away as tears threatened to start up again.

He tucked his fingers under my chin forcing me to look at him.

"But you do keep going." He whispered, "and you will come back from this too."

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that." I told him truthfully.

"I know." His voice sounded tired and so much older than 17.

Tenderly he leaned his forehead against mine, "You know why I'm also taking this so well?"

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Unable to help myself I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

"I love you too." I murmured against them.

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer.

We kissed for a long moment, fueled by desire and my selfish attempt to escape the pain of what I still had left to do.

The smile Christina gave me the next morning at breakfast turned my stomach. Her day was about to take a turn for the worse. I couldn't help but feel like the grim reaper, bringing the news of death to her front door.

I leaned over my untouched oatmeal and whispered, "can I talk to you after breakfast?"

She looked surprised but nodded, "of course."

Beside me, Tobias squeezed my hand under the table. He had offered to come with me but I had refused. I needed to do this alone.

When Christina had cleaned her plate she got up and I followed.

She glanced down curiously at my untouched food but didn't say anything.

I walked around the table and lead her around the back of one of the lodges, ignoring the eyes on us.

"Tris, what's going on?" She asked as I turned to face her.

Her dark brows were knitted together in concern.

"I…um." I began rather unsteadily crossing my arms over my chest.

She stood watching me, not saying anything.

"I need to tell you something." I said finally.

"Okay…"

I took in a shaky breath now wishing Tobias had come with me after all.

"Do you remember the attack simulation?" I asked, a stupid question but a start all the same.

"Yes." She said slowly, "what about it?"

My insides squirmed as I continued.

"Remember how you said you didn't understand what you were doing? You just knew you had to kill people."

She frowned at me and I realized that maybe this wasn't the best way to tell her. But it was too late to back out now.

"Well I um…wasn't under it because of the whole divergent thing and my mom found me in Abnegation."

Christina blinked, surprised. She knew my mother had died but I had never told her the story.

"We were running down one of the ally ways trying to escape the people under the simulation…and I saw Will."

I wasn't looking at her now, my gaze fixed on the rocky pebbles beneath our feet.

"You saw him?" she said in surprise, "I didn't think anyone saw him after the simulation…until…" she trailed off quickly.

I squeezed my arms tighter into me until they pressed painfully against my ribs.

"Tris, what's wrong?"

She took a step toward me and I stepped back reflexively.

"I saw Will. He was under the attack simulation…he….he didn't know who I was. I kept calling out to him but all he did was try and shoot at us…"

My vision was blurring again but I raised my gaze to hers.

"I'm so sorry, Christina." I whispered.

Through the haze of salt water I could see the horrific realization crash over her.

"No…" She said quietly shaking her head. And then louder, "no…no…no…please tell me you didn't."

"I didn't have any choice." I pleaded taking a step toward her.

Now it was her turn to step back.

"He would have killed me."

Her face had reddened and she was stepping quickly backwards now, away from me.

"Christina please!" I called after her.

"Stay away from me!" She shouted at me, "you murdered him!"

We were in the view of most of the prying eyes now.

Christina turned on her heel then and sprinted through them, heading for the trees.

I didn't call her back. She had reacted just as I thought she would and now I had to live with that.

"Tris?" I turned to see Uriah standing a few feet from me, "What is she talking about?"

"Will's death was my fault." I told him and turned away. Walking blindly in the opposite direction.

I walked until my feet ached so badly I couldn't continue. I let my knees give out, trampling the wheat stocks beneath me. I lay there for a long time staring between golden rows watching as the sun's changing position alter their color.

I didn't stir as footsteps finally approached, crunching through the wheat field. They all sat down beside me. Annie's hand reached out and squeezed my arm comfortingly.

"What are you doing here? You should be in bed." My voice didn't sound like my own. It was broken. Shattered in too many places by the dead that it was unrecognizable now.

"I heard you needed some company." She said, "and we couldn't just leave you here all alone."

"I don't deserve to be comforted." I whispered.

A hand reached out and stroked my hair, "sure you do."

It was Alex, the never faltering shadow of the injured.

My heart throbbed painfully then as the sudden longing for my mother emerged. I wanted her arms around me. I wanted her calm voice telling me it would be okay, that Christina would forgive me and people wouldn't think of me as a killer of friends.

Demetry, the last of the trio, had been silent but I could feel his presence none the less. Watching over me.

I didn't deserve any of them, their kindness or small comforts. They should be heading for the hills now that it was painfully clear what happened to those close to me.

Another set of footsteps approached.

"That took longer than I thought it would." Tobias said from above me, "how is she?"

"Sad." Annie answer simply.

I watched as his boots circled me until he knelt beside my head. Instead of settling into the heavy silence he slid an arm under me and pulled me into a sitting position.

"Drink this." He said pressing a canteen into my hand.

For some reason his business like attitude annoyed me.

"Don't look at me like that." He told me, holding my gaze. "You've been lying in the sun for hours."

I took several large gulps of water, draining the canteen quickly as my thirst set in.

With the help of Demetry, Tobias hoisted me to my feet and we began the long journey back to the lodge.

The sun was setting as it finally appeared in the distance. I really had lost the whole day.

Tobias and the others wouldn't let me sleep until I had eaten something.

I spotted Uriah crossing behind one of the tables as I scraped the last of the mush from my bowl.

He gave me a small sad smile, so unlike his usual glowing grin. This somehow made me even sadder.

Caleb appeared then and sat across from me.

"You look like hell." He told me promptly.

"Thanks." I said sarcastically picking up my water glass.

"I heard about what you told Christina." He said, "was Will a friend of yours?"

"Caleb, not now." Tobias said gruffly.

Caleb fell silent but looked as though he wanted to say more.

"Yeah." I told him standing up, "he was a friend."

I left the others at the table and headed into the lodge. The cool of Tobias's bed welcomed me as I collapsed onto it, slipping into unconsciousness almost instantly.