That Awkward Moment when your grandmother reads through your reviews.

Situation

Chapter 42: The Nightmares Return

"Kanda, where are you going?" I ask, sitting on the bed happily next to Ice. Even though he was at the door, it was obvious that his jaw clenched, and he said, "I know what you did! Don't play dumb with me. I saw the bloody gauze!"

Shaking my head, I say, "I didn't, though! I haven't cut for months!"

Then, I feel the stickiness between my fingers, and when I look down, blood oozes from dozens of cuts marring my arms. Watching in horror at the crimson liquid, I scream, "No, I didn't do it! I didn't do it!"

"I didn't do it!" I gasp as I bolt straight up, looking around and at my arms. They were scarred, but not bleeding. Looking at Kanda as he slept perfectly sound, I whisper, "It was just a dream."

Careful not to wake my boyfriend, I crawl out of the bed, glancing at the clock that read six in the morning, and I walk to the door. No one would be up yet, so I should just get a drink and go back to bed. Slipping out of our bedroom, I quietly closed the door and began to walk around the bar in the dark towards the light switch.

Feeling around the wall, I finally find it and flip it on, light bathing the room, and I turn around, finding Lavi sitting at the bar.

"Lavi!" I yelp, laying a hand over my chest to calm my racing heart. "You scared me!"

"Heh, sorry," he says, his arms crossed over the bar as I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass from the cabinet, filling it with water from the sink and taking a sip. Swallowing the water, I ask, "So why are you up?"

"As Bookman Junior, my body is trained to wake up about a half-hour before the sun rises. It's a gift and a curse. What about you?" he asks as I put an arm on the cold granite, a chill running through my shirtless body though I overpower it.

"Can't sleep," I mutter, taking another drink and emptying the glass before placing it in the sink. Silence fills the air, which I thought was really weird since Lavi is usually quite talkative, but then I realize the redhead was staring at me, or more correctly, my scars. Covering my chest with my arms, I duck my head and begin walking as fast as possible to the bedroom, "I'm sorry. I'll go put on a shirt."

A hand grabs my shoulder, "Allen, wait."

Tears blur my vision as I look back at him, his face a blob of red, green, black, and cream, and I say, "I-it's fine. I mean, it doesn't b-bother me."

"Yes, it does. Don't lie," he tells me, leading me to the couch, and we sit together. Even though he said it was fine, I still take the quilt from the end of the couch and wrap it around my shoulders, "You hadn't seen them yet, had you? I mean, the ultrasound didn't show hardly a third of them."

Lavi doesn't reply for a moment, but after a minute he shakes his head, "No, I hadn't. I just…can't believe I didn't realize that it was going on."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. I already had this conversation with Lenalee and Kanda," I say, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Standing, he walks to the balcony door, looking out at the dawn sky, and I see his jaw clench and relax several times before he asks, "Why was I the last to know? Do you not trust me?"

Shaking my head, I say, "That's not it, Lavi! I trust you with my life, but I never told anyone really. Um, did Kanda tell you about the…the, um…."

"What? Tell me about what?" he asked, looking back at me. Uncomfortable with the situation, I whisper so low I wonder if he could even hear me, "The suicide."

With his back to the glass, Lavi slowly sinks down to the floor with his head in his hands, "Oh gosh, Allen."

"I know, I'm sorry," I say. "The first time was when I was in a fight with Lenalee, and I didn't take enough sleeping pills. The second I was in bed with Kanda and I took off my shirt without thinking. He left and I thought that he hated me, so I…he saved me."

"When was that?" Lavi asked his thighs.

Tightening the blanket around me, I answer, "It was the night I got pregnant."

"How did Lenalee find out?"

"Kanda and my own stupidity. We were talking about it while she was in the room before Lenalee and Allena went shopping," I reply. After a moment, Lavi stands again and sits beside me, pulling me close to him and holding me, "Who else knows?"

"Fou and Foxy, but no one else I don't think," I say, nuzzling close to him like he was Kanda almost. A few seconds of silence follow before he asks, "Cross doesn't know?"

Looking up at him, I find him gazing at me, confusion in his emerald orb, and I can see my own bewilderment reflected back at me as well as I say, "No, why would he? Why the heck would I want Master to know? You think I need another reason for him to insult me?"

"So you don't know?" Lavi asks, pulling away to look at me.

"What don't I know?" I pull the blanket tighter around me as Lavi shakes his head, "No, I can't tell you. Cross may not want you to know, but the next time you see him, tell him. Tell him you were a cutter."

Shaking my head, I say, "But I don't understand."

"Don't worry about it," Lavi says, standing and going down the hall. "Just go back to sleep."

"Lavi!"

"Goodnight slash morning."

After that, I hear a door shut, and quietly, I slip out of the blanket and into Kanda and my bed, happy that it was still warm from Kanda's body lying there. As I snuggle down into the covers, I scoot as close as I can to my boyfriend without waking him, and just as I'm closing my eyes, I feel a hand on my neck. A soft noise escapes his lips as he wraps his arms around me, pressing me flush against him, and he whispers, "All…en…."

Opening my eyes, I look up through my bangs to see if he was still asleep. Yep, as I said, he sleeps like a human rock sometimes, but that didn't mean that I don't think he was aware that he said my name. The difference is that he said it in his dreamland, whatever that may be.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"The mountains are so beautiful, aren't they, Allen?" Lenalee says from beside me as she watches out the window of the Focus. Nodding, I look out my own window at the fog of the early afternoon since we got another heavy rain last night at some point, "Yeah, absolutely gorgeous."

It was about eleven at this point, but since I didn't get much sleep last night, the scenery and soft talking of my friends was trying to lull me to dreamland. Well, Kanda was driving and I was sitting behind him, and Lavi was in the passenger seat, so it was more of a conversation between Lavi and Lenalee. But for some reason, I just couldn't shake…the drowsiness….

"Why did you come back?" Kanda asked from the bed as I sit on my knees in the floor, my head hanging in misery. Quietly, I say, "I wanted you to forgive me. Please, forgive me, Kanda!"

Sharp pain blooms in my left cheek, and I fall to my side, tears bursting free of their restraints. Kanda's voice booms, "Fool! Why would I do such a thing?!"

Digging my nails into my already bloody arms, I beg, "Please? Please!"

Faintly, I hear the sound of metal against its case, and right over my heart, I feel the tip of Mugen begin to use my skin as its new sheath. I scream. I scream at the top of my lungs for help, but none comes as the pain spreads through my body, and I screech until my throat is raw. Indistinctly, as if it was in the distance, I hear my name in three different voices.

"Allen! Allen, wake up!"

When my eyes open, I gasp before moaning when I regain feeling, or more precisely, feel the loss of feeling. My wrist felt incredible, and as I tilt my head back, I forget what had happened.

"What's happening to him?! Kanda, what did you do!?" a feminine voice squeals in worry. My eyes begin to focus as the numbness fades, and I become aware of those around me. The car wasn't moving and the door beside me was open. Lavi was standing outside it, and Lenalee was crying in the seat next to me. But over all this, the first thing I had noticed was that Kanda was straddling me, and tears were streaming down his face. Confused, I ask, "What's wrong? What happened?"

"You were screaming and we couldn't wake you up," Lenalee sobbed quietly. From where Kanda was, he shook his head and cried, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Allen! I didn't know what else to do, and I panicked."

Fully attentive now because my boyfriend was crying, I ask, "Whatever it is, it's not your fault, Kanda!"

"Yes, it is," he whispers as he holds up my right wrist, four, relatively deep crescents engraved in the skin there and oozing blood, and I notice his fingernails on his left hand are tainted crimson. "I'm such an idiot."

"Kanda! Why the heck did you hurt him for!?" Lenalee demanded before she burst into tears again. The door on her side is opened, and she's helped out as Lavi soothes, "It's okay, Lenalee. It's all going to be fine."

I realize that there's a forest off a small bank, and as Lenalee and Lavi begin walking down the road and settle at the other end of the side parking area, I ask, "Do you want to sit in the woods for a while?"

Moving off me, Kanda nods and walks around the car to the woods, shutting the right side door on his way. Quickly following, I shut my door as I run to catch up, and it doesn't take long to spot Kanda sitting with his back to me on a huge, overhang-style rock. Leaves crunched under my boots as I walk over to where he sat, sitting with my legs hanging off the edge next to him.

The forest was full of oak and maple trees, all towering over us and swaying slightly in the breeze, and in the distance, I could make out mountains. Silence fell over us in the exception of the peaceful birdsong, and I knew that it was on my shoulders to break it. Taking his right hand in my left, I say, "You know that I don't care about it, Kanda."

"You should though. I…I cut you, Allen. After I got so upset and mad at you that night for hurting yourself, I scratched you until you bled," he whispered in repulsion, more tears falling from his dark eyes.

"I was having the worst nightmare I've ever had, and I don't know what I would have done to wake myself up if you hadn't," I say, squeezing his hand tighter. He gives me a horrified look, "What do you mean?"

Intertwining our fingers, I explain, "When I was cutting on a regular basis, sometimes I would get nightmares I just couldn't wake up from. I would feel the pain of dying over and over and over, but I couldn't wake up no matter how much I wanted to. That's why I have the tendency to talk, scream, and thrash in my sleep during a nightmare because my body started reacting on instinct, and I would cut myself while I was still asleep until I woke up. One time, I broke a vase and used pieces of it. Heck, there're probably still bits of porcelain in my skin in places, and if I hadn't woken up when I had, I might have bled out."

"So you're trying to convince me that I helped you?" he asked, spitting out the words like they were poison. I nod, "Yeah. Which do you think would give Lenalee more psychological damage: you cutting me a little, or me thrashing around, scratching myself as much as possible and banging my head on the window?"

Not replying to the question, he changes the topic, "There're bandages in the car. I'll wrap your arm."

As we get back to the car, Lenalee and Lavi are already waiting in the car, and while Kanda gets the first aid kit, I ask, "Are you sure you want to do it? I can do it."

"I did this to you, so it's my responsibility, regardless of how painful it is," he says as he cleans the blood with a wet wipe. Even the tiniest amount of pressure makes me moan quietly since it had been so long since I had felt the numbness, and my body was extra-sensitive due to it. The bandage goes on shortly after, and as Kanda shuts the trunk and begins towards the driver's seat, I grab his wrist and pull him back.

"I know that you think that you did something awful, but thank you, Kanda," I tell him, standing on my tiptoes to give him a soft kiss on the lips. When I pull away, he whispers, "I don't know how you can do that. I disgust myself."

Before I can say anything, he opens the driver's side door and slips in, and I do the same a moment later, only in the backseat. As soon as I've got the door closed, the car starts moving relatively fast compared to earlier, and Lenalee asks, "Are you okay now, Allen?"

"Yeah, it was just a nightmare," I say, pulling my sleeves down over my thumbs.

"It seemed like it was more than a nightmare," she said, looking down at her hands. Shaking my head, I reply, "No, I'm used to it, no matter how horrible they are."

From in front of me, Kanda says, "He used to get them every night when he was cutting, but they stopped after I found out. Then, they came back even worse. I thought they had left permanently, but I guess not."

"Oh," Lenalee whispered, and I'm extremely grateful that she didn't ask what they were about since I might burst out into tears, and Kanda wouldn't hesitate to tell her.

After that, we went out to Cici's Pizza and not long after that, Lenalee and Lavi left for the Order, and the rabbit told Kanda that the two of them were going on a mission to Mongolia Sunday morning.

Curled up in the blankets, I lay next to a reading Kanda, refusing to sleep for fear of having a nightmare. I'm not sure which scared me more: the nightmare itself, or Kanda's reaction.

Lately, I had been thinking about what Lavi said, and what Cross would, or wouldn't, want me to know. Whatever it is, I want to know, but at the same time, I don't want Master knowing how weak I am. Lavi is a Bookman Junior though, so he knows more than I do, and if it was Bookman, I wouldn't hesitate to say something to my Master. Whimpering in confusion, I tug on Kanda's shirt a little and ask, "Kanda?"

"What?" he answers, dog-earing the page and setting the closed book on the nightstand before looking down at me. Nuzzling closer to his hip and throwing an arm over his waist, I continue, "If Lavi told you to do something, like seriously told you to do something, would you do it?"

Confusion laced his voice as he replied, "Yeah, if he wasn't acting stupid. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, I was just wondering," I say as I tighten my grip on him like he would run away if I didn't.

"Baka Moyashi," he says lovingly, running his hand through my hair. A smile spreads over my face at the nickname I used to hate so much, but now it made me feel happy, which is something I needed.

Author Note: As always, please, Please, PLEASE R/R!