"Jervis, I wasn't expecting you back from Arkham so soon," said Jonathan Crane, as the door to the apartment he shared with Jervis Tetch opened, and Tetch entered. "You won't believe the narrow escape I had from Batman the other night – thought I was going to join you in there again. I was actually on fire at one point in the evening…"
He frowned when the Joker followed Tetch into the apartment. "What's he doing here?!" Crane demanded. "Jervis, I expected better from you – you shouldn't lead a man like this back to our home! God knows what he plans to do with that information! He'd probably find it terribly funny to blow it up, or stab us all while we sleep, or…"
Crane trailed off suddenly as the twins entered the apartment – he stared at Arleen and his jaw dropped in astonishment. "Who…on earth is this?" he gasped, stunned.
"It's a very good question, and one we're all rather intrigued to know the answer to," said Tetch, turning to the twins. "They were the ones who went through the effort of breaking me out of Arkham, but to what end, I'm not certain."
Arleen took a deep breath. "This is gonna sound crazy…" she began.
"Don't worry, kid – you're surrounded by people who sound like that all the time!" chuckled Joker.
"My brother and I…are from the future," said Arleen, slowly. "We came here in a time machine that you built, Mr. Tetch," she said, nodding at him. "Although we know you as Uncle Jervis – you're our honorary Uncle. My name is Arleen and this is J.J."
"What's the J.J. stand for?" asked Joker.
J.J. looked at him. "Joker…Junior," he said, slowly.
Joker's smile remained, and his face betrayed no change of expression. "What?" he asked, lightly.
"Joker Junior," repeated J.J. "We're your kids…Dad."
Joker choked out a laugh at last. "Kids!" he chuckled. "Geez, you really have got a few screws loose, haven't you? Me, a father! Who would ever be crazy enough to have kids with…"
He trailed off. "Dr. Quinzel," he said, slowly. "That's why you're so eager to get the two of us together."
Arleen nodded. "If you and Mom don't get together, we stop existing. Which means…"
"Which means it would create a time paradox that would bring about the end of all reality as we know it," finished Tetch, nodding. "Yes, I'm quite aware of the risks of time travel, and rather surprised that I allowed myself to even experiment with such a dangerous invention. I must get reckless in my old age."
"Wait, why should we even believe you, kid?" demanded Joker. "You were in Arkham – for all we know, you're just crazy!"
"I might be," agreed J.J. "Fortunately my phone still has enough charge on it for me to show you the miracle of 21st-century technology. Have you ever seen a smartphone before?"
"Oooh, I have not!" exclaimed Tetch, grabbing the phone from J.J. "What wonders can you accomplish with this device?"
"Mostly people use it to take pictures of their face in various expressions and then upload them to a website in the hope of getting approval from their peers in the form of virtual likes," replied J.J.
"I see. So people are just as vain in the future," sighed Tetch. "I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. Time changes – people do not. The sad tragedy of humanity…"
"Blah, blah, blah, nerd crap," snapped Joker, shoving Tetch out of the way and grabbing the phone. "This thing isn't proof – one of the nerds could have invented it somehow!"
"Did either of you?" asked J.J.
"My ambitions run slightly higher than a portable vanity device, as do Jonathan's," replied Tetch. "Don't they, Jonathan? Jonathan?" he repeated, looking at his friend, who continued to just stare at Arleen, spellbound.
"I'm…sorry, what was the question?" Crane asked, distracted.
"I said our ambitions run higher than a portable vanity device," repeated Tetch. "People of intellect have better things to do than stare at people all day…"
"I wasn't staring - how dare you!" snapped Crane. "I was just…taken aback at the young lady's…utterly gorgeous appearance!"
Everyone looked at him. "Aw no," muttered Arleen.
"Welcome to the Crush Club, sis!" chuckled J.J.
"So wait, if you two are really from the future, and my kids…then you can tell me how I finally kill Batsy!" said Joker, brightening. "How do I do it? It's the Death of a Hundred Smiles, isn't it? I finally find a way to make it work! God, I'm sure glad I didn't throw that plan out!"
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Uh…you haven't killed Batman, Dad," said J.J., slowly.
"And…he hasn't killed me either?" asked Joker, slowly.
"No," said Arleen.
"Has he killed anyone?" asked Joker.
"No," repeated Arleen.
"So we're just…locked in an endless cycle of perpetual violence night after night?" asked Joker.
"Pretty much," agreed J.J.
Joker looked at him, and then his face broke into an enormous grin as he began laughing hysterically. "Aw, good times! The future is nothing but bright, boys!"
"Joker, stop asking them questions about the future!" snapped Tetch. "Nobody should know too much about their own destiny! It's hugely dangerous!"
"That's why it's fun, Hatty!" chuckled Joker. "Hey, you kids don't remember any future lottery numbers, do you?"
"Uncle Jervis, we need you to build another time machine to send us back to the future," said J.J. "And we need you, Dad, to do your best to woo Mom again so we can actually be born and not have the universe suddenly collapse or anything."
"Is there any way I can be of assistance?" asked Crane.
"Yeah, get your eyes off my sister," snapped J.J.
"J.J., don't be harsh on Uncle Jonathan," retorted Arleen.
"Uncle Jonathan?" repeated Crane. "Oh God, you know what that means, don't you? It means I'm the crazy, unmarried uncle who just gets invited to family functions under duress, because I'm a bit creepy!"
"Well, you are a bit creepy," agreed Joker. "But no, the uncle who don't get invited to family functions has gotta be Tetchy here! For obvious, child-related reasons…"
"I'm not a pedophile!" snapped Tetch.
"C'mon, kiddies, he's arrested in the future for that kinda thing, right?" asked Joker.
"We're not talking any more about the future!" snapped J.J. "Uncle Jervis is right – nobody should know too much about their own destiny!"
"But…you can build another time machine, right, Uncle Jervis?" asked Arleen, slowly.
"Probably," said Tetch, shrugging. "The theory is certainly simple enough, but I will, appropriately enough, need time to work on it."
"That's fine – we'll probably need time to get Mom and Dad together after Dad's disastrous first impression," retorted J.J.
"Hey, any woman who loves me has gotta love my random violence, right?" asked Joker, shrugging. "And now that I know I'm guaranteed to be banging her in the future, winning her is gonna be a piece of cake! I'll just turn on the old Joker charm…"
"Oh God, not this again," muttered Arleen.
"Ok, but Dad, this is no joke," said J.J. "You've got to be seriously charming, for all our sakes."
"Kiddo, serious and charming ain't my style!" chuckled Joker. "Doncha know your old man at all? The old Joker charm is all about the gags! Any dame who loves me has gotta have a sense of humor – she'll just love being the punchline to my jokes!"
"Yeah…maybe eventually," agreed J.J., slowly. "But when you first met Mom, you were actually kinda romantic. You've gotta be that again."
"Right, romantic," agreed Joker, nodding. "So when I next see her, you want me to, what? Pinch her ass or something?"
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "I'll work with him," said J.J. "C'mon, Dad."
"And I'll leave you to your work, Uncle Jervis," said Arleen. "Let me know if you need any help."
"And let me know if you need any help, my dear," said Crane to Arleen. "I am at your service."
"That's very sweet, Uncle Jonathan," said Arleen. "And I'm very flattered. But trust me, I'm not the right woman for you."
"Oh yes, of course, I understand," he said, hurriedly. "Can you at least tell me if…there is a right woman for me out there?"
"I'm really not supposed to reveal the future, you heard Uncle Jervis," said Arleen, smiling apologetically. "But I will say…nobody should ever give up hope of being loved."
"Wait, you don't think she'd enjoy being pinched or spanked?" demanded Joker. "What kinda crazy dame is this?!"
"See? If Dad can get a great girl like Mom, there's hope for everyone," said Arleen. "And I really, really hope he can."