bilaterus: Well, the days certainly seem to have gotten away from us, haven't they?
Blythehasfreckles: Yes, yes they have. *raises hand* guilty. Sorry, guys. The lateness of this update is all my fault! We hope you like it anyway!
Evil readers, let me tell you why sauerkraut shouldn't exist.
Actually, before I talk about fermented cabbage, I'll let you in on my unpleasant little experience that involved eating it. You see, I went back to that little diner across the street and had that garden pizza I so aspired to eat and it was - as I expected - a slice of heaven. (And as one would've guessed, the garden salad pizza turned out to be just as much salad as it was pizza! Who knew?) Then I was going across the street to return to my building when I saw a sample stand that wasn't there before. It was giving out small portions of authentic German foods to people on the street.
Now, since Gimmelshtump is relatively close to Germany, I figured, "oh, they'll probably have some really nice bratwurst samples or garlic potato pancakes with applesauce or something. It'll be the perfect way to top off the terrific meal I just had!" I mean, it had two things I find simply delightful - samples that are free, and German food. When you see a sample stand in the supermarket, you can't NOT take a sample. It's free food! It's a bite-sized snack - free of charge! You'd have to be inhuman not to partake, really.
But as hard as it is to believe, I was wrong about the German cuisine. I know, I can hardly believe it myself! The little German lady at the sample stand insisted that I tried her recipe for sauerkraut, so I did, assuming it would taste better than it smelled. Plus, I didn't wanna be rude. I mean, she was so excited about it! I may be evil, but I'm not rude... Anyway, it not only tasted foul, but it completely ruined the pleasant taste of garden salad pizza! Believe me when I say this, evil readers: never eat sauerkraut from strange German ladies on street corners. That's a bad idea if I've ever heard one!
In fact, don't ever eat sauerkraut ever. It's pickled cabbage; a lacto-fermented vegetable. You aren't missing out on much. It's an evil, taste-ruining food. And not the good kind of evil - the bad kind of evil. The uncool kind of evil.
Anyway, I'm guessing you all are interested in reading my update now. I decided to make this one a little different from the other two! I'm "mixin' it up," as the kids say! But don't you worry - it'll be just as evil and despicable as the two before it!
Candace was Phineas and Ferb's older sister, but unlike them she was terrible at being evil! In fact, she was jealous of how evil her brothers were. Every day, she either tried to sabotage her brothers' evil inventions or she tried to do something evil in order to outdo her brothers, and she would then show what she had done to their mom, Blinda. Candace was always trying to win her mother's love which was inextricably linked to evil, but her brothers were experts from the start, and Blinda much preferred the younger brothers and spent all her time on them.
You know, I really empathise with this 'Candace' character! I too know the deep and emotionally scarring pain that arises when your own mother loves your younger brother and rejects you. Well, perhaps it'll make a good backstory for when she grows up and hatches true evil schemes of her own!
Today, Candace tried to think of something evil to do. "I know! I'll make something truly evil, like I saw on TV that time!" she said to herself out loud, even though nobody else was there.
After most of the afternoon, she had succeeded in making the evil thing she wanted to make. Later on in the day, she took what she had made to her mom.
"But Doof," I hear you ask. "You've not told us what Candace has made!" Well evil readers, I've done that deliberately! It adds to the suspense, doesn't it? You just have to know what it is!
Ok evil viewers, keep reading, the answer is coming soon!
"What is it Candace? I'm very busy right now thinking about how extremely proud the boys make me," Blinda said, annoyed by Candace's interruptions.
"Look mom! I made something truly evil!" she said excitedly.
Keep reading...
Blinda looked at the thing Candace had made, which was in a dish she was holding in her hands.
The suspense is building...
"You made..."
It's reaching its climax...!
"... A cake?"
Ahah! I bet you weren't expecting that, evil readers! Up to then the suspense was pretty good, right? Eh? Ehhhh?
"Yeah mom, I've made an evil cake. Like on that TV show, "Grilling, Stewing and Evil-Doing?" The cake was round and pink, and had taken Candace most of the afternoon to make. She had hoped that her mom would congratulate her and declare that she was proud of her, but unfortunately all her mom did was look a bit disappointed.
"What makes you think it's evil, exactly, Candace?" Blinda asked, frowning.
Candace had tried to disguise the cake so it didn't look very evil, but she had made the cake so that it was really evil on the inside.
"Look, it's got sugar! Loads of it. I made it extra sweet!" Candace said excitedly. "If someone eats too much they'll get a toothache. Eventually all their teeth will rot and fall out!" She had thought of this all on her own back when she was making the cake. At the time, it had seemed really evil to her!
"Oh Candace," Blinda sighed.
"What are you doing?" Vanessa asked from behind me. "And why are you typing what I'm saying?"
"Vanessa!" I exclaim.
Eheh, sorry about that, evil viewers. Vanessa crept up behind me! One minute I was absorbed in my evil writing, and the next minute the laptop power cord was pulled out! I must have pulled it out in my haste, to stop Vanessa from seeing what was on the screen!
"I- I was, er, doing some evil... online grocery shopping?"
I had to come up with that pretty fast. I don't want my baby girl to think that her father writes fan fiction for some childish TV show. I'll never be able to look her in the eye again. I may be evil but I still have my dignity!
Anyway, it turns out that she couldn't sleep, and had come up to get herself a glass of warm milk.
"I'll make it for you, sis!" Norm said, cheerfully. I forget how loud he is sometimes. Even though it's so late at night, he still talks as if he's trying to be heard over a room full of crying babies. Ok, I don't know what that sounds like, but it's pretty loud I can tell you that!
Anyway, Vanessa had shrugged. "Thanks Norm. And dad, I don't know why you keep the fridge all the way up here. You spend way too much of your time in this place."
Come to think of it, I don't actually remember how I managed to move my refrigerator up to the penthouse...or why. Looking at it, you wouldn't think it belonged to an evil scientist. It looks like a regular household refrigerator; it's got pictures of Vanessa and a little dry-erase board for writing little reminders and little alphabet magnets from when Vanessa was learning how to spell... Oh, and it makes this really strange and terrifying sound when it kicks on! It sounds like this:
HEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeNNNnnnnn. (If you could hear me, I would do a better impression.)
It comes out of nowhere! Now imagine hearing that sound when you're all alone evilly inventing on limited sleep! It scares the pants off me!
Eh...I don't remember what I was saying originally...
Sorry about that evil readers. I don't know why I even wrote all this! You can remove it from your minds, as if you never saw it. I, er, can't exactly find the backspace on this keyboard... Evil Note: never again buy a computer from a garage sale. Hm, that reminds me of one time when...
Look how far off-topic I am! Evil Note: never write at 3:30 in the morning. Evil never rests, but I still need to sleep! I don't want a repeat of the last time I stayed up late...
Argh! Dummkopf! Ok, let me get back to the story!
Hm, this is frustrating. When I pulled out the power plug, it must have not saved my progress... And I've forgotten what I had just written. Great. Let me start again from that last save point.
"... What makes you think it's evil exactly Candace?" Blinda asked, frowning.
"See mom, it looks like an ordinary doonkleberry cake, but really, on the inside... it's chocolate!"
"Oh Candace," said Blinda, sighing.
"No no, it's really evil! When someone bites into it, they think they're going to get a doonkleberry flavour but really they get the taste of chocolate instead! Then they might think they've gone crazy, and they would have to be taken to the hospital for a checkup, which throws off their plans for the day! It's deceptive AND mildly inconvenient! C'mon mom, that's evil, right?"
Her mom sighed. "You need to watch more of the all-powerful Emperor Doofenshmirtz's evil telethons," Blinda instructed. "Maybe you could actually learn a thing or two about supreme evil. After all, our Supreme Overlord is extremely talented at evil. If he can't teach you, there is no hope! He's got all power in the Tri-State Area, after all. Pay more attention to his evil ways."
"B-b-b-b-but..." Candace sighed sadly, "yes, mother."
"Now, back to what I was doing," her mom said, sighing and turning away from her daughter. "Oh those boys of mine make me so proud!"
Candace trudged away dejectedly as her mom continued to heap praise on her brothers. She hung her head, thinking to herself, "Those boys always take all the credit! I try so hard to be evil and those boys always have to ruin it and do something even better! I know I can be evil if mom would only notice it like she notices the boys!"
Suddenly, she hatched an evil plan.
"Maybe I need to find a way to make them appear LESS evil! Yeah! Then Mom will be disappointed in them and I'll be the one she's proud of! It's perfect!"
With her new evil plan, Candace immediately began brainstorming her next plan of action; to sabotage! She looked out the window and watched as her brothers worked on a strange new evil invention, all the while thinking:
"Hmmm... They are so busted."
Hey, wait a second, I just realised! It DID save my previous work! Ugh, dummkopf! Now it doesn't make sense at all!
"Norm! Make me a hot drink!" I say.
"What kind, sir?" he asked, again in that booming voice of his. It's making my headache worse! I need to build him an inside voice, one that won't cause the neighbours to complain about why I'm 'playing loud music late at night' whenever he speaks.
"Anything!" I shout irritably. "I just need something to keep me awake while I finish my evil writing!"
"Coming right up, sir!"
He gives me the drink and I take a sip as I search through some other fan fiction, looking for ideas for the next part of my story.
Hey, this tastes pretty good- wait a minute, this is warm milk! This is the opposite of what I want! I wanted something that'll wake me up, not something that'll make me sleep!
Actually I don't think warm milk really makes you more tired, though. Is that even possible? I mean, as I'm drinking it now it's quite relaxing. Vanessa seems to have it a lot at night. Babies do too. I wonder if all the milk is the reason they sleep a lot? Or maybe it's the reason they cry a lot? Who came up with the theory that warm milk makes a person sleepy anyway?
I'm doing it again, I'm just *yawn* writing what I'm thinking or what's happening in real life, instead of *yawn* writing the story. I'm even writing my yawning down...
I think I might *yawn* fall asleep at any moment. Wow, this warm milk really *yawn* works after a while...
This keyboard looks so comfortable...
Zzzxdnvbhfdxcjn jncvkfvbdjf fdvjnbsggfbbbbbb bbb bbb
Wait! What? What happened?!
Oh, I fell asleep and nearly forgot to reply to you evil reviewers! *Yawn* I'm still very tired, so I'll have to reply and then go back to bed... it's already early in the morning, but if I don't sleep a little longer I'll have no chance at my evil scheme tomorrow!
Ok, here goes...
To Kat: You doubt my ability to take over the Tri-State Area? That's so hurtful! Ok, it's true that Perry the Platypus always thwarts my evil plans, but one day my evil scheme will succeed!
To BlueLightningXD: I think I mentioned in the previous chapter that I was - at one point - a cow, but I assure you I'm not anymore. Come to think of it, I've been many animals... I was even a platypus once, truth be told! I gotta say- it wasn't so bad! You would think that the webbed feet thing would've hindered several of my usual motor skills, but it didn't, really! Being a cow, though - THAT was unfortunate. I mean, what can you do with hooves?
Yes, my posterior still hurts from yesterday's Inator thwarting. He literally kicked me directly in the behind, so I guess that statement's somewhat true. What does **** mean? Is that internet speak? I'll take that as a compliment! Thank you! **** you, too!
Wait, what's a flamer?
bilaterus: Your review really made us laugh :D
Blythe: I'm still laughing XD
bilaterus: we're glad you like it really!
To Ayahsad: I'm glad you liked it. You made a typo, though. I think you meant penc- OHH, it's a pun on the word 'pun' itself! I get it now! I'm so slow because of how tired I am... Anyway, Perhaps one day after I take over the Tri-State Area you'll work under me as a loyal subject!
To celebi4ever: I have resentment and hate for a lot of things, even some that people may consider irrational and weird. Like 'instruments that start with the letter b' (Well, actually there's a whole backstory that goes with that one). But I certainly don't hate donuts! I mean, what's not to like?
Unfortunately I can't take evil interns right now. The last time I had an evil underling, he hijacked my evil plan and nearly destroyed the Tri-State Area!
To phinbella-luvr22:I- I can be hip! Really! I'm into all the gunk rock and visigoth and heavyweight metal stuff!
To Platyman: Well, if I had a nickel every time I heard of a transatlantic ray randomly turning some device into dessert, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that I've heard it happen twice, right? In fact, if I count the time it happened to me, it'd be three nickels! But I don't want to talk about that... At least I'd have fifteen cents, which could buy me-...absolutely nothing.
Anyway, you seem evil enough. When I become Ruler of the Tri-State Area, I'll be sure to recognise your support. Wiith an evil gift basket or something.
bilaterus: …sexual connotations and Perryshmirtz weren't exactly what we had in mind :o
And you don't need to apologise quite so much about your deep understanding of the characters although we would've understood, even with a shorter rant, because I hope we've proved we have a good understanding of the characters too ;)
BlytheHasFreckles: We get excited with your reviews because they're constructive and very encouraging! Thanks for the consideration on our behalf! :)
To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: You want to hug me? I- I think i'm tearing up a little! I, er, don't get many offers of hugs, these days...
"I'll hug you dad!"
Ugh, Norm is still awake and reading what I'm writing. "Go to bed, Norm!" I say.
But wait, how would you give me a hug through the internet? You need physical contact for that, and right now the only connection between us is through the computer screens. It doesn't make any sense!
Eh, I need to think about this some more... when it's not so late.
To LuticolousMantis: Woah woah woah woah. Woah.
Woah.
Kicking kittens? Man, that truly is evil! How can you kick such innocent animals with their cute eyes and fluffiness... Well, they're not all innocent, I can tell you that from experience. But still!
Ok, now for- wait, WHAT? Jerry and Shoofdenmirtz, a- a couple? It doesn't- I don't even- that isn't-
Even if they were a- I- what would the children be like?
Kale Bishop: Hm, I remember a Mr. 'The Regurgitator'. I was his evil intern! He was a terrible boss, though. So unappreciative!
To MassiveSinger, AmityTheDerpy: Ahah! I see you've become my evil fans! Soon I'll have enough to take over the Tri-State Area! And Perry the Platypus is none the wiser!
Axis22: Haha! No word can replace 'evil'! Seriously, I tried to come up with words that rhyme with it, but I couldn't think of anything!
I'm glad you find my Inators impressive, and that I gave you an idea, and I picked up your mood... What is this feeling? Argh! Heart... Melting... Evilness... Diminishing...
No no, I must *yawn* stay evil!
And so must all of you! Until next time, evil readers. *Yawns*
Eh, I'm... still *yawn* writing in my yawns-
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz