bilaterus: dare you believe what you're seeing? An update? From the Doof?
You probably shouldn't believe your eyes. He is evil, after all.

Hello again, evil readers! Wow, it feels like 7 months and 19 days since I've sat down and written a new chapter!

Now, I can just imagine all of you staring at your screen with those big, hopeful eyes, just thinking to yourself, 'Oh great and wonderful Doof, surely you're going to tell us the reason why it's been so long!' Well, I wasn't going to because the reason is a liittle embarrassing, but the truth is...

Eheh.. this is actually a little difficult. I mean, you're all just anonymous readers, people that I'll never meet in my life (until, you know, I'm ruler of the Tri-State Area, by which time it won't matter) and it's easy to talk about personal things with strangers, right? And what's this weird feeling, guilt? No no, it must be the hot wings I had yesterday. Man, those things are dangerous.

Ok ok, the truth is... I've been watching a lot of documentaries recently.

Hehe... the reason sounds kind of silly now that I've written it down, but it's the truth! Every evening, after my daily bid to take over the Tri-State Area, I settle down with some warm milk (love it!) and watch a documentary on the Discovery Channel, which if you don't know is a channel for old people. Old people and boring people. And I am certainly not boring. Or old.

Well, I'm not that old. Unless you believe my daughter when she says (totally sarcastically) 'Dad, you're way too old for that!' comments whenever I try 'getting down' on the dance floor or watching Disney movies.

Anyway, despite everything, some of the documentaries are actually quite interesting! I saw one on knitting the other day. It wasn't evil knitting, but I still picked up a useful tip or two.

What? Young people knit too, really!

I also watched a documentary about ocelots. Man, that took me back to my childhood. So many happy memories... in fact, I'm sure I saw my ocelot mother in the show too. She was being chased by a large group of people, with hunting equipment. That can only mean that... she has a lot of fans! And as her adopted child, it means I'll have a lot of fans some day! It's practically my destiny to take over the Tri-State Area!

Ah, that was the best documentary. The one about platypuses was terrible, though. Honestly, not a single mention of their suave secret agent skills, or their unstoppable dynamic fury, or their penchant for dashing fedoras! The entire show was just 'oh, platypuses don't do much, except lie around and eat sandwiches' with a bunch of shots of a platypus lying around while eating a sandwich.

And as the incident with a sandwich-inator proved, platypuses are NOT weak to sandwiches.

But wait! The worst is yet to come! One documentary was called "The Great Mayor of Danville", and guess who it was about? Roger. My perfect goody-two-shoes brother.

And he's only been mayor for one year, what's up with that!

The whole thing was just a montage of all the 'great things' he's done for 'the community' and 'how many babies he's kissed lovingly on the forehead'. Well, he's not so great. How many inators has he built? How many uprisings has he had against his rule? How many evil laws has he passed? That's right, none!

And they call him the greatest mayor! When I get power, I'll show everyone what a great ruler truly looks like! That'll show Roger... and mother...

Whew, sorry about that, evil readers. I really despise my brother... back to the regularly scheduled typewriting!

Now, Vanessa is here and she wanted to watch something on the TV, so that's why I've got a chance to update tonight! I'm going to be trying something different this time, so hold on to your devices!

Candace was upset. Her mother had forced her to watch a documentary on evil by their ruler, something which Candace considered a punishment.

"Stupid brothers," she sighed, as she slumped down on the living room sofa, documentary already loaded on the TV. "If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have to do this!"

Phineas and Ferb then rushed into the room at that exact moment, as if they were characters on a TV show entering on cue. "Oh cool, a lesson on evil by our exalted and intelligent leader!" Phineas exclaimed. "Can we watch it with you, Candace?"

Clearly they were mocking her. "No. Now scram!" Candace said, pointing towards the door.

"Ok then, see ya later," Phineas said. He and Ferb then left the room as if they were characters on a TV show and their brief cameo had just ended.

Candace sighed. "Might as well get this over with." She pushed play on the remote, and the documentary began.

"Hello there!" The smiling figure of their magnanimous leader Heinz Doofenshmirtz swam onto the screen, clad in ornate regal attire befitting his might as the king of the Tri-State Area. "I am your unquestionable evil overlord, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and I'm here to enhance your evil instincts!"

I've just realised that I'm writing my own character giving a talk about evil on TV to another character in my own story. So meta!

"Now, having an evil mind is very important," Heinz continued, walking across the platform that had appeared around him. "Many important daily activities require a heart that is motivated by evildoing. For example, littering, taking candy from a baby, and disintervaporating people who eat loud snacks during movies, are all enjoyable things you can do on a day to day basis which you need an evil mind for! And these things are what we're discussing for part 1 of the 47 parts we'll be going through in this video."

"47 parts?!" Candace groaned, slumping back on the couch. She was having trouble getting into the documentary.

There will be 2 parts in this chapter. The last 45 parts are basically glorifying a certain 'Heinz Doofenshmirtz' (wink wink) and explaining what I would do as Supreme Ruler of the Tri-State Area. I've already written them, because I got bored last night when I was waiting for those hot wings to arrive. But I don't have enough space to write them here, so I'm going to put them on my MySpace account instead, where it's sure to be seen and supported by so many people that they'll have to give me ownership of the Tri-State Area!

"Now, we're going to need a random volunteer," Heinz continued on the screen. Suddenly, a swivel chair appeared, and a very confused Roger Doofenshmirtz sat in it, his arms and legs tied tightly to the

"Hello there, random guest! Congratulations on volunteering!"

"But Heinz, I'm your brother," Roger protested. "And I didn't volunteer for anything! What exactly is going on-"

"Now, evil viewers, tying up a random stranger and forcing him to volunteer against his will in a 24-hour documentary is highly advanced evil, so don't try this at home!" Heinz continued, as if he was deaf to the protests of his brother. "Now, in this segment, we'll be practising some evil insults. For example…" Heinz turned to face Roger, grinning in anticipation as Roger looked back up fearfully.

"Your gardening stinks!" Heinz declared flamboyantly. "And nobody cares about your kickball skills!"

Roger gasped. "No! It can't be true!"

"You would NOT make an excellent mayor, your life is NOT way better than mine, and you're NOT perfect in every way!"

"I...I..."

"And finally, evil viewers, you finish them off with a stab to the heart!" He turned once more to his brother and finished with, "Mother thinks you're a disgrace to the Doofenshmirtz name!"

Haha! So evil, I love this chapter! And actually, evil readers, that's some good advice on how to insult people. You can have that free of charge.

"Now, evil viewers," Doofenshmirtz said, paying no notice of his brother's sobbing. "Try out what you've just learned by finding someone you know and giving them a good evil insult! Well, see you after the break!" Having said that, he leaned back on an unusually shaped couch and began chatting to someone inaudibly while the camera panned out and soft music played, exactly like how those 80's talk shows went to commercial.

Candace groaned. "Urgh, might as well try it," she mumbled, dragging herself off the sofa.

"Hey Mom," she moaned, dragging her feet as she entered the kitchen where her Mom was cooking. "I need to tell you something."

Blinda turned to face Candace, a wooden spoon practically dripping sauce in her hand. "Alright, but make it quick. I'm making dinner for my favourite children."

"Ok ok, erm," Candace scrunched up her face, trying to come up with the most evil insult she could muster. "Aha! Mom, you're as thin as a stick!"

Blinda's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah! In fact, if you were any thinner, you'd disappear!" she taunted, in as mocking a tone as she could muster.

Haha! Candace thought sinisterly. This evil insult stuff is easy! I'll be eviller than my brothers in no time!

"Aww, thank you, my dear!" Blinda gushed, rushing over to her daughter and enveloping her in a hug. "It's so nice to be complimented in such a kind manner!" She then released Candace and went back to stirring the pot which was bubbling away on the stove. "Of course, the boys compliment me far more regularly and nicely than you do, so I still love them more. Now I need to concentrate on my cooking, so go back to your lessons in evil."

Candace hung her head in dejection. I thought I was making progress! But maybe I should just give up... She slumped back dejectedly into the sofa and, after a dejected moan, dragged her hand over the 'play' button on the remote.

What I'm saying, evil readers, is that Candace is feeling REALLY bad right now. Just making sure you get that.

But even as I write this, I feel like I'm describing my daughter Vanessa's attitude while she' staying with me! Does that mean there's something making her feel down all the time, right under my nose, without me even noticing? There's only one possible thing for me to do… check her diary again when I get a chance, to see what's been bothering her recently.

"And we're back!" Doofenshmirtz proudly and gloriously declared on the TV screen. "Hopefully your evil insults went well. Now we're going to go through more evil scenarios… but with a twist! It's going to be done in song!"

And all of a sudden, Doofenshmirtz was wearing brightly coloured clothes and an entire entourage of dancers appeared as if from nowhere, gentle music playing in the background. And Doofenshmirtz began to sing to the tune of 'Dancing in the Sunshine', with the backup singers joining in at the relevant places:

Not replacing milk you've drunk
(Evil in the day-time)
Never sharing the top bunk
Gettin' someone's laundry shrunk

Kicking over garbage cans
(Evil in the night-time)
Writing things in comic sans
Making memes your friends can't stand

Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the day-time
Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the night-time

Ding-dong-ditching old folk's homes
(Evil in the day-time)
Modifying chromosomes
Stealing peoples' garden gnomes

Getting insects everywhere
(Evil in the night-time)
Giving all your friends a scare
By dressing up just like a bear

Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the day-time
Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the night-time
Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the day-time
Woa-oh-oh-oh, evil in the night-time...

As the song concluded, Candace suddenly leapt up off the sofa. "Wow, there's so much evil for me to do!" she exclaimed enthusiastically. "I feel a lot better now, and it's all thanks to Emperor Doofenshmirtz! Starting now, I'm going to be as evil as I can possibly be!"

"Right after you watch the other 45 parts!" Blinda shouted from inside the kitchen.

"Right after I watch the other 45 parts," Candace repeated, slumping down once again on the sofa.

Now to respond to all of your reviews! That is, if since last time you haven't all already gotten turned into one of those old folks that can barely remember their own name, let alone what they said before.

To Ryan Stoppable, miamigirl, Guest, LaptopWriter22, Jet Engine, EDD17SP, celebi4ever, Viscount Edmund Allenby, 14AmyChan:Thanks for the reviews! And remember, when the next election comes around, you know who to vote for: the guy with two thumbs and a building full of inators!

To ThePro-LifeCatholic: I've just been reading fanfiction about Phineas and Ferb. I'd watch them on TV, but I don't have the channel.

Wait, what do you mean I'm at the mercy of sick, twisted, evil fangirls?

To ayahsad167: Wow, what a punomenal number of puns! Honestly, I am genuinely impressed by that little pun poem you had going on there. When I make ruler of the Tri-State Area, I'm going to hire you to do my evil broadcasting work. You'll be a hit on radio, I'm sure.
I see that you enjoyed Norm's little ramble. And really, if I had a dollar every time I used my own toothbrush after it had been used for cleaning purposes by a humanoid robot, I'd have 3 dollars! So after the second time... it's still horrible, but, you know, not intolerable.

To Kale Bishop: I know I wasn't in the last chapter at all, but I featured heavily in this one, so all the evil balances out.
Everything I know about teenagers I've mostly pieced together from my daughter Vanessa, and bits and pieces from the internet. It's a real relief to hear it's accurate, really. Everything I know about biker gangs I've also pieced from the internet and, woo boy, that's a painful backstory there.
As usual, it fills me with glee to see I have inspired evil in my readers! Once you write this evil story you mentioned, please send it to me through the internet, I'm sure you'll figure out how.

To HeinzDoofenshmirtz: Now I know all about you… and you know all about me!

To Galaxina-the-Seedrian: Hopefully this was soon enough for you!
Schnitzel can't hurt anyone, you say? She sounds pretty dangerous to me! But if you're sure, then I won't take any precautionary measures…
ARGH! BEHIND YOU!
… I realise that this response is now wildly late, and you may have been knocked unconscious all those months ago only to be woken up in some strange, unknown land, like, New Orleans, or something. Still, hopefully you're still well enough to vote for me as evil emperor!

To chronofall: As you can see, I slipped in a little song in this chapter, to the tune of one of my favourites. It was quite fun, actually. Reminds me of my college days.

To ficklepickle7: Jerry the Platypus actually looks totally different to Perry the Platypus. All platypuses look wildly different from each other, trust me.

To phinbellamaria101: H-Hey! I am totally hip and cool! You just don't know me all that well! And the fact that Vanessa says it too is totally a coincidence. I'm sure Perry the Platypus thinks I'm cool.
Robot brains are expensive. Alimony cheques don't grow on trees, you know!
Woah woah woah, blackmailing me into compromising my artistic integrity by threatening to betray one of my most hidden secrets? That's so evil! I'm feeling such an odd mixture of pride and mortal terror…
Ok, I give in. The next chapter will involve what you put in your review. (But I'm not really going to. Evil!)

To AgentB anonymous: My evil has yet to affect you, eh? Well, give it time. Nobody can resist the allure of true evil forever. Soon you will crawl to me, begging for any evil advice and assistance I could give you, or you will become one of my helpless fans who will be unable to rest until I take my rightful place as ruler of the Tri-State Area!
Or, you know, you could be irrevocably in love with Perry the Platypus, in which case you'd never defect to evil for your whole life.
Now I will be the first to tell you that Perry the Platypus is a brilliant agent with mastery of the arts of stealth and cunning (man, I swear that platypus has an invisibility cloak or something, seriously). After all, he is MY nemesis, and everybody knows that a person can be judged by the strength of his nemesis. I'm 100% confident that if I had any other nemesis, I'd be ruler of the Tri-State Area in no time!

To Platyman: Ah, tough break, man. Don't worry, once I take over the Tri-State Area and force the OWCA to swear an oath of loyalty to me, I'll arrange for you to start your internship with me properly. Who knows, you could be like the son I never had!
Phew, Norm didn't hear me for once.
Speaking of Norm, you definitely cannot have him! I mean, the shipping costs alone would be extortionate, and there would be far too much effort involved, red tape and paperwork to go through… yeah, I totally think it's easier for me to just, you know, put up with Norm. I mean, he is good for nothing, but it's not like I HATE having him around…
Anyway, you mentioned an autobiography? That's the last thing on my mind! After all, I barely have time these days in between evil schemes and such to update this story, let alone write an entire book! Plus, I'm not at all proud of my childhood in the first place, and so I'm pretty sure putting out an autobiography would make me a laughing stock. Which, ironically, would take me back to my childhood days.
Now, if writing an autobiography would count as hours for community service, then I'd definitely consider it, but for now I'm going to stick to my plan of commissioning someone to write a, ahem, 'slightly glorified' version of my past, in order to ensure the true nature of my past and my epic rise to power is properly captured. I'll call it, "Surely You're Joking, Dr. Doofenshmirtz!" It's going to be a bestseller.
bilaterus: Ok, you're our Irving. I'm fine with that.
Since this fic aims to make the reader laugh, and offer a window into the life of Doof and those around him, your confirmation that we hit those targets was relieving to see. I know I certainly want to read and write the same kind of thing as you so that's why I appreciate your comments and criticisms. As in, you should totally leave more, not holding back. Hint hint. Not being able to respond to them conveniently is a real shame, but I hope your job search is going well.

To the zapdos: Yeah, I guess the self-destruct button was that low. After all, Shoofdenmirtz isn't a brilliant, sinister evil scientist like I am. Plus, you know, I needed it there for the plot.
I did try being good once. Got in with the OWCA agency. But that's where I realised evil is my true calling after all! And not just part-time, piecewise evil, no: I have to be full-on 100% on top of my evil game all the time, with no let-up! True, it does get tiring sometimes, but the results will definitely be better than any measly good actions I could perform.
Hm, Dr. XD… that's not some kind of internet in-joke, is it? Otherwise, I like it!

To VanessaUltimateFanGirl: If I had a dollar every time I used my own toothbrush after it had been used for cleaning purposes by a humanoid robot, I'd have 3 dollars! ...It's a long story.

To LemonYellowCoat: A fellow sauerkraut hater!

To imadork121: Nah, Norm has plenty of fun counting the number of tiles there are in the building. And, well, Norm is a good for nothing, but it's not like I HATE having him around… I feel better leaving him the way he is.

And before you type in review form all about how you love me and my glorious story, evil readers, I want you to know I have an even more deliciously evil and special chapter planned for next time.

Yes, I think that counts as a cliffhanger! Stay evil!