Chapter Four

I woke up to a bang, and it wasn't just my headache.

"Ugh" I moaned, lifting the blanket over my face to avoid the light.

"Lauren, up! It's midday!" Mum said, she wasn't shouting but I could sense her temper. Why was she always so angry with me.. What had I done?

"Mum, I've got headache" I moaned.

"Lauren the house needs tidying, I'm going to see your gran to take her Christmas shopping"

I rolled my eyes under the quilt, always me that had to do it wasn't it. "Okay mum"

"Thank you, darling, I appreciate it" she said kindly once she got what she wanted.

I don't know why but I thought back to when I first told my mum my secret, I was seventeen so it was only three years ago. We were visiting Simons family, Simon is my stepdad, since my dad left my mum for another a woman. Dad left when I was six after my baby sister Emily had died. I think it tore them apart and they couldn't bare to be around each other anymore, they argued all the time and it was a toxic relationship. Anyway we were visiting Simons niece, Emma. There was a party and I got really drunk, Emma was making me drinks all night and it was the first time I had gotten that drunk. I think what made it worse for me was that Simon hated me anyway, from being six years old we never got on, we more or less hated each other and whenever we argued my mum would just tell me to shut my mouth cause it caused the argument to last longer if I didn't. I never told dad anything because him and Simon didn't exactly see eye to eye either. I remember showing off in the garden with everyone and my mum came and got me to put me in bed stating I was embarrassing her and myself. I laughed it off which she didn't like and in front of everyone I asked my mum why she even cared if I was showing myself up anyway. She went on about how she gave me everything and I was probably being bratty but I told her what a rubbish life she'd given me. She marched me upstairs into the bedroom we were staying in and started shouting. She asked me why I thought my life was so rubbish so I just blurted out everything. Safe to say she was shocked. The next thing Simon came through the door to make sure mum was okay 'handling me' and she told him everything, I was gutted. They both sat down beside me and Simon had to run out and get me a sick bucket. One line stood out for me.

"Well I'm not gonna blame myself cause it's not my fault. I'm a good mum" she told me.

I couldn't believe her cheek, a bit of sympathy wouldn't go a miss. I spent the rest of the night throwing up and crying until I eventually cried myself to sleep. I know I was really drunk because I didn't cry in front of anyone.

I was brought from my thoughts, hearing mums heels come up the stairs, so I jumped out of bed just in time.

"You better get dressed Lauren, Joeys downstairs for you" she smiled.

"Wait, what? What's he doing here?" I asked her.

"I don't know Lauren, don't forget to sort the washing and your sisters out with her friends" she told me.

"Okay, wait what times Abi going to be home?" I asked.

"She's not, she's sleeping at her friends" mum said before pounding back out the door.

I frowned a little, if there was one good thing in my life, it was Abi. We got on so well, even though she was Simons daughter, she was my baby sister and we did everything together.

I kept my pyjamas on and walked downstairs, I wasn't getting changed for Joey. I walked through to the kitchen where he was sat drinking coffee. "Hey" he said, with a smile. It wasn't a warm smile anymore, it was more of a sympathetic one, he felt sorry for me now, just what I needed.

"Morning" I replied.

"It's afternoon Lauren" he chuckled.

I turned away from him and faced the kettle. "Well aren't you the smart one" I scoffed. I knew I was being a bitch but sometimes I just got like that and I hated myself for it.

I made myself a cup of tea and turned around to face him, I leant against the worktop, avoiding the chair next to him. "I need to talk to you about last night" I told him.

"Yeah that's why I'm here" he told me. I looked at him directly in the eye. "I've liked you more than a cousin for a long time Lauren and I'm not going to apologise for kissing you like I've always wanted to" he admitted.

I swallowed a lump in my throat, did he really just say that?

"Joey were cousins..."

"That doesn't matter Lauren, not to me and I don't think it does to you either" he told me in a kind of begging tone whilst he got up from his chair. He took my tea out of my hand and placed it on the worktop before resting his hands flat on my shoulders. I felt that feeling again, the feeling I loved so much knowing how wrong it was for many reasons. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, my eyes just locked onto his. He leant forward and I couldn't stop him, I didn't want to but I know I had to. His lips gently brushed mine before he pulled away.

"Tell me you don't feel the same, and I'll walk away" he said.

I glanced to his lips and then to his eyes. Tears already surfacing, I felt so stupid. My bottom lip started to tremble as I tried to get out the words. "I feel the same" I almost cried it out.

"Lauren... Then why can't we be together?" He asked me, I'm glad he didn't seem frustrated with me.

"I'm beyond messed up Joey, trust me I'm not worth it"

"Don't talk about yourself like that, you are worth it and more" he said.

"I can't be in a relationship, I've never been in one before and I could never be in the future"

"Why?" Joey asked me taking both my hands. "Is this because of the people that hurt you? You can tell me you know, I can help you" he said.

"You can't help me, nobody has succeeded yet"

"Okay, who else knows about this secret you've been hiding?" He asked me, stroking my jaw line with his finger.

"My mum, Simon, Emma my cousin and Lucy" I told him.

"Tell me"

I breathed in deeply. "Well the one thing that's happened to me which is the worst when I was younger we lived in a rough place and well.." I stopped as tears ran down my face. " I don't want you to think differently of me after I tell you" I sobbed now.

Joey hugged me and kept my body engulfed in his. "That's never going to happen"

I buried my head into his chest. "I was sexually abused as a child, for years" I told him.

He didn't say anything but held me tighter. "I'm sorry Lauren"

"It's okay"

Joey let go of me and wiped the tears of my face. He took my hand and led us into the living room, he sat down first and pulled on my hand to sit next to him, he pulled me into his side, his arm over my shoulders, I felt really content, I just hoped he realised why we couldn't be together now.

Did anyone guess the secret? Leave me a review please:) X