Me: Lenalee, will you do the honors?

Lenalee: Crowsnight doesn't own DGM or the characters, just the plot.

Me: Thanks, and on to chapter 22!

Situation

Chapter 22: Shadows of Shame

My eyes open to darkness, meaning it was before dawn. I groggily sit up, missing the warm body that generally was beside me. Sighing, I kick the sheet off my body and swing my legs over the side over the bed, making sure they touch the floor before I put my elbows on my knees.

It was a week since the ultrasound, and on Monday, Kanda had to retrieve Innocence somewhere in Germany. He was supposed to be back tonight, and he made contact yesterday before he got on the train, so I had planned to sleep until noon and stay up until he got here, but it was a rather long trek from the station to the Order, and I don't know if tonight means sundown or two in the morning. I didn't do much this week because of the absence of my boyfriend, and really I only left my room to eat.

Any other time, I would've been with Lenalee, but that wasn't an option. I knew I needed to apologize, but when I tried, she wouldn't give me the time of day. The last time we had a fight like this, it didn't end well, as in that was when I first attempted suicide, and with Kanda not here, the only thing that was keeping me from cutting was the baby. But even she wasn't holding me back very efficiently. It was only a matter of time before I broke, and the only way hold it back would be to see what would happen if I tried to say how sorry I was one more time.

I consider waiting and flopping back down onto the bed, but instead I stand and begin to pull on the clothes I had laid out on my dresser. After I had brushed my teeth and hair, I head out to the cafeteria for breakfast. It was probably seven now, and Jerry had just set up the kitchen and was more than happy to make a giant breakfast for me.

In half an hour, I was done eating and was walking towards Lenalee's room. It may be only an hour after sunrise, but I knew for a fact the Lenalee got up when the sun rose, no matter what. I'm not sure how she does it because she stays up until midnight sometimes.

I stand outside the door of her room. What was I going to say? Hey, Lenalee, I'm sorry. That was what I'd been doing for the past two weeks. Maybe it just takes a little push. Hesitantly, I knock on the wood.

It takes a second, but soon the door opens. She was wearing her uniform and looked like she was about to go to the cafeteria. Our gazes meet, and I can see the sorrow in her violet eyes. She opens her mouth to say something and then she closes it again, breaking the eye contact to stare at the ground. I say, "Lenalee, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about what was going on. Please forgive me."

Worst. Apology. Ever. It was that simple. I didn't really have anything else to say and just as I was about to turn away, she replies, "I wasn't mad, or angry. It was just that I can't stand it that I didn't notice. Allen…just…just leave me alone for a while. We're still friends, but I need some time."

Even though her voice was steady and her eyes were cast downwards, I could still tell she was on the verge of tears. I whisper, "Okay."

With that, I bolt back to my room, not stopping until the bathroom door was locked behind me. I let the tears come, and I bang my head hard against the wall several times, indentions probably left behind. My legs collapse from under me and I slide to the floor. What was I going to do? Lenalee hated me now; she just wasn't going to tell me. Kanda was somewhere hundreds of miles away. I had no one.

The shudders begin wracking my body, and I fall to my side, the cold floor soothing my hot cheeks. I cry, "Kanda!"

He couldn't hear me, but I needed him right now. I needed him more than ever except that night I got pregnant. I pull my shirt off and dig my nails into the flesh of my upper arms, my pain making me see white spots.

I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to do it. I shake my head harshly as I try to push my nails deeper, but can't. Fingernails can only go so far down into your skin and then they stop. I needed the numbness so badly. I had to have it.

My hands push against the cold floor, and the blood on my fingers leaves little smears on the tiles as I sit up, and eventually stand. I was going to do it. One little slice wouldn't hurt me. It would satisfy me.

I stumble toward the bathtub, my hands the only support against the porcelain. The razor still was placed on the edge of the tub, inviting me to drag it across my skin, and I reached out for it. After I had the instrument in my small hand, I slide to the floor next to the tub.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I think in my mind. I wasn't sure who I was apologizing to. Maybe to Lenalee for not telling her, and then lying about how I was no longer a cutter. I hadn't planned on it, but things happen. Maybe to Kanda for breaking the promise that I would never hurt myself again after that night. Maybe to Mana for becoming such a pathetic son, even if I was only adopted. Maybe to the baby for doing this while she was in me.

Whoever it was, I felt the guilt gnawing at me as I brought the razor closer to the skin on my right arm. A whimper escaped my parted lips as the pain of the metal sank into my flesh, and I made the cut as deep as I could without hitting something important.

Removing the razor blade, I sigh in relief as the numbness rushed to every part of my body, making me feel serene and tranquil. As I watch the cut ooze blood onto my upper arm, I realize what I had done.

Oh no, oh no, Kanda is going to be furious, not to mention upset. What about the baby? I cry out in realization and drop the razor, bringing my arms to my stomach to hold where the baby was, the innocent baby. I whisper, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Why did I have to do that? I had sworn to never touch a razor ever again, and promised the same to Kanda. The tears begin pouring out my eyes, the crystalline drops each filled with shame, enmity, and guilt from what I had just done.

I watch the crimson liquid run down my arm and drip to the floor in large splatters. I needed to clean up the wound to keep myself from passing out, which wouldn't help since I was going to keep the incident a clandestine until Kanda found out himself.

Weakly, I push myself up from the floor, using the tub as a support even though the scarlet smeared over the pearly white surface. It took more effort than I thought to get myself to the vanity and dig out the gauze in the drawer and a washcloth.

I wet the cloth, the blood dripping off my fingers into the sink and turning the draining water light pink. As I bring it up my arm, the blood flow is staunched, but my tears don't even come close to it. I can't help but let them run free down my cheeks, nose, and chin, and I have no desire to stop them. I deserved this punishment for what I had done, for hurting the baby and breaking my promise to Kanda.

It takes a few minutes, but I eventually get my arm bandaged and pull on a t-shirt. The cut I had made was deep, but short, so it didn't require much bandage, and was easily hid by short-sleeves. With that done, I turn out the light and desultorily walk into the bedroom, flopping down onto the bed.

I had to have laid there for hours, wallowing in my own grief and sorrow. The mistake was unbearably unforgivable, and it was killing me. Though, after the sun had set, I had to go to the cafeteria with a plastic smile glued to my face and eat.

Half an hour later, it was five and I opened the door to my room to find an open suitcase by the bed, Mugen propped up against the wall, and the bathroom light on. I wasn't sure to be happy or sad about the fact that Kanda was back or not, but I had to at least act it. At that moment, the bluenette stepped out of the bathroom, his hair down and wearing a training shirt.

I fling myself into his arms, nearly knocking him down as I clash our lips together. I made my decision then. I was ecstatic that he was back, and I wanted to lose myself in him, or more correctly, with him in me.

We break apart for air and he says, "Don't I ever get a 'Hello' anymore?"

"Shut up," I mutter as I latch onto his ear lobe, biting and licking it like a lollipop. Roughly, I grab onto his broad shoulders, and jump up enough to wrap my legs tightly around his hips, pressing our "areas" together harshly. He moans quietly and moves me against the wall, slamming my back against the surface so that I disconnect from his ear with a gasp as his tongue darts in my mouth.

Kanda's tongue explores my cavern as I run my fingers through his smexy hair, and he trails his hands over my back. Just when I thought I was in heaven, I screech in pain. Kanda immediately stops and let's go of my shoulders, which he had been clutching. I fall off him, hitting the floor with a jarring thud and I rest my back against the wall. Of course, being the worrier he is when it comes to me, he kneels down and asks, "Are you okay? The baby's okay, isn't she?"

I nod, still not able to speak from the pain I had felt from the cut being pressed. Looking away from him, I find the words to say, "I just hurt my shoulder earlier."

That was a bad way to explain it, because in less than a second, he had silently moved the cloth covering from my bandaged cut. It took just that moment for him to say lividly, "Why did you do that?!"

"Lenalee hates me, and you weren't here…" I trail off the susurration, still not looking at him. I knew that he was beyond angry, and he stood beside me and yelled, "Allen, you have to stop doing this! It's so stupid and-"

I cut him off as I jumped up from the floor and before I knew it, the anger took itself out on him. My knuckles hurt from the blow, and Kanda looked up from where he lay splayed out across the room, his lip busted and the back of his head probably bleeding from where it had hit the bedpost.

I scream, "YOU IDIOT! It's not stupid! It's what I do to detach from the world! I already cried my heart out about it for the past five hours, and I don't need you criticizing me about it! So stop judging me and try listening for once in your stupid life, Kanda!"

I fall to my knees and my hands steady me on the floor as the tears burst from my eyes. The anger at Kanda wasn't close to quelled, not even abated, and I just kept running his words through my mind. It's so stupid. I can't believe he said that, not one bit.

The rage continued to grow inside me as I heard the words repeat endlessly in my mind. It was like someone built a fire in my heart and every time I heard those three words another gallon of kerosene was poured on it. The rustling from Kanda moving caught my attention and he started, "Allen-"

"Unless you want a black-eye, too, I would advise you to keep your mouth shut," I spat. It wasn't like me to be so harsh and heartless to people, but this was a fuse he ignited by his own will, regardless of knowing my reaction. That happens sometimes when you're an arrogant jerk.

I look up at him and our gazes meet. I hated the barrier he put up, which most likely meaning he was battling his emotions, and I say, "You really are an idiot, you know that?"

"So I've been told several times," he mutters, absently wiping the blood off his chin and lip. As I look down again, I do the only thing I know to do. I turn away from him and bury my black nails into my right wrist, wanting the numbness so much that I couldn't stand it. I throw my head back as the pain morphed to my favorite feeling on this earth, trying to put my nails deeper into my skin.

"Allen! Stop!" he cries, immediately up from the floor and at my side. Kanda struggles to free my grip, and I elbow him in the ribs as hard as I can, causing him to stagger back in pain before I release my wrist long enough to throw another hard punch to his jaw.

As he did before, he soared back from the force, except this time, he missed the bed and hit the wall with a crack. When he slumps forward, there's a fracture in the wall from where his head was to where I couldn't see because of his body. Another wave of shock from my actions hits me and I tear my shirt, rip off the bandage, and claw at the fresh wound. Stars and white spots swirled before my eyes as I lay back against the wall.

My ears only vaguely register the plea from the other side of the room, "Allen, please stop it. I'm begging you…please."

I didn't stop though, and I completely ignore his continuous requests for me to stop my self-harm. The numbness was incredible, almost like I was high on something. It was better than cocaine.

Suddenly, I'm pinned to the floor, my hands restrained on either side of my head and my boyfriend's knees holding mine down. I couldn't move and I wanted to dig my nails into my shoulder so badly….

"Stop it," Kanda whispered, his voice cracking. I feel a cold tear land on my chest followed by the sticky blood coming from his busted lip and his mouth, probably from my last attack. His eyes shined with sorrow as he stared down at me.

I didn't care. I just begged, "Please, scratch me or cut me, something!"

He didn't move, but as soon as I felt his grip loosen ever so slightly, I flipped us over. I saw the fear in his eyes as I struck the side of his face, the blood spattering the ground as his head was turned. The guilt I had felt earlier was gone, nonexistent, dissipated from my mind as I landed blow after blow to his face. Though, he never fought back, just let me beat him until my own knuckles were bloody, the scarlet coming from him and me.

I back-handed him on the cheek before finally stopping the abuse. My nails immediately found their way back to my shoulder, digging down deep until I think I couldn't see anything from the white in my vision.

I pulled my nails away, sated with the buzz I had gotten when I see what I had done. Kanda was on the floor beside me, blood spattered across the floor in either direction from how many times I had punched him, and I thought for a moment he was unconscious before his eyelids opened.

I cry out in shock, and the tears start streaming down my face. Putting a hand on his cheek, I whisper, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I-I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay. I don't care as long as you don't hurt yourself," he coughs, blood running out both corners of his mouth. I didn't know what to say. I had just nearly beaten him into unconsciousness, and he did it to protect me from myself.

He sat up, taking my stunned form into his arms. I don't know how he stood not drawing Mugen on me, and he whispered, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier."

For some reason, I couldn't respond. There were no words that describe what had just happened, and I felt like I should be pushed off the balcony for it. All I could manage was, "I love you. I'm so sorry!"

I start shuddering and crying in his arms, knowing I would probably be like this all night. He says into my ear, "I love you, too, Allen. It's okay."

Author Note: Whew, that was emotional! Next chapter should be up tomorrow or day after. Tell me what your favorite part was? Least favorite? Please, Please, PLEASE R/R!