A/N: I AM SO SORRY! I know this took forever. My only excuse is that it was midterms week and I also now have play practice every night for three hours . . . anyways, yeah. I hope you don't hate me.

This chapter is dedicated to Mabudachi-trio

Oh and, by the way, BBC owns Merlin. I don't. And that's probably a good thing.

MERLIN POV

Merlin wasn't in the tavern, he wasn't even in the town. He knew that he'd be found out when he didn't bring back many, if any, herbs when he returned to the citadel, but he needed to get out and think over what had happened. He sat on the bank of the lake, wishing so much that Freya could still talk to him. She'd probably know what to say.

"I can't do it anymore." Merlin said dejectedly. "Screw destiny, I just can't do it. I can't keep lying to Arthur. I can't keep lying to the knights. I can't keep doing nothing while other, innocent, magic-users are hunted down like animals. I just . . . can't. I wish you were here, Freya." He picked up a stick, scratching absently in the dirt. His wrist was a little sore, but he ignored it. Merlin could, of course, have gone to talk to Kilghara, but that would most likely not end well.

The lake and its clearing were tranquil. The morning sunlight filtering through the green leaves, dappling the grass with golden spots. The birds were chirping quietly in the underbrush and treetops, not having a care in the world. Merlin could almost hear the flowers growing, their colors danced across the clearing as the breeze wound through them.

A strong wind blew through the trees, causing Merlin to jump and look around suddenly. He calmed down quickly, but continued to look over his shoulder as he sat at the waterside. Merlin sat there, just looking out over the water, until the sun was high overhead. With a whispered good bye and a toss of the stick into the water, Merlin walked away.

Merlin let his eyes wonder across the ground around him as he walked, looking for any herbs on the way. He saw a patch of nettles, and almost exclaimed aloud, because Gaius had been complaining earlier about a shortage of nettle leaves and roots.

Quickly, Merlin went over to the tall, green, spiky-leaved plants and set to digging them up. The ground was still soft from all the rain they had gotten recently, and the roots were easy to clean. There was no water anywhere, so Merlin simply scraped the mud off with his hands, getting some nice stings along the way. The pain didn't bother him really, it was almost nice. It gave him something other than the darkness to dwell on, though it wasn't as bad in the forest as it was when he was around people. He didn't constantly see people he was lying to while he was here.

Merlin filled the basket with the nettles, and continued through the forest. He was pretty sure Arthur would be livid once he get back, because there was no way it would take almost half the day to pick a bunch of nettles. Oh well. The prat could be as livid as he liked, Merlin needed some time to himself.

He was still a half-mile from the edge of the forest when he heard his name. "Merlin!" Merlin stopped, sighed, and turned to face Gwaine. "You've been gone for hours! Where were . . . are those nettle stings?" I answer, Merlin hefted the basket. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that!" Gwaine turned to call over his shoulder. "I found 'im guys!" There was a sound in the distance, and Gwaine turned back to Merlin, frowning. "You sure you're alright?"

Merlin mentally shook himself, remembering suddenly that he couldn't let the knights know anything going on in his head right now. Although he was pretty sure they suspected a lot. "I'm fine," he said, plastering a smile on his face. "Just a little tired. Why?"

Gwaine was still studying him with eyes far more intense than he was used to, and Merlin started wondering if Gwaine somehow did know what he had done the night before. "You haven't been yourself lately," Gwaine said. "Something's wrong, something's bothering you. Why won't you tell us what it is?"

"Nothing's wrong, Gwaine," Merlin said, and he knew that his smile was very see-through. Gwaine simply 'Hmm'ed and looked Merlin up and down as Lancelot and Elyan came jogging towards them.

"Merlin!" Lancelot called. "We've been looking for you all day!"

"You must have had very little faith in my message that Arthur was planning extra training today, which, by the way, I was telling the truth about." Merlin raised his eyebrows at Elyan's expression. "Which, I would guess, Gwaine forgot to mention to you?" He was given his answer when Elyan glared at the back of Gwaine's head.

"Oh don't worry," Gwaine said, waving an airy hand. "I can deal with Queeny when we get back."

"Good luck," Merlin muttered under his breath. "Don't worry 'bout us," Lancelot said. "Are you-?"

"As I have already told Gwaine, I am fine!" Merlin said, in a voice that he hoped brooked no argument. Lancelot's brows drew together, and he could almost feel Elyan's concerned glance on him. Merlin realized that he may have been a little too assertive, but he was tired and Arthur . . . well, he'd already be angry at his knights. And he might not take all his anger out on them. Not that he wanted them to. They had only missed training because he had worried them enough to cause them to come after him. Another thing he'd feel guilty for later. Although that guilt certainly paled next to the lies he had told and deaths he could possibly have prevented, and didn't.

"Shall we go back? Better sooner than later," Elyan said eventually, after a semi-awkward silence had fallen. So, they began to walk back through the now quiet forest. The sun was starting to creep lower in the sky, and their shadows stretched ahead of them as they reached the edge of the forest. Merlin noticed that Gwaine and Lancelot were sticking closer to him than normal. Even Elyan, who Merlin was pretty sure was very confused as to what was going on, was still sending concerned glances his way.

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