bilaterus: Hey guys! We wrote a great chapter for you, filled with action, drama, humour, you name it... but then it disappeared in a puff of smoke, so this chapter will have to do instead xD
Blythe: Again, we apologize for the immense lateness. It's been ages since we've updated this. *points to self* (my bad. Again.)
Anyway, we hope you like the first half of this next set of events! Hopefully we'll get a little better about updating!
bilaterus: There's only the first half of things in this chapter? My goodness, Doof's evil is rubbing off on us xD enjoy the chapter, guys.
You know I'll never understand that saying, 'never judge a book by its cover'. I mean, surely that's the purpose of the cover of a book! What, are they suggesting that books shouldn't have covers at all, and should just, I don't know, be wrapped in blank paper with the book's name written in crayon at the top? Why would people go to all the time and effort to produce a book cover and then turn around and say we shouldn't judge them by the covers? It makes no sense, really.
Speaking of books, I was at the used book store earlier today looking for a copy of 'Inside an Evil Mind: The Dr. Wexler Story', a biography about my idol, the incredibly evil Dr. Wexler. I don't know why I wanted a copy, I just had a sort of strange desire to read it again after so long - you know, like after you've not eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for ages and then suddenly you wake up one day and say "hey, I could really go for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich". It was like that.
Anyway, they did have a copy (although the guy at the store didn't have to be so rude about it when I asked him - Evil Note: invent a Book Store Guy Away-Inator as an evil scheme later) but as I was about to leave, some other books caught my eye. Their covers were all colourful and interesting, and I was drawn to them, like a moth to a really colourful and interesting flame. Next thing I knew, I had paid for the whole collection of books and was back in my apartment! I had some time before I had to start my evil scheme for the day, so I decided to pick up one of the books and start reading it.
And it was horrible! The main character was so unrealistic, the writing style was really forced and unnatural, and the plot made zero sense whatsoever. Like, really, even Perry the Platypus could write better stories! That is if he could write anything with those little platypus hands of his...
Where was I? Oh yes, these stories. They were awful! I tried to read the first one, but I couldn't even finish it because it was so terribly bad. I thought perhaps the other story would be more interesting but that one was even worse! They made no sense whatsoever, it was like a child had written them!
Honestly, I bet this 'Dr. Seuss' guy isn't even a real doctor!
It's like, ok, I can understand having a cat as a main character, but what's up with the hat? It's all huge and striped, and he's wearing it for no reason whatsoever! This Seuss guy gives absolutely no explanation as to why this mysterious feline protagonist is wearing this accessory on his head. Did he find it somewhere? Was it store-bought? Was it a family heirloom passed down from his Latin-American grandfather? We'll never know, because the lazy author didn't bother to tell us!
And the other story was about 'green eggs and ham' or something. That not only doesn't make sense, but it's also a health hazard! You do not want to eat anything that's turned green, I can tell you that from experience. One of the characters was insisting that the other eat these possibly mouldy, infected or radioactive pieces of food, and you know what? It wasn't even the morning! Who's ever heard of having eggs and ham for lunch or dinner? It's unbelievable, really.
Actually I quite liked the movie. There was a Cupcake-Inator involved. Hm, that gives me an idea for an evil scheme...
Sorry evil readers, but some things just really push my buttons! Some people shouldn't be allowed to write at all! In fact, they should be banned from writing entirely. Whenever they try to write something, a machine should automatically buzz in their ear or something, preventing them from doing anything. It's really hard to concentrate when there's an annoying buzzing going on, it leads to splitting headaches you know!
Ok ok, even though it is kinda nice to talk to someone else that'll listen to me that's not Perry the Platypus, I'll continue with the chapter...
Candace was not happy. She was the opposite of happy, in fact - unhappy, that's what she was. No, more than that, she was frustrated, filled with rage that the boys constantly outshone her in evil acts. For example, the entire pack of wild monkeys Phineas and Ferb unleashed across the city a few days ago had completely overshadowed Candace's attempt to unleash a similar evil terror with a pack of kittens. And why? Kittens could be just as troublesome and evil as anything else!
And then there was that giant flower-picking robot they built just the other day that Candace had tried to show her Mom. Flowers, after all, are totally not evil, right? But no, her Mom was positively over the moon. She started to ramble about how naturally evil the boys were and how proud they made her as a mother and how she wished her oldest child was capable of more than being a below-average lawn gnome...
Anyway. Even the fact that the robot was apparently called 'Steve' didn't faze her mother. 'Steve' wasn't evil at all, as a name! And they called a lot of things Steve! She simply didn't understand it at all. Was everyone just against her?
You know, it's quite fun to write the thoughts of Candace. She's so bad at evil!
Well actually, kittens can be pretty evil (I learned THAT the hard way), but I don't think I could really wreak havoc on the Tri-State Area with them...
Oh! That reminds me about another thing about Candace that I forgot to write about last time!
Candace sighed. It seemed like the whole world was against her. "The whole world is against me," she complained.
Suddenly she heard her cell phone ringtone, 'Doof Snuck his way Right Into our Hearts'. She answered the call. It was Jeremy, her boyfriend!
"Hey Candace," Jeremy said over the phone. "I just wanted you to know that I love you unconditionally! I love you more than there are bad movies about romance in the world! I love you almost as much as I admire our wonderful Emperor Doofenshmirtz!"
"Aw Jeremy! That's so sweet," Candace said happily. "I love you too. Catch you tomorrow?"
"It's a date. Stay evil!"
You know, I really hate teenage couples in love. Look at them, with their unconditional love, blissful happiness and peaceful lives... it just fills me with rage! I especially hate movies and stories about teen love. Those really push my buttons!
And yet... I find myself wanting the best for these two (I think the 'pairing' is called 'Jeremace' or something, I don't know, it's some weird combination of both of their names). I'm not sure why but it makes me happier when Candace has someone in her life that loves her... Isn't that weird, evil readers?
Oh well. Back to the story.
Candace put her phone down and sighed happily, at peace for that one brief moment in her life. Then she heard her brothers outside.
"This may be our best invention yet! Isabella's gonna love it!"
It was Phineas! Candace rushed outside and saw the invention.
Candace felt angry, yes, that much was true. Then she grinned widely - she knew what to do. Her Mom was inside. She rushed in to get her/ to witness the boys and their 'thing' together.
Wait, I've just realised something. I've slipped into a rhyming style, like that Dr. Seuss! Argh, he haunts me even when I'm not reading his books!
I admit it was quite fun to write. Reminds me of my college days. Maybe I should continue like that for a while?
"Wow," her Mom cried. "That invention looks evil!"
...
Nevermind.
Well, I know now that there are words that rhyme with evil, but it's actually pretty hard to get it to work. Ick, now I remember why I gave this rhyming stuff up in college.
Well, also because of a baking soda volcano. Long story.
Anyway, I think I had better explain what Candace's brothers had been up to.
Earlier, in the back yard...
"I just don't get it, Ferb," said Phineas, very disappointed in the turnout of his last attempt, "I was sure that our last invention would work! Girls are supposed to love flowers! Who would've thought that Isabella would turn out to be allergic to them?"
The other inventor shrugged his shoulders.
"Hmm. Well, what else do girls like that can also be somewhat evil?"
The question lingered between the two brothers for a moment. Somewhere, the sound of a car passing on the street was the only sound that was heard. Phineas looked up toward the sky, taking in the temperate summer air.
Wow, poetic! I surprise myself sometimes.
Suddenly, he got an idea, "Ferb! I know what else we're gonna do for Isabella!"
And the two boys went to work, laying a large blueprint page on the grass and sketching out their next evil invention. There were circles and swirls and zigzags up and down the page. Loopty-loops were made from one corner to the other and decorated with diagonal lines from the center of the page to the folds. X's were over here, O's were over there, holes were made in the paper and then finished off when the two brothers crumpled the parchment into a little ball, kicked it around the yard, and then doused it with water from the garden hose and hung out to dry. After it had dried, they unfolded it and smoothed out the wrinkles. Laying there before them was the perfect blueprint to one of their most ingenious inventions yet!
"This might be our most ingenious invention yet! Isabella's gonna love it!" said Phineas, breathlessly. Later than scheduled, he searched for his semi-aquatic pet, "Hey, where's Jerry?"
The disguised secret agent in question was already inside, climbing onto the couch and slipping under one of the cushions into a tube that led to his secret underground base. As soon as he landed on his platypus-sized chair, he noticed that Major Duogram had already been waiting to issue him his new mission.
"Good Morning, Agent J. Looks like Shoofdenmirtz is up to another one of his sinister plots to take over the Tri-State Area. This time, the reports I've been given give me no ideas as to what he might be up to. That's more alarming than a plot that's easy to explain."
Jerry took notes in his adorable platypus-sized secret agent notepad.
"Good luck, Agent J."
The agent saluted his superior, then headed off to his platypus mobile...or whatever it's called.
Things are going a little too well for Jerry the Platypus for my liking. I'll just fix that...
Jerry the Platypus tried to start the engine of the platypus mobile, but it didn't work. He realised that there was no gas in the tank. he had to trudge all the way to the local gas station to get some, which was a considerable inconvenience for him.
Haha. Evil!
Eventually, he arrived at the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company all bothered from having to go out all that way to get gas in the hot summer heat. He busted through the door, and was immediately trapped as two halves of a big heavy bowling ball encased him.
"Ah, Jerry the Platypus, I'm positively bowled over to see you..."
Since this is the fifth chapter, I need to step it up. That's why, to engage you evil readers, I ended this chapter with both a pun AND cliff-hangers! What is Shoofdenmirtz planning? Will Candace succeed in earning her mother's love? Why am I asking all these rhetorical questions?
Well actually I'm asking these to engage you evil readers even more. So I guess that last one wasn't exactly rhetorical...
Oh poo, I've ruined my great chapter ending! Eh, it doesn't matter now. I'll just respond to your evil reviews and then, I don't know, watch TV or something. Keep 'em coming though, evil readers!
To 14Amychan, Cute as a button22, Ryan Stoppable, Mapiteu, germanyswarrior, evergreen, Yires: Thanks, I'm glad you are all enjoying the evil story. Remember, vote for me for ruler of the Tri-State Area! Oh, I just know you will! And I could've sworn I've said that already...
To Laptopwriter22: I see that you too recognise my evil genius! After all, they don't give doctorates like mine to just anybody, you know.
To ayahsad167: It seems my story's evilness is leaking into you readers as well... just as I planned! And I will definitely keep an eye out for those authors, I have a lot of evil to teach you know!
Though their names sound familiar...
To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: Wow. That Dr. Schnitzel sounds weird, even to me! And I come from a background of... well let's just say a Drusselsteinian professor tried to study the Doofenshmirtz's family history and he fled to the mountains, pants on head, after only three months... Anyway, I'll keep an eye out.
I see you're definitely one of my evil fans! It's nice to be meeting so many like-minded people who share my intense hatred for all of the irrational things in life. It's things like this that make me glad I picked up writing evil fan fiction!
Sadly, evil genius cannot be rushed. Between inventing new Inators, battling Perry the Platypus, handling my daughter and ex-wife, my arts and crafts classes, and cleaning up after Norm, I simply have very little time for my evil writing! But I do my best!
To MGD: Other kids? Yes, I do recall reading about other kids that show up from time to time... but I'm still starting out, so I don't want to have too many characters at once. You see, it's difficult juggling three simultaneous plotlines already!
Eh, I don't quite understand the whole 'cannibalism' comment... Last I checked I was not made of sauces or condiments and I've also not seen many human-flavoured ketchups either! I don't get it!
To Megaranger66: I think I explained briefly where I got the characters from in the first chapter, I think? Wow, it's a little hard to believe this is already my fifth! Anyway, as you can see, I've left this chapter on another evil cliffhanger so you'll have to wait and see whether Candace will attempt to sabotage the invention!
To the, er, Chalmers family: Thank you for the reviews... I think... I'm glad a couple of you seem to like my fan fic.
I'll just... er... move on...
To celebi4ever: Hm, that's an interesting evil idea! The only problem is that I'll have to tell Perry the Platypus where I got the idea for the Inator and I can't very well say 'somebody on the internet suggested it'... unless I steal the credit! Evil!
To Kale Bishop: But... but I DID reply to you!
To Emmi194: Oh, I'm glad you're liking my little evil story! Given how greatly successful this story is, and given how wonderful and therapeutic writing has turned out, I may well write more stories in the future!
bilaterus: We've not planned the ending to this, so the end of this fic won't really be for a while. However, we like to keep moving forward, so we probably wouldn't so another variant.
That doesn't mean others can't though! It's immense fun writing Doof writing Phinbella. Maybe one of you guys can write him writing another type of fic, or even write another character writing a fic! There's plenty of potential for creativity here and it's a great exercise in writing characters canonically :D
To Abigail: Oh yes, definitely, Norm is incredibly loud and annoying. But, er, it'd be too much effort to get rid of him, so that's why I put up with him. Yeah.
To Purpl3Pickl3: Firstly I am definitely Dr. Doofenshmirtz! I mean c'mon, I have the doctorate and everything!
Secondly, if I want to spend the alimony on cartoonish traps and diabolical Inators, that's my business!
It occurs to me that the 'letter' from Charlene is a little suspicious... she never compliments me on anything these days! Are you sure she said those things?
To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: It was a test! Almond brittle?
Blythe: Alright ladies and gents! We'll catch y'all next time! (Whenever that is...)
bilaterus: Hopefully it's soon!
Stay evil!