bilaterus: The following are NOT reasons this chapter's late:
-We were helping stop an alien invasion of planet Earth.
-We were helping the government of Earth invade planet Zi'nak.
-There was a stampede of wildlife flattening civilization.
-A satellite crashed to earth near our respective houses.
Blythe: The following ARE reasons this chapter's late.
-Exams, studying, blah blah blah...
-Graduation preparation
- Jumping off of a 50ft cliff into a lake and getting injured badly from landing the wrong way (and having a giant ominous bruise take up nearly one's entire right leg)
-Watching terrible movies while eating jars upon jars of Nutella
- Feeding cats and other members of the animal kingdom.
-Making tea at inappropriate times...or just flat out unnecessary times.
-etc/other clever excuses.
We hope you like the update, despite its terrible lateness!
Evil readers, the English language and I have an odd relationship. Now, I don't know if it has something to do with typing on an electronic device that has me so frazzled about remembering how to spell certain words, but I've made a discovery this morning about yet another thing that bothers me about typing:
Spellcheck. The reason for frustration to the average evil scientist is and always will be those sinister little red squiggle lines underneath a word that you THOUGHT you spelled as correctly as possible. Look! Even the word "squiggle" has a red squiggly line underneath it! It's like having someone constantly on your case about your English comprehension! At least when you're handwriting something, there's no automatic spellcheck to let you know that you spelled your own name wrong.
For example, no, spellcheck, I did NOT spell my own name incorrectly!
Actually, come to think of it, the words "Heinz" and "Doofenshmirtz" really do look like heinously misspelled words in english.
Anyway, that doesn't mean that handwriting isn't a complete headache also! I hate it when I write out the word "health" and forget to insert the "L." Then it's just "Heath." And why would I want to spell "Heath?" I don't even know a Heath!
Then there's my never-ending frustration with the word "exercise." That word alone heightens my blood pressure. I always forget the "e" before the "r" and end up spelling it "excerize." Then there's the word "remember." Argh, that word! It's such a headache to both type AND handwrite! You end up putting way too many "em's" and it turn out looking like: remememember. It's like a word caterpillar!
And don't get me started on 'Missississippi'. Wait...
That brings to mind another modern day frustration I have with the English language: what's the deal with English people and adding unnecessary "u's" in words that absolutely don't need a "u?" If you don't know what I mean, look at these words: color, favorite, flavor. Now, let's look at the way English people write it: coloUr, favoUrite, flavoUr. See? I capitalize the "u's" to prove my point. Why do they do that? It would save them a fraction of a second if they just left out the unnecessary vowels! Also, if those people didn't mess around with putting "s's" in the place of where "z's" rightfully belong, this world wouldn't half as confusing to live in.
Anyway, I guess I should quit with my babbling and get on with the story. I mean clearly you came to read what happens next. After all, I love to leave my audience on a cliffhanger. At a cliffhanger. In a cliffhanger. What is the proper term? Is it "in?" "On?" "At?" I don't know which one to use, but I hope you all were cliff-hanged.
Wait, no, no! Ick, that sounds positively morbid! That sounds like a federal crime. "Cliff-hanging." Can you imagine?
If that was a crime, how much time in prison do you think-...hold on, was there even a cliffhanger in my last chapter? I don't remember. This is awkward...
Okay, I'm going to start over:
I hope you like my new update. There. Plain and simple.
Phineas and Ferb were outside leaning against the tree in the backyard, as they usually were. It was definitely a usual day, so usual that no matter what unusual thing you could think of, today was not the day that thing was happening, because if it was happening, then it would have been an unusual day. Which it wasn't. It was just a usual day.
Phineas was still trying to think up of something evil and romantic to do for Isabella, but he was stuck on which idea to choose.
"I'm stuck on which idea to choose!" he said to Ferb. "Should we should go with the giant evil robot of terror or the massive bouquet of flowers? The flowers would be really nice but not evil, and a giant evil robot doesn't exactly scream romance..."
They had the blueprints for both projects on the grass next to them. Ferb laid one partially on top of the other.
"You're right, we can combine the ideas together! Ferb you're a genius!" Phineas cried. "I know what we're going to do today!"
Then he looked around and said his other catchphrase. "Hey, where's Jerry?"
Of course, Phineas and Ferb still didn't know that their pet was actually a secret agent. Jerry, also known as Agent J, sneaked away from the brothers and went towards the trash cans. One of them hid the entrance to his secret base. He jumped in... and got covered in trash. He'd jumped into the wrong one! Jerry climbed out of the trash can and shook off an old banana peel that was stuck to him. The smell was so bad there were stink lines coming off him!
Ahahahah! I'm so evil to my characters. For some reason I just feel inclined to make life difficult for this Jerry character, I don't know why! It's like I have some subconscious, deep-rooted hate towards him that I can't explain. Weird, right?
Oh well, it's quite funny. Hey evil readers, check this out!
He tried to jump into another trash can but that one was wrong too. He got covered in even more trash!
I just now thought of that. Just now. See evil readers? That's how genius happens!
Ok, let me move on with the story.
Finally Jerry realised that the secret entrance was behind the trash cans, not in them, and he headed down the chute. He appeared in his secret base. On the screen, Major Duogram appeared, in his usual uniform.
"Good morning Agent J- oh, did you fall into the trash cans on your way to the evil lair?"
Major Duogram burst out laughing. Jerry was not amused. Then the Major cleared his throat and continued.
"Er yes well, Shoofdenmirtz is up to something. Go out there and put a stop to it like you usually do."
Jerry saluted, as he usually did, and rushed off. After he left, Major Duogram burst out laughing again and called his intern.
"Hey Dax! Guess what just happened!"
'Dax' is... a really cool name! The only intern I know is named 'Carl', which, eh, is quite an ordinary name now that I think about it.
On to the other evil plot line!
Phineas and Ferb had just finished their giant romantic-flower-picking robot. It was a giant robot designed to pick flowers that looked romantic from other people's private gardens. That way, the robot was both evil AND romantic. They activated the robot and it rushed off to the neighboring gardens to gather the amorous perennials it had been instructed to collect.
Actually, 'giant romantic flower-picking robot' was a little bit wordy, so they named it Steve.
They named a lot of things Steve.
Anyway, Steve the giant flower-picking robot was going from garden to garden. It picked roses and petunias and lots of cute flowers.
"Argh! Get out of my begonias!" one of the garden owners shouted. Steve obliged by crashing through the fence to get to the next garden.
Wow, that giant robot seems like it could cause quite a public disturbance. Norm!
"Yes, dad?" Norm says.
"Make a note reminding me to build a giant robot that's capable of wreaking havoc."
That's all that giant robot Norm is good for, you know. Making notes. He'll even forget to do it too! Just you watch, evil readers.
In the garden of a little house out in the suburbs, Roger Doofenshmirtz was toiling away hard at work, sweat on his brow. At last he stood up.
"Ah, after years and years of difficulty, misery and pain, I've finally managed to grow the perfect flowers!" he declared triumphantly. "Now I can sit back and enjoy them..."
Just then, Steve crashed into the garden. In a single scoop, he picked up all of the flowers and, looking like a satisfied giant flower-picking robot, he rushed back to his creators' backyard to present his collection, leaving Roger alone in the destroyed wreckage of the garden.
"Nooooooooooooooooo!"
Haha! I LOVE writing this fan fiction stuff!
Ok, that's enough of that... for now.
Meanwhile, at the other side of the Tri-State Area, Jerry crashed through the window of the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company building.
"Jerry the Platypus!" Shoofdenmirtz exclaimed in his usual way, turning around to face his intruder. Shoofdenmirtz had a remote control in his hand with a big red button and he pushed it, causing a platypus-sized garbage can to trap Jerry.
"You're trapped, Jerry the- ugh, what's that smell? Oh, it's coming from YOU, Jerry the Platypus. I can actually see the stink lines!"
Jerry the Platypus glared at Shoofdenmirtz.
"Oh, don't look at me like that, Jerry the Platypus. I'm just the one creating the traps. I mean, seriously - how was I supposed to know you'd come barging in with garbage all over you? ...Though I suppose the coincidence is uncanny, huh? When I built this garbage can trap, I - I mean, I didn't think you'd actually come in with garbage all over - ….eh, nevermind. That's not important."
Shoofdenmirtz wasted no time, stepping back to unveil the certain to his new ingenious creation.
"Now that you were so kind as to drop by, I think you'll appreciate today's Ineetor! BEHOLD! The Sneeze-Ineetor!"
With that, the evil scientist stripped the cloak off of the enormous device, revealing a giant mechanical nose-shaped Ineetor and took a moment to cackle evilly.
"So I'll bet you're wondering why I built this Ineetor. You're probably thinking, 'Shoof, how did you come up with such an incredibly formidable machine? It's positively brilliant and yet terrifying at the same time!' Well, Jerry the Platypus, it all started out this morning."
And then there was a backstory flashback. But you readers can't see it, of course. That wouldn't make any sense.
"...and so that's how I developed an allergy to pollen. But now EVERYBODY will feel the misfortune of an allergy attack! As all animals know, you can barely do anything while you're sneezing! You can't drive a car, you can't slice vegetables, you can't provoke real estate agents, you can't do anything that requires motor skills! This machine will unleash several whirlwinds of pollen, causing everyone to sneeze uncontrollably! Then while everyone else is in a fit of sneezes, I'll be the only person not sneezing, and therefore I'll be the only one who is capable of taking over the Tri-State Area!"
Jerry the Platypus squirmed about in his trap, failing to free himself as Dr. Shoofdenmirtz picked up a jar of something from a nearby table.
"Now all I need to do is load the ammo..."
Jerry twisted his little platypus head in several directions, trying to determine what was in the jar.
"Oh, what's this? This is pollen, Jerry the Platypus." He then tipped the jar and poured some of its contents onto the end of a metal rod, which held an empty container, "I have to load my Ineetor before I put it into action, see?"
He then shut the jar and loaded the pollen up one of the nostrils of the mechanical nose, then pressed a button on the machine to turn it on.
"Now there's nothing you can do, Jerry the Platypus! The entire Tri-State population will now fall victim to pesky sneezing fits and I will become supreme ruler!"
All of a sudden, the machine started to quake and made unexpected movements. A minute or so passed and the machine seemed to shake more and more violently.
"What...? What's wrong with this thing? It's supposed to unleash a stream of unavoidable allergy-induced terror upon the city!"
Completely without warning, the machine began to malfunction and shot a stream of pollen off the balcony before it began to go up in smoke. After a moment of watching helplessly, Jerry the Platypus noticed that the nose-shaped Ineetor seemed to be sneezing itself to pieces! The animal agent took a deep breath in, sucking in his gut and slipping out of the garbage can trap while Shoofdenmirtz was preoccupied with the short-circuiting of his Ineetor.
"No! My ingenious Ineetor!" yelled Dr. Shoofdenmirtz in desperation as he watched the self destruction of yet another one of his inventions. Just before the machine completely exploded, the remains of the pollen that he loaded into the machine burst from one of the nostrils and clouded the air causing Shoofdenmirtz to sneeze uncontrollably!
"Achoo! Curse you! Achoo! Jerry! Achoo! The Platypus! Achoo! Achoo!" he yelled through sneezes, waving his fist in the air as Jerry the Platypus made his escape off the balcony.
I can't help but feel strangely sympathetic towards this evil scientist... I suppose that's the power of fan fiction writing, eh evil readers? I already feel such a deep connection with the characters!
Meanwhile, back in suburban Danville, the two young inventors waited anxiously in the back yard for Steve to return with the lovely, yet evilly gathered bouquet of flowers.
"Gee, Ferb! I hope Steve comes back soon before Isabella shows up!"
The quieter brother nodded.
"Do you think she'll like it? Girls like flowers, don't they?"
Just then, a certain friendly neighbor opened the gate to the back yard, smiling in her usual girlish way.
"Hi Phineas! Whatcha doooin'?"
A light blush spread over the boy's face, "Nothing!" Phineas said quickly. He didn't want Isabella to know he was trying to do something evil and romantic for her! "I mean! Oh, hi, Isabella! Uh, we were just... talking about the greatness of our evil overlord Doofenshmirtz!" He scratched his ear nervously, as he usually did when he was keeping a secret, "And, uh, just... waiting...for..."
"A special delivery," said Ferb, finishing his brother's sentence.
This Phineas character really wouldn't be very good at something that required a poker face, right? That's such an obvious 'tell', a clear sign when he's bluffing! But then Phineas wouldn't actually play a gambling card game like that, as he's just a kid, so, well, I suppose it doesn't really matter much... Anyway!
Isabella was a little bit confused that Phineas and Ferb hadn't really done anything, and she was also a little bit sad because she thought Phineas still didn't notice her yet. She sat down with them and they all started talking about their Supreme Emperor Heinz Doofenshmirtz and how wonderful their lives were now that he was ruling the Tri-State Area.
Wait a second, I just realised! I've not appeared this entire chapter! I had better fix that...
Just then, said overlord came marching through their backyard again! Standing tall with his usual mighty superiority, he gave a handsome smile.
"What are you youngsters up to this fine evening?" he said charmingly.
"Oh hello, Overlord Doofensmirtz! We were just talking about how mankind has benefited exponentially from your overruling reign and how fortunate we've been since you took away our need to ever be an individualistic society!"
The handsome overlord grinned, "Excellent. Have you done anything evil today?"
"Oh yes! We do something evil every day, just as you will us to!" said Phineas excitedly.
"Good, good. Stay evil, children!" and then the shining totalitarian marched off into the sunset.
"Bye, Emperor Doofenshmirtz!"
As Isabella waved goodbye to the handsome emperor, Steve had returned in the backyard with a bouquet of beautiful and sweet-smelling flowers. He bent down and handed it to Phineas.
"Wow, Phineas! Those flowers are beautiful!" gasped Isabella, "Who are they for?"
"Actually... they're for you!" He presented them to her and she took them, delight on her face. "W-what do you think?"
She inhaled deeply, taking in as much of the scent as possible. Phineas was excited - perhaps this time it would work...!
Just then, Isabella was hit by that stray ray that was fired by the Ineetor earlier.
"Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" She started sneezing uncontrollably.
"I-Isabella!"
She was sneezing so much she had to leave their backyard. Phineas looked dejectedly at the flowers she had left behind.
"She must have been allergic to them," he sighed. He felt as if he'd let down Isabella again! Ferb put his hand on Phineas's shoulder to reassure him, and they went back inside the house. But Phineas was, as usual, determined not to give up.
"I'll come up with an evil way to make Isabella happy no matter what!"
Aww, will the poor kid ever get his girl?
Well, I know the answer, but I'm not going to tell you, evil readers! You'll have to wait and see. Evil!
Now, I'll reply to your reviews. I'm so happy you all like it! It means my plan to take over the Tri-State Area is succeeding!
To tlegg13: Wow, those are some far out ideas, man! So hip and...and groovy, as the kids say. I think i'll steal those one day. Evil!
To LuticolousMantis: That poem... is so beautiful! All of those rhymes with evil... I think I'm tearing up a little. You are one diabolical guy, what with all that kitten-kicking and evil-rhyming...and the lyrical thinga-ma-whatsits and the...uh...here, I'll write a poem back to you. Of course, it won't be that long or nearly as good, but here goes:
I really enjoyed
the poem you wrote me
it was a better response
than I had been hoping...(for)
My poem response
will not be as good
because I can't write poetry
though I wish I could
Well, that's not completely true
I did back in my prime
but it didn't get me anywhere
and it was a waste of my time
It wasn't so bad, really
and it got me through college
but I wasn't so good at it:
I lacked lyrical knowledge.
That's not saying that I don't like it
and will never write it again
It's just that poems aren't evil
and a phase I went through back then.
But I do enjoy a haiku
or a limerick or a sonnet
I read them more than write them
Though I'm no expert on it.
...eh...the topic, I mean. I'm not expert on the topic.
The threat of a roach army
scared me out of my snuggies.
Look like I'll need a lot of insecticide
to kill all those buggies.
However, I can not tell you
the rest of this story
but if you stick around
you'll get to read some more...-y
Alright, that's all I got. Sheesh, maybe poems are evil after all! They sure are a hassle to write!
To Guest Person: Don't worry, I'm confident in this scheme. Thanks! Vote for me for ruler of the Tri-State Area!
To Cute as a button22: My story's turned you into a public nuisance? Wow, that's evil in a way I never expected! I'm- I'm so proud!
To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: Actually... Norm wrote the 'z's when I fell asleep. Not funny, Norm!
"Sorry sir!"
Anyway, as you can see my brother Roger was in this story. Ooh, how I despise him! As for songs, I might write an evil song in a future chapter. You'll just have to keep reading!
To Axis22: Yes well there's 'rude' in the right, evil way and there's 'rude' in the wrong way... it's quite complicated, you know. To learn more, look out for the opening of the Doofenshmirtz Institute of Evilology, coming soon to a Tri-State Area near you!
To celebi4ever: Well as my evil professor Dr. Gevaarlijk taught me, 'evil doesn't alvays have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in ze little things you do every day.' I never did manage to impress her, in the end...
To MassiveSinger: Oh, can I? *Defeats Perry the Platypus* Let's see if it works!
To Shadouge-and-Silvaze4ever: I took it to an echo repair guy (do you know how hard it is to find one of those in the Tri-State Area?) and he said it was just an 'episode gag'. Like it was on some sort of TV show or something! But it's better now! My echoes are as diabolical as ever... ever ... ever... BADGER!... ever...
Oh great. What's wrong with it now?
Also, Vanessa's not dating anyone right now... right?
To BlueLightningXD: Yes, Blinda is very familiar... she's like my mother! So unapproving, loving the other sons instead... I practically based her character on real life.
To Gotta Bust 'Em: Ok, er... good luck with whatever you are trying to do... I think?
To ayahsad167: Ah, you're one of my many fans now I see! Excellent...
To Showtunes4life: I, eheh, don't know how to burn a disk of my evil 'tunez', the new-fangled technology confuses me a little... but as I mentioned I may well write an evil song in a chapter to come!
Ah Broadway, that brings back memories. Mostly painful ones...
Actually, 'bilaterus' is just the account I use to upload my evil story. It's kind of a random name, I know. I don't think it means anything... but it sounds cool, right? 'bil-at-er-us' really rolls off the tongue, it's great!
To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: What? You're me? But I'M me! And I'm sure that incident with the Double-Inator was just an 'episode gag' as well (I had that checked too after checking my echo...)
Anyway, of course Perry the Platypus always defeats me! He's MY nemesis! That just proves that you're the duplicate, Fakey McFakerson!
But wait... what if I'm NOT the real Heinz Doofenshmirtz? Does... does that mean my whole life is a lie? If only Balloony were here... I- I think I need a hug...
"I'll hug you sir!" Norm shouts.
"Stop reading what I'm writing, Norm!" I say, reprimanding him.
Hmmm...wait a second. I think I'll put you to the test. If you're REALLY me, you'll pass completely unscathed and without any incorrect answers. If you answer something wrong, I'm calling bluff!
Okay, are you ready? Here goes...
Do you want some rice pudding?
To Platyman: Hm, I have sweet oranges, bitter oranges, blood oranges and clementines... but no satsumas. Go figure.
Now that I think about it, I believe that there was an emotionally scarring backstory to do with sauerkraut that I had forgotten about - you know, because I have so many - which may be the reason why I can never eat sauerkraut again. Oh well. An evil scientist can never have too many things to hate!
bilaterus: It's a shame you've not written anything. It's a great feeling seeing a story you've written through to completion. Perhaps you could put aside half an hour every day to write? At least make an account so we can PM you! :P
BlytheHasFreckles: we've noticed that you've been generous with your reviews in the past and they always provide both of us with productive insight. It's really a shame you don't have an account or any stories!
bilaterus: As for Candace, I suppose that aspect was touched upon in SBTY, where they convince her that she has indeed done remarkable things and she seemed to make her peace with them a little. But clearly there is more to be said.
Now, I... I think I'll lie down for a while. Stay evil everybody...