Anna had traversed mountains, battled snow-monsters, and had crazy men swing swords at her, but nothing – nothing – could compare to what she was about to face. Today was going to be the greatest challenge of her life.

"There is an issue that has plagued every single member of this family."

Elsa was at the head of the gallery behind a table containing a handful of thick, ancient tomes with titles like The Reproductive System: An Academic Analysis, Sex and Royal Politics, and An Enlightened Nineteenth-Century Exploration of Female Sexuality (and Other Myths).

"I brought us here today so we can discuss this like mature adults," said Elsa. "Any concerns or questions any of us have about sex will be resolved by the time we leave this room."

Anna wanted to bury herself in the couch cushions. She was okay with weirdness, but talking candidly about the birds and the bees with her boyfriend, her sister, and the snowman she built when she was five crossed the weirdness line even for her. Anna did a quick headcount. On one couch sat Olaf, who had on a big, goofy grin, and right beside him sat Fritz, who was blushing so hard he looked almost delirious. On an armchair at the far side of the room sat Mary, the only one listening attentively. And on the second couch, Anna and Kristoff were sitting side by side with Sven curled up at their feet. He'd been allowed inside just this once on Kristoff's insistence that a family meeting had to include every family member. Every so often, Kristoff would snicker to himself and pass Sven a carrot from the gigantic bowl in his lap.

"I can't wait to learn about sex!" said Olaf. "I have no idea what it is, but it sounds awesome."

"Does Olaf really have to be here?" groaned Anna.

"Yes." Elsa stood stalk-straight, her voice perfectly level and controlled. "He keeps walking in on the maids' changing room, and he needs to learn why that's not okay."

"Is that not okay?" asked Kristoff. "I mean, Olaf's not a human. Sven sees me naked all the time, and he doesn't care."

"Okay, it's been two minutes, and I've already heard way too much information," said Anna. "Do we have to do this in a big group, Elsa? Can't you just do it with us one at a time?"

Crunch went a carrot.

"No, I think it will be better if we all do it in front of each other," said Elsa.

Crunch.

Elsa bowed her head. "Listen, I know this is awkward and uncomfortable for everybody, but I would appreciate it if you could look past that. I'm glad all of you came."

Crunch.

Her head shot towards a certain boy-and-reindeer duo. "What are you doing?"

"Wha? Oh-" Kristoff swallowed noisily, then said, "Me and Sven are playing a game. Eat a carrot every time someone-"

"Well, stop it," cut in Elsa. "I'm not in the mood."

Crunch.

Elsa scowled.

"Sorry," muttered Kristoff.

"As I was saying," Elsa said sharply, "it seems to me that most of these problems arose out of ignorance. I thought it would be beneficial for us to go in a circle and share what we know about sex and where we learned it from. Are there any questions before we start?"

Olaf raised a stick-arm into the air. "When we're done, are we all going to have sex with each other?"

There was a mixture of giggles and groans from the rest of the group, but Elsa fought to keep her composure. "No. No, we are not. Once you've learned what sex is, you'll see why that question is-"

"I already know how to have sex," said the voice of Sven. "Can I be excused?"

Elsa's eyes narrowed and fell on Kristoff. "Bjorgman, this is not the time to be making silly voices for your reindeer."

"Sorry, sorry..."

Elsa took a breath, then returned her attention to the group. "I'll go first. Anna's and my parents were strict about these matters. I didn't have a clue about sex until I was fourteen, when I stumbled across it by accident in my biology textbook. I went to our mother, but her explanation was vague. I'm sure our parents meant to tell me more someday, but..." Her voice trailed off. "Anyways, I've learned the finer details on my own." She gestured to the books on the table.

"When my powers were out of control, I assumed sex was something I'd never experience. Even now, I'm worried I'd hurt my partner. My powers respond to intense emotion, and, well, it doesn't get more intense than sex, does it?" She let out a soft chuckle. "But I don't have any problems with staying chaste. Maybe I'll change my mind one day, but I don't want a partner right now."

"Yeah, well, who needs partners when you've got ice powers? Cold never bothered you, am I right?" Anna wiggled her eyebrows.

Elsa stared at her. "I hope you're not insinuating what I think you're insinuating."

Anna stifled a giggle. "This meeting's for talking about candid stuff, right? No need to be shy, Elsa. I mean, if I had ice powers-"

"I would never use my magic to do something vulgar," said Elsa.

"Come on, you can't seriously tell me you've never once tried to-" Anna caught sight of Elsa's face. "Oh goodness, you are serious."

Elsa gave a patient smile. "So long as we're being candid, why don't you share how you learned about sex?"

"Alright, alright..." Anna hid her eyes in her hands. "Nobody laugh, okay?"

There was a collective reassurance from the group.

"This was back when Elsa was still locked in her room all the time. One day, one of the royal guards got sick, and our parents had to hire a new one. This was a huge deal because our parents never hired new staff, and this guy was gorgeous. I mean, he was-" Anna paused, then said, "-almost as handsome as Kristoff."

"Nice save," smirked Kristoff.

"Anyways, I kinda sorta stalked him, and there might have been a heartfelt declaration of love involved, but in the end he turned me down because he was, like, three times my age. Then he went to my parents and they, y'know, decided to go ahead and tell me about the birds and the bees." She sighed and said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "And then I never threw myself at a stranger again." Before anyone had time to react, Anna grabbed Kristoff's arm and said, "Your turn!"

"Are you sure I should have a turn?" Kristoff raised an eyebrow. "I was raised by the 'love experts,' remember? I learned everything."

Elsa went red. "Maybe we'll skip you, if you don't mind..."

"Yeah, good call."

"Ooh! Ooh! That makes it my turn!" Olaf bounced on his cushion eagerly. "I didn't know a thing about sex until one day Elsa came to me and said we were having a family meeting about it, and then she brought me here, and we all started talking about when we first learned about-"

"We get the idea." Elsa turned to Fritz, who gave a start and yanked his fingernails out of his mouth. "It's your turn to share, Fritz."

"Well, I, uh, I-" Fritz usually gave off the impression that he'd like to turn invisible on the spot, but now he was giving off the impression that he wanted his atoms scattered to the four corners of the globe. "After my dad walked out, my momma got pretty anti-sex, so I, uh, I kinda picked up on the general idea, but I never necessarily learned the exact... mechanics."

Elsa immediately shot Anna and Kristoff a look that just dared them to laugh, then said, "It's perfectly alright, Fritz. That's what this meeting is for. Here, let me explain it to you."

Every inch of Fritz's skin burned red. "You really don't have to-"

"Yes I do," said Elsa, locking eyes with him. "This is important. You see, men and women each have their own-"

As the speech went on, there were squeaks of shock and horror from Fritz, peppered by Olaf's exclamations of "Really?" and "Wow, the more you know!" and "Oh come on, you're making that up!"

"-and nine months later, the baby is born," Elsa concluded. "Does that answer all your questions, Fritz?"

"I- Guh- Ah- Y-Yeah." Fritz's vocabulary had devolved to monosyllabic. It was a good thing he'd already been sitting down.

"I still don't get it," said Olaf. "Could we do a live demonstration so I can picture it better in my head?"

"No, that would be inappropriate." With a flick of her wrist, Elsa conjured up some ice-shapes in the air. "If you need an illustration, imagine this is the-"

There was a simultaneous scream of "No!" from every other person in the room.

Elsa flushed and dissolved her ice. "I'm just trying to-"

"What happened to not doing anything vulgar?" asked Kristoff.

Elsa rolled her eyes. "That was a scientific illustration. And here I thought I was the prudish one."

"Are you sure we can't do a live demonstration?" frowned Olaf.

"Yes." Elsa made an impatient huff. "I don't think you understand. Sex is intimate. It's only done in private."

"So a live demonstration is off the table then?"

"Yes! Off the table! Now stop hammering me like this!"

Crunch went a carrot.

Slowly, as if she couldn't believe her ears, Elsa turned her death gaze towards Kristoff.

"Oh, no, that wasn't-" Kristoff hurriedly swallowed his half. "That wasn't part of the game. Sven was just hungry."

Elsa looked about one crunch away from sending Kristoff back to the ice age, but instead she took a deep breath and turned towards Mary. "Well, you've been awfully quiet, honey. It's your turn."

"Wait!" gasped Olaf. "We forgot Sven! How did Sven learn about sex?"

"What? Oh, uh..." Kristoff pondered this for a minute. "I guess he just knows. Instincts and all that."

Olaf stared at the reindeer in awe.

Mary sat up in her seat, brushed a strand of snow-hair from her eyes, and pushed her glasses up her nose. "Well, I first learned about sex from..." Her eyes flickered towards Anna and Kristoff. "...my human anatomy book. Mama, I appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me properly, but I..." Her eyes moved towards the floor. "I don't think it's something I could ever experience."

"Mary." Elsa glided across the room to give Mary a hug. "Take it from me, you can't dwell on what makes you different from other people. You'll never find happiness that way."

It was at this moment that Olaf leaned into Sven's ear and whispered, "Tell me your secrets, sex oracle."

Kristoff turned to Mary. "Well, are you okay with being sexless? Because I'd think Elsa could change that if you wanted. If she can give her snowmen working eyeballs, I'd say any organ's fair game."

Mary shook her head. "My body would still be freezing cold. But... But I guess it doesn't matter." She rose out of her armchair and made her way towards Fritz. "Fritz and I love each other no matter what." She took his hand in hers. "I am so, so sorry about last night. I had no idea what I was doing, and I made a mistake. Can you forgive me?"

"Uh, yeah, I-" Fritz shrank back, tugging his hand free. "Um, Mary, the thing is, I, uh..."

"What is it, sweetie?" frowned Mary. "You can tell me anything."

Fritz raised an eyebrow. "Anything?"

Mary nodded. "Anything."

"Okay, well..." Fritz took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. "You've been really scary lately, what with breaking someone's leg and, y'know, trying stuff with me, and, well, I'm just now getting my life back in order, cutting ties with my momma and having a real job, so, uh, I don't want to let myself get pushed around. I need to be assertive, and- and- and-" Fritz stood up and took a few steps back. Once he was a safe distance from Mary, he said, "I don't want to date you right now."

The faces of Elsa's snowmen were made of ice and snow, but they were no less expressive. Elsa's magic had represented even the most minute muscle movements perfectly. If she hadn't cheated by using magic, Elsa really should've won an ice-sculpting award for giving Mary the most accurate "my boyfriend broke up with me" face ever.

"What?" Mary said faintly.

"I liked what we had, but I'm just not comfortable anymore," Fritz said to his own feet. "I really think we should spend some time apart, but I wish you the best, and, y'know, maybe in the future, we could give it another try, but... not now."

"But- But-" Mary's lip started quivering.

Fritz tried and failed to smile. "I hope we can still be fr-"

"How dare you?"

Every other person in the gallery flinched at Mary's outburst. Even Sven seemed to sense something was wrong.

"Liar!" Mary spat. "I know what this is about! You expect me to believe that you just happen to break up with me right when you learn I can't have sex?"

"What?" Fritz turned red, but this time it wasn't out of embarrassment. "I never asked you for sex! You're the one who wanted to make out with me! You're the one who crawls into my bed every night to cuddle! You're the one who showed up naked in my room and grabbed my belt!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kristoff hopped up and ran towards them, waving his arms in a soothing gesture. "Friends-with-love-experts guy coming through. How about we all calm down before we-"

"You never loved me!" yelled Mary. "You just want to sleep with Elsa, but since she won't have you, you went to me instead!"

"-say things we'll regret?"

"But- But you- That's- That's so unfair!" Even at his angriest, Fritz was still an anxious, stuttering mess.

"Wait a minute," said Olaf. "Can three people date each other at the same time? Because if so, I think I have a way to solve this-"

"Don't you dare deny it, Fritz!" spat Mary. "If I was a gorgeous human woman like Elsa, would you be complaining about me 'trying stuff' you? Would you?"

"Mary."

One voice rose above the others. It wasn't the loudest voice, but it was punctuated by the howling winter winds. A blast of cold air hit Mary's face, sending her head spinning towards a certain unhappy-looking Snow Queen.

"I think it would be best if you went to your room until you've composed yourself," said Elsa.

Mary scowled. "I'm fine where I am."

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to be polite." Elsa pointed to the door. "I wasn't giving you a choice."

Mary's face fell. "Yes, Mama..." She gave Fritz one last glare before storming out, slamming the door behind her.

With Mary gone, a long, dead silence filled the gallery.

"This was fun!" said Olaf brightly. "We should have family sex meetings more often."