bilaterus: Hey guys. This is just an A/N chapter letting you know that Blythe isn't around to help write this chapter. So it'll be a while before the next real update.
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Don't look at me like that! I can't write it without her! It-It wouldn't be the same! She makes it come alive!
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F-Fine! Here's your chapter! Just stop looking at me with those… those puppy dog eyes!
Wait a minute! I can't even see your eyes, this is the internet! You guys tricked me into writing this! What kind of evil, sick, twisted people do that?
Enjoy the chapter. You psychopaths.
Hello! This is my father, Heinz Doofenshmirtz! I am an evil scientist, and I like coming up with evil schemes every day that inevitably get thwarted by my nemesis and best friend, Perry the Platypus! I also like to spend time with my daughter, Vanessa, who I love very much! I love her almost as much as I love my son, Norm!
Ok, I have a confession to make! This is not actually my father! It's me, Norm! I hope you'll forgive me for misleading you! Dr. D left his computer on and is not here right now, so I will be taking his place for a while! I hope he appreciates how helpful I am being!
I guess this is the part where I talk to the readers!
Let me tell you about my day! Today I made breakfast for Dr. D. I made eggs, just the way he likes them, with a nice piece of toast! He must have liked it because I later saw him standing at the garbage disposal, and his plate was completely empty! I'm so happy to do things for my dad!
After that, Dr. D told me to clean the whole bathroom. It took all day to do, but now the bathroom is sparkling!
That reminds me to add 'new toothbrush' to Dr. D's shopping list! I've been using his toothbrush to clean the bathroom for a couple of weeks now and it's all worn out!
I went to the park in the evening! It does make me sad when I see other kids playing with their fathers... but I am sure that one day Dr. D will play with me when he has a free day! Many days he tells me he is 'watching paint grow' or 'watching grass dry' and tells me to go by myself! Dr. D is a busy evil scientist, after all! He's always got something to do! Today he told me he was going to count the number of jelly babies he could eat without throwing up, so I went myself!
I like to play a nice game of catch with myself sometimes! Other times I like to stand like a tree and let squirrels climb up me! It makes me feel at one with my surroundings! Even the kids look at me before their mothers take them away quickly! They must be in awe of how in tune I am with nature! I did both of my regular activities today and I only broke down three times when the squirrel that powers my circuitry left to collect nuts! That's an all-time record!
Yes, today was a good day!
That lousy good for nothing-!
Seriously, I leave for one minute to get some garlic from the store and I come back to see him messing up my story! Sorry about all that, evil readers, you can put everything he said out of your head! Just take it out of your head and throw it in the trash or something. I don't advise doing any actual brain surgery though, unless you're qualified... just try not to think about it ever again. That should work.
Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming - er, story, I mean...
Anyway! Today was a really terrible day, all because of that complete embarrassment of a robot, Norm. Not only did he burn my toast and leave shells in the eggs as usual, he also took the entire day to clean the bathroom! Really, one of these days I'll replace that old hunk of junk. Although the last time I did that I was nearly turned into a smoothie... long story.
Anyway, later he asked to go to the park. What kind of giant robot even asks that, really?! Obviously I had some evil scientist relaxing to do after the thwarting of the day so I made some lame excuse not to go. It got rid of him for a while at least. It was quite peaceful, apart from a mishap with some jelly beans... long story.
Anyway, evil readers, I apologise again for Norm's incessant rambling about his day and his feelings, which I am totally sure you did not want to read. I mean honestly, he goes on and on and on...
Anyway, on with the story! Where were we? Oh yes, Candace had managed to show her brothers' invention to her mother... who had promptly complimented its incredibly evil design. Oh, and also, Jerry the Platypus was trapped in a giant bowling ball by Shoofdenmirtz. Hm, giant bowling ball trap... I'll have to make a note of that.
Anyway, I can't decide which plot to go with. So I'll let you evil readers decide! Let me know which one you think I should start with.
Ok, so after several hours of waiting for responses I realised I hadn't actually uploaded anything for you to see. Yikes. I mean, this is just as embarrassing as my first day at school in hand-me-up girls' clothing (long story).
I'll just, I don't know, flip a coin to decide. Yes, this is great! Heads means the Candace part wins, Tails means the Jerry part loses.
I just now thought of this by the way. Just now! You're seeing genius in action here, evil readers!
I'm flipping it now! Here goes...
Heads! Guess I'm going with the Candace part!
"Mom, did you say it looked evil?" Candace asked, shocked.
"Yes, it's wonderfully evil! It fills me with joy to see my boys doing evil at a 10th grade level!" After affectionately ruffling her boys' hair - something she never did to her eldest child - Blinda went back inside the house.
"We need to go and get a few more parts," Phineas said to Ferb. The two boys then exited, leaving Candace alone in the backyard.
Needless to say, this all made Candace very frustrated. After all, the whole 'Mom loving the boys' evil more' was even more frustrating than hearing someone repeatedly say 'irregardless'. She was close to just calling it a day and just spend the rest of the day doing what regular teenage girls normally do.
What do teenage girls normally do? Mope around listening to their 'junk metal' music (or whatever's hip these days)? Watch TV? Talk to their visigoth - sorry, goth - friends on the phone for literally hours? Write fan fiction involving cartoons on a kid's show that they then proceed to pair up in all kinds of crazy or cliché romantic scenarios, all the while wishing they were part of that world or dating one of the characters?
Ok, the last one is a little out there, but I stand by it.
Anyway, I've mostly based those on my daughter, Vanessa. You know sometimes I worry about her. What if she stays a teenage girl for her whole life? How will she learn about all of the things there is to hate and despise about society if she never grows up and becomes part of it?
Sorry to bring all that up, evil readers. It's just…writing this story really makes me think sometimes, you know? It's deep, man.
Candace was about to stomp back inside when something on the ground caught her eye. It was her brothers' toolbox! Her eyes lit up and she cackled maniacally as an idea dawned upon her.
"This is the perfect chance to tamper with their invention and make myself look better by comparison!"
Candace got to work immediately. She removed gears, springs, nuts and bolts, and replaced them with cogs, screws, pins and widgets. She whipped out wires, calibrated circuitry, prepped pipes and quelled the quantum engine.
At last, she was done! Candace stepped back to admire her handiwork. The machine was now completely unrecognisable and, in Candace's opinion, looked about as evil as a block of gelatin.
It's funny because even as I write this, I remember a time when I accidentally created an giant evil gelatin monster. Yeah, it's another long story... man, I've really got a lot of those! I should star in my own TV show, on Fridays of course, where my attempts to take over the Tri-State Area are in the episodes. Perry the Platypus would be in it too!
But, ehh... what kind of evil, sick, twisted person would watch a show like that?
Meanwhile, at the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Headquarters, Jerry the Platypus was still trapped in the platypus-trap-sized bowling ball.
"You may be wondering what this Ineetor out here is," Shoofdenmirtz said sinisterly. "Wait, you can't actually see the Ineetor because you're in that bowling ball… wait, can you even hear me in there? Nod if you can hear me… Wait, I can't see you either… Let me just tell you my scheme!
"You know how sometimes you're trying to describe something you've seen to a friend or colleague and you end up totally not being able to find the words for it, so you substitute fake words like thingamabob and thingamajig? And then everyone involved gets all frustrated and annoyed? It's so difficult to communicate when that happens! Imagine if all of society was like that! And that is why I created…"
Shoofdenmirtz paused.
"Well, ironically I don't know what to call it. But it's an Ineetor that shoots a ray causing people to have the trouble that I was talking about earlier, thereby crumbling civilisation, blah blah blah, I take over the Tri-State Area, you know how it goes… hey, what are you doing?"
Shoofdenmirtz frowned in annoyance as the bowling ball started to roll towards the Ineetor. His eyes then widened as it slowly dawned upon him what Jerry the Platypus was up to.
"Hey wait-!"
The bowling ball then bounced off the self-destruct button that had been jutting out of the Ineetor and sailed clear off the Shoofdenmirtz Mischief Company building. The Ineetor managed to fire out a single beam before it exploded dramatically as the bowling ball also dramatically split open and Jerry burst out dramatically in his little platypus-sized glider.
You know, I had a platypus named Jerry once. It's a long story of course, but he was nothing like the skilled, suave, slick secret agent Jerry the Platypus that these two boys have as a pet.
However, my nemesis, Perry the Platypus, is quite similar to Jerry the Platypus. What a nice coincidence. Sometimes I wonder how common secret agent platypuses are. They seem to feature quite prominently in my life.
Shoofdenmirtz rushed out to the balcony and waved his fist angrily. "Curse you Jerry the Platypus- wait, I've got it! I'll name it a Whatchamacallit-Ineetor! Well, I guess it's a little late now..."
Meanwhile, in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Candace eagerly dragged her Mom out into the backyard once again, ignoring her incessant protests. Phineas and Ferb had returned to the backyard in the meantime.
"Mom, look at it now!" Candace insisted.
Everyone stared at the invention or a moment. Then, Ferb produced a small part that he was carrying in a bag and placed it on top of the invention.
Blinda seemed to be speechless. "It's... it's..."
Candace was almost unable to contain her excitement."Yes? Yes?"
"It's so beautifully evil!"
"What?!"
"It's even more evil-looking than before! Oh, come here, my sons!" Wiping a tear from her eye, Blinda enveloped her two sons in a hug.
"But Mom, I did this!" Candace exclaimed in frustration and anger. "I made it more evil!"
"Now Candace, taking credit for your brothers' work is not evil," her Mom scolded. "It's just mean. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get you a prescription for 24 hours of continuous video lessons from Emperor Doofenshmirtz, so you can finally learn some evil. If he can't teach you, nobody can, because he is so wonderful and magnificent."
Because Candace was a rebellious teenager, she considered this to be a punishment rather than the generous gift that it was. She didn't realise that there were hundreds of kids even in the Tri-State Area who didn't have enough Doof every day, and that she was here getting a whole 24 hours at once.
"It's not fair!" she huffed, as she stormed back inside the house with her Mom, leaving Phineas and Ferb in the backyard wondering how their invention had been changed.
Poor Candace.I do feel for her, but my hands are tied at the moment. Maybe in a future chapter I can give her a break...
Shortly after Candace left, Isabella walked through the backyard gate, chipper and adorable as ever. "Hey guys!"
"Hey Isabella! Check out what we made for you!"
"Oh thanks! Er, what is it?"
That was when fate decided to step in and the beam fired from the Ineetor struck Phineas right on his abnormally shaped nose.
"Well, it's a whatchamacallit! As you can see, the thingamajig hits the thingamawhatsit and then the doomadiggit travels through the doohickeymagadget... and I think the rest is self-explanatory, right?"
Isabella looked completely confused, as if she'd just seen a second copy of herself stand next to her.
Yup, you guessed it. That 'second copy' thing happened to me once too. It's actually quite a short story... but I'm not going to tell it. Evil!
Phineas was really nervous himself and so he didn't notice how confused Isabella was. "Anyway, it's for you Isabella!"
"Er, thanks. "I'll just take this home then," she said dejectedly as she took the invention out of the backyard.
Phineas had been imagining Isabella's reaction to his evil gift for the whole day, but he didn't expect this. He thought she'd love it and realise he was confessing his love for her! "C'mon Ferb, let's go inside and have dinner," he said sadly.
Isabella too had been imagining what it would be like when Phineas gave her a gift, but she hasn't expected this either! "Well, I guess we'll always have this thingamajig..."
Aw, that's so sad!
N-not that I'm becoming overly sentimental or anything, evil readers! I am still evil right down to my core! It's just that, well, Phineas gave Isabella such a lovely gift and...
You know, I just realised that I've never described the gift he's given her at all! Wow, it just totally slipped my mind! Ok, I'll just...
Wait, I just realised something else... NORM! You used my toothbrush for WHAT?
Well... this toothbrush thing will be a heck of a backstory some day. It explains the weird taste for the past two nights, though...
Where was I? Oh yes, review responses!
To 14AmyChan, thedoraemons7, , EDD17SP, The Dark Lord Duroth, guest [1]: As always, your support is appreciated! Remember to vote for Doof as Emperor so I can enslave you and your loved ones!
To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: It's so lovely to see all the evil positively bursting out of you! It's mostly the, er, crazy psychotic version of evil… but hey! You're brimming with evil potential!
Just keep that Schnitzel person away from me!
To ayahsad167: Wow, those puns were pretty bad, even by my standards! You should see a doctor about them. Or an English professor.
To Laptopwriter22: Hey hey, not just anybody with 15 bucks can get one! I had to take an online course to earn it, and that course wasn't easy, you know!
To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: Me too! Do you collect coins?
To celebi4ever: I know right? I keep trying to tell Vanessa that it's entirely ok for her not to have a boyfriend but she just rolls her eyes and gives me a humph of dissatisfaction. You know, the whole 'whatever' thing.
To Jet Engine: Pft, I'm nothing like Shoofdenmirtz! His name begins with a Sh, while mine starts with a D. Totally different sounds. There are a bunch of other reasons too but this one is more than enough!
To Ryan Stoppable: D-Don't you like my little monologue and comments throughout the story?
To the zapdos: I see you're not a particularly 'evil' reader... However, I am quite flattered by your offer to star on my little Daily Dirt show (although I'm pretty confident that JB will turn up, I did make an offer he can't refuse after all)! Even if you are a giant bird from what I imagine is some hip, cool game that the hip, cool kids play these days. 'Pokemon', was it? I think I'll get that as a gift for my daughter, Vanessa! She'll love it!
Well, I'm glad you're enjoying my little story and that you'll maybe learn the beauty of evil as you keep- wait, what do you mean 'work of satire'?!
PFTones3482: Well I hope the update was worth the wait, and it's always nice to see I'm inspiring a new generation of evil writers! It's totally worth it, you know, evil writing. It's very fulfilling. You know you want to write an evil story. Do it. Doooo it!
Guest [2]: What? Are you insinuating that I've actually stolen content from another fan fic? I am positive I haven't done that, certainly not deliberately! I mean, I just sorta sit down in the evenings and write a chapter when I get a little time. I don't trawl the internet looking for content to steal!
bilaterus: Any similarities to other fanfics is purely coincidental! I'll need to have a look for the part you're talking about.
To Platyman: Wow, that seems like a really great idea! I never noticed the incredibly close similarities that you pointed out! And I'm usually really great at spotting those!
And yes! I'm glad someone understands why I need the JB man himself on my show. I need to increase my popularity with the youth of today if I'm going to smoothly take over the Tri-State Area.
You know, I'm thinking of getting an evil intern. Like Major Monobrow has, only evil... Interested?
bilaterus: Oh Platyman, you could never be the Irving to our P&F. Your reviews are always incredibly insightful and it means a lot to us to know that there's somebody who's not afraid to criticise out there who agrees that we've achieved what we set out to do: write a fanfic of Doof writing a Phinbella story that is funny, true to his character, and also a satirical take on the stereotypical 'bad' authors and stories.
You've got reviewing down to an art and you do indeed make us happy when you appear when least expected and leave a review. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us.
And one more thing before you go, evil readers. As you may have noticed, I have barely made an appearance in the past two chapters of my story! The next update will be a special extended chapter in which I, the glorious Emperor Doofenshmirtz, will appear extensively!
Or it might not be. Evil!
See you readers next time!
Blythe: *bursts in* Hey everybody! What did I miss?!
...h-...hello?