Hawke had quarters up along the curtain wall, as did Loghain and several of the other agents they'd acquired. Morrigan took a pair of rooms off the the garden to find herself more privacy. Skyhold was plenty big enough to accommodate them all, even little tiny children. Varania knew her niece would be human. That was what happened when elves had children with shemlen. The Dalish found it offensive, yet the Keeper often told a tale about an elf-blooded Dreamer who lived with the Sabrae clan for a time. She said their Keeper, Marethari was a good kind soul who could look past the round ears and see the elf inside the boy.
She could see it in Bethany too. The little girl had dark skin like Fenris and lovely auburn hair. Her eyes were brown as fall acorns and she smiled a lot. She had a tiny, musical voice and too long eyelashes. Varania wanted to scoop her up and kiss her to pieces but she stood back and watched silently from the open doorway.
Hawke sat on the bed, her long legs folded under her, a faint smile on her face. Fenris knelt on the floor with his daughter, holding her under her arms and talking to her with an animated voice. She would never have believed if is she wasn't seeing it.
Varania cleared her throat and Hawke looked up. She smiled. When Fenris looked up, his smile disappeared. Hawke got off the bed and swung Bethany into her arms, plopping her on to the swell of her hip.
"Come on baby girl," she said. "I hear your new Uncle Blackwall is making a rocking griffon." She smiled at her daughter. "Let's go see if he'll let us test it out." Hawke nodded at Varania knowingly as she walked out the door.
Varania was glad she hadn't tried to introduce them just yet, but she heard the little girl's voice ring out from behind her.
"Who's that pretty lady momma?" Varania flinched at the pained expression that rolled across Fenris's face when he heard it. He got to his feet and crossed his arms over his chest.
"That's the Inquisitor, " Hawke explained, her voice fading as she walked away. "She's your Aunt and we'll talk to her later."
"Oh good," Bethany's little voice replied. "I like that her face looks like mine."
Varania closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and opened them again. Fenris was staring at her, his jaw set. He fiddled with the positioning of his arms over his chest. She took another breath and tried to ignore the muscle tensing beneath her shoulder blade.
"She's beautiful," she said.
"She looks like you," Fenris groused. "And like me. Hawke complains that she only gave her the ears."
Varania couldn't help but smile at that. "I like Hawke," she said, still trying to avoid the looming subject between them. "She's been a great ally."
Fenris nodded.
It was so awkward. They just looked at each other. They looked at the walls, the floor.
"I'm sorry Fenris," she said finally and he looked up at her.
His lips thinned. "I'm sure you are." He tightened his arms around himself.
"Do you even care why?" she blurted out, unable to stop herself.
"Should I care?" he grunted. "If Danarius had succeeded, if Hawke hadn't been there..." He shook his head, frowning. "I'd be a slave and you'd be a magister and then you wouldn't be sorry at all."
"You really think that, don't you?" she asked, not really expecting him to reply. She mimicked his stance, arms folded, though hers were around her middle instead of her chest in a vain attempt to comfort herself. "I was starving to death, I was beaten by the man that employed me once he found out I was a mage. I was dying by inches when Danarius found me and offered me a way out. And I thought, if being free was so terrible for me, it couldn't be any better for you." She made a strangled sound. "Being a slave was better than being free in Tevinter. I thought...I thought I could save us both." She looked away. "I didn't know there was any other life we could have."
He sneered. "You expect me to believe that?"
"No," she replied quickly. "I expect you to scream and rant and think only about yourself." She gritted her teeth, glaring at him. "That's how you always were. You were so jealous when my magic developed and Danarius had his apprentice teach me how to read. I tried to show you and you refused. You went after the Lyrium instead; you fought like an animal to get it. Anything to show the world you were better, even if you didn't have magic." She pointed at him. "You did this to yourself and its just like you to forget everything so you could blame someone else. It was always someone else's fault." She bit back a sob that threatened to tear out of her throat. "I know we were taught that we were just tools, just things to be used. But amongst each other? Us slaves tried to comfort each other, to work together to give ourselves the best life we could but you never did, you never took part. You never helped anyone. You fought everything. You've never stopped fighting, not even now when you're more free than I'll ever be."
Fenris opened his mouth to reply. Varania could almost feel his scathing words before he said them, but instead he closed his mouth again and frowned, though it was different than before. Sadder, resigned even.
"I do fight everything, or I did at least," he admitted. "I almost lost Hawke." He sighed, though it was more like a low growl. "I don't remember much still," he said. "But I do remember more than I did before. I remember our mother and you and I remember being so fucking angry, all the time. I'm still angry."
She didn't expect him to concede anything. She was so surprised that she just looked at him dumbly, unable to process it. She'd almost expected him to attack her. Part of her wanted him to.
"I don't know that I can forgive you," he said. "But I can't forgive me either."
Varania was at a loss. "I don't need you to do anything. Except maybe not kill me. There are things I need to do first. At least wait until I figure out a way to kill Corypheus."
"I thought we killed him last time," Fenris admitted. "I don't know if it can be done."
"It has to be," Varania said. "And I'm going to find a way. Once it's over? You're welcome to tear my heart out, just like you threatened to."
"I...," he stopped and didn't finish.
She turned her back to him, almost hoping he'd just do it. She didn't want to die, but this hurt. Everything hurt.
"At Adamant," he began, before the silence overwhelmed them again. "Please take care of Hawke. She doesn't...she's willing to throw herself in front of things to save people she cares about."
"I won't let her die for me," Varania said, not looking back. "No matter what comes."
Fenris made an approving sound. "Thank you."
She never thought she'd hear him say that, but she couldn't just let it stand.
"Don't thank me yet," she said. She looked back at him over her shoulder. "But I'll do what I can." She gave him a last nod and walked back through the still open door and down the long stretch of wall between their rooms and the tower ahead that held Cullen's office. She could almost feel his eyes boring into her back, debating.
If Hawke fell, he'd try to kill her. She wasn't sure she wouldn't deserve it, but if he tried, the Inquisition was bound to kill him. Even with his lyrium brands, Fenris was just one man in a keep filled with people loyal to her, whether she deserved it or not.
For the second time, her brother's life was in her hands.
She opened the door to Cullen's office and closed if behind her stoically. Cullen was leaning over his desk, pondering over a map of the Western Approach. He looked up at the sound of the door and smiled at her.
"Inquisitor," he said. His voice was friendly and happy to see her, as he usually was. After she'd supported him as he struggled with his lyrium addiction, he'd come to see her as a friend. Sometimes, she wished this tall awkward human was her brother instead of that sullen man who shared her eyes. Varania felt her lip tremble.
Cullen saw it and came around the desk, his hand on her shoulder. "Are you well?"
Varania shook her head, but didn't dare speak. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Cullen looked at her for a moment and frowned.
"I was planning on going to speak with Cassandra about the last of the plans for Adamant. Would you like to join me?" He didn't ask what was wrong, rightfully reading on her face that she wouldn't tell him.
Varania let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. "I noticed you stopped using her title," she commented, grateful for something else to think about. "Does that mean?"
Cullen's cheeks flushed pink and his ears were suddenly red. "I...," he almost stuttered. He swallowed. "Yes."
Varania faked a smile though she was pleased to hear it. "I'm very happy for you."
Cullen looked pleased. Her heart still hurt, but she pushed it down. It was easier to be happy for Cullen and Cassandra than it was to be happy for herself anyway. However, suddenly Solas's face flashed into her head and she felt some sincerity work its way into her forced smile.
"Thank you," Cullen said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It was unexpected, but I think we're happy."
"Well, let's go then," Varania said and Cullen held out his arm. She looped her hand over his elbow. "All that blushing is bound to be distracting."
Cullen laughed. "We are that predictable."
Varania's smile slipped a little. "Most of us are."