Author Note: So far no one's guessed right, but you guys have until chapter 26! By the way, you have to choose one!
Me: Kanda, will you do the honors?
Kanda: No.
Me: Please?
Allen: Yeah, please, Kandy?
Kanda: Fine, Crowsnight doesn't own DGM or the characters, just the plot.
Me: Thank you, and on to chapter 25!
Situation
Chapter 25: Hidden Despair
It's been a couple of days since shopping, and Christmas was creeping up on me like a sneaky cat in the underbrush. Personally, I wanted it to come and go, but that just seemed to make it slower.
Acting and lying have always been natural things for me, but it was totally different when it was Kanda I was tricking. Since the night we had our fight, I've been trying to act like everything was normal, but the truth was that I wasn't even able to sleep most nights because of the nightmares. It would always be Kanda cutting, committing suicide, or me killing him. Some nights it was so bad, I would wake up Kanda just to make sure he was alive and unharmed.
I stare at the blue Christmas tree across the room, the colorful lights twinkling hypnotically. When I was little, I was terrified of the dark, so whenever the tree was up, every night I would get up in the middle of the night and sleep under it while the lights were on. Then, I would go back to my room at dawn after turning it off. One time, Mana found me and asked if I had a nightmare. He thought it was so cute, and slept in the floor next to me.
I listen to the breathing of the samurai beside me. As weird as it is, he was actually a heavy sleeper from midnight to dawn, though I don't think he would ever admit it. Our backs were together, and his warmth was like electricity sparking between us. I have a feeling that he didn't like the light while he slept, so lately he only faced the wall, despite me saying that I could turn off the tree. He never likes doing something that interferes with my happiness, and I guess that made me a little distraught. That night, he probably had the idea that my fists beating him half to death brought me joy. Well, it was the opposite.
Slipping out of the blankets, I stood up, careful not to wake my boyfriend softly snoring in his sleep, and pulled a pillow off the top bunk. Lately, I had been doing this to get away from Kanda, not wanting to worry him.
I push open the bathroom door, clutching the fluffy pillow in one hand and checking to make sure Kanda was still asleep even though the door squeaked, and continue into the large bathroom. Feeling around in the dark, I make it to the tub and step in.
It was more comfortable than most would think as long as I had a pillow under my head. I curled up into a tight ball, trying to leave the present. After seeing what a monster it had made me, I was never going to touch a razor again, except when I threw mine off the balcony.
Monster was an understatement of what I was that night. I didn't care that I was abusing the man I loved without a second thought. The nightmares were awful, but nothing can compare to the living world, and the hate bundled in me for myself. I wonder sometimes what Kanda was thinking that night.
I mean, he told me that it was okay as long as I wasn't hurting myself and that he loved me, but I feel like there was more. Was it the baby? Was he afraid that if he protected himself that it would injure the baby? I have a feeling that was it, that there was more to it than his love for me.
If he had ever hurt me like that, I would have left him without another thought. But then again, I could give him so many things like the baby and sex. I had more benefits.
When I had the nightmares, I wonder if that's what he felt when I did something to myself. Did he feel the sorrow of watching me beg for the numbness? Did he feel the hurt of not being enough to stop it? Did he feel the disgust of not being enough to stop it when he was right there? There were so many things that I felt when I had those nightmares, and I woke up screaming, but they were still nightmares. This is what Kanda had witnessed in reality.
He saved me from suicide, knocking the pills from my hands when I was taking the second. He read my journal about all the times I had cut, and then blamed himself for not noticing. He had gotten furious when he found out I cut and let me beat him carelessly. He had forgiven me for that. He had stayed with me when I was so repulsively moaning and writhing from the numbness the wound on my shoulder brought me while he cleaned it, and didn't look at me in disgust. He was still in there now, thinking I was asleep beside him, the father of my baby and the person I loved most in the world.
When I had the nightmares, I felt so weak, not being able to stop it. It nearly always was in third-person, so I could watch it happen like a surveillance camera before my body ran into the bathroom.
I bite my pillow as my mind is filled with the horrible images of my last nightmare.
Kanda sat down in the floor of the bathroom, tears streaming down his face. This wasn't the Kanda I knew. This was a different person, like a cloned body with a different mind altogether. He let his head fall back against the wall harshly, a blunt thud echoing off the plaster. I see him take a razor out of a cabinet beside him, and I scream, "No! Don't do it, Kanda!"
I couldn't hear the words I knew left my mouth, and I watched in horror as the blade touched his left forearm, completely and utterly useless to help. The metal sunk deeper into his flesh, causing a low moan to escape his lips. I couldn't help but think that if my eyes had been closed, I would have thought that someone was with him doing very perverted things. But no, that was a moan I knew too well. It used to come from me frequently.
Kanda pulls the blade back slowly, a deep wound about six inches long was left up his arm next to several other scars. The blood welled from the cut as he stared at it, something darkly twisted and awful appearing in his eyes. Satisfaction.
It was too late to stop him from the cutting when my body opened the door. Kanda looked up at the other me, his eyes dull and dead from the continued abuse to his body and soul.
I didn't like to think about the nightmares, but they never stayed away. I hated the weakness as I watched him run the blade along his skin. I knew that the expression he had in my nightmare was the way I looked so many times before, but it would be back to my face at some point.
It wasn't that I was going to cut again, but self-harm is something that scars your soul, not just your body. That numbness is like a drug that takes true effort to break the addiction from. I had a reason to stop. The baby, Kanda, and that monster that came out of me that I never wanted to see again.
I rolled onto my back, staring up at a ceiling and shower head I couldn't see. I guess I found something that Kanda and I have in common. He said he didn't understand why I cut. I never understood what made him so upset when I cut, but now I do.
There was something about watching the person you love more than anything hurt himself. There was something that changed inside you when you watched the blood pour from the wound. There was an abnormal darkness in the eyes of that person when he begs for the numbness, asking you to hurt him so he can feel sated in his own wicked way. Until now, I never saw it that way, and even now I've never witnessed it in reality.
Suddenly, I had an urge to curl up beside Kanda and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him that I understood now, that I never wanted to see him ever hurt himself like I did. Standing, I feel my way out of the tub, and I followed the soft light radiating from the tree in the bedroom.
When I rounded the corner and was out of the bathroom, Kanda was flat on his back staring up at the top bunk, his cobalt eyes intensely glaring at the victimized mattress above him. As I made my way to the bed, he turned the gaze to me and I froze like a deer in headlights, my arms clutching the pillow over my bare chest.
"Why have you been sneaking into the bathroom at night?" he asks, and when he blinks, his cobalt orbs go blank. I feel my breath hitch as I stand paralyzed no longer from his eyes, but the fact that he had been awake. The foolishness of my actions came to view in my mind, and I looked down, "Um…I thought you were asleep."
The bluenette continues to watch me as I shamefully refuse to make eye contact, "I figured that much, Moyashi."
I didn't reply, not even to the hated nickname. It was at that moment that it felt like the gravity had increased by five times, and my legs collapsed under me. It wasn't a hard fall when my knees buckled. One moment I was standing, and the next I was on my knees, still holding on to my pillow for dear life.
"Answer me," I heard. Normally at this point, Kanda would be holding me, asking if I was alright. Not this time though, because that would be giving in before he got a response. That wasn't allowed. I say, "I wasn't cutting, if that's what you think."
Even though I was still staring at the carpeted floor, I knew he immediately let go of the tension in his shoulders. I hear rustling of the blankets moving, and I figure he sat up as he asked, "Then what have you been doing?"
"I was uncomfortable in the bed," I lied. It was so unconvincing that I think the lie itself was hiding in misery, embarrassed at how pathetic it is. I risk a glance up at my boyfriend. He could try all he wanted, but I still could see the fire and anger in the dark depths, his body almost emanating fury. I shrink back and hide behind my bangs, terrified of him.
Though his eyes were only noticeable by someone who knew him like me, his voice wasn't, "Don't lie to me, Allen!"
I stutter, "I'm s-sorry." I didn't clarify that I was sorry that the lie was awful, not that I had lied. Guilt rarely existed in me, and that I was ashamed of. He replied, "If you're sorry then stop lying to begin with. Now, answer my question. Why have you been sneaking into the bathroom at night?"
"I-I've been having trouble sleeping and getting nightmares," I admit quietly. "I just didn't want…"
"Didn't what?"
"I didn't want to be with…you." The last word was nearly inaudible, but I knew he heard it when silence danced around the room. I felt like I should leave. I don't know where, but I didn't like the confession I had told him, especially because it probably hurt him. He wanted the answer though, and I gave it to him.
Lost and insecure, you found me. You found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me. You found me. I tended to play lyrics to songs in my head when I was frightened or nervous. This particular song couldn't really describe the situation as well since Kanda did find me lying on the floor, lost and insecure, but he didn't wait, and he wasn't too late. He was there.
When I glanced up again, expecting the worst, I saw the samurai lying back down facing the wall. I can't help but feel like he was ignoring me, and I hesitantly crawled toward the bed, leaving my pillow in the floor. Climbing onto the bed, I peer at his face, brushing away some loose hair from the lack of his ponytail. His eyes were closed, and I whispered, "Kanda?"
"I thought you didn't want to be around me?" he replied in a monotone voice, no emotion in the nine words. Hurt, I pulled away from him and after moving back to the floor next to the tree with my pillow, bring my knees to my chest. Luckily for me, I found that I could fit in the small corner behind the Christmas tree, and I curled up there where I felt safe.
I guess that I'll never feel as safe as I do with Kanda, but at the moment he kind of hated me. From the nights of insomnia, I eventually drifted into a restless sleep filled with nightmares and razors.
oO_Oo_oO_Oo
When my eyes fluttered open, the tree was unplugged and there was light from the balcony door flooding the small room. Obviously, I could only see bits and pieces of the room, that being the balcony and bathroom. Quickly, I wiggled out of the space, my neck and back aching from the uncomfortable sleeping position.
The bathroom door was barely even cracked, and I stepped in, finding Kanda brushing his hair and shirtless. I look at him through the mirror, unable to break his solid gaze. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see myself and the fear in my eyes like at any moment he was going to knock me out with his hairbrush. The bluenette returns to his hair, silence filling the air until I get the courage to break it, "I'm sorry about last night."
"Why? I was just staying away from you since that's what you wanted," he replied, not looking at me. I feel my heart drop to my stomach at his words as I say, "No! I didn't want that, I just didn't want you worrying."
He puts down his brush, finished with his hair, and he turns, leaning against the vanity. "Why would I worry?"
Kanda's gaze dug into me harshly, and I felt like there were holes that would be left behind as I reply, "The nightmares."
"What kind of nightmares?" he asked, continuing to hound me with his intense stare as I feel myself cracking under the pressure. I choke out, "You c-cutting. I can't stop you, and…and…."
The tears stream down my eyes as I dart to him, wanting to feel his arms around me. My hands are crossed over my chest as I sob into his, his arms wrapping around my small form. I cry, "I'm sorry!"
He tries to calm me, stroking my hair with one hand as he whispers, "What are you sorry for?"
"For cutting! For hurting you! For everything!" I shake violently in his arms, and eventually, he has to carry me to the bed. I say, "I understand why you were so upset when I would cut now."
He kisses my crown and replies, "I didn't want you to have to go through what it's like to witness it though."
"I won't ever hurt you or myself ever again, Kanda," I vow, not really replying to his other comment. I just wanted him to know I meant it this time. I meant it last time, too, but I didn't stay true to it, obviously.
"Good," he says to my hair. For the second time, I drift to sleep, but this time I'm in his arms where I should be.
Author Note: I won't have the next update until Monday so I wanted to get this out tonight to make up for that and the lack of update the last few days. Keep guessing my grade, one vote per person, but if you chose two or more last time you can choose one. I think everyone will like the next chapter, and please, Please, PLEASE R/R! You Found Me- The Fray.