Author Note: So here's chapter 4! Also, I was considering putting an Mpreg in this story at some point. I need 10 people to say yes before chapter six comes out!

Me: Allen, will you do the honors?

Allen: Sure, Crowsnight doesn't own DGM or the characters, only the plot. By the way, what's an Mpreg?

Me: It's when two gu-

Kandy: On to chapter 4! And don't call me Kandy!

Situation

Chapter 4: Shower of Misery and Odd Awakenings

My lips met Kanda's as he pressed me against the wall, tugging at my hair. As we continue, I pull his blue shirt over his head, tracing over his tattoo and abs. I move to put him against the wall, pushing my body hard against his, and kissing down his jaw. He throws his head back and moans softly.

Kanda brings my shirt over my head quickly as I continue down his chest. Suddenly, the bluenette pushes me harshly off of him. I hit the floor hard, and I feel slightly jarred. Looking up to see anger in my boyfriend's eyes and I follow his gaze to my exposed chest. I gasp and stand, turning my back to him to cover the scars and hear him pick up his shirt and put it on. He walks past me and heads for the door and I gasp, "I'm sorry! Please don't leave, Kanda! Please!"

He whirls around, fury radiating off him as he yells, "You disgust me! I'm not going to go anywhere near filth like you!"

I go to my knees, begging, "No! I'm sorry! Forgive me, Kanda, please!"

He runs to me, and shouts, "Wake up, Allen!"

Fuzzy, I open my eyes to find Kanda holding me, and I raise a shaking hand to clutch his exorcist coat. After realizing I had down so, I yank it back and whisper, "Sorry, just a nightmare."

He didn't remove his hands, and instead I shrugged them off and face the wall. I stay awake until he's gone to take a shower. I jump up and walk to the cafeteria. Why would he wake me up after what happened? I wonder as I shovel food into my mouth. I was starving after skipping lunch, and I ate a little more than usual to make up for it. I walk back to the room and ask myself the same question. Entering the room, I see Kanda sitting on his bed and reading that book again. I look away, refusing to drool as he runs his fingers through his sexy hair. I grab my iPod and some clothes and lock the bathroom door as I go in.

I set the things down on the large vanity, and flip through the songs on my iPod. Putting on a rock playlist, I strip and listen to "Blow Me Away" by Breaking Benjamin. I turn the shower on and clog the drain once the water was hot enough for my liking.

I step into the collecting water, and sit in it, letting the first wave of tears come. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I start cutting? I dig my nails into my chest as hard as I could, and I pull them down. I watch the tiny scratches appear and repeat the step several times before the numbness washes over me. My iPod screeches Linkin Park, "I've become so numb, I can't feel you. There, become so taut."

I tremble at the words describing me so well. I wanted to be numb. No one can change that, not even Kanda. He wouldn't understand, and that's why I can't pull him down with me. I can't be with him.

I feel another dam of tears break as I come to the dreaded conclusion. I admit that I love the jerk of a samurai, but no, I can't. I shouldn't have broken the small barrier that separated us in the first place. The water in the tub is turning pink now, but I'm not leaving my sanctuary yet. I don't want to face reality.

You would never have to face reality again if you just….

I shake my head, and put the thought to the back of my mind, where it has nestled and grew over the past year. I wearily unclog the drain and turn off the shower. I stand from the depleting water step out of the shower. I dry off, careful not to go over the wounds on my chest. The blood was running in scarlet streams, and I had to clean them with a washcloth. I apply the gauze quickly, trying to get the cuts dressed before suspicion was raised.

After washing out the cloth until the water ran clear, I pulled on the blue shirt Lenalee had bought along with a pair of sweatpants. I open the door and walk to my bed. All the lights were out, and the only light came from the half moon outside. Jumping on the bed, I hear Kanda say, "What's with the turtlenecks?"

"My arm," I reply, not coming up with another answer.

"I don't care about the arm, you know," he grunts. No, I didn't know. I thought he still thought it was cursed. I smile, but say, "Doesn't matter."

I hear him sigh, but he says nothing more. I almost instantly fall into a ruthless slumber.

Mugen buries deeper into the flesh of my forehead. Kanda smirks as I scream in pain and he laughs. I try to push myself back, but am against a wall. Suddenly, he stops the torture and sheaths Mugen. He carries my writhing body to the bed and I whisper, "Kan…da…don't…leave me…."

I wake up, but keep my eyes closed. My first thought was that I didn't wake up screaming. My second was that I felt unusually warm. The rest of my senses kick in and I feel myself curled up against someone else, and my face nuzzled into their chest. Strong arms were wrapped around me, and I could hear soft breathing. The smell hits me last: Moonlight Mist.

I take in a sharp breath and open my eyes. I didn't move, but I knew I was in Kanda's bed, and I was clinging to its owner. I try to steady my breathing and act asleep, but hear a deep voice say, "Don't try it. I know you're awake."

I jump slightly at the sudden voice, but relax again in Kanda's arms. For once I felt safe. I whisper, "Umm…why am I in your bed?"

"You were screaming again, and when I tried to wake you up, you grabbed me, but stopped screaming. I moved you down here, and thought this would keep the nightmares from coming back," he answered.

"It worked. Thank you, Kanda," I said, before silence filled the air. I shiver slightly, and he immediately pulled me closer. I look up from his chest, and met his dark eyes. "What are the nightmares about?" he asked, but something told me he knew.

"The Order being destroyed," I lie, trying to sound convincing. He shakes his head, "Then why are you always apologizing to me, and begging me not to leave?"

I feel a tear run down my cheek, and he gets it with his thumb. I smile at the gesture, "It's always my fault."

He nods before kissing the top of my head. I still don't think he was very convinced, but I was relieved that he pushed it no farther. I whisper, "We are so messed up."

He begins to rub circles in my back and says, "No surprise there." I slowly am lulled to sleep by Kanda's heat and hands on my back.

My eyes open, and I find myself alone, missing Kanda's heat. I look around and find my boyfriend on the balcony reading. My boyfriend? No, he's not. You've got to stop this.

I stand from the bed, kicking the blankets off me. As I walk to the door, the bluenette looks away from the book to me, but soon turns back around. I open the door, and am blasted by cold air. I shiver and step onto the freezing concrete. Pulling the door closed, I sit in the other chair. I start hesitantly, "About last night, I-"

"Forget about it," he says, his voice stone cold. He doesn't even look up as he says the words.

Anger fills me, "Forget about it?! Why are you so hot and cold?!" "Forget about it" was originally what I was going to say, but at least I had an explanation.

He closes the book, and faces me. I can tell that he's trying to control his fury, a livid expression trying to break out onto his features, "I'm hot and cold?! I at least was honest about my feelings! I didn't purposely seduce you, and then get all self-conscious! I haven't been getting nightmares every night and needed to be right next to you to make them go away!"

I don't think I've seen Kanda this mad before. He was kind of scaring me to tell the truth. I have no explanation to any of it, and I wasn't going to lie about it again. I just sat there in silence. I ball my fists up until they were white, and didn't know I was crying until the tears landed on them.

I barely choke out, "I'm sorry." I stand and walk back into the room, shutting the sliding door behind me. Nowhere else to go, I close the bathroom door behind me as I enter. I sit in the bottom of the dry Jacuzzi and let the tears come. He really hated me now. Kanda was so angry I could practically see a red aura around him. I don't blame him. I hate myself more than anyone else hates me, so I totally understand. Maybe I should just….

I shake my head and push the thought away, allowing the tremors to wrack my broken body. Could I be any more pathetic? I've looked up all the best ways to commit suicide. I know I could be dead in minutes if I just ran the razor up my veins. If I jumped off the balcony. If I took a bottle of pills.

I wrap my arms around myself. It would be so easy, and if Kanda wasn't here, I could be gone before he came back….

A knock on the bathroom door interrupted my thoughts, "Are you okay?"

The last thing I ever thought would happen happened. Kanda was worried? Yu Kanda was worried?

I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth, until I hear the handle turn. Crap, I forgot to lock the door! "I'm fine!" I say quickly. "Don't come in!"

My voice was cracking in so many different places that I couldn't have convinced a rock I was okay. The door opened and Kanda's gaze scanned the bathroom for me. His eyes soon found their target and he kneeled down next to the tub.

I attempt to smile, "I'm hot and cold?" My terrible excuse of a smile faded as my body started shaking again. The bluenette's eyes were frantic as he watched me shudder. After that had passed, I say, "I'm fine. Really, just leave me."

He shakes his head quickly, "I'm not leaving you like this."

My nightmares weren't coming true yet, thankfully. It was only a matter of time I knew. He whispers, "I'm sorry."

My eyes widen. Kanda apologized? And of all people, he apologized to me? I shake my head, "What are you sorry for? I'm not mad or upset."

"I don't know. I've been such a jerk lately…."

I reach up and cup his face, "Kanda, are you just now realizing what a jerk you are? You've always been a jerk to me and everyone. If anything you've just been acting bipolar."

He looks at my weak form. My eyes are still overflowing with tears, and I start to shake a little, too. He brushes away my hand, "Then why are you crying?"

"I was about to tell you we can't be together. I'm just too complicated and…" broken. I almost said the word and would lose it if I did.

"And what?" he asks, sadness in his eyes.

"Different. I'm just too different," I have stopped crying and shaking, but now can realize how stupid I sound.

"I don't care how different you are," he tried to convince me. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

He was referring to the shirt issue, and I know that he must really want this. He must really want me. The thought worried me, "What about missions? What happens if it starts clouding our judgment?"

Kanda most likely hadn't thought about this and was silent for a few moments. He decided, "It won't, it just means that I won't let you die."

I sigh. I was all out of arguments. I stand from the tub, slightly wobbling, and the bluenette had to steady me. I step over the brim of the tub, but my foot hooked it and I fell. Of all places, I had to land on Kanda, who was far too happy about the situation. Our noses were nearly touching, and he pressed our lips together.

The samurai flipped us so he was over me, and I melted into the kiss. He pulled away, searching my eyes for an objection. I lifted my chin, and pulled down some of my shirt, exposing my neck. He smirked and greedily attacked the naked flesh. I was on fire. He moved to my ear, licking behind it before biting the lobe. I quietly yelp in pleasure and groan, "Kandy…."

I put my hand over my mouth, but it had already slipped out. He removes the hand from my mouth while continuing his work. I lay there, letting Kanda play with me until I get bored. I tug at his shirt, and he more than happily pulls it over his head. I push up hard enough to roll us over, taking the shirtless bluenette off guard. I pin him down and take over, licking and kissing down his neck and chest. I come to his tattoo and ever so slowly trace the design with my tongue.

Kanda throws back his head with a groan. He raises a hand to pull on my white hair and twirl it around his finger. After I'm done with the tattoo, I look at his face. His eyes are glazed with lust and satisfaction. I whisper, "We'll see how it goes…."

He snapped out of his daze and nodded happily. I don't think I've see the sexy teen happy before. He looked so at peace when he was though.

My thoughts are interrupted by what sounded like a bear growling. I sit up and look away sheepishly. A blush bloomed on my face. Kanda put on his shirt quickly, and unfortunately. Offering his hand, he said, "Let's get breakfast."

I took the offered hand, and I couldn't help, but smile. After the samurai waited for me to change into jeans and another turtleneck, we headed to the cafeteria. I knew he was disappointed with the shirt choice, but said nothing. I kind of wanted to hold hands or something, but refrained. We were walking very close though, our arms occasionally brushing, and everyone noticed. Someone in a group of finders even whistled and I had to restrain Kanda from shoving Mugen up the person's butt.

As it turns out, the breakfast was more of lunch and after ordering our food, we sat at the table where the rabbit and Lenalee were already eating at. As we sat, Lavi said, "Took you guys long enough! I thought I would die from anticipation watching you guys pretend to be at each other's throats. I guess you still ar-"

Lenalee slapped her hand over the idiot's mouth at the same time I had to hold back the bluenette again. He seemed to calm slightly at the touch of my hand on his shoulder, but he was still radiating anger.

"Anyways, I'm glad you two are happy," the green-haired girl said. Lavi mumbled something to her hand, but no one made it out.

I nodded, "Thanks." Kanda stayed silent, but I knew under the glaring eyes, he was blushing. Lenalee kicked the Usagi hard before removing her hand. He wouldn't stay quiet for long I knew. He looked guilty and I knew he had ideas of suicide running through his mind. Kanda ate his soba and I chatted with Lenalee about the latest news around the Order.

Suddenly, Lavi broke out in song, "Allen and Kanda sitting in a tree, K-I-S-"

I blush and forget to hold down my boyfriend from punching the rabbit. I can't say I blame him, but I glance at Lenalee. She has the same idea I have and she nods.

Author Note: I'm killing you with anticipation, aren't I? Remember, I need ten people to say yes for the Mpreg! Please, Please, PLEASE R/R.