"Aw there it is...the Ugly Duckling. Great place..."
Rapunzle admired the little inn.
"Well...I do like ducklings."
"YAY!"
Fiona pulled him along towards the door. In one swift motion she kicked it open.
"LADIES! I GOT MYSELF A BOYFRIEND!"
Rapunzle gasped as a variety of tough, angry-looking women turned towards him and Fiona. Different sizes and shapes, each woman had at least 3 weapons and 4 tattoos. One had a beard. Fiona pushed him along.
"You smell that blondie? That's the smell of realllll women. I don't know about you but I'd say it smells like the color brown."
Rapunzle gasped as something caught his hair. It was a small pudgy woman with a horned helmet.
He squeaked and ran forward, his hair dragging along with him.
"That's a lot of hair." said the woman.
"He's growing it out."
Rapunzle cringed in the corner but bumped into a woman with arm-hair. He yelped and ran towards Fiona, bundling his hair up into his arms.
"Hey you alright blondie? Because...if you can't handle this..." Fiona led him towards the open door "...then maybe you should get home..."
The door slammed in their face.
"Is this you?"
A stout woman with a hook on one hand was holding a poster against the door. Fiona moved the woman's large finger to reveal a cartoon drawing of her face with a scruffy beard.
"A BEARD?! Aw...now they're just being mean."
"That's her alright!" Fiona gasped as someone grabbed her by the back of her collar and hoisted her up in the air.
"N-no come on guys...put me down...HEY!"
The women began fighting over her.
"I WANT THAT REWARD!"
"I NEED A NEW HOOK!"
"I SAW HER FIRST!"
Rapunzle scrambled around the large crowd trying to get to Fiona.
"HEY LET HER GO...THAT'S MY GUIDE!"
He sighed and tossed a strand of hair towards a loose board on the ceiling. He tightened his hair and pulled before releasing it. The board hit one of the women on the head.
Rapunzle stammered as they all turned to him.
"L-look I-I need to see the floating lights at the kingdom...come on...haven't any of you had a dream."
The crowd of women hung Fiona up on a hook and approached Rapunzle. He backed up in fear. The woman with a hook glared right at Rapunzle. Her face softened.
"I had a dream once..."
Fiona stopped struggling and raised an eyebrow.
I'm malicious, mean and scary
My sneer could curdle dairy
And violence-wise, my hands are not the cleanest
"Oh god..."
But despite my evil look
And my temper and my hook
I've always yearned to be a concert pianist
"You've got to be kidding me..."
Can't you see me on the stage performin' Mozart
Ticklin' the ivories 'til they gleam?
Yep, I'd rather be called deadly
For my killer show tune medley
Thank you, 'cause way down deep inside I've got a dream
She's got a dream
She's got a dream
See, I ain't as cruel and vicious as I seem
Though I do like breaking femurs
You can count me with the dreamers
Like everybody else, I've got a dream
Fiona watched as Rapunzle sat of a stoll and happily swayed along with the tune.
I've got scars and lumps and bruises
Plus something here that oozes
And let's not even mention my complexion
But despite my extra toes
And my goiter and my nose
I really wanna make a love connection
Can't you see me with a special little laddie (Scottish accent?)
Rowin' in a rowboat down the stream?
Though I'm one disgusting blighter
I'm a lover, not a fighter
'Cause way down deep inside, I've got a dream
I've got a dream
(She's got a dream)
I've got a dream
(She's got a dream)
And I know one day romance will reign supreme
Though my face leaves people screaming
There's a child behind it, dreaming
Like everybody else, I've got a dream
Tor would like to quit and be a florist
Guntha does interior design
Ulf is into mime, Attila's cupcakes are sublime
Bruiser knits, killer sews, Fang does little puppet shows
And Vladmira collects ceramic unicorns
The women all turned to Fiona. "What about you Ryder? What's your dream?"
"Ladies...I don't sing..."
She was yanked off the hook and had three swords drawn at her neck. She jumped up onto a table.
I have dreams like you, no, really
Just much less touchy-feely
They mainly happen somewhere warm and sunny
Fiona grabbed one of Vladmira's unicorns and placed it in a bowl of sand.
On an island that I own
Tanned and rested and alone
Surrounded by enormous piles of money
Fiona sunk into the corner and watched as Rapunzle began to sing.
I've got a dream
(He's got a dream)
I've got a dream
(He's got a dream)
I just wanna see the floating lanterns gleam
Yeah
And with every passing hour
I'm so glad I left my tower
Like all you lovely folks, I've got a dream
While the rest of the crowd began to harmonize. Fiona noticed a well-dressed man standing at the window. He was fuming. He glared right at Rapunzle. Fiona could've sworn she saw wrinkles forming under his eyes. Their eyes met and the man disappeared.
She's got a dream
He's got a dream
They've got a dream
We've got a dream
So our differences ain't really that extreme
We're one big team
Call us brutal
Sick
Sadistic
And grotesquely optimistic
'Cause way down deep inside, we've got a dream
I've got a dream
I've got a dream
I've got a dream
I've got a dream
I've got a dream
I've got a dream
Yes, way down deep inside, I've got a dream
Yeah
The sound of horse came up to the doors. Rapunzle and Fiona jumped behind the bar as palace guards threw the doors open and began searching.
"WHERE'S RYDER!"
Fiona held her breath and turned to Hook-hand, who was messing with a lever. A secret passage opened up.
"Go on deary...find your dream..."
"I will..."
"Not you Ryder, I was talking to the boy."
Fiona grumbled and pulled Rapunzle down the passage
Gothen watched as Rapunzle and the thief hopped over the bar and disappeared. She spotted a woman with a hook-hand coming out from behind the bar and pushed on a lever.
"A secret passage...oh how could I let my dearest Rapunzle get mixed up with these..."
The door of the tavern opened. A wasted old woman glanced at Gothen and beamed.
"Whoa...hey there..." the woman burped "hot stuff..."
"Buzz off you drunkard...wait..."
He pulled the knife to the woman's neck.
"Where does that passage let out?"
"Those ladies were nice..."
"Yeah..." Fiona grumbled. "They were..."
"I hope they all achieve their dreams someday."
"Uhuh..." Fiona glared ahead.
"I didn't really get what your dream was..."
"Whatever..."
Fiona froze as Pascal jumped onto her shoulder. She shrieked.
"GET THIS RAT OFF OF ME!"
"Pascal omigosh..." Rapunzle grabbed it and pulled it close. "He's a ferret!"
"Nuiance..."
"Why are you so scared of him?"
"I'm not fond of rodents."
"They're not that bad."
"Ever had to sleep with them?!"
"Well Pascal has been around for awhile! He's my best friend! Wait...do you mean..."
"Forget it."
"You can tell me."
"Look!" Fiona turned around, lantern swinging with her, and pointed her finger in Rapunzle's face. "I don't do backstories Blondie. My business is my business and you ain't gonna hear none of it. I'm taking you to see this stupid lanterns and then I'm skipping town."
"You don't need to be such a sourpuss..."
Fiona glared at him through the dim light. He glared back.
"I have my satchel brat. Don't push it or you can get to the kingdom alone. I have better things to do then deal with some daddy's boy wimp who wants to see some lights."
Rapunzle glanced down at her satchel.
"What's so special about this thing anyway?"
"None of your damn business."
"Why were those guards looking for you?"
"It doesn't matter!"
"..." Rapunzle's eyes widened. "YOU'RE A CRIMINAL!"
"ooooooh THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE! I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM BEING SURPRISED!"
Rapunzle backed away from her.
"I-I'll report you! I know what you look like!"
"You wouldn't know who the hell to report to! You've spent your entire life in a TOWER! Shut off from the rest of the world! You don't know ANYTHING!"
"I DO TOO! I know what you're doing isn't right! You're a thief!"
Fiona growled at him.
"Say that again..."
Rapunzle hesitated then crossed his arms. "...thief."
Fiona snapped. She went slap him but gasped when she ended up flat on her back against the ground. She looked up and watched as he started back down the tunnel. She jumped up.
"Blondie...blondie come back...YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"
She looked down at the broken lantern. The fire was starting to dim. She grabbed some shards of rock and hit them against each other. She cursed under her breath as nothing happened.
Fiona froze as shouts came from the other end of the tunnel. She gasped as someone ran by her, pulling her along.
"WHAT THE?"
Rapunzle was the one pulling her along, but she realized the guards weren't far behind them.
"RYDER!"
Fiona ran with Rapunzle as he muttered apologies at her. "I'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorry they saw me I'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorry."
They finally reached the outside where they skidded to a stop on the cliff.
"Damn it all!"
Down below, the Stabbington Sisters burst through a wooden wall.
"Who's that?"
"They don't like me."
The guards came out of the tunnel.
"Who's that?"
"They don't like me either."
Maxin pushed aside the guards and glared at Fiona.
"Who's that?"
"Let's just assume for the moment that everyone here doesn't like me."
Rapunzle glanced around in fear, then noticed a conveniently broken piece of wood lodged in the cliff side. He mapped out an escape route and smiled.
"HERE"
He handed his frying pan to Fiona. She gaped at it.
"Where did you pu-"
Rapunzle took a very large length of hair and whipped it across the canyon. In tied onto the wood and he swung across. Landing safely on the ground, Rapunzle looked back up at Fiona, who was fighting off guards with a frying pan.
"FIONA! JUMP!"
"EXCUUUUUSE ME?"
"I SAID JUMP! I'LL CATCH YOU!"
"Think again sweetheart."
Rapunzle turned in shock as the Stabbington Sisters pointed large swords at him.
Fiona hit the last guard upside the head with the pan.
"Oh mama I have got to get me one of these..."
Ready to face her next opponent, Fiona grimaced as Maxin faced her.
"Aw shit...HEY BLONDIE STILL READY TO CATCH ME?!"
"I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!"
Fiona looked down at him. He was backing away from the Stabbington Sisters. She glanced back at Maxin.
"What are you doing Ryder?"
"Something stupid...TOODLES!"
Fiona tossed the frying pan full speed towards the sisters. She saluted to Maxin and jumped.
Fiona facial hair idea courtesy of Firestripe49