Gerda caught herself halfway through the doorway of the queen's bedroom. There wasn't much point coming in here, was there? Queen Elsa was off in Pagania – Gerda doubted anyone had been in her room all week. Gerda had only come in out of habit. For the last nineteen years, she'd stuck to her routine of scouring the clothes off Anna's bedroom floor, then coming straight to Elsa's room to collect her neatly-folded pile. But it'd been months since Queen Elsa had left Gerda any laundry.

She couldn't help but find this troubling. Yes, Queen Elsa's dress was magically woven from ice, but ice got stinky and sweaty, too, didn't it? Of course, there was nothing stopping Queen Elsa from simply erasing the dress and conjuring a fresh one, but that was even more troubling. When Elsa erased the old dress, did the stink and sweat get erased with it? If not, where did all that filth go? Did it fall to the floor? Was Queen Elsa leaving piles of filth at her feet every time she spawned a new dress?

Why had Queen Elsa decided to wear ice in the first place? She ran into the wilderness and scaled an entire mountain on foot, and her first impulse upon reaching the peak was to make herself a skimpier outfit? Ugh, kids these days...

Wait. Gerda halted mid-thought. Now that she took a closer look at it, Gerda could plainly see that Elsa's room wasn't untouched after all. The bed was unmade. No, not unmade... It looked like the sheet had been dragged off, and – Gerda gave a start – It was torn! Shredded to pieces!

Next Gerda spotted a lantern lying on its side beneath some jagged gashes in the wallpaper. Those couldn't be claw marks, could they? No, no, that was impossible. There hadn't been a wild animal in the castle since Anna was twelve.

Gerda took a deep breath. There was nothing to panic about. A squirrel had probably just climbed in through the window and gotten trapped, that was all. A harmless little squirrel.

All of a sudden, a low growl hit Gerda's ears from behind. Gerda froze, eyes going wide, and slowly turned around.

"Raaaaarwr!"

"Aaaaaaaagh!"

If any game required quiet contemplation and well-planned strategy, Anna was a master at it. You'd never think it just by looking at her, but years trapped inside a gigantic, empty castle had turned Anna into the greatest chess player in all of Arendelle.

"Bam! My pawn took down your rook! Now it levels up into the shining white mage queen and gets three attacks per round!"

She'd even made some improvements to the game.

"Alright, your turn, Mary." Anna was currently sitting in a chair at Mary's bedside. The chess board was set at the edge of the mattress, which Mary was sprawled across theatrically. She was starting to look more like a noodle than a snowwoman. "Mary? C'mon, it's your turn."

Mary gave her a sullen look.

Anna let out a resigned sigh. "Okay, fine, I'll move for you."

Anna examined the board and frowned. Suddenly, she pointed behind Mary, yelled, "Whoa, check out the size of that spider!" and hurriedly rearranged some pieces. It would've been the perfect crime if Mary had actually turned around. "Whoops, look at that, I left my king wide open. All you've got to do is move here and it's checkmate."

Mary remained limp.

"Come on, Mary!" Anna threw her hands in the air. "You've got to stop being angsty eventually!"

"Sounds like someone's having fun." Just then, the door swung open.

"Kristoff!" Anna hopped up and zoomed across the room to give her boyfriend a big smack on the lips. "You're back early!"

"Yeah, there wasn't much ice to deliver." Kristoff's eyes fell on a certain floppy snowwoman. "What's up with Mary?"

"Oh, right. Uh... Let's step outside for a sec." Anna took Kristoff's hand and led him into the hallway.

Once Mary was safely out of earshot, Anna said, "Okay, here's the rundown: When she learned Elsa had to go to Pagania, Mary freaked out and they had a fight and Mary got upset and locked herself in her room – or at least we thought she had – and Elsa didn't talk to her for days and Mary never left her room and I wanted to jimmy the lock and drag her out of there, but did Elsa listen to me? Nooooooo. So then Olaf finally picked the lock and it turned out Mary wasn't there! She'd climbed out a window and run away, so then Elsa had the guards track her down, but there was nothing left of her but an eyeball!"

"What?"

"We think Mary tried to melt herself, and not because she really likes summer, y'know what I'm saying?"

"You mean she's suicidal?"

Anna bowed her head. "Maybe. We're not sure. And it's made Elsa even more upset, but then she had to sail off to Pogogo or wherever, so it's up to me to make Mary stop being depressed, and I don't know what to do! She was starting to open up to me at first, but Elsa's been gone so long that Mary's pretty much catatonic now."

"Hmm..." Kristoff brought a hand to his forehead. "A suicidal snowman? Well, keep her away from ovens and fireplaces and she'll be fine."

"Kristoff."

"I'm serious! How else are snowmen supposed to kill themselves?"

Anna opened her mouth, but her retort was cut off by an earsplitting shriek.

"What was that?" The couple dashed into Elsa's bedroom to find Gerda standing on a chair next to an overturned laundry basket. The old maid was trembling so hard, she looked like she might faint any second now.

"Monster! Monster!" Gerda shrieked. "I could've died! I could've-"

"Gerda, calm down!" said Anna, running to her side. "What's going on? What monster?"

Gerda threw her arms around Anna, breathing heavily. "I saw it out the corner of my eye! It was as big as a dog with claws and teeth and- and it did that!" She pointed to the wallpaper, which had been sliced full of gashes.

"Hmm..." Kristoff knelt down to examine the claw marks. "Looks a lot smaller than a dog, actually. Maybe some kind of lemming?"

"It was no normal animal!" said Gerda. "It was pale and shiny like a phantom. Nearly took a chunk outta me. Ran out the door right before you two got here."

"Whoa. You hear that, Kristoff? There's a monster loose in the castle." Anna's face lit up. "That's awesome!" She grabbed his arm. "Come on! It couldn't have gone far!"

"We'd better alert the guards," said Kristoff. "I'm sure they can catch this thing."

"Right, right, we could do that," nodded Anna. "Or we could catch it ourselves. Let's go!"

"What? Why should we catch it ourselves?"

"What part of 'awesome' don't you understand?"

"An albino lemming got into the castle," said Kristoff flatly. "Yeah, real awesome."

Anna rolled her eyes. "Ugh, that's got to be the lamest thing you could possibly come up with. Haven't you read any Nansina Drude books? This could be a werewolf or a shadow boar or a troll-"

Kristoff gave her a look.

"A friendly troll who got lost!" Anna quickly added. "The point is, the proper authorities are always useless in mystery novels. The monster's got to be caught by a group of teenagers with a wacky animal sidekick."

"You know I'm in my twenties, right?" said Kristoff. "And where are we supposed to find a wacky animal, anyways?"

"Do I have to get involved?" groaned the voice of Sven.

Anna had gathered Kristoff, Mary, Olaf, and Sven into the castle entrance hall. They were the perfect team: the blonde leader guy, his hot girlfriend, the glasses-wearing smart girl, and the useless goofball with an animal friend.

"Oh, come on, Sven!" Anna retrieved a delectable orange vegetable from her pocket. "Would you do it for a carrot?" She dangled it before his nose enticingly.

Apparently, there were no depths to which Sven wouldn't sink for a carrot snack.

Kristoff grumbled and shifted his weight. "Remind me why I'm carrying her again." He glared at Mary, who was hanging limply in his arms, a dead look in her eyes.

"Because Mary needs to feel included," said Anna. "And she wasn't gonna get out of bed if we didn't drag her."

"But why do I have to carry her?"

"She's made of ice. Carrying ice is your job."

"Wow, for you, that's downright sensible."

"I can't wait to find the monster!" Olaf bounced in place with excitement. "I bet it's one of those phantoms I've been looking for." He turned to Kristoff. "And it's great that Sven could be here, too. I didn't think wild animals were allowed in the castle."

"Sven's not wild – He's domestic," said Kristoff. "If he was wild, he'd be a caribou."

"Really?" Olaf gave Sven an incredulous look, like he might morph into a caribou on the spot. "Gee, who knew science was so powerful?"

"Alright, 'gang-'" Kristoff made a point of rolling his eyes. "-let's split up and search for clues."

"That sounds boring," said Anna. "I've got a better idea! Let's build a trap to catch the monster! We can use Olaf and Sven as bait."

"Sure," said Kristoff, bringing his face to his palm. "Why the heck not?" Kristoff never really tried to fight back against the insanity anymore. He'd given up around the time he started dating it.

"Okay, here's the plan."

Half an hour later, Anna and Kristoff were standing in one of the castle's numerous nondescript hallways. Mary was still in Kristoff's arms, looking as lifeless and dejected as ever.

"When the monster chases Olaf and Sven this way, it'll break this tripwire-" Anna pointed to the near-invisible wire she'd strung across the middle of the hall. "-which will activate this pulley, which will make this suit of armor swing its ax-" She pointed to the pulley and ax in turn. "-which will break this rope and make this big crate fall on the monster, trapping it. It's foolproof!" Anna overlooked her work proudly.

"Yeah, rock solid plan you've got there," said Kristoff, "but, y'know, as a general rule of thumb, the more parts there are, the less likely a plan is to-"

"Shh! Hold that thought." Anna spun towards the empty hallway. "I hear them coming!"

A second later, Olaf dashed towards them on the back of Sven. It was moving too fast to make out, but there was definitely something small and shiny in hot pursuit. Sven's hooves trampled the tripwire. There was a blur of pulleys spinning and axes swinging and ropes snapping, and when the chaos died down, the crate had plopped itself firmly on the carpet. A distinct banging and hissing was coming from within.

"It worked." Every last drop of snark had evaporated from Kristoff's voice. He stared at the crate, his jaw hanging open. "It- It- That doesn't-"

"Ha ha! Flawless victory!" Anna skipped over to the crate to claim her prize.

Kristoff was paralyzed with shock. That didn't- She couldn't- Oh God. Oh God. Anna's twisted imagination was spilling out and contaminating the real world now. Soon all of reality would be as crazy as she was. Kristoff felt weak at the knees just thinking about it.

"Ooh! Ooh! What is it?" asked Olaf, hopping off Sven's back. "Please be a phantom, please be a phantom, please be a..."

"It's..." Slowly, cautiously, Anna lifted up the crate to peek inside. "It's..." She gasped.

"What? What is it?" asked a concerned Kristoff.

"It's adorable! I'm keeping it!"

Kristoff let out a self-pitying groan and locked eyes with Mary. Now he knew how she felt.

As anyone who knew their geography would tell you, Pagania was located on the coast of Northern Europe, west of Arendelle and south of the Southern Isles. Only the most illiterate of illiterates would struggle to find it on a map. Pagania didn't exactly have a tropical climate, but it rarely saw snow before December – maybe late November if it was a particularly cold year. The Paganians definitely weren't used to seeing snow in in the middle of April.

Elsa walked through the clean, marble streets of Pagania, pushing past adoring citizens and flurries of snowflakes. She could hardly keep from grinning. Finally, some people who appreciated having their country covered in snow! Elsa had never intentionally used her magic over such a large area before, but something about the Paganians' enthusiasm had emboldened her. There was nothing to worry about, though – Elsa was keeping things at a light dusting. Just enough for children to have something to play in.

Elsa and her procession of guards marched into the cathedral. A couple flights of stairs from the entrance was an enormous dining hall holding an equally enormous table, which was packed to the brim with nothing but the finest of Paganian meats, fruits, and, of course, chocolate. Elsa's stomach growled. A lesser goddess would've been sick of chocolate by now.

The next several hours were spent eating and talking and being lavished with praise. Elsa could hardly go two minutes without being asked to show off her magic. The Paganians never got tired of it, and the tiniest of snowballs was enough to illicit applause. It was incredible.

It was as she was making her dozenth ice-sculpture for the crowd that a thought struck Elsa – Why hadn't her parents let her visit here when she was little? Well, Elsa supposed the Paganians wouldn't have been as welcoming if her powers were out of control, but on the other hand, if Elsa had known there were people out there who loved her magic so much, wouldn't that have helped her learn control?

Somehow, Elsa found herself sobering (Not literally. She'd wisely declined the Paganians' numerous offerings of wine). Elsa turned to the Archbishop. He was seated to her left, while the High Priest was seated to her right. "Excuse me?"

"Yes, Snow Goddess?" asked the Archbishop.

"Were my parents aware Pagania would worship me?"

"I'm afraid I don't know, my lady."

"Well, even if they were, they probably weren't comfortable with me traveling." Elsa said this more to herself than to him. After a moment, she forced her mind back to the present. "At any rate, being here has been a pleasure, but I need to return to Arendelle soon. Is now a good time to discuss some political matters?"

"Of course, my lady."

"Yeah, great idea, Your Excellency." The High Priest noisily swallowed his chicken leg, licked the juice off his fingers, then said, "First things first, when's your birthday?"

"The day of the winter solstice," said Elsa. "Why?"

"Great, great," nodded the High Priest. "That means we should get plenty of snow when we celebrate Elsamas."

"Elsamas?" Elsa laughed. "You're giving me my own holiday?"

"Exactly. And when was your sister born?"

"On the summer solstice."

The High Priest blinked in surprise. "Really? Huh, what are the odds? Guess that'll make our Elsamas and Annaster celebrations nice and symmetrical."

Elsa laughed again. "Oh, are you worshiping Anna, too? She'll be thrilled to hear it."

"Well, of course we worship her." The High Priest reached into his robes and retrieved a thick, leather-bound book. "Says it right here in the holy scripture." He flipped through the pages, then read aloud: "And let the highest praises fall upon the Snow Goddess and her sister-wife."

Elsa sprang to her feet. "My what?"

"Sister-wife," said the High Priest. "Why, is there a problem?"

"I'm not married to my sister!"

"Yes." The High Priest bowed his head solemnly. "Many of the events foretold by the prophecy have yet to come to pass."

"Who wrote this scripture?" demanded Elsa.

"Uh, the holy spirits guided my hand-"

"Give me that!"

The High Priest had no choice but to obey his goddess's command.

Elsa skimmed through the holy book. The more she read, the deeper her scowl grew. "At the eve of her coronation, the Snow Goddess was seduced by the wiles and charms of a dashing prince." She looked up from the page. "Anna was the one engaged to Hans! I barely even met him."

"M-My deepest apologies!" squeaked the High Priest. "Information travels slowly overseas, so we had to rely on word of mouth-"

"Go fetch a pen and paper." Elsa dropped the holy book onto the table with a dramatic thud. "Your goddess is adding a new testament to the canon."

"...don't know any 'Jack Frost,' and I sincerely doubt Anna's about to develop fire powers any time soon. Does that about cover everything?"

As Elsa finished speaking, the High Priest set down his pen and looked over his notes. "Err, yes, Snow Goddess. This should be more than enough to compose the new scripture."

"Good. Now let's put this nonsense behind us and focus on the important issues." Elsa turned back to the Archbishop. "Your message said you wished to become trade partners with Arendelle."

"Well, that was putting it mildly." The Archbishop chuckled to himself. "It would be more accurate to say Pagania is completely submitting itself to you. Consider all of our resources yours."

"What?" Elsa gave a start. "No, I can't accept that. I have enough responsibility running Arendelle at its current size. I'm not looking to expand it."

The Archbishop shook his head. "You misunderstand, my lady. Pagania wishes to remain independent of Arendelle. We don't worship your kingdom – We worship you. In fact, we've been a bit concerned that you'll be forced off the throne. Not every nation is as kind to magic as Pagania. Prince Hans already tried to frame you for treason, didn't he?"

Elsa reluctantly nodded. That wasn't a memory she was anxious to revisit.

"If something were ever to happen, you know we'd be happy to have you in Pagania."

"That's very kind of you, but Arendelle is my home," said Elsa, "and my citizens have been more accepting of me than I'd expected. As for 'submitting yourselves' to me, you have my word that I won't take advantage of your hospitality. If you're leaving the decision making up to me, I promise I'll work out some trade terms that benefit both Arendelle and Pagania equally. I hope this can be the start of a long partnership."

The Archbishop smiled and bowed respectfully. "All we ask for in return is the goodwill of our goddess."

Elsa smiled back. "You have it. Now if you'll excuse me, the feast seems to be winding down." She rose to her feet. "It's been a pleasure, but I need to gather my men together. We're sailing home soon."

"Snow Goddess, wait! You're leaving already?" It was at these words that a little girl ran up and threw her arms around Elsa's waist. She couldn't be older than six, yet she wore the same white robes as the other church members.

"Child!" snapped the Archbishop, rising out of his seat. "It's not your place to put your hands on the goddess without permission!"

"It's alright." Elsa knelt down to pat the girl's head. "What's your name?"

"Freja." The girl gave Elsa puppy dog eyes that could put Mary's to shame. "Do you have to leave, Snow Goddess?"

"I can't stay here forever," Elsa said softly. "I need to go home."

"But if you leave, who's going to protect us?"

Elsa looked blank. "Protect you? From what?"

"From the Clovisians."

Suddenly, every single partygoer went deathly quiet.

"Ah! Don't listen to her!" The High Priest sprang to his feet and ran towards them, waving his arms frantically. "She's just a dumb kid! She doesn't know what she's talking about!"

Elsa's brow creased. "No, I'd like to hear this." She turned back to Freja. "What were you saying, dear?"

"The Clovisians are our neighbors," said Freja. "They live south of us in Clovisia."

"Wow, you're good at geography." Elsa gave her a reassuring smile. "And why do I need to protect you from them?"

"Because the Clovisians want to kill us all for being disgusting Christless scum," said Freja, matter-of-fact. "But we'll be okay because you're supposed to freeze them for us."

"I see." Elsa looked over the banquet-table. Every single Paganian was avoiding her gaze and looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Well, Freja, I'm sorry to hear the Clovisians want to kill you, but I don't use my magic to hurt people. What made you think I would?"

"That guy said so." Freja pointed to the Archbishop, who didn't look quite as stoic as usual.

Elsa's eyes fell on the Archbishop. "All you ask for in return is the goodwill of your goddess, huh?"

The Archbishop had gone deathly pale. His mouth was running even faster than the sweat dripping down his forehead. "My lady, the child misunderstands! You have my word, I meant no offensive, and I would never be so presumptuous as to assume you'd set yourself upon our enemies! What I told the public was that once Pagania placed itself in your good graces, you'd likely want to protect us from our enemies. We had heard that you were a kind, caring goddess. That's all, I swear on my life!"

Elsa raised an eyebrow, then turned back to Freja.

"He said you would launch a preemptive strike," said Freja. "Do you know what 'preemptive' means? That's when you attack the enemy before they can fight back."

"You're a smart girl." Elsa gave Freja another pat on the head, then raised herself to her full stature and walked towards the bishop and priest. "I realize there's been a great deal of misinformation going around about my powers, so let me make something clear-"

"My lady, please, I can explain-"

Elsa stopped inches from the Archbishop's face. "I do not hurt people with my magic. Not unless I absolutely have to. Has Clovisia declared war on Pagania? Will they be at your doorstep with an army any day now?"

"Well..." The Archbishop stared at his sandals. "No, my lady. They haven't launched an outright attack on us yet. But the Clovisians are a constant potential threat to our people! If they ever did decide to march on our border, our military would be hilariously outmatched!"

"Well then, if that ever happens, send me a message and I'll see what I can do," said Elsa tightly. "I'm not attacking anyone 'preemptively.'"

"Now wait just a tick!" spoke up the High Priest. "Who says you have to attack anyone? Why can't you just swoop in there and take the King of Clovisia and all his generals prisoner? Or at least scare them so bad that they'll never lay a finger on us?"

Elsa turned to scowl at him. "You're asking me to march into Clovisia unprovoked and start shooting ice at people? Even if I didn't hurt anyone, it'd still be fearmongering."

It was at this point that the Archbishop threw himself at Elsa's feet, bowing low. "You're right, Snow Goddess. Your words are truth, and we flawed mortals have no place defying your wishes. Please forgive us!" Every other Paganian in the room quickly followed suit. Even Freja bowed respectfully, which Elsa couldn't help but find disturbing.

She forced herself to take some deep breaths. "The people of Pagania see me as their goddess. I respect that. But that does not make me your weapon." Elsa spun towards the end of table where her guards were seated. "Come on," she said curtly, "we're going to the ship now."

And with that, the Arendellians marched up the stairs and out the cathedral. For several long minutes, the entire banquet hall sat in terrified silence.

"Not to worry, everyone!" the High Priest said brightly. "I'm sure the Snow Goddess will visit us again soon. She's probably just anxious to get back to her sister-wife."

"Didn't you take in a word she said?" snapped the Archbishop. "The Snow Goddess has no interest in marrying her own sister!"

"Yes, that is true," nodded the High Priest, "in the scripture of orthodox Elsianity. In protestant Elsianity, on the other hand..."