That Awkward Moment when you're trying to convince your art teacher to let you do a really complicated Yullen picture on a pillow and everyone in class hears you say that you'll sleep with it every night.
Situation
Chapter 44: Words I Thought You'd Never Say
It had been almost a week now since the incident with Sekushi in the hall, and personally, I hadn't been giving it much thought. When I went to dinner, Lavi and Lenalee were there eating, but when I asked about Kanda, they said that he'd talked to some female finder and then stormed off towards our room.
Opening the door, I find Kanda lying on the bed, reading a new book, and I hop on the bed next him, "Hi, Kandy! How'd the mission go?"
He doesn't reply or look away from his book, and I ask, "Kanda?"
Nothing. Prodding his shoulder, I press, "Did something happen?"
"You tell me," he growls, anger illuminating his cobalt eyes as he death glares his book.
"Nothing happened here. It's just been a normal week," I say, sitting cross-legged next to him. The book was probably on the verge of bursting into flames as he casually says, "Really? I figured that it would have been awesome since you sure won't lonely in Sekushi's bed."
Freezing, I stutter, "W-what do you m-m-mean? W-we didn't d-do anything, I swear!"
"Then why are you stuttering?" he asks, turning that burning glare he had to me as I fall off the bed to my back, pain jarring me slightly. Shaking my head even though he couldn't see me, I explain, "He was drunk, and pinned me to the wall. Then, he kissed me, but I bit his tongue and ran. Nothing more happened!"
Rustling told me that Kanda was moving as he grumbled, "That's not what the finder I talked to said."
"Are you really going to believe some finder over me?" I ask, hurt leaking into my voice. His deep voice sounds, "I figured that if it was nothing that you'd tell me, and since you didn't, I can only assume that you were hiding it."
Curling up in the floor, I let the tears come willingly as I protest, "I didn't cheat on you, I swear! Please, believe me!"
"Whatever," Kanda growls as he stands from the bed and walks out the door, a clatter telling me he took Mugen and the slam saying he was ready to skewer someone if they said anything to him. It truly was great timing to be hit with chills as I scurry into the bed, wrapping the blankets around my shivering body, and the cold tears wetting the pillow didn't help anything either.
Why? Why do things like this happen? Never in a million years would I think about cheating on Kanda, or anyone for that matter, but that didn't stop him from thinking I did. In my mind, I always thought that Kanda was overprotective and possessive, and if anything like this happened, he'd just seriously injure the person that tried hitting on me. That didn't bother me at all since I was really disgusted, and it's not like I wanted that to happen, but then some finder tells Kanda that I slept with Sekushi!
Trying not to close my eyes, I pray that Kanda will come back and that I won't fall asleep. It was hard enough as it is not to get a razor and cut myself, but if I got a nightmare as bad as the ones I've had, I'd break without a doubt. The baby didn't deserve this treatment, but it can't hurt her, right? It can only hurt me, and even then, it's not really hurting me, just making me feel numb.
"Kanda…" I whisper softly as I fight sleep, but still can't make it leave.
When I wake up, I'm beside Kanda in bed, both of us naked. Not that it bothered me since this is what I wanted. Pulling back the blankets to give him a quick kiss, I jump back, horrified that the man I had just slept with had dirty blond hair and matching eyes.
"What the heck?!" I hear from the door, turning to see Kanda lividly looking between us. Hopping up, I run to him, wanting to feel his arms around me, but as soon as I touch him, he swats me away, watching angrily as I fall to the floor with a thud. Tears welling in my eyes, I cry, "Kanda, I didn't mean to! Really, I'm sorry!"
"Doesn't matter, you've already betrayed me," he growls, turning away as I lay in the floor.
"Wake up, Allen," a voice says, jerking me harshly. Opening my eyes, I realize it's Kanda and I pull him down beside me, trying to curl up to him. Obviously ticked, he demands, "Get off me!"
Saddened immediately, I pull away, my smile fading along with my happiness, and Kanda continues, annoyed, "Are you ever going to get up?"
Looking up at his guarded gaze, I whimper, "Why?"
"You're in my bed if you hadn't noticed," he explains, his voice eating away at the barriers holding in my tears. "I would like to actually sleep tonight."
As he moves off the bed, I follow quickly just for him to lay back down, and I notice that it was almost nine. After he's comfortable, he snags a novel from the nightstand, opening it before saying irritably, "Stop staring at me, Moyashi."
"You're going to make me sleep alone when you know I'll wake up screaming?" I whisper, looking at the floor. Not sparing me a glance, he growls, "Why would I care? It's not like we're dating anymore. I don't care what you do."
Working every bit of courage I had to not cry and rebel against him, I challenge, "So you wouldn't care if I cut myself? What if I did it in here, in front of you?"
Clenching his jaw, he says, "Like I said, deaf Moyashi, I don't care what you do as long as it doesn't hurt the baby."
Translation: He needed an excuse to keep me from cutting myself. Just because he hated me now didn't mean he didn't care if I cut myself. Before I turn to go into the bathroom, I tell him, "You know what Kanda? I don't care about my body or what I do to it. Wait, you do know that. I'm pretty sure that you also know that this hurt me more than anything you've ever done. So don't be surprised if you find me dead in the bathroom floor after the baby's born. Just letting you know, not that you care, right?"
Just as I'm about to close the door with my arms full of clean clothes, Kanda says, "Go ahead and cut yourself. See if I care."
As he says this, I don't miss his white knuckles clamped down on his book, or the slight shimmer of unshed tears and repulsiveness in his dark eyes.
"Okay, will do!" I say cheerfully, giving him the biggest plastic smile I could pull off. As the door closes, I can feel his terrified gaze boring into the wood, probably since he hates himself for saying those things. Deep in my heart, I know he didn't mean a word of it, but the fact that he could let it come out of his mouth so easily must mean that some part of him doesn't care.
My iPod blares "Last Resort" by Papa Roach as I finish washing my body and clog the drain, sinking down into the bath water that was steaming around me. Staring at my raised stomach, I say, "Your daddy is mad at me, baby girl. By the time you see him for the first time, I think he might hate me, but I don't want you to feel the same feelings I have through my life. You see, when I was a baby, my parents left me out on the streets in the middle of December, Christmas actually, and then your grandpa Mana found me. Not long after that, he was killed by a car, and Cross found me. While I was with him, I was always fending for myself and if I didn't take care of myself, I wouldn't have been able to live this long.
"Your daddy was the only one who hadn't abandoned me until now, but I've gotten used to it. Some people are born to be unloved, but not you. Even if you daddy never does anything with you because I'm your dad, too, I'll always love you, and Lenalee and I will teach you all the girly things. Well, I'll teach you about clothes and stuff. She can handle the 'talk'. Uncle Lavi will give you lessons and be your teacher for anything school related, and Aunt Fou will teach you how to fight using your power."
Everything would have been perfect if she wasn't one of those kids whose parents hated each other. No, that wasn't quite right. Kanda hates me, but I'll never hate him. It's impossible for me to hate anyone, regardless of what they've done to me. So maybe I did hate the Millennium Earl and the Noah, except Road since she actually has helped me before, but other than them, I don't hate anyone, not even the finder that told Kanda I was cheating on him. At some point, it was going to happen anyways.
Live like it's an anime.
The person who made the shirt I have that says that must have had an easy life. For me, living in an anime would work perfectly, but no one can escape the real world. The real world was filled with pain, death, and blood, but that didn't bother me.
Just one cut, I tell myself as I stand from the water and drain the tub. One little cut won't hurt anything. How much damage could that do?
So I do. The extra razor I had kept because that part of me wasn't dead yet was taped under the vanity, and I run it across my right forearm. No one had to know. After the cut was bandaged and the razor was clean and hidden, I pull on a turtleneck and walk into the bedroom. The moon was full tonight and it gleamed beautifully in the night sky, stars twinkling throughout the black ocean as they swam in the endless abyss.
All the lights were out, but even so, I still knew that Kanda was awake and watching me as I stood there, his eyes reflecting the moonlight like a cat's. After a moment, he growled, "The bed is above me if you forgot."
"I didn't forget, moron!" I snap, leaping up to my old bed quickly and settling down. "Just because you're a heartless jerk doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me!"
Silence fills the air as I leave my eyes wide open for as long as I can. Waking up just brings me down, down. Cause every morning, you are nowhere to be found, nowhere to be found. And my bed is half empty, not half full. I'd rather live with broken bones than lay here all on my own, like a lovesick fool.
The words of the song lull me to sleep against my will, and I find myself in the nightmarish pit-hole called my mind.
As I sit up in a strange forest, I glance around. I sat in a small clearing surrounded by towering willow trees, their tresses glowing an eerie blue as the wind swayed them. The grass beneath me was abnormally soft as I stare at the forming image of tiny particles. The girl made of the specks seemed to shine, her black hair in an exotic French braid with wolf ears perked and her eyes gleaming a sparkling green. She seemed familiar somehow, but I just couldn't place it as she stood before me, her white skirt and long-sleeved shirt seeming to hang off her body.
Then, she begins to sing four lines, her voice silky smooth like the lush fur on her tail, "Little one, has he broken your heart? Reputation warned you from the start. Now go to the person that they call Cross, and read the diaries of the one he lost."
The one he lost? I wonder before it hits me. As the image of Kurohana begins to dissipate, I ask, "Why are you helping me?"
The particles dispersed quickly, but not before I heard the last of her words.
"Few like the repetition of history, but for now, it will remain a mystery."
Gasping, I bolt up from my bed, the top of the sun barely breaking the horizon. As I hop off the bed, it doesn't surprise me that Kanda and Mugen were missing from the room, but I didn't notice as much as I could have as I run around like a dimwit putting on clothes before darting to breakfast. Jerry had just opened the kitchen and was more than happy to cook me a gigantic breakfast. Besides, when it's Jerry's cooking, healthy food can be delicious. Yummy!
Thirty minutes later, I'm in front of Master's door, knocking and calling, "Master, open up! It's me!"
"I know it's you, idiotic pupil. No one else is dumb enough to knock on my door at seven in the morning," the redhead grumbles as he opens the door, stepping aside to let me in. Standing in the middle of the room, I glance around to see if there was anything that looked like a girl's journal, but nothing speaks to me, as in, there are zero books in this room. Plopping down on his bed, Cross grumpily asks, "So what do you want?"
"Well, I had a dream last night…" I begin, not sure if he'd believe that it was really Kurohana that visited me.
"Yeah, and so did Martin Luther King Jr. What's your point?"
Glancing at the ground, I say, "I saw Kurohana. I swear I did, and she said that I needed to read her diaries."
Looking to actually be considering it, he asked, "If it really was her, I'll be able to tell. What did she say?"
"Um, it was something like, 'Little one, has he broken your heart? Reputation warned you from the start. Now go to the person that they call Cross, and read the diaries of the one he lost.'" I recite, hoping I got it right.
He nods, "That was her, all right. She used to love speaking in rhymes."
Standing from the bed, he gets on his knees and sticks his hand under the bed, bringing it back out a moment later with four, black notebooks, each probably with two-hundred pages in them. Straightening, Cross hands the notebooks to me, "Here, you can keep them. I've already nearly memorized each one of them. Probably good to let go of the past anyways."
Holding them to my chest, I promise, "I'll take good care of them, Master Cross."
Oo_oO_Oo_oO
I wasn't sure what to expect in the journals, but as I sat down with them in my bed, I take a deep breath and tell Something Mana Walker, "Here we go, baby girl. I have a feeling that Kurohana had great intuition, so maybe she wrote something on how to get your boyfriend to love you again."
Not really sure what I was waiting for, I open the cover of the one dated the earliest.
Author Note: Oh how I adore cliffhangers! *As always, I duck as various items are thrown towards my head.* Hey, one of these times you all are going to give me a concussion, and I won't be the one waiting for the next chapter! Haha, if you hate cliffhangers, please, Please, PLEASE R/R! Lovesick Fool- The Cab. Chapter 39: Endlessly- The Cab.