A/N: Hey everyone, this chapter is really fluffy with a really major prank at the end that I hope you enjoy! It's about time Jazz and Phoenix got a break from the d-cons, and I'll get back on track with the storyline and the allspark next chapter. This one is just pure pranking nonsense that I really hope you enjoy! Thank you for reading/reviewing and if you like it then please favourite/follow/review this story and all that good stuff. Now, on with the chapter!
-AnAshBlackSword
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything to do with transformers / Hasbro/ any referenced stuff in this story. If I did then I'd be too busy living on my private jet to update :)
Phoenix's POV
The next day, Phoenix is finally allowed out of the med-bay along with Jazz. Unfortunately, despite being online, Prowl isn't allowed out yet to Jazz's and Phoenix's dismay. They tried to stay with him, but after a couple of wrenches being thrown at them they decide it's better for Jazz's health if they relocate to the rec room.
In the rec room, she spots Lennox on Ironhide's shoulder and Sideswipe beating Epps and Mikaela at Mario Kart, whilst Sunstreaker polishes his paint. Jazz waves to Sideswipe, rolls his optics and Sunstreaker and takes a seat beside Ironhide with Phoenix still on his shoulder.
"I see Hatchet finally released you both." Ironhide comments, grinning.
"He's still keepin' Prowler though."
"Poor mech." Sideswipe butts in, Mikaela taking advantage of his lack of focus to overtake him, pulling into first position as they cross the line.
"Yes! Get wrecked Sideswipe!" She cheers, jumping up and pointing at the silver mech who groans loudly and tosses the controller away. Epps laughs along and goes over to Ironhide, who places the man next to Lennox. Epps waves down at Phoenix.
"How are you doing then kiddo?"
"Good, it's nice to be away from Hatchet." She replies, and he laughs.
"I'll second you on that. Man has that mech got an temper! So where are you staying now then?"
"Um.. I don't actually know."
"Will… Will… don't you know it's bad manners to leave a lady waiting?" Epps says nudging his friend who rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, you'll be staying in one of the standard rooms for a while until…. Well I'll tell you about that later. I can show you there later, it's really not much to look at." Will says, smiling at her and she decides that he won't be the worst guardian in the world and better than the care workers any day. He seems nice, which is a definite improvement over anything previous, she thinks dryly. Jazz pokes his charge with his finger.
"Why so serious?" He asks and she groans.
"Did you really just use a Batman reference on me?"
"Yup!" He announces and she rolls her eyes.
"Idiot guardian." She tells him jokingly and Sideswipe snickers from across the room.
"Yeah Jazz, don't you know that's so uncool dude? Like, who uses that nowadays?" He mocks and Jazz glares at him. Phoenix looks at Epps and Will.
"Someone please tell me they have something to throw at that idiot."
"Hey!" Sideswipe calls, and Epps tosses her his Wii remote, which she chucks aims at him. To her satisfaction, it catches him in the side of the head, causing Mikaela to laugh whilst he rubs it in annoyance. "If that's scratched my paint, I swear I'll offline you." He grumbles and Jazz nonchantly activates his blades, lazily pointing it at Sideswipe.
"Ya dare try, ah'll offline ya wit' these beauties."
"Keep your armour on, I'm joking!" Sideswipe replies and Jazz deactivates the blades. Sunstreaker looks up towards Jazz and points a finger at him.
"You try and offline Sideswipe and I'll offline you." He replies and Jazz gives him the finger in reply, which Sunstreaker shoots right back.
"Nobody is offlining anybody, sparklings." Ironhide rumbles, causing everyone to glare at him and Jazz to mock him silently. Will, Lennox, Mikaela and Phoenix all laugh as Ironhide smacks Jazz about the helm without seeming to see his mocking.
"Oww!"
"Respect your betters."
"Ya mean mah elders! ….Oww!" He cries again as Ironhide promptly whacks him a second time. Phoenix feels an odd and slightly painful twinge in the back of her head as though she had been whacked there as well and she reaches up to rub it. Nobody notices, except Jazz.
"Ya alrigh' there Phoenix?"
"I'm fine, I just felt a little weird for a second there. No big deal Jazzman."
"Jazzman? Tha's a new one." He chuckles. "Although, ah think ah like it. Has a ring ta it, ya know?" Ironhide nods seriously at him.
"Indeed, like my ears do every time you open your slagging mouth." He rumbles, causing indignant splutters from Jazz and laughs from everyone else in the room. Jazz punches Ironhide good naturedly in the shoulder.
"Well played mah mech."
Mikaela comes over in Sideswipe's hand and holds up some Wii remotes.
"Anyone want to play some Mario with me?" She asks and Phoenix, Epps and Will all raise their hands. Sideswipe takes a seat next to Jazz and places Mikaela on his shoulder so she is opposite Phoenix.
"Hey, I'm Mikaela! I remember you, but I don't think we've actually met properly before. I'm Sam's girlfriend if you've met him. I'm also Ratchet's apprentice/ kind of charge thing." Phoenix shakes her head but leans across to shake Mikaela's hand. Ironhide snorts.
"You are basically his charge, he's just too much of a stubborn slagger to admit it." He says and Mikaela smiles.
"I'm Phoenix and I'm this idiot's charge." She says, patting the side of Jazz's head.
"Yeah, ya can speak for yaself idiot. Mah IQ lowers every time ya talk." Jazz shoots back.
"You guys have IQ?" Phoenix asks and Jazz groans.
"Well nah, we don', but the point remains!" He cries indignantly and everyone laughs at him as Mikaela starts up the game, Sideswipe whining that he wants another turn after. He quickly shuts up though as Ironhide points a cannon in his general direction.
"So how long have you been on base then?" Phoenix asks Mikaela curiously. "And how did you meet the 'bots?"
"I've been on base for about three years ago, and I met the 'bots when they needed Sam to take them to the allspark. I only became Ratchet's apprentice after the battle for the Matrix though, because he didn't think I was capable enough before that and we didn't get along too great. We get along well now though." Mikaela replies and Phoenix nods.
"I know about the Allspark, but what's the Matrix?"
"It's kinda like the allspark, 'cept Prime keeps it in 'is sparkchamber all the time an' it can't make 'bots but it can bring 'em back to life and do stuff only Prime knows 'bout." Jazz tells her. "It was also ah key for the Fallen's machine – he's dead now – an' it harvested suns."
"Nice. I love it when the apocalypse happens." She comments sarcastically and Mikaela laughs at her.
"I think you'll get along with Maggie, you're a lot like her. I'll introduce you to her and Gwen later if you like."
"Sure!" She replies and goes back to Mario Kart. When Phoenix wins, Sideswipe challenges her to a game and to his utter dismay, she kicks his ass quite a bit.
"No fair! She beat me!"
"Ah guess ya are just realleh bad 'Sides." Jazz tells him as the twin moans about being beaten. Ironhide and Sunstreaker roll their optics as Sides whines even more until Mikaela kicks the side of his head.
"Shush up you, or I'll tell Ratchet about that prank you're planning?"
"A prank on Ratchet? I want in!" Phoenix whoops and Will and Epps look over.
"Meh too!"
"Dude, I'm up for pranking Hatchet anytime, anyplace!" Epps calls and Will agrees. Sunstreaker comes over, still inspecting his golden fingers for any sign of dirt or dust.
"I would also be up for some revenge for my last check-up." Ironhide says and Sideswipe grins at them all.
"Well, it's pretty simple really. All we want to do is attach one of Wheeljack's devices to him which will control his voice and movement. What will happen, is we'll paint him up as a bride from one of your human's weddings and then we are going to marry him off to Prime. Unfortunately, this means Prime will be collateral damage but oh well." Phoenix giggled as she imagined the poor mechs being 'married' to each other. They would have a fit!
"I have an idea. Perhaps, I could dress up as a 'vicar'?" Ironhide suggested and Sideswipe nodded eagerly.
"Brilliant! So, we need three teams. One to get Prime, One to get Ratchet and one to get the rec room looking like a wedding reception. The rest of you can dress up as well if you like." Phoenix grinned as she had a brilliant idea.
"Can we paint his wrenches as flowers and give him a bouquet?"
"Yes!" Sideswipe laughed, and began sorting them out into teams. Jazz, Mikaela and Phoenix would be painting Ratchet, Ironhide, Will and Epps on Prime and the twins would be decorating the rec room. With their plans decided, the three teams went their separate ways.
Jazz's POV
For the bridal gown, Jazz had retrieved a load of white paint, and silk from what he and the twins had dubbed 'the prankster supply cupboard,' which was in a top secret location so that Prowl, Ratchet and Prime would never discover it. He had also found a load of glitter, which would no doubt be useful as well.
He knocked out Ratchet by slipping strong sedatives in his energon. Prowl was in recharge, but jut to be safe, Jazz sedated his brother as well. Then the three pranksters set about making Ratchet's dress, the material being wrapped around his chassis to form the bodice, and flowing outward to make the 'skirt.'
Finally, Phoenix and Mikaela gleefully made the mech's wrenches into flowers and glued them to his hands with Jazz emptying barreloads of glitter onto poor Ratchet, and musing that the medic was going to need a long bath to get rid of this. At last, they attached the device to Ratchet which made sure the mock wedding would go perfectly to plan.
Work done, the trio ran off to the rec room to help finish the decorations, laughing all the way.
Phoenix's POV, a few hours later.
What had been the rec room was now completely unrecognisable. Flowers, decorations and banners were everywhere, with the chairs in two separate rows to form the central isle. The 'bot sized TV had been turned into Ironhide's stand, where two giant sheets of card had been fashioned into a book for him to read from.
Ironhide had made a pair of fake glasses and a giant metal cross to wear, with the other bot's dressing up as various members of the ceremony. Jazz was best man, the twins were the two witnesses and Arcee had agreed to dress up as a bridesmaid. Even better, Will and Epps had managed to get the whole of nest to sit in front of the other bot's as though it was an actual wedding, and Bumblebee was going to blast 'Here comes the bride' from the base speakers.
Now all they had to do was wait.
Optimus was the first to appear. He had been painted black with white flames (which Phoenix thought actually looked good on him) and had a fake wrench-rose attached to his chassis. The poor mech had an expression of pure horror as he arrived before Ironhide, but couldn't move or speak.
Then, there was a boom from the back door as Ratchet arrived.
Dressed from processor-to-peds in white, with a bouquet of flowers, the mech's expression was that of pure rage and anger as 'Here comes the bride' blared from the base speakers and NEST and the 'bots stood up as he walked past them. Phoenix could see that most bot's and men alike were about to fall over laughing.
"Mah sweet Primus, this is amazin'!" Jazz commented and Prime heard him because he shot a very evil look at his TIC. Prime couldn't move his head, but he could doubtless hear the footsteps as Ratchet approached him.
Finally, Ratchet arrived before Ironhide and the device made it so that Prime and Ratchet finally faced each other. The expression of sheer fear Prime had was comical, whilst Ratchet looked so angry he looked like he might burst. The music stop and Ironhide began.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today under the eyes of Primus to celebrate the union of this mech and this…. Femme." He spoke, gesturing to Ratchet at the word femme, causing everyone in the hall to laugh. Ratchet eyed Ironhide with a look that meant his nect check-up would not be pleasant at all.
Ironhide was clearly having trouble keeping his composure as he began to hastily read the vows.
"Do you, Optimus Prime, swear by Primus himself from to love this femme from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until offlining do you part, according to the law of Primus?"
"I do." Prime replied and the whole room erupted into laughter. Ironhide, now visibly shaking, repeated the vows with Ratchet.
"I do." Ratchet replied, but he sounded like a femme and Phoenix collapsed on Jazz's shoulder and saw that Epps and Lennox were doubled over with some of the 'bots on the floor at the back and many members of NEST also falling over. Ironhide skipped through the rest of the wedding for fear he might fall over from laughing.
He lost his composure as he said the last sentence.
"Optimus Prime…. You m-may now… k-kiss the b-bride." He laughed out and Jazz collapsed as Optimus did so, to both his and Ratchet's horror and embarrassment. Everyone was on the floor now, and it was at that moment that Prowl made his appearance.
"Ratchet? I need my medicine and I was wondering if you were …" Prowl began but stopped as he rounded the corner to see the wedding.
It really didn't help that he had walked in on the kiss part.
Prowl looked in shock from Optimus to Ratchet to the room, before promptly falling over as his logistics circuits glitched. This caused everyone to howl, Ironhide falling over on the floor with Arcee beside him. Then, Phoenix noticed that the twins had scarpered and she kicked Jazz in the side of the head.
"Run!" She shrieked as Ratchet pulled his hands away from the flowers and aimed a wrench at Ironhide, Prime reaching for Jazz at exactly the same moment, looking for all the world like he was going to strangle Jazz.
"TWINS! WHEN I FIND YOU, YOU WILL REGRET THE ORN YOU WERE EVER ONLINED!" Ratchet roared with fury and ran after them, skirts swishing in his wake as Jazz transformed and high-tailed it out of the base, laughing as a furious semi-truck followed them in hot pursuit.
Phoenix reflected that if Prime was about to offline them both, at least they were going out in style.