A/N Okay, so just because I haven't out right said this before, I DO NOT condone using self-harm to escape problems. It doesn't really work in the long run. It's much better to talk to someone.

Now, on a lighter note, I'm sorry it's taken me this long and all I came up with is a filler chapter. The next one will be important, I promise.

This chapter is dedicated to ramen-luver101 for their continuing loyalty. Read and Enjoy, and, as always, review. ;)

Merlin's POV

The knife caught the last vestiges of sunlight trickling through his window, turning the blade a dull red. Or maybe it was irreparably stained with his blood. He wasn't sure if he really needed to cut tonight. Nothing terrible had happened, the knights and Arthur hadn't found out anything, despite how nosy they were being. If he wasn't careful, they very well could find out. And something in him said that was a bad thing.

He felt something prick his forearm, and looked down. He had let the blade get a little too close to his skin. He wanted it so badly. The relief and blankness brought on by, he knew, loss of blood. But it was a blessed relief . . . and Merlin's mind was working too fast. He stopped himself, staying his hand as the blade pressed against the slightly red, scarred skin. He bit his lip.

This had been what he was afraid of. The way he couldn't control himself. He wanted it so badly . . . but Merlin simply put the knife away. He didn't want it to get out of hand. A bead of blood squeezed out of the small cut on his arm, and he watched it trail slowly down his arm, hanging on his finger, trembling for a minute before falling to the floor.

His life was like that right now, hanging on a fingertip, gravity threatening to drag him down, down, down. Maybe it already had. He just hadn't hit the bottom yet.

Merlin sighed as he leaned back. He needed sleep. Maybe he could be on time with Arthur's breakfast tomorrow. If he was proficient at his job, he wouldn't need to be around Arthur too much, besides, maybe then he could also avoid any too-close scrutiny from the knights if we wasn't around them all the time. He closed his eyes, and fell instantly into a dream.

Again the flames licked at his bare feet. Merlin cringed, holding back the scream even as it built in the back of his throat. This is a dream, he told himself firmly. A nightmare. Nothing more. He didn't have foresight like Morgana did. Even so, he felt the pain. This time, in the dream, he couldn't see anyone, which could be seen as an improvement. No one was looking at him with malice, no one was breaking his already torn heart. He gave it too easily, he knew this. Gave his trust and his heart to people who didn't care, to whom he lied on a daily basis to keep himself alive. But he felt so alone. Even in death, he would have no comfort.

The fire licked at his legs, and Merlin finally screamed as he felt his flesh bubble and burn. It was a terrible feeling. His flesh simultaneously stretching and tightening. The smoke rolled into his lungs, and he was choking, gasping, trying desperately to find some clear air to enter his lungs. He coughed, and wretched, and breathed in fire. It was harder now to be so sure it was just a dream. In fact, that thought was barely there in Merlin's mind.

He woke in a sweat, sitting upright in bed and gulping in air. The sun just breaking through the window. There was no need to rub the sleep from his eyes, Merlin was wide awake from his nightmare. Head pounding, Merlin rose from his bed and got dressed, making sure the long sleeves obscured the scars from view. Then he went to get Arthur his breakfast.

Most of the rest of the day passed in a blur. He cleaned Arthur's chambers, feeling the man's gaze follow him around the room. He polished Arthur's armor after the knights' early morning practice, but Arthur didn't seem to have much for him to do. In fact, the young king seemed distracted by something. "Is . . . something wrong?" Merlin asked haltingly after he brought Arthur his mid-day meal.

"There are some strange reports coming from some patrols sent towards our border with Cenred's land," he said, brows drawn together. "But not actions from that country, it's within our borders. The men think a sorcerer is doing weird things with the animals. They've apparently been disappearing. All the game is gone. And that's not all. Farmers claim that their animals have been behaving oddly. The men report that the villagers have seen a figure all in black upon a black horse making off from where they house the young calves." Arthur rubbed his temples with his fingers. "I sent Elyan and Leon with a few men to find this sorcerer and bring him here for justice."

"Maybe it's just an animal thief," Merlin suggested quietly. "Why must he be a sorcerer at all?"

"The villagers claim to have seen him glow. And besides, how could any one man without the aid of such forbidden powers continue to come back and not get caught? The villagers also say they have not lost any livestock yet. We have no idea what this sorcerer could possibly want with the animals."

"Hmm," Merlin murmured as he poured water into the cup. It sounded odd, even to him. Unless the sorcerer (or sorceress) wanted to make the animals sick, or heal them, there was little reason not to take them. This alone made Merlin a little nervous. The animals were acting oddly. That would give some proof to his theory of making the animals sick, but for some reason, he didn't think so. Some gut feeling was telling him that that wasn't it. But what else could it be? Unless the animals were acting oddly because they were already sick, and were being healed. But that made no sense either. Merlin thought back to a few weeks ago, the first night he'd cut. He'd done it because a man had been burned at the pyre for using sorcery. For no other reason, for he'd done no real wrong.

Arthur excused him, and Merlin walked quietly through the halls, heading towards Gaius' rooms, hoping the man would have something for him to do. Unbidden, a song came to his mind, one his mother had sung to him when he'd asked her why no one spoke out against Uther and his anti-magic executions.

They believe that justice is the same thing as the law

So they conform their opinions to whatever they've been taught.

I'll admit that they just shrug, and they don't dwell on anyone

When they hear, of some unfortunate hound that got thrown in with the wolves

'cause deep down they know that the innocent always go free

That there's someone who's watching the watchers, it doesn't have to be them

It's easy to trust that things are going as they should

As long as it's no one they know, getting burned along with the wood

It's no surprise he was arrested

He should have held his peace

That's what you get from speaking out in troubled times like these

We said we've gone astray,

From where we were when this began

They're sure they'll all be fine

If they just go with the plan

'cause deep down they know that the innocent always go free

That there's someone who's watching the watchers, it doesn't have to be me

It's easy to trust that things are going as they should

As long as it's no one they know, getting burned along with the wood.

A/N: The song is 'Golgotha' by Heather Dale, I just changed the lyrics a bit to fit my needs. But yeah, the song is hers.