Author Note: Thank you all for the reviews, it means so much.

Me: Reever, will you do the honors?

Reever: Sure, Crowsnight doesn't own DGM or the characters, only the plot.

Me: To chapter 23!

Situation

Chapter 23: Forgiveness and Darkness in the Past

We had to have laid there for hours, me crying and Kanda bleeding and telling me it was okay. It was one of the most intense nights of my life, and I didn't like intensity. I was about to pull away from him when one of his arms slipped under my legs and he picked me up, carrying me bridal style into the bathroom.

Since I wasn't really sure what he was doing, I just clung to his neck until he says, "Let go for a second."

I follow the kind order, releasing him and I feel something hard under my butt and thighs, the vanity. He had sat me onto the vanity and was wetting the washcloth I had used to clean my wounds in the first place. Squeezing out the extra water, he gently took my right arm and ran the cloth over my wrist. I welcomed the soothing sting, letting out a small sigh of relief. I say, "I can do it, if I need to."

The look Kanda gives me tells me "No, not in a million years." I don't blame him. Obviously, I wasn't the most stable person in the world. That's when he moves the cloth to my much more severe wound on my shoulder.

I think that it was so deep that no matter what, I would feel the effects of my previous actions. As he pressed down ever so little, stars swirled my vision, and I throw back my head against the mirror, arching into his touch and whimpering at the feeling. The numbness was incredible, and I immediately miss it when he pulls away, casting me a confused look.

I glance at him, embarrassed as I whisper, "Please, do that again."

He shakes his head, "No, did I hurt you?"

"No, it felt good," I reply, longing for the feeling again. I wasn't sure if he understood why it felt good, and the thought was confirmed when he said, "Why would cleaning a wound feel good? Isn't it painful?"

I repeat, "Please, do that again, Kanda."

"No, I want to know what you felt."

I glance up at him, his eyes full of bewilderment as I say, "Numb, it makes me feel numb."

"Do you mean cleaning wounds or cutting?" his voice was full of concern, and he brushes away a tear slipping down my cheek. I sniffle, "Cutting."

"I thought it was painful," he says.

I shake my head, "It's painful at first, but then it's like being high morphine only better. I can't really explain it, but it feels incredible."

"That's what you meant by 'detaching from the world.'" He whispers, and I nod.

Trying to find a new topic, I say, "You need to take a shower, and so do I. Can you start the water?"

He nods and moves toward the shower, but as I hop off the vanity, he comes back, leaning on the wall with his eyes closed. Confused, I look in the tub's direction, realizing the problem. I had forgotten to clean up the mess from when I cut the first time. Quickly, I grab the cloth and go down on my knees, scrubbing the bloody floor spatters and smears on the tub. I didn't look up as the shower comes on and stand, tossing the cloth into the tub so I could use it to clean up the blood on our bodies.

Kanda was already in the shower as always, and I strip hastily, following him in less than a minute. His back was to me as he wet his hair and then squeezed out the moisture, the water coming out scarlet. I whimper quietly, watching his blood leave his hair. My boyfriend says, "It's healed already."

"I know, but still, how could I…" I trail off, looking at my hands. Not trusting my legs' strength, I sit down, bringing my knees to my chin and wrapping my legs with my arms. I close my eyes and resist the urge to dig my nails into my cut even though every nerve inside me screamed for the numbness.

I feel a warm body beside me, and I open my eyes, looking at Kanda's dark, concern filled ones. He asks, "I need you to swear something, okay?"

I nod, listening. He continues, "If you ever feel the urge to cut, hit me instead."

"No, I won't," I say, horror running through me at his words.

"Promise!" he repeats.

I feel the tears bubbling over my eye lids, "Kanda, it's called abuse! I'm not ever hurting you again!"

"I don't care as long as you don't hurt yourself," he whispers, closing his eyes as to not look at my tears, and I say, "If you didn't notice, the reason that that happened was because I wanted to cut, and it just made it worse when I realized what I had done."

He pushes our lips together softly, but I pull away. It was awful. The pain in my heart knowing what I had done was the worst pain I had ever felt. If I had been Kanda's age, I could be put in jail or prison for domestic violence, and I wouldn't have minded.

It took several minutes of arguing with my boyfriend to convince him to drop it. He never brought it up again, and I picked up the washcloth off the side of the tub, rinsing it out. I bring it to his face, trying to get the blood off of him, but he flinches away. I couldn't tell if it was lack of trust or his hate of people touching his face, but for the sake of not wanting to hop back on the other note, I take it playfully even though I didn't want to.

I roll my eyes, "We've gone through how much since Cobalt, and you still don't like me touching your face?"

"A lot," he says.

"Okay, and that means that you have two options, either you let me clean you off, or no kisses for you," I threaten. Kanda groans, but stays still as I run the cloth over his face. Even if he was coerced into it, he seemed to enjoy my touch a bit, not protesting as I wipe the blood and dirt from his cheeks.

My least favorite part was cleaning the blood in the corner of his mouth and what was left of his busted lip, the only thing that hadn't healed completely. I say, "Kanda, you know that you have to clean my shoulder, and I don't trust myself to do it."

"I know," he says, taking the cloth and rinsing it out very thoroughly, probably trying to waste time. Before I brings the cloth down, I say, "It's going to be weird, and I'll probably look like we're having sex or something."

He nods, takes a deep breath, and presses the cloth to my wound lightly. Even though the pressure was tiny and most likely the least he could manage, the cut was deep and I saw the white spots, moaning quietly. I throw my head back as he moves the cloth ever so slightly, the numbness making my toes curl.

Kanda begins actually cleaning the wound then, the pressure increasing and the movements so wonderful that I arch my back farther than I thought was possible. I let out one more groan and he pulls away, leaving the cut nicely cleaned, and I whisper, "Thank you, Kanda."

He doesn't reply as he stares the wall, and I guess he's horrified. I don't blame him, it was probably hard to take in what just happened, and I say, "I'm sorry. That was pretty disgusting, wasn't it?"

"No, I just…didn't know that you would react like that," he continues to look at the wall, and I do the same to him. His eyes were blank and emotionless, and he seemed calm, though I knew it was an act. I say, "How did you think I would react?"

"I don't know, I guess like it hurt," he replied, still gazing at the wall. "I've never talked or even knew a cutter."

I shake my head, "No, I can guarantee you've met a cutter other than me, you just didn't know. It's not something easily spotted."

He sighs, and finally breaks the eye contact with the wall and faces me, still looking serene, and I mutter, "You can take down the wall, you know that right?"

He nods, his dark orbs suddenly filled with love, confusion, and sadness. I really didn't want him to be confused, and if there was something he didn't understand I wish he would ask. Though, I wasn't sure how much I would want to answer the question, and who knows, maybe it would be something judgmental. He took me in his arms, holding me close to him and I close my eyes, laying my head back on his shoulder. My arms and hands lay over his, and he kisses my crown. I liked lying with him like this, my back to his chest, because we can be so close, but at the same time not look at each other.

With all the guilt I had in me right now, I don't think I could stand to look him in the eyes very long.

I feel a tear slip down my cheek, and he catches it with his thumb, kissing the corner of my eye. I pushed up and our lips meet softly. Kanda rolls me over, grabbing my hips so I straddle him, and I deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue in his mouth. He smirked at my uncharacteristic forwardness, our tongues clashing together.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Unfortunately, we didn't do anything more, except for washing each other. Once we left the bathroom, I had to clean up the blood spattered around our bedroom, and after that had been done, we finally could go to sleep.

It was nearly three in the morning, but I couldn't sleep. Kanda, on the other hand, was out in a few minutes, which was rare, but I guess I wore him out with the beating I gave him. I shiver at the thought and push it away.

I felt like a stuffed animal in a way wrapped up in his arms. Eventually, I drifted into a restless sleep.

I walk into the bathroom after getting back from the cafeteria. The light was on and I figured Kanda was in there.

"Kanda! What did you do?!" I scream, looking down at the blood-covered razor on the floor and the crimson smeared on his abs. He looks up at me with a smile, "You said it felt great, and it did."

"Kanda!" I bolt straight up, breathing heavy and tears streaming down my cheeks. Frantically, I glance around, and Kanda sits up beside me, "Allen, are you okay?"

I throw myself into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. It was just a dream, Allen. It was just a dream. Even so, I still pulled away and lifted up his shirt, ensuring there was no wound. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I clung to my boyfriend, and he asked, "Was it a nightmare?"

I nod, the tears still coming strong, "I…I walked into the bathroom, and you were on the floor next to a razor with a cut on your stomach."

Bawling my eyes out was an understatement as I finished telling him about the nightmare. He whispered in my ear, "Shh, it's okay. I'm okay. Besides, I thought you said it felt good."

I freeze. You said it felt great, and it did. Pulling away, I stare him right in the eyes even in the dark, "No, it's the worst thing imaginable. Yeah, it feels good, but I wish I never ever did that to begin with. You don't know how much I regret it."

He doesn't say anything and I get up from the bed, walking to the balcony and looking out at the moon, "It's like…anytime something happens, all you can think about is how much you want the numbness, so you lie and say that you aren't hungry. Then, you get back to your room and get the razor you keep hidden because the last time you left it out, someone asked about it.

"You cut on you arms or stomach, being extra careful not to go too deep. If you don't go deep enough though, you don't get buzzed. If you go too deep, you won't be able to stop the blood and could get knocked out or bleed to death."

Kanda listened closely, giving me my space and I took a deep breath, "Then, the worst thing ever happens. You end up sharing a room with the sexiest man in the world, and you know you have to do it. You have to take out the frustration on your body. The people that moved your stuff never found the gauze you keep taped under the sink, so you can't that night and it drives you nuts. You can't redress the cuts you made too deep on your abs either, and it could get infected.

"So you pull on a turtleneck and walk back into the room. He's reading and you hope he won't notice that you were out of shampoo and had to use his. Of course, he did notice and told you not to use his stuff, and you lay down. You can't stay cool and when you roll onto your stomach, pain shoots through you from the cut.

"He asks why and you make an excuse and finally get to sleep. That's when you get another nightmare. The entire Order hates you because you have a crush on Yu Kanda, and they found out you cutting. He comes into the room laughing at you, and nearly kills you with his sword when you wake up. You're under him and you still are a little fuzzy and you put your hands up, trying to protect yourself.

"You can't sleep the rest of the night, and after shopping, you make a cut down your right shoulder as deep as possible with out hitting something. You're ecstatic after because this was the day had come that he finally kisses you. He finally acknowledges your very existence until his thumb runs over your cut.

"You're certain he hates you, that he will never touch you again. Then, you fall asleep in his bed crying, and you get another nightmare he has to wake you up from. After you eat, come back, sleep, get a nightmare, and you wake up in his arms.

"He beats you to the punch line, saying to forget about it and you run crying into the bathroom. You can't believe he's worried when he knocks on the door and rushes to your side. You give into his request of dating, even though you know it won't end well, and soon, you're on a mission with him.

"After the mission, he finds out about you cutting. He leaves and you know that he's not coming back. You don't have a reason left to live, and you hate yourself more than ever. So you walk into the bathroom and find the bottle of pills-"

I'm cut off as he gets up from the bed and presses our lips together, wrapping his arms around me. I let him carry me back to the bed and as he lies down next to me, he whispers, "And they lived happily ever after."

I shake my head, "No, there are always issues, but you learn to overcome them together."

He nods, and pulled the sheets over us as I curl up to him. I say, "Do you understand now?"

"No, I don't think I ever will, but I don't need to as long as you don't act on it anymore," he kisses my crown as he says the words, and I whisper my okay.

Author Note: Yay for love! Anyway, please, Please, PLEASE R/R and tell me what you think! I know that a few people didn't like the violence in the last chapter, but I don't plan on having anymore in the story.