"Harleen Quinzel? I'm Joan Le…oh," stammered Dr. Leland, when she met Harley at the entrance to Arkham Asylum followed by Arleen and J.J. "I didn't know you were bringing company," she said, confused.
"Hi, Joan – call me Harley, everyone does," said Harley. "And these were the two I was telling you about, who I almost hit with my car. They're ok, but they don't really have anyplace else to go right now, since they live on the street and all, so I was hoping they could just hang around my office while I do my orientation."
"Uh…sure, I guess," said Dr. Leland, studying Arleen and J.J. "They'll just need visitor passes. We can't let just anyone off the street wander around in here. Oh geez, I'm sorry, forgive the expression – I didn't mean to make light of your situation," said Dr. Leland, nodding at the twins. "I meant off the street as in a stranger, not as in…living on the streets…in a derogatory way…lemme just get your passes before I dig myself in any deeper," she muttered.
"Aw, I can see why Mom and Dad always liked her," whispered Arleen to her brother. "She's nice."
"Yeah, she feels bad over nothing," agreed J.J. "You know Dad would've loved taking advantage of her guilt complex like that. He loves playing with people who've got a conscience."
"Speaking of which, we better follow Mom on her orientation," said Arleen. "We need to see her and Dad's first meeting to gauge just how bad the damage is."
"Agreed," said J.J., nodding. "But knowing Dad, he'll just turn on the old Joker charm and have Mom wrapped around his little finger in no time!"
"I think you have a bizarre amount of faith in the old Joker charm," said Arleen.
"Hey, it's never failed me yet!" chuckled J.J. "Unfortunately in Mom's case," he muttered under his breath.
"Harley, your office is just here," said Dr. Leland, opening the door to reveal a spacious, minimally furnished room. "If you two need anything, just head back to reception. We'll leave you here for now," said Dr. Leland, heading toward the cell block.
"Arleen, look after your brother," said Harley, nodding at her and closing the door.
"Yes, Mom," muttered Arleen.
"C'mon," said J.J., opening the door carefully and watching them disappear down the hall. "Coast is clear."
They carefully crept after Harley and Dr. Leland, who entered the cell block where the inmates were kept in cells behind thick sheets of glass. Inmates who Arleen and J.J. mostly recognized as friends of their parents, or honorary relations of theirs.
"Look, Uncle Edward," whispered J.J., pointing into a cell where green question marks had been painted on the wall, and a man sat scribbling at a sheet of paper, among the tons which already surrounded him. "Geez, Dad was right. He always was a loser."
"Who's that?" asked Arleen, pointing at another cell whose glass was frosted up.
"Before our time," murmured J.J. "Remember Freeze?"
"Oh yeah – the one Dad kept making ice puns about," nodded Arleen. "There's Uncle Jervis!" she whispered, pointing to a nearby cell.
"And there's Dad!" said J.J., nodding at the cell which Dr. Leland and Harley stopped in front of.
"I'll warn you right now, these are hard core psychotics," Dr. Leland was saying. "If you're thinking about cashing in on them by writing a tell-all book, think again. They'd eat a novice like you for breakfast."
Joker was leaning against the corner of his cell, whistling, when he noticed Harley and smiled, winking at her.
"Got something in your eye?" Harley asked.
Joker looked slightly taken aback by the response. "Er…no," he said.
"Ok, then," she retorted, moving along down the cells and leaving Joker staring after her.
"Well, that's hardly eyes meeting across a crowded asylum and instant true love," muttered Arleen, frowning. "We've got our work cut out for us, J.J. J.J.?" she asked, noticing her brother was distracted, gazing into a cell on the opposite side from Joker's. "Oh, brother," she muttered, rolling her eyes when she saw that the figure inside it, tending to her plants, was Poison Ivy.
Arleen elbowed her brother in the ribs. "Were you even watching Mom and Dad?" she demanded.
"Sure," he said. "But remind me what happened, just in case I wasn't."
"He winked at her, and she basically ignored him," retorted Arleen. "So it's as bad as we thought."
"Right, bad," murmured J.J., his eyes drifting back over to Ivy.
"J.J., this is serious!" snapped Arleen. "If Mom and Dad don't get together, we could end up not being born, which would mean we'd be erased from existence!"
"So what's your plan for getting them together?" asked J.J.
"First thing's first," said Arleen, her eyes drifting over to Tetch's cell where he sat, having a tea party by himself. "We need to bust out Uncle Jervis. He can't build another time machine inside his cell. Luckily Mom and Dad have told us enough stories about ways to break people outta Arkham that it should be a piece of cake. Doesn't Mom's office have an emergency axe in it next to the fire alarm?"
"Yeah, but if we're gonna go with the direct approach, we'll probably be caught by the guards," said J.J.
"Not if they're distracted by the fire alarm," retorted Arleen. "We get everyone to evacuate, and in the confusion grab Uncle Jervis and go."
"Can we take Aunt Ivy with us too?" asked J.J. "I'm sure she'd be grateful."
"We don't have time for that!" snapped Arleen. "Now get your head out of Aunt Ivy's flower bed and come on!"
The twins headed back to Harley's office, opening the door and stepping inside. "One of us should probably keep a lookout for Mom…" began Arleen, but she turned and suddenly stopped talking. "Dad?" she gasped.
The Joker was standing in Harley's office, placing a rose with a note attached into a vase on her desk. He looked up at the intrusion and scowled. "Who the hell are you two?" he demanded.
"Uh…we're…uh…friends of Dr. Quinzel's," invented Arleen. "And you're…the Joker. What are you doing out of your cell?"
"None of your business," retorted Joker, shoving the rose behind his back. "And frankly, nobody's supposed to know I'm outta my cell, so as long as I'm here, I might need to silence you two. Permanently."
"Ok, but if you do that, Dr. Quinzel will never forgive you," spoke up J.J.
"And what do you think some dumb blonde shrink matters to me?" demanded Joker.
"Well, you're leaving her a flower," retorted Arleen. "With a note that says 'Come down and see me sometime.'"
"Oh yeah, I totally forgot he did that!" exclaimed J.J. "It's all coming back to me now though!"
"What the hell are you talking about, kid?" demanded Joker, glaring at him. "I dunno who you are, but I don't much like the look of you. You kinda resemble a young, tribute act version of me."
"Tribute act?" repeated J.J., offended. "I'm hurt, Dad…Dad…Daddy-o."
"Look, Joker, you obviously think Dr. Quinzel's fairly attractive," interrupted Arleen. "Sneaking outta your cell just to leave a flower for her is a big risk to take for somebody you have zero interest in."
Joker shrugged. "She's hot, I guess. Got a nice ass – I got a good look at it as she walked away."
"Yeah…well…we've known Dr. Quinzel a long time," continued Arleen. "And I think you got a pretty good chance at winning her if you play your cards right. In fact, I think you should devote all your time and attention to that exclusively from now on."
"You clearly don't know me very well, kid," retorted Joker. "I'm the Joker. I ain't some pining, pathetic pretty boy who spends his days figuring out how to make a girl like him. I've got bigger fish to fry. Bigger Bat-fish."
"Right, but…you've fought Batman a long time," said Arleen, slowly. "So maybe you deserve a change of focus for now. After all, you don't want people thinking the Joker has gone all stale and predictable, do you?"
She choked suddenly as Joker reached out a hand and grabbed her around the throat. "I ain't stale or predictable, kid!" he hissed.
J.J. grabbed the vase off the desk, smashing it and holding the broken ceramic to Joker's face. "Let my sister go!" he hissed.
"You don't have the guts, kid," he retorted. "I can see it in your eyes – you don't have the heart to cut me."
"I don't want to," agreed J.J. "But you hurt my sister, and I will."
It was a tense Mexican standoff, with Arleen gasping for breath, when suddenly it ended with the door being opened, and Harley and Dr. Leland entering the office.
"So let me know if you need…Joker!" gasped Dr. Leland, shocked at the situation in the office. "How did you get out of your cell? Let her go at once!" she snapped. "Or it's no dessert for a month!"
Joker growled, but threw Arleen to the ground. "My after-dinner Jell-O's a little more valuable than your neck, kid," he retorted.
J.J. dropped the vase and knelt down to see to his sister. He was swiftly joined by Harley. "Oh my God, are you ok, Arleen?" she gasped. "How could you threaten an innocent young woman like that, you heartless monster?" she demanded, glaring up at Joker.
Joker shrugged. "Criminal lunatic, toots, that's just what I am," he retorted. "Completely heartless."
"Yes, you certainly are," she agreed.
Arleen let out a cry of pain, clutching at her heart suddenly. "Leenie, what is it?" whispered J.J.
She gazed at him with tears in her eyes. "Can't you feel it, J.J.?" she whispered. "We're being slowly wiped from existence."
J.J. suddenly felt a sharp, shooting pain in his heart too. He looked up at Harley and Joker, glaring daggers at each other until the Joker was dragged back off to his cell. The rose with Joker's note attached lay with the shattered remains of the broken vase, dead and forgotten on the ground.
"Yeah, we're in trouble," he whispered, hugging his sister tightly. "But don't worry, Leenie. We'll make this right. I promise."