When I finally got Katniss home after that long, exhausting trip back through the woods, Brody suggested skin to skin contact would be the most efficient method for rewarming her, telling me to undress her, and myself, and slip into bed together. Of course people around here (except Haymitch and maybe Sae) assume that Katniss and I are already intimate, between the fake marriage and the fake pregnancy and the very real fact that we share a bed every night, it's laughable, really, that we're not, and never have been. I certainly wasn't going to tell him that though, and I definitely wanted to do anything to make her better. I didn't sleep a wink all night, holding her close until morning, only letting her go to gently dress her in warm pajamas before people started showing up to check in on us.
I can't remember ever being as afraid as I was last night, seeing her cold and unmoving on the floor of the little cabin. I've lived through two Hunger Games and a war, been beaten, tortured and poisoned, had my memories destroyed, been fed terrifying images that still sometimes leap into my mind and make me tremble and quake, and none of it was as awful as that moment. I thought she was gone, and I truly wanted nothing more than to join her.
All of these things swirl in my mind as I lean against the bedroom doorframe watching Brody, who showed up before she and I had a chance to talk, examine Katniss; checking her fingers and toes for frostbite, taking her blood pressure. He's built like a soldier, solid and strong, but he has the calm gentleness of a healer. It's a relief to have medical care in Twelve again. As he finishes his exam, he says something to Katniss that I don't quite catch, something about Prim, and I reflexively hold my breath. Prim is still a difficult topic for Katniss, and after the events of the past couple of weeks I'm worried about her reaction. She looks up at him with an expression of sadness, but also of pride, and I realize that Brody probably met Prim in Thirteen, while she was working in the medical bay there.
He's gathering his things to leave, so I move back into the room. "Take it easy for a couple of days," he admonishes her, "and keep those toes warm." He's smiling as he nods to me, walking towards the door, then over his shoulder he calls back to Katniss, "Maybe bring a compass with you into the woods from now on, in case you get disoriented in the fog again. Happens to the best of us. I'll let myself out." Her jaw drops as she watches him leave the room.
"Disoriented in the fog?" she says in disbelief.
I shrug. "Haymitch." I say by way of explanation. She scowls.
"I've never in my life gotten disoriented in the woods!" She crosses her arms and her scowl deepens. "I know these woods like the back of my hand, better than anyone else in the district! How dare he make me look incompetent and weak!" She's fuming; her eyes are hard and angry, her body language closed. My heart falls.
"Katniss," I start, low and calm.
"No," she interrupts, "he made me look like a fool Peeta! How can I trade at the market if they're all thinking I can't even handle myself out in the woods?"
I sigh. "What should he have told them, Katniss?" I cross over to the window, staring as the cold wind blows the fallen leaves around, swirling, dancing, seemingly carefree, so different from the atmosphere in this room, heavy with things unsaid. Finally I force myself to ask the question I've been avoiding all morning. "Why did you go out to the cabin?" She's quiet for a long time. When I turn back to her she's looking down at her hands in her lap, twisting the bed sheets, an expression of intense shame on her face. I come around and sit on the edge of the bed beside her, gently tipping her chin up until she meets my eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. I shake my head, but say nothing, silently willing her to continue. She closes her eyes, fighting back tears. Then with a shaky breath she continues. "My mother called. We had a conversation, a real conversation, and I think we resolved some things." She opens those silver eyes I love so much and fixes them to mine. "Peeta, she sounded so happy. I haven't heard her happy like that since before, before my father died." She swallows hard, closing her eyes again. "She couldn't be happy with me, couldn't even pretend for me or… or even for Prim. I just felt like she only found happiness because she left me. Like being near me prevented her from ever being happy again. She won't even come for a visit; it'd be too hard for her to be here with me. And then when you came home, and you were so angry, so hurt, and I thought I've been preventing you from being happy too. You're so different when you're not with me, so much happier, and things have been so strange and cold between us lately… I… I thought maybe you were only putting up with me because you felt bad for me. Like I was just in your way."
I gather her into my arms, she's unresisting but she feels a million miles away. "Peeta," she whispers into my chest. "I just wanted to fade away. Things would be better for so many people that way. You could have a real life Peeta, you could be happy, I know you could. I'm so selfish Peeta, I'm selfish and I'm broken and you deserve to be free of that. To be free of me."
My arms tighten around her. Doesn't she understand that being free of her would be a death sentence for me, that my life is nothing without her in it? Finally I pull back and look into her eyes. I don't want her to miss a single word. "Katniss, I love you, I'll always love you. I told you before that my life is meaningless without you in it, and it's still true. Every day that passes, every moment we spend together, I fall even more in love with you." Those incredibly expressive silvery eyes hold both fear, and something else, something unexpected: hope. I speed ahead, before I lose her, before the walls come up. "I know that you're not ready for that yet Katniss, I understand, and I'm so, so happy just spending time together, learning about each other, growing together. I'll wait for you, for as long as you need. Forever." I can feel my eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry, so, so sorry for what I said Katniss, for pushing you away." She silences me with a kiss, just a gentle brush of her closed lips against mine that nonetheless sends electric shocks through me.
"Peeta," she begins softly, "It's my fault." I try to interject, but she silences me, "No, just listen. I'm not very good with words, not like you are." She peeks up at me through her lashes. I wonder if she has any idea how seductive she looks when she does that? "I'm so afraid Peeta. I'm afraid that I'll screw up and you'll be gone. I don't know how to do this," she gestures between herself and me as she says the word 'this' before continuing. "But I can't be without you, even though I'm scared half to death." She looks so vulnerable that it makes me physically ache for her. She continues, so quietly I'm not certain that she intends for me to hear her, "Everyone I've ever loved has left me Peeta. You're the only one who's stayed."
"I'm not going anywhere Katniss, I promise you that. And this," I say, repeating her earlier gesture, "Can be anything we want it to be, no pressure. Okay? Whatever we want. Nothing has to change. I just… I can't lose you Katniss." I mean this too; these past couple of days have made it very clear to me that I need Katniss in my life, in whatever capacity she's willing to give. If only as friends so be it, no matter how badly I want her, want more, our friendship is enough.
Katniss leans into me, resting her head against my chest. "Okay," is all she says.
After a pause I ask, "Why didn't you tell me that your confinement to District 12 was lifted?" I know I'm pushing my luck, she's already opened up so much, but I'm curious, it seems like a kind of big deal and she never once mentioned it. Katniss lifts her head and looks at me, a myriad of emotions playing across her face. I have the feeling that I'm watching her have an internal dialogue. I have to bite back a smile, she's so expressive, it's no wonder she's a terrible liar. She nods her head slightly, as if she's made a decision.
"Do you know why I killed Coin?"
"Because she was going to stage another Hunger Games," I reply immediately. I remember that vote so clearly, I'd been heartbroken, sickened even, when Katniss and Haymitch had voted yes, I was determined to leave the room, was stomping off actually, when Haymitch grabbed my arm. He said quietly enough that only I could hear him 'trust her'. And I remembered how they always seemed to know what each other was thinking and I figured that maybe there was more going on than I could understand. So when Katniss shot Coin, I assumed it was because of the Games suggestion.
Katniss nods. "That was a big part of it, but there was more." She takes a deep breath. "The night before I was supposed to execute Snow I was wandering through the mansion." She glances up at me before added wryly, "Looking for hiding spots." I smirk a little; Haymitch filled me in on Katniss's propensity for hiding in small spaces when she needed to escape life in District 13. Hadn't I also found her in closets here more than once? She continues, cautiously, "I wandered into a section I hadn't been in before, and that's when I smelled them." She shudders, her face contorting. I grab her hands, squeezing them gently in support, encouraging her to continue. "Snow's roses." Her voice is barely a whisper now, but she continues. "I followed the smell until I got to a room that was guarded by a couple of rebel soldiers. They wouldn't let me pass, but then Paylor showed up and she told them to let me in. It was Snow's greenhouse, and he was being held there. In his greenhouse, in his mansion." Her voice is stronger now, and there is a palpable anger in her words. "After everything he did to you, to all of us, he was being held in the lap of luxury instead of in some dungeon!"
"Paylor let you go in to see Snow?" I can't help interjecting, I'm confused. She nods.
"Yeah. I didn't even realize he was in there at first, until he said he was sorry about Prim." I stiffen, horrified. That monster had tormented Katniss after killing her sister, knowing that Prim was the most important person in her life! I'm disgusted, but I stay silent. I know there is more to this, and I feel like maybe this is something Katniss needs to get off her chest.
"He told me it was," she pauses, as if searching for words, "I think he said 'wasteful and unnecessary'. He told me he was just about to surrender when the rebels released the parachutes." I gasp, I can't stop myself.
"He," I start, my mind whirling, "He blamed the rebels for killing all of those children?"
"Yes. He said it was a rebel hovercraft, that if he'd had a working hovercraft himself he would have used it to escape."
"But I was there when the bombs exploded." Of course I was. I pulled Katniss from the flames, we both bear scars from that horrible fire. "I saw the hovercraft, it was a Capitol hovercraft!" My voice is raising, I can't wrap my head around any of this. "You believed him?" I mean it as a question, but it sounds like an accusation. She flinches, and I'm immediately sorry.
"I – I didn't at first, no," she says quietly. "But Peeta, those double exploding bombs, the ones designed to hurt the first target, then kill the people who come to their aid? The ones that killed all of those children and all of the medics? I know the rebels had bombs like that. I saw them being developed in Thirteen, in Special Defense." She starts twisting the bed sheets in her lap again, her bottom lip trembling. "Beetee and Gale designed them," she whispers.
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I stare at Katniss, dumbstruck, my mouth open. She stares back, tears shimmering in her eyes.
"That's why you stopped talking to Gale?" It seems so trivial after everything else she's told me, but I need to know. She shrugs.
"There was already a wall between us. So many of the decisions he made in Thirteen and in the war… I couldn't understand him. He just wasn't the person I used to know. Or maybe he was, and I'd never truly seen him before." She smiles sadly, "He brought me my bow and an arrow the morning of the execution. You know, he never once visited me in the burn ward, or afterwards when I was alone, waiting for Snow's execution. And I didn't notice. I didn't even notice. That was the first time I'd seen him since the Capitol fell and I hadn't really even noticed his absence." She shakes her head, almost as if she's realizing that for the first time herself, then continues, "I asked him if the bombs were his, he said he didn't know. He told me it didn't matter because I'd always think they could have been. And he was right."
She sniffles, and then as I watch she steels herself, squares her shoulders. "Coin was no better than Snow. She sent you out to join the star squad hoping that you would snap and kill me." I know this is true, Haymitch told me as much while I was still in the Capitol hospital, but it hurts to hear. "Prim, Prim was only 13 years old, Peeta. She couldn't have been on the front lines unless someone high up the chain of command authorized it." I nod, I hadn't thought about that, but of course it's true, I've been told that people in Thirteen start training as soldiers at age 14, and I imagine they wouldn't have gone to the front lines until they'd been trained. "Is it really such a stretch to think that Coin would have sacrificed a bunch of Capitol children and a few of the rebel medics to ensure that the Capitol citizens turned against Snow? That she'd sacrifice my sweet sister to cement my commitment to her leadership? And Paylor, well she was pretty high up in Coin's administration, I imagine she knew. I think that's why she let me see Snow, so I'd know the truth." She chuckles mirthlessly, "I doubt she anticipated everything that followed."
"I wasn't planning on killing Coin that day Peeta." She's so quiet now I have to strain to hear her, even though we're sitting so close together that we're physically touching. "I was so confused, about what Snow had told me, about what my heart was telling me. Then she gathered us together, all of the victors, the people who knew firsthand how horrible, how… how life destroying the Games were. She gathered us together and told us to vote on having another Games! I was crushed, that after everything we'd been through, everything we'd fought for, nothing was going to change."
"Shhh, that's enough, we don't have to talk about this anymore." I tell her, gathering her trembling form into my arms again, pulling her into my lap. I know how fragile she is, and I'm frightened that reliving that day is going to push her back into her dark place. I'm not sure I can take much more myself actually; I had believed unquestioningly that the Capitol killed those children, and I feel sick and ashamed that I, and so many others, might have been deceived by the rebels. By Coin. But Katniss isn't done.
"How did you know, Peeta? That day, after I… how did you know... with the nightlock?" She's speaking into my chest. I knew this question would come, eventually, but I'm not sure I have an answer.
"I didn't, not really. I was so upset after the vote, I tried to run off, but Haymitch stopped me. He told me to trust you. And I started to think about how you two always seemed to know what each other was thinking and I figured there was more going on than I could understand. So I stayed, and I watched you closely. It was when you whispered to your bow that I knew. I just knew you were saying goodbye to more than the bow. I was running on pure instinct, I couldn't…" I'm getting choked up now. "I couldn't stand the thought of a world without you Katniss." I bury my face in her hair, I'm afraid to say the rest, but I have to. "After, I didn't know if you'd ever forgive me."
She shifts to face me, still perched on my lap. Her hands cup my cheeks with such gentleness. "You protected me Peeta, protected me from myself." I know what she wants me to say.
"Because that's what we do. Protect each other."