As you go through life you'll see there is so much that we don't understand
And the only thing we know is things don't always go the way we plan
But you'll see everyday that we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams come undone
We will stand by your side, filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more than we are, we are one
'We are one' by Marty Panzer & Mark Feldman. The Lion King II
Hans tied the sash around his waist and looked at himself in the mirror, flooded by a surreal feeling of being dressed in Arandelle's customs rather than his country's. He straightened the navy blue vest and eyed the lonely snowflake embroidery that decorated his chest. He'd recognized it from a medallion around both Kristoff and his reindeer's necks.
The crest of the Snow Queen of Arandelle.
He wanted to either tear it off the clothes or caress it with his fingertips. He'd spent the last weeks since their little sincerity outburst straining his brain to straighten up the contradiction of his feelings on Elsa's actions towards him. On one side there was deep, deep despise for her weakness. A Queen should not let petty reasons such as sentiment stop her from keeping her family and her Kingdom safe –and he was a hazard, she knew that full well or if she didn't she was much a bigger fool than he'd initially thought- and on the other side was a profound admiration. Because submerged as she was in such a bloody, filthy and dark world such as politics, and faced against the great monsters of this world, she remained just as shimmering and immaculate as she had always been. How could she be so weak and yet so strong? The door opened without warning, making Hans start. Kai came in and closed the door, not even bothering to try and hide his smirk. He knew his entering the room without knocking got on Hans nerves, and that was likely the reason he always did it. He scrutinized the clothes, a business-like expression replacing his mirth.
"I see they fit you nicely" he said, straightening the sash the tiniest bit.
"I won't argue on that" Hans said, still inspecting his image. He was still too thin to appear healthy,his reddish hair was longer than he'd ever allowed it to be, the elbow-length sleeves didn't completely cover the scars and markings he'd gotten as a permanent reminder of his time as a prisoner, but taking in account he wasn't a prince anymore but a refugee he still looked quite dashing "But while we're on it, can you tell me why I'm getting new clothes?" Kai told him what he knew, which was more than Hans had expected him to but not quite enough. Apparently, both Elsa and Kristoff had been putting their heads together on his case for the past weeks so it was likely they had finally come up with something worth trying.
"And do you have any idea of what that might be?" Hans pressed. Kai shrugged nonchalantly; the door opening prevented further questions, and who would be standing there but Princess Anna. Her eyes swept the room and fixated on Hans, who despite feeling more than a little wary of her feigned calm. She looked like she had to physically restrain herself from running to him and punching him straight in the face again. She took a deep breath.
"You" she pointed at him and then the hallway behind her in what intended to be an intimidating, brusque manner. Hans glanced at Kai uneasily, but the servant seemed immensely concentrated in doing his bed. Clearly he wasn't going to get any help from him, so he obeyed and stepped out of the room, cautiously eyeing her in case the urge of mauling him became overwhelming. He knew that in his position, should Anna decide to go berserk on him, he wouldn't even get the chance to raise a hand to defend himself without everyone assuming he'd started it, but he wanted to at least spare his face another punch if he could. She motioned for him to follow her with a jerk of her head and started walking, her skirts flowing with every step. Hans followed her, always silent.
He had been following her almost mindlessly for a few minutes when she finally dignified him with a sentence. "They actually do believe you can get better"
He needn't ask who Anna meant.
"It would seem so" he confirmed mildly.
She remained silent for a while, the only sound in the hall being their steps, before continuing.
"I almost wish I could be that optimistic on the matter"
'So do I´ Hans almost said. He bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself for doing so.
"What are you up to, Hans?" she asked, half turning to him, and had not the fire in her eyes betrayed her, he could have sworn she was calm. He allowed himself a weak smirk.
"What makes you think I'm up to something? In fact, what makes you think I'd tell you if I were?"
She frowned and looked straight ahead again.
"You'd do well in remembering this" she made a mild motion to her surroundings "Is all you've got left in the world. Elsa and Kristoff…and me too, I guess, because anything that involves those dear to me involves me" It was his turn to frown, because she was right and that thought had been tormenting him for the past weeks. That the people he'd been so close to having under his boot were now his only links to humanity, the notion itself made his stomach churn in humiliation. He was almost tempted to think that had he known that would be the prize of being freed from his tormentors; he would have gladly stayed in captivity. But no, that was merely a comforting lie he told himself to mask the fact that he was, in fact, thankful for his relative freedom.
"Believe me, I do. At every waking moment"
"Oh, did you expect me to sweet-talk you and feel sorry for you?" Anna mocked dryly "I see no reason to. You got what was coming to you" she made a halt and waved her hands, correcting herself "—or, wait, no, no, because no one deserves slavery, but getting your ass kicked? If anyone deserved that, it was you" she huffed, regaining her step "I guess in any other case I would have contented with what you've suffered so far, but how can I even start forgiving someone who doesn't look one bit sorry for what he's done?"
"You don't" he replied curtly. She was right about not being sorry at all. He wasn't. If he was sorry about anything, it was about not having made sure she was dead and stiff before leaving the room where she was (His own inability to stomach the idea was to blame. He had danced with her and arrived to Arandelle with the firm idea of marrying her, after all) or of having taken his wicked time to swing the sword for Elsa while she was down instead of doing so quickly. But of course, how could anyone raised on the same naïve concepts of kindness and nobility ever understand? How could anyone with no further ambitions than finding love understand the kind of despair, of hopelessness it took to seize any chance, any chance at all to find something better?
'Except she does. Well, back then she did, and precisely because she just wanted to love someone and feel loved back with the same despair you wanted your own place. She did, after all, accept the marriage proposal from a guy she'd known for…what, three hours straight? Anything that would kill her loneliness. Anything that would kill mine'
But marrying off in a rush and killing someone simply was not on the same line and he would have been lying to himself had he dared to pretend he didn't realize that.
"I can only be glad things are the way they are, then" Anna stated, somehow tiredly "Because if we can't trust in your gratitude or even humanity to prevent you from stabbing us in the back, we can at least trust your sense of self-preservation to do the job. You can thank Elsa for not having been stabbed in your sleep while you were ill and helpless..." her voice trailed off into a whisper and he had to hurry his step and move his head closer to her to hear what she was saying, her eyes scanning the hallways as if expecting spies on every corner "And believe me, there were attempts. We knew the people didn't remember you very fondly but not many have the resources to hire an assassin, so it would appear nobility doesn't either. Elsa doubled the guards and went as far as keeping watch inside your room after the third attempt on your life. You owe her your life in more than one sense"
Hans blinked, his brow furrowed. The time of his illlness was blurry in his mind but he did remember there came a moment where he couldn't open his eyes without catching a glimpse of white skin and blue fabric and platinum hair in his room. That woman! Whatever had posessed her to do that? He was no stranger to royal assassinations, and he knew how often they could go wrong for whoever tried to interfere in them. The hacks often hired for the job didn't particularly mind getting rid of the obstacles with lethal force.
'Be that obstacle a woman, or a Queen or a mother...'
He gritted his teeth and pushed the thought aside. Of course, Elsa had means to defend herself pretty well and he knew it, surely she had never been in real danger. Anna had trailed off into silence as they walked, once again filling the empty halls with just the sound of their steps.
"What are you up to, Hans?"
The question repeated itself inside his head, because only then had he come to realize he was, for the first time in forever, up to nothing in particular. Whether he could take advantage of his situation or not, whether he could escape it or negotiate it or end it, it hadn't even crossed his mind. The apathy he'd fallen victim of during the worst part of his illness had receded enough to allow him to function, but it still lay within him, ready to spring and entrap him like quicksand. He was fighting, always fighting, to the point of exhaustion which left him unable to even trying to come up with a plan for the future, even the simplest one, and even trying made him feel mildly asphyxiated. For the moment, he contented with running with the flow, allowing himself occasional and humble pleasures such as getting on Elsa's nerves with either his smugness or inappropriate comments (A pleasure he sometimes paid with a while under a pile of snow or a wave of chilly air that made him shiver like a newborn puppy, but hell, it was well worth it) and his everyday rides around the hills. But apart from that, he felt like he was drifting among the days, going with the flow. He had come to the conclusion that the void he felt was as close as he would ever get to inner peace.
As they approached an important-looking door, Anna came to a sudden halt, forcing him to camber to avoid colliding with her. Her head was slightly lowered in what seemed pensiveness.
"Listen up" she said, her tone surprisingly calm but with an edge he had never heard on her "I'm taking a chance here and assuming you do have a heart instead of that frozen thing sitting in your chest, but…listen, Hans. If you have the tiniest bit of care towards Elsa…if you have the tiniest bit of gratitude for what she's done for you, just…just do this one thing for her, OK?"
He was immediately on guard, eyeing her with a furrowed brow. Of course they wanted something, after all!
"What?"
Anna turned to him, eyes aflame but full of plea.
"Please don't let her down" she all but croaked. All snarky answers he could have given her died in his lips in testimony of the raw, fierce and sincere love in Anna's eyes and an unexpected and unidentifiable pang of displeasure prickled him. He made what could have very well passed for a pout, if not for the tortured gleam of his eyes. Because the love in her eyes told him she was ready to do worse than just punch him if he so much as touched a hair on Elsa's head with an ill intention, but she was all but begging him not to make her break her sister's hopes. And though he had no real reason to do so, nor the intention to, he was suddenly positive that was what he was going to do.
'Don't ask that kind of thing of me, oh, please don't expect anything from me, I have disappointed everyone who's ever expected greatness from me and that includes myself'
But she was waiting for an answer and he was not about to start telling her the truth.
"I'll see what I can do" he muttered, his mouth dry. Inwardly cringing at the thought of having said the same to her sister while already arranging ideas in his head to kill her and make it seem like there was no other choice.
'In my head there really was no other choice back then. What I wanted was just a breath away from me, and all I had to do was grasp it'
His stomach churned in what he barely dared to identify as fear. Was it a lie that he didn't regret his actions, then? Not only that, but the fact that it was had passed unnoticed even to him? Had he gotten so good at lying that truth had become invisible to him?
Anna studied him for a moment, narrowing her eyes, as if squinting at a blurry picture. "Hold it..." she whispered, and then her eyebrows rose, framing her surprised, wide eyes and she studied him whole, as if looking at him for the first time.
"What?" he asked, scowling. He didn't like being scrutinized, it made him feel exposed despite the fact that he knew how to hide his weaknesses pretty well. But she had already turned and reached for the handle to open the door, motioning for him to follow her before entering. He did so, trying to mask his inner turmoil.
Inside, Elsa was sitting on her desk, scribbling away.
"I do hope both of you were sensible enough not to start a fight in the hallways" she greeted, an eyebrow cocked.
Hans and Anna exchanged a glance.
"What would have been the point? She would have left me unconscious in a second" Hans declared with a half-smirk.
"And you better remember that" Anna muttered, holding back a smile. Hans realized –with unsettling fondness- he knew the gesture because Elsa often did a very similar one.
"Glad to hear that…I guess" Elsa said, not without uneasiness "Now, Hans, you surely wonder the reason why you were brought here"
"Wasn't that just to give Anna the chance to sucker-punch me?" he retorted. Elsa moved her head impatiently and returned to scribble in her papers.
"No. I am granting you a citizenship"
Both Hans's and Anna's jaws dropped.
"What?"
"WHAT?" Anna squeaked "WHY?"
"Yes, why?"
"You will need it for your new job" Elsa replied, seemingly not noticing the effect her words had on her audience.
"New job?"
"HUH?"
"The new clothes are to inform the castle staff and the citizens of your new rank"
"New rank?" Hans repeated, wondering whether the Queen was playing a rather tasteless joke on him.
"Wait, wait, WAIT!" Anna squeaked, making a T with both hands "Elsa, I'm sorry but I really don't get one word of what you just said. Slow down, rewind, explain"
Elsa looked up, stared for a second and let out a comprehensive 'Oh' before putting down the pen and crossing her fingers over the table.
"Both of you take a seat and allow me to explain" she said, they obeyed, Anna taking a seat next to her sister and Hans across the desk "Um, goodness, I'll try to keep this simple. You see, during the past weeks, Kristoff has been giving me reports of Hans's improvement" she turned to him "It would appear you told the truth about being rather skilled in horseback riding" Hans shot her a playfully petulant smirk. "What you forgot to tell us was you are also very skilled in the care of horses. The horse I put under your care has gone through a visible transformation, and for the better I may add. It had never looked healthier, in my opinion"
At this, Hans eyed her, unsure. Well, how did they expect horses to develop to their fullest when they kept feeding them all the same things and rations without a care for their size or special needs? He'd had a go or two about that with the head stable-hand, but the boy (Who, by the way, looked like he was younger than most horses in the stable) had shrugged and ignored him. Clearly he didn't particularly care about the animals in his care. So Hans had taken matters in his own hands with his horse, but did that make him skilled? It had just been a matter of using his head.
"So Kristoff suggested I employed you for the training and care of the royal horses and I agreed" Elsa finished, seeming incredibly pleased with herself, which annoyed him.
"There is a minor detail you might have missed" he said "What if I don't want to?"
She countered with a knowing smile and a raised eyebrow.
"Don't you?"
He twisted his mouth, brow furrowed, because she had him on that one. Truth be told, it wasn't an unattractive perspective. He liked horses, he always had, and sitting around in his room for more than half of the day was slowly but surely driving him insane. Having something to do during the day, and something he could do and he enjoyed doing was something he simply hadn't thought would be possible. It was too good a chance to miss.
"Hold it, wait!" Anna interrupted, having held herself back for the most of their conversation "Not that I don't trust Hans, but…wait, no, that's exactly it, I don't trust him. What if he tries to grab one of the horses and escape?"
He dignified that with an answer after a short pause. He'd forgotten Anna lacked Elsa's insight.
'Rather, her insight of me'
"Where to?" he replied, turning to her with a bitter smile. Both sisters squirmed on their seats, uncomfortable. He did have a point on that, even if he could run away, he had no money or idea of where he could lead to, and even if he took the risk of riding aimlessly until he found another place to begin anew, the sole idea seemed foolish. He could run away from them but it wouldn't change a thing about his situation.
'Besides, being here it's not so bad, I guess' he thought, turning to Elsa again.
"Also, Anna, winter is about to start" Elsa continued, somehow hurriedly "Not only does this mean the surrounding mountains will be almost literally impossible to cross; in Kristoff's line of work, it means vacation and he agreed to keep an eye on Hans for our tranquility"
"Isn't that what guards are for, though?" Anna said, slightly sulky, Elsa reached out to place her hand on her sister's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I didn't think...I'm sure you must have been looking forward to spending time with him, Anna, I'm so sorry..."
"No, no, I get it, this guy's a jerk and they might lose what little patience they have and kill him, so Kristoff's the safest choice" Anna hurriedly said, despite still looking slightly sulky. Hans bit back a comment on how, in Kritoff's case, he wasn't sure who was trying whose patience, but it seemed to be somewhere along the middle line.
"Give me some time, I will find someone else to take on the task for a few hours each day so Kristoff and you get some time to yourselves" Elsa promised. Anna smiled mischievously.
"I'll have to content with your company until you do, then!" she giggled, throwing herself towards her sister to catch her into what seemed to be a bone-crushing hug, Elsa tipped slightly to one side, almost falling off her chair, but smiling radiantly all the same. Hans's caught the same thick displeasure from before creeping up on him at the image and had to look away, pretending to be fascinated by the room's tapestry.
And it dawned on him that he was simply resenting the sight of how much these sisters loved each other.
'No. That's ridiculous'
Except it wasn't. Putting it simply, he was envious.
The knowledge that Anna would have given her life just to stop him from killing her sister while none of his twelve brothers had so much as uttered a word in his defense when his father decided to give him away as a slave; the knowledge that Elsa, despite everything thought to be wrong with her and her great flaws and her naivety and her mortally strong power that she didn't quite completely control, had friends and the crown and a family, that she had everything he'd ever aspired to, only to have it dangled right in front of his nose before losing sight of it forever…was being rubbed on his face, or so it felt like.
'All the better for me, though, because these are weaknesses I can't allow myself. I don't need anyone. I don't need friendship or fraternal love, I have fended without them so far and I can do so until the end. I don't need it. I certainly didn't need it back when I had any chance of getting it, there is no way I started needing it now that it's completely out of my reach'
And yet his fists were tight over his knees.
Hans's new position and brand new citizenship was announced the next day and he got to work immediately. He knew doing what he had done with the horse put under his care with the rest of the horses wasn't really as hard as it sounded (at least not to him) but he did need to know all of the horses to be able to do so, so by the break of dawn he started riding them and examining them, one by one.
Thirty-something horses and lots of hours later, Kristoff came to find him, Sven's and Hans's horse's reins in his hands.
"Ready for the rematch?" Kristoff asked, pushing the horse's reins into his fingers. Hans rubbed his eyes and handed them back. Kristoff had been demanding rematches like there was no tomorrow ever since he'd first defeated him on a race and that had been days ago.
"I'm working" he replied curtly.
"You've been working all day" Kristoff insisted "You need a break and I want a rematch"
"I want to finish this by today"
"You won't. Trust me, it keeps getting harder to keep it up. It happens with ice too, after the fourth hour in a row everything starts to get blurry and numbers don't add up like they should anymore. Taking a break helps…unless you're willing to accept your victories were just luck"
Hans sighed and threw him an amused glance. "You really want that rematch, don't you?" Kristoff shrugged unapologetically and handed him the reins again.
After a week of almost non-interrupted work (Almost. Because Kristoff kept coming for a rematch in the afternoon) Hans caught himself waking with the feeling that his extremities were full of lead and an odd, heavy feeling to his head. And despite the fact that it worried him (Hell, he'd been an inch away from death not a month ago, of course it worried him) he told no one and worked the day away, ignoring the fact that the sunlight hurt his eyes, his throat was slightly soar and even the tiniest efforts had him panting and covered in sweat in no time. He was close to lose to Kristoff in their afternoon race and his rival somehow uneasily asked him whether he was OK.
"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were worried about me" Hans mockingly said, rubbing the salty sweat off his eyes. Kristoff rolled his eyes.
"Don't make it weird, sideburns, I'm just saying you don't look so well today"
"I'm fine" Hans chuckled out of his sore throat.
Kristoff didn't insist.
That afternoon, Hans entered his room and was surprisingly enough greeted by a rather unhappy-looking Queen Elsa.
"Oh, brother, what did I do this time?" he grumbled, throwing himself face-first onto the bed. There was an odd pressure inside his head and his own breath felt uncomfortably warm in his throat. Elsa mumbled something he didn't catch, so he tipped his head to the side to look at her. "Come again?"
"Kristoff tells me you might be pushing yourself too hard"
He took a moment to digest the fact that Kristoff had in fact been worried, and worried enough to go to Elsa about his thoughts before replying
"Well, I can't just sit put all day anymore. You gave me a job, remember?"
"Are you tired?"
"Are your hands cold?" he retorted, sarcastically. She heard her stifle a gasp and a whoosh of icy wind licked at his back, making him squirm and roll off the bed.
'Still worth it'
"Not quite as tired, it seems" she continued, not noticing.
"I'm never tired for you, my Queen" he wheezed from the ground. She let out a groan.
"Will you ever get tired of that kind of distasteful behavior?"
"Not likely" he replied, getting to his feet, ignoring the soreness of his body "It's the most fun I have these days" She gave a sigh.
"I was asking you an honest question, Hans, all I ask is for you to reply properly"
He breathed out and eyed her, briefly considering telling her about the unnerving soreness of his body.
'Well, to what purpose? Do you honestly think she cares?'
'She is asking, therefore she must care'
'Or she feels obligated to do so because of Kristoff's comments. Let's not forget this is Queen Elsa goody-two shoes, for Goodness sake'
"I'm fine" he finally conceded. She threw him a tired half-glare and this prompted him to continue "And what do you care, anyway?'
"You are one of us now, Hans, like it or not we are going to be looking out for you" she cringed slightly after the words left her mouth, as if sorry she'd said them. A pause came, as awkward as the ones the past weeks had held for them. She'd never really stopped visiting him after his afternoon rides, but the visits had become something close to obligation, and she was close to being a disaster when it came to conversation that didn't include the impersonal forms of diplomacy; it seemed as though the last outburst of sincerity had dried them both up of their communication capacities. So they had the kind of mindless conversation people had when they didn't know what to say but couldn't stay silent. It became harder by the minute to find something unimportant to talk about.
'And avoid saying something sensible' Hans thought.
Despite this, he had been able to learn a bit more about the Queen, given his observation and deduction skills, an ability he'd been proud of most of his life. He'd been extremely careful as to not let the fact that he was analyzing her show. She could grow wary of him if she realized, and with good reason.
"...well, I—"Elsa started hurriedly.
"I want to take a bath so—" Hans shifted his weight, uncomfortable. He hadn't even noticed how anxious her outburst had made him until then.
"Yes. Yes, certainly, you would need it after—"
"Yeah, I've been working all day in the stables so..."
"I should probably—"
"You should, yeah"
Elsa hurried to the door and grabbed the handle, but stopped right before turning it.
"Hans, just—" her shoulders raised defensively, as if preparing for a blow, but she didn't turn to see him "Just…don't push yourself too hard. Take...take care of yourself"
And she all but ran away from the room. Hans looked at the thin layer of ice she'd left in her tracks and huffed, brushing back the bangs form his face.
"You are one of us now" his mind echoed. He couldn't help but think that was just empty wording. He knew how it worked, he was one of them until he screwed up again or until they stopped wanting something from him. And then he'd be part of nothing again.
Sometimes knowing how things worked really sucked.
"It's just a slight fever relapse, nothing to really worry about" the Doctor assured.
Elsa drummed her fingers over her arm nervously. The floor under her feet was covered with a thin layer of frost.
"Are you sure about that?" she inquired, half-turning to look at Hans, still asleep on the bed, a small bandage fastened to his forehead where his head had bumped against the floor. She had once read infections had the trend of coming back again and again, so when Kristoff stormed into her study an hour or two earlier, telling her how Hans had all but fainted at the stables with a fever so high it was surprising he'd even left bed that morning, her first thought was that the infection had come back.
"They are common with infections, but rarely worsen. I was more worried about his fall from the horse" the Doctor continued "But it seems he's got quite the hard constitution, he got away with bruises and scratches. He'll just need to stay in bed for the rest of the day and take it easy on his routine for a few days, you needn't worry"
"Good" Elsa said, taking a deep breath, but the ice in the floor around her feet simply refused to leave.
'I am going to kill him for making me worry'
A line of spikes formed in the sheet of ice as she flinched.
'Wait, what?'
Hans would have been lying had he tried to pretend the fact of laying in bed for most of the day had bothered him, his body did ache something horrible, but he was slightly put off by what his relapse seemed to had done for his interactions with other people. Kristoff dropped by his bedside for a few minutes with what, in any other circumstances, would have passed as friendly concern and casually dropped some advise as to how to deal with bumps in his head and generaly weakness; Anna had followed soon after her beloved left, bringing him a tray with water and some soup and then running as if for dear life. Kai arrived soon after and helped him sit up and eat the soup, patiently waiting when nausea made Hans stop eating and push a hand against his lips. Gerda had brought him a cup of heavily-scented infusion and helped him drinking it down. Hell, even the guard he'd called monkey had peeked inside his room at some point, as if checking on him.
Hadn't it been so baffling, it would have been touching.
Elsa was by his bedside as soon as her duties allowed her, despite his weak protests that he didn't need babysitting, whose lack of energy had the effect of convincing her that he did need it. She had brought a book with her, the dark blue covers empty of a title to give him a hint what it was about. It must have been good, though, because she was caught up in it quickly. Hans drifted into a calm sleep, the ruffling of turning pages and her calm breathing lulling him.
Suddenly he was a boy again, all freckles and skinny limbs and he had the living quarters of the castle all to himself. The halls were high and silent and ominous but he was glad to have them to himself, at least for the day, as he leaped over the sofas and carpets, play-pretending that the tiled floor was flooded in lava.
A slight cough behind one of the closed doors stopped him mid-track, cringing at the thought of being caught playing like that. But when the cough repeated, this time a long access, followed by a soft wheezing, he raced to the door worry giving his steps a spring, and pried it open.
"Shall I bring you some water?" he asked, his head peeking inside. His voice was tiny, very much how he felt looking inside the dimly lit room where only the bed and a figure laying on it where clearly visible.
"Min lille, what are you doing here?" his mother hoarsely but kindly called, patting the side of the bed, inviting him to sit by her side "I thought your father had organized a hunt trip in the neighboring kingdom"
"I don't like hunting" Hans replied nonchalantly, accepting the invitation. His feet dangled from the sides of the bed. His mother caressed his freckly cheek fondly, a slightly reproachful expression filling her features.
"That may be true, but something else happened, didn't it?"
He averted his eyes, brow furrowed. She always knew when he was lying. Unlike the rest, who just assumed he always did.
"The King said a runt like me can't ride his horses" he mumbled.
"Oh, dear, don't be upset. He must have been worried you'd hurt yourself if you fell off the horse"
"That's what Bo said too, but Alexei said it was because I'd just make them feel embarrassed if I went. That people would make fun of them because they had a dwarf in their hunting party"
His mother sighed, bringing the same hand that had caressed him to her forehead.
"Did he, now?"
"And Egil said-"
"Don't listen to anything Egil says" her mother tiredly countered before continuing in a gentler tone "Your brother has a peculiar sense of humor, he doesn't know when to stop joking"
What she didn't know was that he knew when she was lying too. And that even at his short age he already could recognize the malice in the eyes of his brother.
"He said it was my fault you were sick to begin with, so I had to stay and take care of you"
Her mortified expression made him wish he'd stayed silent. Truth be told, he couldn't understand how his mother's weak health was supposed to be his fault when she had been like that for as long as he could remember, but somehow her reaction to his words made him feel like he'd discovered something he wasn't supposed to.
"But that's OK, I like…I like being with you" he assured, and it was true. Even if the King had allowed him to accompany them, he would have spent the journey worried about her. She reached out for his hair and ruffled it softly.
"You are such a good boy, Hans. But surely you must be bored out of your mind, things as they are, I can't even play with you" she sighed again "I wish one of your brothers had stayed behind so you wouldn't be lonely"
He pursed his lips to stop himself from saying it wasn't like having his brothers home or not made any difference in him being lonely.
"Back in the library, I saw a book that seemed interesting" he said instead "I'll bring you some water and bring the book so we can read for a while, how does that sound?"
Her smile was as warm as it was sad. He could see the tears in her eyes and the knowledge that he couldn't make them go away made him feel like a useless runt more than ever.
"I would like that, min kjære lille" she replied with a strangled voice.
Hans awoke slowly, switching from the dream in which he was sitting on his mother's bed, reading for her until the restless coughing became soft breathing, to reality with the mildness of a day becoming a night. Elsa was still there, reading, despite the fact that the lighting of the room told him it had been hours since she'd arrived already. And just as he was wondering whether she had nothing better to do it dawned on him that he had no idea of what she usually did for the day. Taking advantage of the fact that she didn't seem to have noticed what he was doing, he gazed at her under furrowed brows, his eyes inevitably wavering to the white expansion of soft-looking skin the slit in her dress showed.
Why did she wear that for the castle, though? More than one must have run into a wall after crossing her in a hallway for not keeping his eyes on the road.
"How are you feeling?" she inquired, her eyes still on the book. He blinked sleepily; so she had been alert after all! He'd always found women's capacity to keep their attention equally distributed between two or more tasks fascinating.
'I'm just lucky she didn't notice what I was looking at'
"Groggy" he replied, moving to sit up on the bed. She put down her book and poured him some water on a glass, handing it to him. The pleasant chill in the water helped him clear his head a little and take his head off her leg "You probably have better things to do than sit by my bedside, so I'd be thankful if you just left me to sleep by myself"
He wished she'd just do it. Suddenly the book she held seemed like a painful reminder. She hesitantly raised a hand, before asserting herself enough to place the back of it on the side of his face, right above the cheekbones. It took all of his might not to squirm away from her touch, the last thing he wanted was anyone touching him with the memory of his mother's gentle caressing so fresh in his mind.
"You still feel slightly feverish" she said, removing her hand.
"Nothing that more sleep and maybe a bath won't fix, so thank you, you can leave now" he retorted, hoping the edge of his voice would make her catch the hint that for the moment all he wanted was to be alone. She didn't, seemingly.
"I'm here out of my own free will, giving me permission to leave is pointless"
"Oh, OK then. Would you PLEASE leave?"
For all answer, she picked up the book again and obstinately kept her eyes on it. He took a deep breath.
"Don't you have papers to sign or something like that?" he grumbled, dropping on the pillows again.
"I do believe that to be my business and not yours" she mumbled back firmly but not unkindly, as if reprimanding a child. He felt his fists tightening at her tone and bit back what would have surely been a fiery reply, contenting with turning on the bed so that his back was turned on her. He knew he was being childish, but since he was being treated like a child anyway, he found no reason not to.
'Why won't she leave, though?'
He gave it a good pondering, based on what little he knew about Elsa.
Number one: She never lied. A lifetime of lying to Anna cured her of whatever dishonest impulses she ever had. But that wasn't relevant at the moment, so; Number two: She was an idealist. Not much to say about that except he didn't know how someone could get as old as 21 and stay an idealist. Number three: She was too kind for her own good. It was a redundant statement, taking in account how she was dealing with the man who tried to kill her and her sister and take over her Kingdom, but how she kept her kindness even in a much smaller scale made him appreciate it a bit more. Sure, he still thought what she was doing for him bordered with stupidity and obeyed the same twisted sense of sacrifice that had inspired her to recluse even from her family. But it was harder to give his thoughts heed when in presence of such a seemingly pure, uninterested gentleness.
Maybe that was why he found himself believing in her –Him! Him, who had long since renounced to such useless practices as faith or confidence in others! To find himself putting them in…in a goody-two-shoes, no less!
'Not only did you start trusting her, you also told her you did'
He made what could have well-passed for a pout. Maybe his brothers hadn't been too mistaken to call him stupid as he grew up, because he couldn't find another adjective for that kind of behavior. As if summoned by his thoughts, the faces of his family paraded into his mind, along with many questions. How where the bunch of bastards managing? And his father…?
The back of a cold hand made its way to his cheek again and he all but sat up in one leap, his head swimming at the effort.
"Sorry" Elsa gasped, backing away "I thought you were asleep"
"So you thought it was OK to give me inappropriate attention he murmured smiling weakly "Remind me to lock my door at night to save you the temptation of furthering this"
She glared at him, cheeks red with anger and embarrassment. Number four: The fastest way to make her leave him alone was making her uncomfortable.
"I was merely checking on your temperature" she mumbled, picking up her book to –finally!- leave "It appears you were right. It still is high, but nothing a night's proper rest can't cure"
A gust of ice-cold air, complete with some snowflakes hit him straight in the face. Number five: Making her uncomfortable came with a price.
"That ought to cool you off faster, though. I'll take my leave now" she calmly finished as she walked to the door. He could practically see the smug little smile in her face.
"You needn't have stayed in the first place" he called, unable to hold himself back, as he brushed the snowflakes off him "I was never in danger, it's just a fever"
She halted and turned to see him, this time openly scowling.
"Did everything I said to you yesterday enter throught one ear and come out the other?" she snapped "Your level of pig-headedness still surprises me! Kristoff was scared colorless when you fainted and I was worried sick that you'r infection might have-!"
"Hold it, hold it, hold it, what?" Hans interrupted, wondering whether he'd heard right. She cut herself, realizing what she had said, but shrugged.
"Well, yes, it's true! We feared the worst when you fainted, all of us did" she continued,wrapping her arms around her own body "We were worried about you, why is that so hard to understand?"
He pinned his eyes to his feet, unable to reply. THe faces of those who had visited him during the day crossed his mind. Kristoff, Anna, Kai and Gerda and the guard...
'Worried about me'
He would have liked to doubt what Elsa had said, but unfortunately for him, he realized he knew the look in their eyes as each one of them came into his room. Because years or ages ago one little redheaded, freckly boy had wore the same look when entering his mother's room.
And it dawned on him with such clarity that he wondered why he hadn't thought so before. She had stayed with him not because he needed her to, but because he was now a citizen of Arandelle and the Royal Horse Trainer and a guest in her castle and he wore her crest and...
Elsa took a deep breath, calming down.
"But that's enough for now. You need to rest. Go back to sleep as you wished" she turned to leave.
"That book you're reading…" Hans started on impulse. She stopped and half-turned to see him.
"What about it?"
"…what is it about?"
She seemed genuinely surprised.
"Do you like reading?"
He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.
"If I have to stay in bed for the rest of the day, I'd like to have something to keep my mind busy"
She eyed him, then the book…and then threw it towards his face. He dodged it barely in time and it landed to his side with a thump.
"You tell me, pig-head" she said with a smirk before leaving. Hans picked up the book, the scent of paper and leather covers and ink surprisingly soothing to him.
"You are one of us now, Hans, like it or not we are going to be looking out for you"
He chuckled weakly. His brothers were right, he was stupid.
Because, at least for the moment, he was willing ot believe he was part of something.
CC (a) the author here.
CHEESY CHAPTER IS CHEESY AHHH THIS CHAPTER TOOK ME SO LONG I WOULDN'T BLAME THE FOLLOWERS IF THEY'D GIVEN UP ON THE FIC I ALMOST DID MYSELF.
But, here you go, finally! I feel it's a little unpolished...I left it like that because otherwise I'd end up re-writting it again (I REWROTE IT LIKE THREE OR FOUR TIMES) I know it feels a little pointless but I promise it's actually leading up to a good point.
Anyway, I jumped into the Mama's boy!Hans bandwagon, because it makes sense in a Norman Bates-ly kind of way, hehe. Also KRISTOFF IS SUCHA SWEETHEART and Anna mah bby, she's trying.
Comments and critiques are welcome!
(btw, folks, I just wanted to say thank you for the support and that if someone is interested in making some art for the fic, I'd be more than thrilled)