SSV Normandy SR-3, Zambezi Rainforest, Zimbabwe
29th November 2189
Ever since I'd woken up from my coma my life has been complete shit. The only bits of good news include the fact that Jack, Kelly, Jacob and Miranda were being mind-controlled by Cerberus. Finding out that my mother was trapped on the Citadel leading the resistance. The other bit of good news was that Grunt, Wrex, Mordin, Tali's dad, and Titus were still alive. I hadn't spoken to my mum but hearing her voice was enough to lift a massive load from my chest.
How come so much bad shit happens to me? I've lost so many people ever since I turned 14. I've lost my father, Ashley, Talitha, James, Nyreen, Anderson, my mother and… Jack. I could have prevented most of them. I could've chosen Ashley, I could have been more vigilant with Talitha, I should have been better so James and Nyreen wouldn't have given up their lives. Now they're all dead. My friends and loved ones keep on leaving me. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe if I wasn't around then they could be happy and most importantly ALIVE
The prognosis on the Citadel wasn't good. Out of the 15 million who inhabited the Citadel Cerberus had indoctrinated about 5 million of them. So the problem was dealing with Cerberus without hurting the 5 million thralls. Cerberus had even planted some moles in the resistance to take it out from within so their job was becoming a lot harder.
Thinking about Jennifer still hurt. Despite knowing that it wasn't her fault the image of her gunning down Anderson was fresh in my mind. Most of my nightmares involve her now. I haven't thought about Rana in months but she's been making more frequent appearances in my psyche. I've tried my best not to think about Jack too much but that was becoming a lot harder considering that I had absolutely nothing to do. I was still in recovery from my attack a couple of months ago.
I was allowed to the non-restricted areas of the ship; which was basically everywhere besides the Engine room, Captains Quarters and the Cargo Bay whenever shuttles were landing and leaving.
I spent quite a bit of time in the ships battery with Garrus and Zaeed but most of the time I was up in the CIC with Sam and Rylee. The doctor told me to stay in bed for the day since my stress levels had been on the rise for the past couple of days.
The worst part pertaining to me physically was the fact that Dr Chakwas had given me a physical. She spotted my heart problem whilst I was unconscious and according to Garrus she was absolutely fuming that none of us had come to her with it. Once I'd settled down the first thing she did was ban me from active duty. Even though I was 18 and willing to help, she wasn't going to take any chances with my condition. So no more combat for me.
I know she's acting out what she believes to be my best interest. But I need to fight! I can't just sit by the side-lines and watch my friends fight. I need to be out there with them helping. The Dr doesn't understand just how much being a soldier means to me. It's what I've been striving towards my entire life and now it's being ripped away from me. I argued vigorously at first with Hackett and Dr Chakwas but I soon realised that they weren't going to budge on the matter. Arguing was only wasting my energy so I stopped doing it as often but I never gave up. I would bring it up at least once a day
The door soon opened and it revealed a food cart with no food in it. The cart was being pushed by no one and it was getting closer to me. The incessant giggles coming from the cart were extremely familiar.
2 bodies rushed out of the cart and proceeded to jump on top of me. Jade and Oriana had been in a fit of giggles when they were jumping up and down on my bed
"NATE!" they cheered
"It's great to see you guys" I said pulling the two of them into a hug. They had been sent to live with my mum's sister Kahlee. She had left a week earlier to make sure my birthday…. My birthday celebration would be perfect and everything was set up. Thankfully she missed all of the chaos but she greatly mourned the loss of her husband.
"I've missed you" Oriana snuggled into my chest
"I've missed you guys too. Have you been good to aunt Kahlee"
"Yeah we have. She's really nice to us and she always takes us to the park. She's even helped us with our biotics."
"That's…. Javik what are you doing here?" I asked
The Prothean soldier stood in front of me dripping wet. For some reason the drill sergeants decided to choose rainy and snowy terrains since they were the hardest to move through. Thane, Garrus and Kaidan always came to me covered in water.
"I must speak with you. I discovered something during my personal search of the ship."
Judging from the look in his eyes I doubt this is something the kids need to hear or see. I told them to wait out in the mess. They reluctantly let go of me and scampered out of the Med-bay.
"What's so important Javik"
The Prothean approached the desk besides my bed and ran his fingers along it. "This ship is filled with many memories. Some are disturbing, some are joyous, some are unimportant, some are critical."
"So what?"
"I have the ability to read DNA left behind by others. Not only can I read it… but I can also share it"
With the same hand he touched the desk with he touched my forehead. A series of images appeared before me and I could see what was happening when I was unconscious. I was looking out of a girl's eyes. I could feel her emotion, her fear and emptiness. I felt her anxiety and hope. I felt how much that she cared for me. She was constantly at my side
I snapped out of the 'solipsism' when Javik removed his hand from my head. "Did you just show me my sister's memories?"
"No. Those memories are from another. They belong to that human girl with the annoying, juvenile brother. Hmm… that could still apply to Rylee. I should be more specific"
"Funny"
"Rikki, her name is Rikki"
Rikki was here that often when I was unconscious. I wasn't all that shocked that she was here. I'm aware that she may have feelings for me but I can't return the sentiment. Not while I know that Jen can be saved. I hope she can find happiness with someone else.
"So… you have a few memories in that head of yours. What's that to do with me?"
"During my travels around the ship I discovered an interesting chain of events in the past. There are traces of DNA around the ship which could help us retake the Citadel. The memories belong to your father"
That familiar chill down my spine made its appearance again. I chose to ignore it and focus on what Javik was telling me. "These memories are jumbled. They aren't coherent but they may make sense to you. I've asked your sister and they did not mean anything to her. There is one particular memory which baffles me"
"Can't you just tell me what these memories are?"
"Experiencing them is far more helpful. If you experience them then you might see something that I've missed." Javik explained
"Sorry Javik…. I really don't think that I can help you there… if neither you nor Rylee could see anything then I doubt I could add any more" I answered his request as honestly as I could.
Javik sent me a look that could freeze fire. "You can't make yourself useful can you even for one second!"
"What the-"
"We have spent the last month listening to you bicker and bitch at Dr Chakwas about how you should be back in the field. How you should be fighting with us. Yet you have done nothing to show it!"
"How can I show it if I can't fight and train with you!" I shouted
"Look at your SISTER! Rylee has been told that she couldn't fight, yet that hasn't stopped her from being helpful to the crew nor has it stopped her from training. She's on the shooting range constantly working on her accuracy and efficiency whilst you sit here and wallow in self-pity. There must come a point where you get sick of doing nothing and ACT! If you are even a fraction of the person I know you are then you'll help" Javik rebuked me.
I found myself completely stupefied by his candour. He pointed out things that I had ignored and been blind to. Thinking back on some of my previous conversations with my friends they had grown tired of me. When I spoke of Jennifer, James or my predicament they would appear bored. They listened against their will and began to resent me. I've used my condition as a crutch, an excuse to do nothing for the first time in my life. I've never felt this way before.
I felt so powerless when I was watching those millions of people die as we fled the Citadel. The last image I can remember before passing out was watching the Citadel aflame. Just thinking of it leaves me feeling empty.
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A few hours later
SSV Normandy SR-3, Engineering Deck
Javik's words had been like a cold blast of water. They were jarring and yet invigorating. I get that people are annoyed by my complaining since I've been complaining and doing nothing about it. To make me feel even worse the reason they never said anything was probably because they didn't want to aggravate my heart condition.
I was sitting in the space outside the actual engine room. I had to walk down a small flight of stairs to reach this hidey hole. The engine room was restricted access so I wasn't allowed there but I figured that not many people would look for me here. I just wanted to be alone for a while.
I began doing my usual workout of 150 push ups and 300 sit ups and 50 chin ups. I used a variety of said exercises and I was aching. It was the first time I had done it in months but to my body it was years. I accessed my biotic nodes but found that it was difficult to do. It took me a while to even get my biotics to show and it frustrated me to no end. Those two months that I did nothing were costing me. FUCK!
"See why I love this ship. Hot, sweaty men working out topless" Kasumi giggled with Rikki at her side
"Now if he were fighting Kaidan then it would be hot as fuck" Rikki added
"So true, we should charge tickets"
I stood up from the press up position and offered them a sheepish grin. "Is there any reason you two are here"
"Yes actually. Dr Chakwas is searching for you. She wants to run some tests on you" Rikki answered
"How did you find me?"
"EDI told us"
For fucks sake EDI. The school's VI was rescued by Archer and the engineering crew and placed on the ship. "EDI didn't I say not to tell anyone where I was"
"I am sorry Nathan but protocol dictates that any orders I have been given can be overruled by the following. Chief Medical Officer Chakwas, Admiral Hackett, Executive Officer Vakarian, Executive Officer Sanders and Captain Shepard"
"XO Vakarian, Sanders and Captain Shepard? Since when was Garrus the XO" I turned to face Kasumi. She merely shrugged
"In order to clarify I meant Captain Eric Shepard and Executive Officer Hannah Sanders and Executive Officer Titus Vakarian" EDI clarified.
What the fuck is going on here? I know that this was dad's old ship but I never knew any of his crew. Why did mum never tell me that she was on dad's crew? Come to think of it she's never told me how they met. No one in my house ever mentions my father because his death brings back too many memories.
"EDI what did my father do aboard this ship?"
"That information is restricted to the Citadel Council and 27 other people. These include Captain Shepard, XO Sanders, Rear Admiral David Anderson…"
"OK I get it you can't tell me"
I growled out of frustration at my lack of clout on the ship. Kasumi and Rikki gave each other a confused look and looked at me expectantly. "This was my dad's old ship"
"Wow your old man used to run this tonne of shit! That's fucking amazing" Rikki praised "Did your parent's split up or something because I've never seen him"
"He's Dead" I said coolly. That stopped her in her tracks but she didn't change her facial expression.
"That sucks. Were the two of ya close?"
"No and stop asking stupid ass questions!" I gritted through my teeth
"Fine whatever. Keeping that shit bottled up inside's probably what's fucking up your mind so much. But if you want to spend the rest of your life on the Doc's operating table keep at it" she ranted.
Something inside of me must have snapped since I found myself subconsciously lifting Rikki off of the ground. She actually smirked and started chuckling. "That's cute. 5 months ago I might have been thinking 'Oh shit what am I going do'. But now… you're laughable"
Her biotic aura overpowered my lift field and she proceeded to uses a biotic slam on me. My pain threshold had declined significantly ever since I had woken up so I was struggling to get up.
"You've been working out for only 5 minutes. I've been training for the past 5 months. The fact that you think you could even take me in your state is an insult to my abilities. Just make yourself useful and go to the Doc to be checked out. And most importantly get over your daddy issues. It's annoying as fuck and it's why you aren't as good as you should be" Rikki reprimanded me.
That was the second time that day that I had been reamed out by someone I knew. And it wasn't going to be the last eye opening experience of that day.
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SSV Normandy SR-3, Crew Deck, Mess Hall
"So Miss T'Soni how has your day been"
"Well if you must know Mr Shepard it has been tiring. Training as an information analyst isn't easy"
"Doesn't sound that hard. You listen and you write"
"You are an ass you know that" Liara cursed with a smile
"That's rude Liara, I expected better from someone as beautiful and regal as yourself"
"Well at least you got the beautiful part right" she ran her hand over her head tentacles. "How are you holding up?"
"Liara I want you to be totally honest with me… Have you found me irritating lately. I mean more so than you normally do"
She pursed her lips in a fine line and furrowed her eyebrows together. "Yes I have. I understand that your situation in particular is difficult with you losing a lot of people. But the same applies to most of us"
"Nate what I'm about to tell you stays between the two of us… the only people that know about this are Aleena, Samara, Kasumi and Javik"
Liara was fighting a tear from falling down her face "After the attack begun Cerberus raided my home and caught us unawares. We made it out of the fire escape with seconds to spare before the destroyed my home. Kasumi, my mother and I found some weapons from dead gang members on the ground. We met Aleena and Javik on the way and fought through the Presidium. Mother thought using the streets was too dangerous so she used Aria's underground tunnels. Cerberus had known about them and they were hot on our heels"
She began to breathe really quickly and tears were cascading down her cheek "Benezia… my mother lead us to a passage which would lead us straight to the Zakera Wards and the Normandy. An ATLAS MECH was gaining on us and one of its rockets had caused me to fall and sprain my ankle."
"Liara you don't have to tell me if…"
She continued her story "She pushed the 4 of us hundreds of meters forward. Before any of us could react she collapsed the tunnel. I never knew her biotics were that powerful but she did it. I tried to claw my way back to her but Javik carried me away" she was weeping.
Benezia was left behind too. Just like my mum was. Liara was feeling the same pain I felt. Then there was Tali. Her dad was left behind too and her brother was killed. She hasn't complained about it once, she channelled her pain into her hatred for Cerberus and her work in the engine room. Kaidan's parents are still on the Citadel or they could be dead and so is Garrus' dad. They'd all lost so much and here I was complaining about what I've lost. They've been able to put their pain aside and be productive and improve. I've used my pain as an excuse to bitch! I need to stop.
"Thanks for telling me Liara. It means a lot knowing you trust me that much"
"Thank you for listening. Rikki told me about your fight in Engineering"
"Yeah, she was pressing about my father. I never talk about him. The only people I've spoken about him with are Garrus, Kaidan, Anderson and… Jack"
"She may be right. After telling you about Benezia I feel much better."
"I don't know why I can't speak about him. Every time I do I feel this spike rise out of my chest and…. I'm not going to burden you guys with any more of my problems"
"I'm not trying to say you shouldn't feel bad Nate. In your life you've lost more than anyone on this ship. What happened on the Citadel may have been your breaking point and we all understand that. But we just want you to be the REAL Nate. Someone who will do whatever it takes to save lives, even if it means losing what you hold dear."
"Thanks Liara. I know that there is something that I can do to help. And I'm going to do it right now"
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SSV Normandy SR-3, Engineering Deck, Port Cargo Area
I got out of the elevator and approached the Port Cargo Area. I opened the door and the scene was not what I was expecting. There was an aquarium in here. That wasn't the unusual part. The weird thing was that there was a pile of fish bones in the aquarium. Was Javik eating the pet fish? He always came back with a massive case. Maybe he'd store the fish there until he could put it in the tank. I guess it makes sense. That way the fish is always fresh.
"Over here Shepard" the Prothean called. He was standing over a small pool of water. He made little ripples whenever he dipped his hand in the pool.
"Have you reconsidered?"
"Yes, I want to be useful"
"Good, now follow me"
He led me back to the Crew Deck. We stood directly in front of one of the beds in the crew deck. He squatted to the ground and ran his fingers along to cool metal ground. He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the ground beside him. He touched my forehead and instead of a stream of images playing it was as though I was watching a video. Let's see if Javik was right.