A/N: I'm really glad that you guys seem to have taken to this fic too, especially since I feel like I've been neglecting the other one. But I really appreciate the support this story is getting overall, it's been really wonderful. To MoonlightGardenias, EmmaFan, and toffeema, you guys are too sweet and your comments brought a smile to my face! To Stars May Fall, thank you as well; the idea of him not saying it back right away was because he wanted to meticulously plan for it since Emma didn't get the chance to do so herself - he wanted it to be special for her. And to JRB, these last two episodes have certifiably killed me so I think it's safe to say I've been somewhat inspired if nothing else. And I love that you picked out a favourite quote, it literally made my day!

So, after the cuteness of the last two episodes, I get to throw off the curve with this fic. To be fair, this was my intention for Chapter 3 since I wrote it - and I didn't even intend to do a follow-up at that point. But change is good, plus I can promise you one of the fluffiest fics I ever written for the next update! I hope that makes this at least slightly more acceptable.

Note: This chapter contains swearing and sadness, bring on the angst!

"(3) I'm not going anywhere" continued

"Knowing he'd be around when she got back on her feet, however, made the challenge ahead a lot less difficult to deal with."

Alex feels his throat go tight; not in the way that it would if he'd accidentally eaten pine nuts and his glands began to swell up, but in the way that he had so many things to say in that one moment and he couldn't seem to shove the right words into the air between them. It doesn't help that he also feels like screaming until he's hoarse.

"I'm sorry," Emma says, for the third time, with the same kind of fear rippling through her voice as all the other times. And even though Alex can hear the blood roaring in his ears, there's still such a large part of him that wants to comfort her. This realization, however, only makes him angrier, and he finally snaps.

"I don't know what you expect me to say."

She looks at him pleadingly, "I just want you to –"

"What? Keep being your friend? Move forward like nothing happened?" Alex is speaking barely above a whisper. She would choose to have this conversation in his office, he thinks. Well, he didn't need to shout to get his point across.

"Alex, you're the one who told me to think this through," Emma leans back against his desk, searching his eyes as though he could suddenly change the feelings in his heart. "And I have."

"Evidently."

She sighs, "But you knew that this was a possible outcome of that. I know it's not what you want to hear but –"

Alex cuts her off with a bitter laugh. "You really do know me, don't you?"

"What I'm trying to say…Alex, I'm so sorry and I know –"

"I am in love with you, Emma." His tone is even and calculated, his eyes narrowed at his best friend. There's a part of him that wishes he could shout it at her, maybe then she would understand. But by the look on her face, his words have had the right effect, or at least an effect, regardless of their volume.

"I am in love with you and I thought I had made that clear enough. But, if after everything that happened Friday, the most you can muster is that you're sorry that you don't see a future for us then…I don't think I even know who you are anymore."

For the first time since the conversation started, Emma looks at something other than him. She stares at the ground as if to confirm that the world had not actually flipped upside down when she wasn't paying attention. Alex watches her furrow her brow and shake her head and knows what she's going to say next before she says it.

"You said you liked me, you never said…you don't know what…" Emma takes a deep breath; he knows she hates fishing for words in the middle of a sentence. "Alex, you don't love me."

"Emma!"

"You don't! And I was hurt and you were being a good friend and...and you don't love me."

Alex stares at her because he can't believe she is trying to write off the events of a couple of days ago. He doesn't know how to force her to recognize the reality of the situation. So he says, "I don't generally kiss you to prove I'm being a good friend."

"I'm not pretending that didn't happen, Alex," she replies, moving her hair behind her ears.

"Then what exactly are you getting at?"

Emma straightens again, picking herself up off of his desk but making no indication that she was planning to move towards him. Alex isn't sure he wants her to, the distance between them makes it easier to focus on his anger. If she were closer to him, he'd probably back down sooner. But he deserves this explanation, he needs it to get him through whatever is bound to happen to them after this. So he too straightens and stands his ground.

"We're better off as friends, we both know it," Emma meets his eyes and looks like she is speaking directly from her heart.

"Fuck that," Alex says, crossing his arms. Emma doesn't try to hide her surprise, she probably would have even taken a step back if it weren't for the desk hitting the backs of her legs. But she does almost raise her hand to her mouth dramatically – it wasn't like Alex was known for spewing profanity. Still, he doesn't know how to get through to her so he stops thinking and just does what makes sense to him in the moment.

"Emma, I was crazy about you before I kissed you and I am so far over the edge now that I can't go back to what we had before. And I don't think that you can either."

She puts her face in her hands before speaking again, "We've been friends for over twenty years, Alex Knightley. If you think that I'm going to throw that away because you made me feel better after a professional setback, then maybe I don't know you at all."

Alex freezes, struck by her choice of words. He and Emma may have never been on the same page before but now it seemed they were reading entirely different books. "You are unbelievable," he mutters in exasperation.

In response, Emma takes a step forward and Alex's gut twist into a knot, but he doesn't step back and neither does she. He can't tell if she's actually angry with him or the situation but he can't pity her, not for the life of him. She had held onto his heart for so long and now she was trying to throw it back into his chest, hoping to not have to touch it for too long for fear of it rubbing off on her.

"I can't just be there to hold your hand through everything," Alex says, shaking his head at her. "And I can't be your friend if that means you using my own emotions against me. I love you Emma and I think I always will, but the least you could do is acknowledge that."

Emma closes her eyes and he worries she might cry. But when she speaks her voice is steady, though quiet, "I can't lose you." She pauses to breathe and he thinks she isn't going to say any more when she starts up again. "And I'm not sorry that I kissed you. Or let you kiss me. I'm not sorry that you make me feel happy and safe. Or that being around you makes it easier for me to breathe. I'm not sorry that you make me laugh when I'm at my worst. Or that you're the first person I want to talk to about anything and everything," she looks up at him. "But I am sorry that I'm not willing to give up this friendship. And that I can't make any promises that I ever will be."

Alex isn't quite sure what he's doing, whether it's a sign of defeat or something else entirely. But he closes the distance between them and pulls her into his arms. She's wearing her five inch heels so she fits just into the crook of his neck and she welcomes the hug as easily as she once accepted his lips on her own. The memory still tastes bitter to him no matter how many apologies are given. But for a minute, he can remind himself of the history they have together. That, like she said, the decades of friendship between them can't just be ignored regardless of any deeper feelings. He may love her but he was her friend first, he wouldn't let himself forget that.

When Emma pulls back, she moves her hair back behind her ears. "I'm doing it again, aren't I? Using your emotions against you?"

He shakes his head, even though that's exactly what she's doing. But he's realizing that that's about as much her fault as it is his own, probably less so. It wasn't her fault that he'd rather see her happy than worry about himself. He may be tripping over the weight of his own feelings for her but it wasn't like she was using that to get her way intentionally. Emma is a lot of things but she has never been cruel.

Standing so close to her is starting to turn his head a bit and Alex is sure if he doesn't leave now, he'll end up doing something to throw them back into another mess. So he turns on his heel and moves towards the door again. He hears Emma sniffle before asking him where he's going.

"You know, it's been a while since I visited John. Probably about time that I did. Or maybe I'll head over to that hot spring Jane is always talking about. There's a lot in the world left to see, Emma."

"But…you said you weren't going anywhere?" his friend presses, twisting the ring around her finger. A nervous habit she'd first developed when she realized she was actually capable of failing.

"Yes, well," Alex stares off at nothing in particularly, "a friend of mine recently reminded me that people change their minds all the time." The words come out more biting then he intends them to be. But once he says them, he realizes he doesn't want to take them back. He couldn't hate her for not loving him back, but he could be angry with her for making him believe she could.

"Alex, you can't make me choose between being with you and losing you entirely. That's not fair."

"Really, because you're making me choose between being your friend and not having you in my life at all? Emma, no matter what we do, somebody losses," Alex tells her. And he sounds like a jerk, which maybe he is, but he doesn't see how things can return to what they were. Maybe if he really did only have a crush on her, maybe if they had never kissed, maybe if nothing had changed, things would be okay. But the information had been compiled and sent and read, there was no way of retrieving it now.

"I just need to figure some stuff out, alright? I gave you your space to think, now I need mine."

He watches her nod calmly before he opens his office door to exit this room, this conversation, this unfortunate chapter in his life. Before he leaves he hears her speak again.

"I'm so sor-"

"I know."

But no matter how much easier his life would be if that night had never happened, Alex couldn't wish that it hadn't. Because he's not sure if the two of them have ever been as honest with each other as they were that night. And in those last few minutes, when he proved to her that there were worse things in life than simply kissing her, he's not sure he's ever seen them as happy either.

It actually amazes me how much more I want to write in this particular reality, but this is all I wanted to say on this specific topic. Though I might write more for this story-line in the future... I'm feeling more inspired for my first kiss series (because I'm an absolute mess as a result of episode 32) so I hope to update that soon! Review if you can and rewatch ep. 32 if there's too much sadness in this!