Chapter Five
"Dearest Meng..my love..my darling son..it's been so long since I've seen you. So I hope you don't mind if I come visit you! But let's keep it a secret from the Emperor, I know how Sun Quan likes little surprises."
Lü Meng stared at the letter for ten minutes, slackjawed.
"And one more last thing, Mengie-poo. I'm very much looking forward to meeting your wife! And I hope you finally gave me grandchildren!"
He stared at the words "wife" and "grandchildren" over and over again. Fear struck into his heart, panic in his veins.
This was worse than any attack on Wu.
Worse than any battle against Lu Bu.
This was... Mama Lü!
"The fates are surely punishing me for this. There is no greater punishment."
"Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, Master Lü Meng." Lianshi said, looking at the letter,"by the way, why is she asking for a wife? Did you tell her you were married?"
"No. I guess she's just assuming at my age, that I'd be married with kids by now." he replied. "But you aren't." she said, at which Lü Meng growled at her. "So..what's your plan, then?" she asked with curiosity.
He sighed, looking at the letter again. "Going to have to make one up." She gasped when he looked at her with questioning eyes. "Don't you dare. I will not participate in this farce!"
"But..Lianshi! I need your help! Please, please be my wife! I promise, it'll only be for a few days!" he cried. "And what am I supposed to tell Ding Feng? Or my husband for that matter?" she snapped, crossing her arms. Lü Meng cringed again at the thought of Ding Feng rolling around in Lianshi's red silk sheets.
And why was he thinking of Ding Feng naked when Lianshi was right before him, in a tight fitting red and white dress with thigh slits no less.
"Does Lord Sun Quan even know about you and Ding Feng?" he asked. Lianshi nodded. "He's got Zhou Tai, so I'm not even worried. Besides. Ding Feng is so good. Especially when he just curves his tongue..oh my god!" she squealed.
"I really didn't have to know that.." he groaned.
"Anyway, Quan is probably counting Zhou Tai's scars, so he's distracted." Lü Meng's eyes bulged. He really didn't want to know where all of Zhou Tai's scars were.
The two were interrupted by Gan Ning walking in the door. They watched as he took a seat beside Lü Meng, cracking a laugh and asking,"Did I seriously hear you propose to Lady Lianshi?" "Sort of..?" Lü Meng replied, cringing. "Lü Meng's mother is coming here and she expects him to show him a wife and kids." Lianshi said, gesturing towards Lü Meng. Gan Ning cracked up laughing, as Lü Meng slapped him upside his head. "You're screwed, old man! And then you tried to use Lady Lianshi, too? Oh man..that would have been great!"
"Don't encourage him, Gan Ning!" she yelled, arms crossed. That shut him up immediately. "Ok, so I can't use Sun Shangxiang, and I sure as hell can't-" He was interrupted by a slap across the face by Lianshi, his fallen body at her feet, her fist in the air. "You will never use my princess!" "Wasn't planning on it." he replied,"AS I WAS SAYING! I cannot use Sun Shangxiang, and the Qiaos aren't going to help..and-"
"How about Lu Xun? He looks feminine enough." Gan Ning said. Lianshi and Lü Meng looked at him like he was nuts. "You can't be serious!" he yelled. "It's perfect, come on, just put him in a dress, add a little makeup, fix his hair, and you're golden! Besides, he wants to sleep with you, so it practically writes itself!"
"He's got a point, you know." Lianshi said. "Don't encourage him!" Lü Meng said. "Don't tell me what to do." Lianshi countered, crossing her arms, pushing her breasts at them. "How you manage those things, I'll never know, lady." Gan Ning said, earning a glare from Lianshi. A knock came to the door, and a smiling and all too perky Sun Shangxiang walked in. "Lianshi, let's go!" "Hold on one second, love, I need to speak with Lü Meng for a second, and I'll be right there." Lianshi said, getting out of Shangxiang's hold
"Alright, so this plan is a go?" she asked, looking at the somber man. "What plan?" Shangxiang asked. "Nothing." Lü Meng growled. "I'll have to tell you later, it's-" "You are not telling anyone!" Lü Meng interrupted Lianshi. As they argued, Gan Ning pulled Shangxiang aside and said,"Ossan received a message from his mother asking for a visit, and she's expecting a wife and kids. He's not married, so we came up with the idea of having Lu Xun pretend to be his wife."
Sun Shangxiang wore a surprised expression, then she laughed and clapped her hands happily. She grabbed Lianshi's arms(before Lü Meng could attack again), pulling her from the bed she sat on. "Let's go, Lianshi! Let's go making Lu Xun pretty!", and together, they left the room.
"I'm doomed." Lü Meng said. "I'll be right here beside you, Old Man." Gan Ning said with a smile. Lü Meng would be so reassured if he didn't know Gan Ning was hiding an ulterior motive.
"Right beside you to watch you fail!" he added, running away. "You..brazen pirate! Wait till I get my hands on you!" Lü Meng yelled, ready to chase after the pirate, when the letter fell back onto his lap.
He groaned, looking at the letter sadly. "I deserve this..." he muttered.
To say Lu Xun went out kicking and screaming was an understatement. With Da Qiao locking and barricading the door, Lianshi and Sun Shangxiang grabbed Lu Xun by one arm and threw him to the bed. "Naturally, I wouldn't help Lü Meng in the slightest, but I'm amused by the idea of turning you into a woman. So just bare with us, alright?" Lianshi said, tying Lu Xun to the bedpost. "This is to help Master Lü?" Lu Xun asked. Sun Shangxiang nodded as she polished his nails red. "How so?" he asked.
"His mother is coming and she's looking forward to meeting a wife who doesn't exist. So in order to save his hide, we're dressing you as a woman to play as his wife." Lianshi replied, at which Lu Xun's cheeks had turned as red as the nail polish Sun Shangxiang was now applying to his newly pedicured toenails.
"This is insane." he muttered.
Da Qiao was outside playing look-out by Lu Xun's room when Ding Feng passed by. "Hello little miss. Have you seen Lady Lianshi anywhere?" he asked. Not that he was hiding it, everyone in Wu knew that they were sleeping together, but it was still funny to Da Qiao. She smiled and replied sweetly,"No Master Ding Feng, I have not seen her. Have you checked the gardens? Perhaps she's out training with the princess." "Of course. Well, I will leave them to their work then. I'll see her later on. Thank you, Lady Da Qiao." he said with a smile, walking away.
Da Qiao breathed a sigh of relief, and inwardly muttered a complaint, wishing the two ladies inside would hurry up. She didn't want to be seen as suspicious outside Lu Xun's bedroom. Though she was learning how to be more devious by Lianshi, she still wanted to maintain her innocent status.
The same couldn't be said about Xiaoqiao. Once again, she was ignored by Zhou Yu, and sent outside to play. On her way to the outside gazebo, she spotted her older sister and ran up to her.
"Not now, Xiao...not now.." she muttered, watching that cute orange ponytail swish back and forth. "Hi sis! What are you doing?" she asked, tilting her head in curiously. Da Qiao had always found it cute when she did that, and was barely able to resist her charm. "I'm a little busy, can you come back later?" she asked. "Busy doing what?" Xiaoqiao asked. She was bouncy and bubbly, and cute, and Da Qiao could barely pay attention to anything else.
"...Lady Lianshi asked me for a favor, and.." Da Qiao began, until Xiaoqiao squealed and jumped in the air for joy. "Oh she's so pretty, I barely see her around though! What kind of favor? Can I play too?"
"I...don't think that's.." Her voice was shy and lowering each time Xiaoqiao shouted another question, and her eyes lowered to Xiao's feet.
Inside the room, Lianshi gasped and looked to the door as she applied rose colored blush to Lu Xun's cheeks. The paleness of his skin made the tint stand out, and she was proud of her work. She had taken Lu Xun out of his bindings, and sat him up against the bedpost. He had stopped kicking and screaming, resigned to his fate.
"You're doing so well, Lu Xun." she said sweetly, leaning into him each time she applied more makeup, and he held his breath each time her breasts pushed against him.
"Princess, do me a favor? Get rid of that little girl out there, please?" she asked, looking at the door, sighing "Xiaoqiao" under her breath.
Sun Shangxiang nodded and walked to the door, watching as Da Qiao stared at the floor, and Xiaoqiao danced before her.
"Lady Xiaoqiao, Da Qiao is very busy. Can you go somewhere else until she's finished?" she asked, closing the door behind her.
Xiaoqiao looked at her in confusion. "Isn't that Master Lu Xun's room? What's going on? Why can't I join?" she asked. Sun Shangxiang had to come up with a plan quickly before the girl would start to cry. "...because Master Lu Xun is not feeling well and Lianshi is taking care of him." she replied. She then looked at Da Qiao, Da's eyes looking disappointed, and suggested,"Why don't you go play with your sister? I'm sure she'd enjoy your company." Da Qiao looked up at her and mouthed,"Don't you need me?" "Go ahead, go play outside, we'll join you two shortly." Sun Shangxiang said, nodding as the two ran away.
As the two sisters disappeared down the hall, Sun Shangxiang sighed and went back into the room, locking the door behind her.
"There's one thing left to do now.." Lianshi said, circling around Lu Xun, dolled up in makeup, hair brushed and curled, and looking ever the woman. "And what's that?" Sun Shangxiang asked. Lianshi looked down at her ample breasts. Lu Xun's eyes grew wide. Pale makeup, dramatic black eyeshadow and eyelashes, rosy red cheeks, wanton red lipstick, Lu Xun looked the part of a beautiful woman, all except for his chest. "We could just say that she's flat chested." Shangxiang said, shrugging.
"I suppose we could." Lianshi said,"makes for less effort. My dresses would never fit though." "That's true." Shangxiang said, looking at her friend's chest. "Alright...well, what about your dresses?" Lianshi asked, eyes roaming down her figure. She wasn't as busty as Lianshi, but she was still womanly. At least she was a B, nice wide hips and a perky bottom. "And the Qiaos?" Lianshi asked. "Maybe we can get lucky with Xiao, but not Da Qiao. She hides in that potato sack she wears.." Shangxiang replied. "Alright, so let's go get one of Xiao's dresses." Lianshi said. She then turned to Lu Xun with a smile and said,"It'll all be over soon, dear. Just sit still."
"I just want to go home..." Lu Xun groaned. "Stay with him, I'll be right back." Lianshi said, turning to her friend. "Ok." Shangxiang said, watching as Lianshi left the room.
She began the trek to Xiaoqiao's room when she ran into Gan Ning, who was currently being thrown against the wall by Lü Meng. "I don't even want to know." she sighed, separating the two. "My mother is on her way here and I need all the support I can get. I don't need this brazen pirate berating me."
Gan Ning chuckled, looking over at Lü Meng. "Relax, Old Man. It's going to be fine. How bad is your mother, anyway?"
"I'd rather fight Lü Bu at his worst after killing that daughter and other girl of his." Lü Meng replied, causing Gan Ning's eyes to grow wide.
"Nooooo. Nooo thank you. You're on your own. I have my wife to tend to, and he's a handful."
"So you've declared Ling Tong as the wife?" Lü Meng asked. "Of course! Besides, do I look like a wife? We've already established that I'm the top." Gan Ning said, causing Lü Meng to roll his eyes.
"I can't imagine that Ling Tong went willingly." Lü Meng said. "Kicking and screaming like a little bitch!" Gan Ning said, howling in laughter.
"That being said, I'll go see him. Maybe he's in a better mood. By the way, let's see Lu Xun once he's all made up. I want to see Lianshi's work."
"Maybe they're finished now." Lü Meng said, before Sun Shangxiang approached them.
"Not yet. We need to get him an outfit." she said,"I was thinking of going with one of Xiaoqiao's dresses."
"Why don't you give him one of your old outfits? The one with the red long sleeves, red pants and purple stash?" Gan Ning said,"I've always told myself that you looked smoking hot in that thing!"
"Gan Ning!" both Lü Meng and Sun Shangxiang yelled.
"Pants won't work anyway. Your mother would throw a fit." she added, crossing her arms. "Well, what about one of Lianshi's old dresses? The red and black one with the one sleeve? That one was really pretty." Lü Meng said.
"He won't fit into any of her dresses..like they had to custom design her's because her breasts are so huge. There's no way we can make fake breasts that big either." she sighed.
"So why not alter and close up the cleavage window? Are you two planning on keeping Lu Xun flat chested?" Gan Ning asked.
Both of them looked at him, bewildered.
"Back when I was a pirate, I had to fix my own clothing while I was at sea. It's nothing, let me do the rest." he added.
"I..didn't take you for someone who does fashion, Gan Ning." she said with a smile.
"It wasn't fashion, it was survival. The rough seas were even worse if you didn't have the right clothes to keep warm." he replied.
The two watched as Gan Ning walked down the hall and into Lu Xun's room, as Lianshi was sweet talking him.
"Gan Ning! What are you doing?" she asked, jumping with a gasp.
"Heard you were having some problems finding a Lady Lu an outfit." he said with a wink.
Lu Xun, in his make up and with his hair done, wearing nothing but his under garments, couldn't be any mortified, looking at Gan Ning.
"Don't you worry, kid, I'm almost sure you're getting laid for this." he said with a laugh, before he was slapped by Lianshi.
"Don't use that filth in this room!" she yelled, arms crossed.
"So when exactly is Lü Meng's mother coming?" Lu Xun asked.
"Not sure. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe-"
"MOTHER!"
Lü Meng's eyes grew wide in fright when Mama Lü walked into the hallway, with Sun Ce, Zhou Yu, and Taishi Ci in tow.
She was small and petite, wearing a simple red and violet dress with green slippers. Her outer coat was a silky red, a gift from Sun Quan for Christmas. Her grey hair was tied in an upward braided bun, tied fiercely to keep it from falling down.
Despite this small stature, she was intimidating and scary, with snowy white pale skin, and barely any makeup save for black mascara.
"Hey, Master Lü Meng, look who I found!" Taishi Ci yelled, waving at the man who was now frozen in his tracks.
He didn't think she would come so soon. Maybe in three days! Not now!
"Mother! I...I'm happy to see you!" Lü Meng yelled, eyes wide in shock. "Hello, my son.." she said sweetly, running her hands through his messy brown hair. "Meng, you really should brush your hair more often.." she added with a sigh, pulling out a few knots with her red gloved hands.
Inside the room, Lianshi gasped, watching as Gan Ning finished the adjustments on Lu Xun's new dress. "Alright, and all we need is to fix your voice, and you're good." he then looked into Lu Xun's light brown eyes and added,"You better get rewarded handsomely for this. I'll keep badgering Old Man if he doesn't. Money, sex, food, booze, a promotion, you name it!"
Lu Xun's eyes grew wide at the mention of sex, blushing when he imagined a smiling Lü Meng repaying him and-
"Hey! Stop spreading that filth around here, Gan Ning!" Lianshi yelled. "You're the one having an extramarital affair! You're one to talk about filth!" Gan Ning argued. "Sun Quan is perfectly fine with it! He's got Zhou Tai and I have Ding Feng..." Lianshi replied.
"And here I thought marriage was supposed to be sacred...I mean I'm still learning how to be a good husband to Ling Tong, and you're married to Sun Quan and you two are sleeping with other people. Zhou Yu can't stand Xiaoqiao, and whatever's going on with Sun Ce, Da Qiao and Taishi Ci, who also seems kind of into Lü Meng..I'm terribly confused." Gan Ning said.
"I thought by now everyone knew I married Sun Quan because he didn't trust anyone else to be his Empress. That was the plan from the beginning, Gan Ning. We were never in love, it was just a mutual agreement. He knew I was into Ding Feng, and I knew he had a crush on Zhou Tai...I mean it's..it's complicated, yes, and that's not how all marriages work, but it's how ours works." Lianshi said.
There was silence in the room, until Gan Ning sighed and walked out.
"Maybe that's not how yours works, but I'd be loyal as hell to Ling Tong..." he said, not realizing that just around the corner, Ling Tong was standing there, chaperoning the Qiaos.
And he had heard everything Gan Ning had said.