Lillian paused outside Varric's door, wondering if sharing a pint with Isabella beforehand had really been a good idea. For some reason, the silence gave her courage and she rapt her knuckles against the wood. "I got it Daisy, keep reading..the best part's coming up.." she heard Varric say. Lillian drew in a breath, for once grateful Anders was dead so she wouldn't have two complications to deal with. The door swung open and surprise flitted briefly across Varric's face. "Hawke. Hi...figured you might stay at the palace once Sebby's dotting cousin handed over the reins...or did Choirboy fail to persuade him?" he asked.
"No, they'll be holding official festivities as soon as they settle on a date." Lillian answered. Varric nodded in acknowledgment. "Can I come in?"
"Well that depends Lavender, have you decided to confine in me after all?" Varric asked, raising his head in a faux snooty matter.
"..About..? No not exactly.." Lillian said softly.
"If you don't tell me, I'll only have to make it up..or ask Isabella.." Varric smirked. "But I don't like where this is going," Varric crossed his arms and Lillian's heart began to race. "Keeping things from me I mean...where does it end Hawke?"
"I did come here for a reason Varric. There's something we must speak about.." Lillian said.
"That right?" Varric mused, raising his head higher as if to turn his nose up at her. He was only able to hold the facade for a few more seconds before his smirk shone through. "Is Rivanni still at the bar?" Lillian nodded. Turning towards his room, Varric said. "Daisy...on second thought, why don't you take your book down to the tavern? I'm sure Isabella would be interested in reading it."
Lillian couldn't see Merrill, but she could hear her voice easily enough. "But it isn't dirty.." she argued.
"Not yet." Varric teased.
"Oh...okay!" Merrill said followed by the sound of a book snapping shut. Merrill hastened to the door, her eyes welling in surprise. "O Hawke...I thought I'd heard you but I was so in absorbed in my story I wasn't sure..you have such a nice voice I sometimes imagine you're reading to me like you do with Fenris...and I'm blabbering, sorry.."
"Maybe I'll read that book with you later Merrill.." Lillian smiled.
"I'd like that." Merrill replied happily as she ventured down the hall with the book tucked beneath her slender arm.
Varric stepped aside and gestured for Lillian to go first. Feeling a lump form in her throat, Lillian entered his suite. "Varric..I need to ask something of you..." she began, slowly pacing back and forth...
"..Okay but you should know you're making me nervous Hawke.." he replied as he perched in his lush armchair. "You're not going to force me to reveal how Bianca got her name are you?" he joked.
Lillian felt a smile tug at her troubled lips. "No..I just need you to be compliant...and open...can you do that for me?" she asked, stopping abruptly.
"About what?"
"..I can't tell you..just agree please.."
Varric mulled this over, a frown plastered on his face, his brow arched low. "...There's not a demon in the adjourning room is there?"
A laugh forced its freedom from her throat. "No.."
"Then okay Hawke, I'm compliantly open.." Varric announced, reclining. Lillian started towards him hesitantly, waging an internal war within herself once again. She paused a few feet away, causing Varric to learn forward, intense worry scribbling on his face. "Shit.." Varric mused as if sudden realization had dawned on him. "Choirboy's queer isn't he?"
"What?! No!"
"Lavender..?"
"No Varric! That's not it at all.." Lillian said.
"Then what? The suspense is killing me..Choirboy turn out to be a eunuch after all?" Varric guessed, his words were light but his tone was gruff.
"No I...I...need to know if you have feelings for me.." Lillian blurted. Surprise gleamed on Varric's face. "..Because I may...hold affection for you, deeper than friendship.." she added in a stammering fashion.
"...Well shit...Aveline and Fenris owe me 30 gold pieces each.." Varric breathed. Lillian was speechless as a smirk crossed his face. "We had a bet going on whether you actually loved Choirboy or if this chaste marriage was a gimmick, to protect yourself from falling under Anders's spell..so to speak.."
"...It wasn't a gimmick..." Lillian said.
"Then why are you here?" Varric challenged. Lillian opened her mouth but Varric answered for her. "Because you're not sure if your feelings for Sebastian are genuine or if they're forced, no matter what you may tell yourself or him."
"...Damnit this is not being compliant Varric!" Lillian snapped.
"Isn't it?" Varric challenged, though his smirk faltered slightly. "Let me ask you something Lavender- do you really want to know? Hasn't it been fun wondering?"
Lillian studied him silently for several seconds. "...Andraste's flaming sword...you..."
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't..." Varric interrupted raising his shoulders meekly. "I've never tried to figure out for sure.."
"I thought you weren't into humans.." Lillian mumbled.
"I'm not but..." he trailed off, averting his gaze.
"...There's a 'but'...?" Lillian breathed, and Varric hesitantly gazed up at her.
"What we have is unique Hawke. It isn't as simple as idolization or infatuation. I like it this way..." Varric responded.
Lillian slowly said. "If what we have is deeper than comradeship no matter how little the depth, then you should've said something when I announced Sebastian's proposal."
"And miss a chance to revel in the mystery? Never." Varric dismissed.
"Varric." Lillian pressed.
"Would it have mattered?" he asked lightly, though the words held weight.
"Yes!" Lillian blurted and it was the third time that day the reserved warrior had spoken unthinkingly. Lillian imagined her face mirrored the chagrin that Varric's did at her outburst. "...You should have said something..." she whispered.
Varric sighed softly, reclining. "What was I to say Lavender? You've always been a champion, even if you took you some time to earn the title. You're a shinning beacon of all that's good and right in the world..Maker, I'm plagiarizing Blondie now..." he realized in a grimace. "My point being, I dabble in storytelling and occasionally in shady business. That's just who I am, who I've always been.." His gaze shifted to the fireplace as he mutely added. "it would've never worked between us..but you and Choirboy, that had a chance of lasting. More so than you and Blondie anyhow."
Lillian chocked on his name. "Varric.."
"There's nothing left to say Hawke. If you want more closure than that, I'll leave." Varric replied, returning his focus to her.
"No!..No...that'll do.." she muttered. "You know I'd cry myself to sleep without my trusty dwarf.." she added with a weak smile.
"Hawke." Varric tutted, shaking his head as a rosy hue slicked across his stubbled cheeks. "...You should probably let yourself out." he suggested, sliding out of the chair and maneuvering to the fireplace. It was supposed to look casual, to sound casual, but somehow both he and Lillian knew the motion was forced. Perhaps that was what drove Lillian to cross the room, hunch down, and wrap her arms around his chest and midriff. Varric was as stiff as stone, and Lillian broke away almost immediately, not knowing it was taking every fiber of Varric's being to remain as still as he was. "Some things are better left undone.." he whispered, more to himself than her.
"...No Varric, that isn't true.." Lillian said. "If I hadn't left things undone with Anders, he may still be alive today...Elthina, the Brothers and Sisters of the Chantry, any lingering orphans, they may not have died because Anders may not have succumbed to Justice. If only I had..."
Varric turned around. "If only you had what Hawke? I don't think anything could've stopped Anders vendetta. You tried, we all tried, to steer him on a more steady path. His thoughts were Justice's thoughts remember? There was no changing that."His words had made sorrow soak into her ocean eyes and it was in that moment, that Varric realized that he did love her. "...Lavender..You can't beat yourself up over something you had no real control of. What happened, happened. We have to move on," he answered. "You're about to be Lordess of Starkhaven, Sunshine finally has a permanent place to call home...all things considered, you have relatively safe footing at the moment."
"And how long do you think that'll last Varric? Don't you think Cullen and the other templars will come after us?"
"No. I don't think that, because Sebastian won't let them. He's sticking an army, nay a nation, between you and whatever backlash Kirkwall cooks up. Which is far more than I would've been able to provide you." Varric responded.
"...Are you telling me that or are you telling yourself?" Lillian murmured.
Varric was silent a moment and he suspected that they were both fighting the same urge. "...It's the truth. You deserve better and you have better Hawke. Let's leave it at that."
All she wanted to do was kiss him, to feel what they both had been denying themselves for ages. "...There is no one better than you..." Lillian told him and with the last of her willpower, she forced herself to turn and walk towards the door. Varric imagined stopping her, grabbing her wrist, reaching for her collar and crashing his mouth against hers fully igniting the feelings that had laid dormant since the day he met her. But he didn't stop her from leaving, he remained exactly where he stood.
Without looking back, Lillian marched to the door, yanked on the handle, stepped out and shut it behind her. Resting her weight against it, Lillian tried to settle the feelings jumbling in her stomach, thumping her head against the door, silently cursing her foolishness.
"Sister?" Bethany's voice caused Lillian's eyes to fly open. "Are you okay?"
"Bethany...where's Fenris?" she asked blankly, pushing herself up.
"What's happened?"
"Nothing."
Bethany didn't believe her sister, but she decided to let it go for the moment. "Sebastian's giving him a talking to in the lobby." she replied with a mild smile. "Though I don't think Zevran's so bad..I know what he's after and he knows I know, but he's still been rather sweet."
"Where did you three go after you left the palace? You said you were headed here..." Lillian said.
"Zevran showed us where Starkhaven got its name. It was so peaceful sister, an entire pond populated by starks, just bathing and eating. The entire time, Zev was telling tales about when he traveled with our cousin...she's an arcane warrior sister, do you have any idea how rare that is?"
"No." Lillian admitted dutifully. "But I do remember Mother claiming she was half elven...that the ears had snuck through the Amell traits."
"How come I never knew? Zevran told me she had pointy ears, and that she always wore her hair up, like you.."
"She sounded like a proud woman from what Anders used to say.."
Bethany smile was short-lived. "How do you think she'll feel knowing we left Anders to die like that?"
"I don't know...she may understand...given the circumstances..." Lillian murmured.
"I hope so.." Bethany said, as Lillian's eyes darted to Sebastian and Fenris who were walking up behind Bethany.
"Everything alright Lil?" Sebastian greeted. Lillian nodded. "So Bethany, Fenris tells me Zevran was speaking of Jasslyn during your prolonged time together.."
"He was.." Bethany said.
"Lillian and I have already heard much from Anders, but I am interested in hearing what you've learned from Zevran.." Sebastian responded. "Would you care to join, Lillian, Corbinan and myself for dinner at The Dragonfly? It would be prudent for us all to be there, as this will be the first appearance I make in public.."
"Maker...I don't think I've ever ate at a proper eating establishment..." Bethany mused. "I'd love to go."
"Then let us regroup in the lobby in a half hour.." Sebastian announced with an easy smile. Lillian watched as Bethany and Fenris retreated down the hall. She didn't notice Sebastian walking up to her, until his palms embraced her hips. "You sure you're okay Lil? You seem a bit troubled.." he noted, his smoldering blue eyes boring into hers.
"...It's been a...mind-numbing day Sebastian.." Lillian replied honestly.
"It has..." Sebastian uneasily agreed.
"Do you know which barber would be appropriate for me?" Lillian asked.
Sebastian's eyebrows flew, then knitted together. "You wish to cut your hair?" he murmured as he struggled to remember the number of times Lillian hadn't worn her hair tied in a bun.
"The image of a Champion differs from an image of ruling, does it not?"
"Well yes but..."
"I don't mean to interrupt," Aveline spoke up. "But you two are barring the hallway."
As Sebastian stepped to Lillian's side, she asked. "Where have you been Aveline?"
"Securing passage for Highever. I intend to meet Donnic there.." Aveline answered readily.
"You're leaving?!" Lillian blurted.
"This was decided before I left Kirkwall...I can't just abandon my husband Hawke.." Aveline said pointedly. "And as hospitable as this place is, Starkhaven is simply not where we belong.."
"You are welcome to return anytime Aveline." Sebastian told her.
"Kind of you to say." Aveline replied as Isabella swaggered up behind her.
"You're leaving Big Girl?" she greeted.
"Tomorrow I will be." Aveline said.
"Awe, won't you wait for the festiv...oh what am I saying of course you won't.." Isabella sighed. "And here I thought I'd be the one to duck out first..."
"You wouldn't be able to leave without sleeping with half of Starkhaven first." Aveline joked.
Isabella's minor scowl was replaced with a smirk. "Oohh I'm going to miss you." she admitted wrapping Aveline in a hug. It was only then that Lillian noticed Merrill approaching.
Merrill asked cluelessly. "What's going on?"
"She's leaving us Kitten.." Isabella informed. "What took you so long anyway?"
Scuffing at the carpet with her bare feet, Merrill murmured. "It took me a moment to notice you were gone.." she admitted. "This book is far too captivating, if I didn't know better I'd say it was enchanted."
"All good stories are like that Daisy." Varric spoke up, earning the focus of Lillian and Sebastian. Varric's gaze however was solely on Aveline. "Leaving us so soon Clementine? Who's going to enforce the 'no friend-fiction' law now? Certainly not Hawke.." he teased, strutting between Lillian and her beau without so much as a glance at either of them.
Aveline turned her bemused gaze on Sebastian. "Piece of advice Lord Vael? Devise a law just for Varric." she retorted.
Varric gawked. "Aveline I'm hurt you would even say such a thing." he pouted touching his chest for emphasis, before pointing at Seb. "And don't bother yourself Choirboy, I'll be out of Starkhaven before its decree." he promised. "Hell if I wasn't allergic to parryfizzles, I'd travel with Aveline...until I recall she wants to slap a special law on me anyhow."
"What in blazes are parryfizzles?" Lillian asked. For just an instant, she wondered if Varric would ever look at her again, but just as quickly her wondering proved needless as his copper eyes met hers.
"A plant native to Highever of course." Varric answered.
"Why are they called parryfizzles? Do they block your path?" Merrill pressed.
"They sure do Daisy, at least until you pull or hack the little nuisances into submission..then they just fizzle and die.." Varric replied, gesturing with his hand.
"Did you just make this up?" Isabella asked as Sebastian tugged on Lillian's wrist and led her down the hall.
"Rivanni I thought you knew better than to ask me things like that.." Lillian heard Varric say. "Last time I encountered a parryfizzle, I nearly lost my right foot to the cold!"
Sebastian pushed through their room with Lillian on his heels. She had barely stepped more than three feet, when Sebastian closed the door and rounded on her. "What's happened Lily?" he demanded. Lillian stared at him with a confused scowl gnarling at her plush lips. "Suddenly you want to shorten your marvelous hair? And the look exchanged between you and Varric..."
"What look?" Lillian interrupted with genuine curiosity.
"You tell me." Sebastian retorted, putting his hands on his hips. "Just what were you doing while I was fetching your sister?"
Lillian couldn't help laughing. "Are you accusing me of something? Maker your jealousy knows no bonds! No wonder your parents locked you away in the Chantry.."
Sebastian took a furious step towards her, when a persistent scratching noise drew his attention to the door where Cessah was begging to come in. "You're right. My jealousy has been overbearing...it's just.."
"May I ask something?" Lillian cut in. "Would you still have wed me weren't I part-nobility? If I weren't a champion would you still have asked my hand in marriage?"
Now it was Sebastian's turn to stare, and when he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. "..You think me so shallow Lil?"
"That's not what I..."
"That I'm a slave to tradition, that I have no thoughts of my own?..Of course I'd still have married you...perhaps this is a question, better aimed at yourself..."
From the hallway, Cessah's bark rang out through the silence that endured, followed by Fenris clearing his throat. Lillian finally tore her eyes away from Sebastian. "Your cousin awaits us, as does my sister." she muttered.
Sebastian walked up to her, but Lillian didn't have the heart to meet his gaze. "Our earlier discussion Lily, rattled me as well...it is a bitter pill to swallow knowing that our marriage was conceived with imperfection...but nothing has changed between us...We are bond to each other in the sight of the Maker as well as His bride. I love you no less than I did yesterday...I hope you can say the same about me.." As Lillian looked up at him, she came to a conclusion of her own and it consisted of bad tidings.
Sebastian had barely stepped in the door's direction when Cessah let himself in, revealing Fenris leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. "Bethany wants to see you Hawke. Alone." he informed.
"Is something the matter?" Lillian asked.
"I don't know." Fenris answered hesitantly. "Our room is the last on the right..."
With a brief glance at her husband, Lillian set out down the hall. She rapt on Bethany's door once, paused a few seconds, then knocked twice more. It was an old code they used in Fereldan, a signal that meant it was safe to come out, that no templars were lurking about. "Come in." Bethany's soft voice said, barely audible behind the wooden door. Lillian entered and found her sister sitting on one of the beds.
"Please in Andraste's name, tell me this isn't about Zevran.." Lillian jokingly pled with a sour smile.
Bethany returned the bittersweet grin. "No. It's just that we havent had a real chance to talk since we've arrived...and I cant help noticing things are tense between you and Sebastian..Are you okay sister?"
"..Yes..of course..I'm just.."
"Lying."
Lillian studied Bethany, then sighed. "Can everyone tell when I'm lying?" she fretted, siting down beside her sister.
"We Hawkes have always been terrible liars, though I still think Carver was worse.." Bethany mused with a sad smile. "I'm not trying to pry, I just noticed in the hall that you looked..well like something was bothering you..."
Lillian debated telling Bethany the truth, but she was afraid her sister would scorn her if she did. "It's nothing sister..."she said hoping she was lying more convincingly now.
"It's Varric isn't it?" Bethany pried, and Lillian realized she still lacked the proper way to lie. "You were outside his door...and you were devastated...Does he not feel the same way?"
"..What?" Lillian gawked in genuine surprise.
"I've had the suspicion ever since we started collecting coin for the deep roads expedition...but nothing ever came of it." Bethany explained.
Lillian attempted to swallow the shock she felt. "..How could you've known how I felt when I didn't myself?"
A feeble smile nipped on Bethany's lips. "There's that saying - true love is blind.."
"Oh Maker.." Lillian groaned sinking backwards onto the bed. Shielding her face with the folds of her arms, she hesitantly asked. "Do you remember what you were saying on the voyage here? ..About my wedding ring?"
Bethany's face clouded into indecisiveness, but she answered. "Yes."
Lillian peeked at her sister. "Tell me that was drunken nonsense.."
"...I wish it were..." Bethany muttered, avoiding eye contact.
Lillian unfolded her arms, gazing at her ring finger. "It bears the mark of Tethras..." she said to herself. A contorted smile lodged itself onto her face, as she lowered her arms then pushed herself up on her elbows. "An inside joke between Varric and Isabella no doubt...I remember Sebastian telling me she helped pick out the ring...those blighters..."
"Maybe he had planned to give it to you himself and when he realized that was no longer an option he..."
"Don't! Please..don't finish that sentence.."
There were very few times Bethany could recall seeing her sister as upset as she was right now. "...I'm sorry." she told Lillian.
Lillian sat up, massaging the base of her neck in an effort to ease her anxiety. "While we're alone, I must ask - do you like it here?" she responded.
Bethany's eyes strayed to the window as she replied. "It's peaceful, and its beauty is rather staggering...flawless one might say..." Her eyes returned to Lillian. "But I'm not sure it's home. What happened in Kirkwall isn't going to simply fade away. Our story's not over sister, I think you know that. You may want it to be, I sort of want it to be..but staying here until we're both elderly..it would be a mistake. It isn't who you are Lily...and I dont think it's who I am either." Bethany rose off the bed and paced a bit. "It's strange..I wanted this for so long, someplace safe, somewhere where we could settle down...but that was before the Blight struck...before we lost our family...to have it now, this safety, when something dire is looming..it just feels wrong.." Bethany finished.
"..What do you want to do?" Lillian asked softly.
"Truthfully, I want to leave with Jaslynn when she comes. Anders was my friend too sis..I doubt he ever told you, but he used to steal your stationary and write me under the penname "Mr. Wiggums"." Bethany smiled but it was only momentary. "I want to honor his sacrifice. I want to be a part of whatever happens for mage-kind." Bethany answered.
"I won't stop you." Lillian murmured.
"I know you won't...but I want you to be happy sister. If you truly dont wish to rule this land with Sebastian, tell him. " Bethany whispered. Cessah barked outside their door. "..Time for dinner...but please Lily, think about what I said..it's not too late.."
"..Isn't it?" Lillian replied dryly.
A/N - I put a lot of effort into perfecting the scene between Hawke and Varric...it was almost a soul-searching event for a Vawke shipper such as myself. So a review would mean the world to me. ;3