The next afternoon...

The doctors had figured out Dad had suffered a heart attack. It had been completely random, no signs or anything. There was nothing around that seemed to cause it. He was super happy being a father to Fiona and her baby, and he ate healthy, so what caused the heart attack?

The only thing that was for sure, was that it happened, but it wasn't very bad. It could've been many levels worse.

Eric and I were at home, packing some stuff that night when he suggested something.

"So, I was thinking maybe we could plan our trip to Trinidad soon, and then move into the new apartment right when we get back."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"I figured you'd think so."

"Wanna plan the trip now?"

"Yeah, why not?" Eric agreed, hopping up, grabbing his laptop and sitting back beside me.

Tuesday... March 14th...

Time had went by so quickly. Chuck and Blair got home from their honeymoon on February 26. Shortly after, Blair got a job at Waldorf Designs. She would be helping Eleanor and I design a special collection, starting in the near future.

Dad had been released from the hospital on the first of March, and he was given a list of restrictions to prevent anything from happening in the future, and Lily was keeping most of her attention on him.

Eric and I (and the girls) had arrived home from Trinidad yesterday, after having been gone for a week.

We were moving in to our new, bigger apartment on Saturday, and I had a checkup today.

1:13 pm... In the doctor's office...

The doctor had just finished the ultrasound and was examining the scar from Kalika's birth.

"It looks like you should be able to give birth to this little girl naturally if you still want to when the time comes." She told me.

"Yeah, I'm definitely hoping to."

"You probably can, unless something major happens or changes in the next 14 weeks."

"Let's hope that doesn't happen." Eric said.

"Agreed." I said, holding his hand.

Friday... March 17th... 4:23 pm...

We'd just finished moving all of our stuff to the new apartment. Now the unpacking and settling in. Chuck and Dan were coming over to help set up some of the heavier furniture and move things into good places.

10:49 pm...

Eric and I were laying together in our newly arranged bed, in our nearly empty bedroom. Tianna had went home with Chuck for the night, and Kalika was asleep in her room. Our unborn baby was being still, probably tired from moving around all day.

"I think we chose a great home." Eric told me proudly.

"Well I'd sure hope so, since we just moved in!" I laughed, moving a little closer to him.

"How is the tiny one?" He asked, gently stroking my belly.

"I'm guessing she's tired. She was jumpy all day long."

"Your bump is so damn cute."

"No, the baby is cute. The bump makes me fat."

"Jenny, you aren't fat."

"I look fat though."

"No, you fucking don't! You look pregnant, which you are! You're beautiful, don't you know that?" He took my hands and massaged them gently.

"I'm not that great."

"Don't even say that."

"I'm just being honest."

"You're still beautiful. And I still love you."

I kissed him sensually.

"I love you." I whispered in his ear, then continued to kiss him, and beginning to rub his shoulders.

Carefully, I climbed onto his hips, making sure to not bash the baby.

"What are you doing?" Eric asked me, laughing.

"Can we have sex?" I quietly asked.

"I'm guessing you want to?"

"Yeah, I really do. Can we?"

"Jen, I'm not sure that's the greatest idea-"

"Why?"

"Just-"

"You're not in the mood?"

"It's not that, it's-"

"Oh-"

"Why do you keep interrupting me?"

"Did you do it again?" I asked him caringly.

"Babe-"

"You did."

"I never said that!"

"You didn't have to. It's obvious."

"I didn't want to upset you-"

"Where are the fucking blades?"

"Jenny-"

"Don't even protest! Where are they?"

"Under the bathroom sink." Eric admitted, looking down in shame.

I crawled out of bed and went into our bathroom (the new apartment had two bathrooms).

I opened the cabinet below the sink, dug around in a few things and sure enough, there they were, hidden behind a box of condoms. What a clever hiding spot since we never used condoms!

I sat on the closed toilet seat and began leaving cuts down my forearms, wincing at the stinging of the blades breaking my skin.

"Jenny, what the hell are you doing?" Eric suddenly asked, rushing toward me.

"What you keep doing to yourself!"

"Stop it!" He exclaimed, trying to take the blade out of my hand.

"Why should I?"

"Because you don't deserve it!"

"And you think you do?"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"Eric, think for one fucking second, would you do this to me?"

"No-"

"Would you do it to Kalika?"

"No-"

"Would you do it to Serena?"

"No! Jen, what the fuck is this about?"

"If you wouldn't do it to anyone else, why are you doing it to yourself?"

"It gives me something to feel-"

"Oh and I don't? All these fucking times you've moaned my name in bed were nothing? When our daughter was born, you didn't feel happy? On our wedding day, you didn't feel love? Those pieces of cold metal gave you better feelings than I ever did? Well it's good we cleared that up!" I exclaimed and turned to leave the bathroom.

"Babe, you know I didn't mean that! Those moments made me happy, but the blades were my escape when I felt nothing!" Eric shouted after me.

Then I heard cries from Kalika's room.

"You woke the baby! Fucking thanks!" I yelled back, hurrying to our little girl.

As I picked up our 10 month old daughter, I realized how harsh I'd been to my husband, and thought of how terrible he must be feeling now.

The thought of him hurting caused me enough pain, I didn't need to be causing him to hurt, and he certainly didn't deserve it either.

Why had I acted out so much? Was it the shitty pregnancy hormones? I can't blame everything on them.

I began to cry as I changed Kalika's wet diaper. After putting her back into her crib, I sanitized the changing table and went back into the bedroom to find my husband sitting on his side of the bed, crying.

"Eric, I'm really, really sorry. I was being a complete bitch about everything back there. This isn't your fault." I apologized as I sat beside him.

"No, it is. I really am fucked up."

"Don't say that. You aren't 'fucked up' you're just struggling with some things. We all struggle with things. Some of them are just more difficult, and that's ok. One day, things will be better. It won't be today, and probably not tomorrow, but someday." I told him, sliding my arms around him.

"I've tried so hard to believe that. Ever since my mom checked me into Ostroff when I attempted suicide 5 years ago, everyone has said that. I'm starting to think it isn't true." Eric choked.

"I know it seems like it's just a big fucking lie, but it will get better. I didn't think it would get better after I lost our baby before our wedding, but it did. You just have to work on it, and it'll happen. And I'll be with you every step of the way." I assured him, kissing his neck.

"Jen, I fucking love you. I love you so much, I can't even describe it-"

"I love you too. Forever and always." I kissed him on the lips, again and again, before eventually climbing into my side of the bed, and getting to rest.