I Have to Go
Tali had received her first envirosuit ten years ago, when she was just twelve years old. Though the material of the suit was pliant and flexible, it was still too large for her. It sagged slightly, and she had a few years worth of growing before it could be a comfortable and snug fit. She had received it at a slightly younger age than most; a reward for her good behavior and maturity.
Receiving an envirosuit was a major part of any quarian's life. It was the first step to becoming an adult. Despite the loss of all tactile response, and the feeling of being completely enclosed, ironically, the suit symbolized freedom. Wearing a suit meant that she was no longer restricted to sterile environments, and that she'd be free to travel anywhere she wished. Receiving the suit at adolescence was more about being mature enough to handle the responsibility of the freedom it entailed, than it was about being physically capable of wearing it.
Although the suit wasn't quite the right size for Tali yet, she had proven herself intelligent and mature enough to receive one before she was completely physically ready. That same age of twelve was also the last time anyone had ever seen her face.
Much like her father Rael'Zorah, Tali preferred to keep the suit on at all times. The added privacy was comforting, as was the peace of mind brought from its constant protection. It seemed both logical and practical to keep it on. Tali's mother, however—unlike her husband and daughter—avoided wearing her suit; she hated it. The feel of simple pleasures such as air pushing against her face as she walked, or unfiltered smells stimulating the olfactory sensors of her nose were emotionally important to her. Life shouldn't always be about what's logical; that is what separates the organic from the synthetic, was her belief until an unfortunate outbreak aboard the Rayya claimed her life, as well as the lives of all other quarians who had been exposed to its air.
Tali lost her mother at the age of seventeen, and after the grief had settled, she began to feel conflicted over the fact that she always kept her suit on. On the one hand, the outbreak was a dramatic example of why suits should be kept on as much as possible; Tali's mother's decision to avoid wearing it cost her life. But on the other hand, Tali felt extreme remorse and regret that her mother had never seen her face since she was twelve. Tali's adult face had never been revealed to her mother, despite her occasional request to see the face of the woman her daughter was becoming. Tali following her logic, and keeping her suit on at all times, caused her mother to die without ever seeing her daughter's face as she grew through her teens.
In the years that followed her mother's passing, Tali came to understand her mother's belief that the logical should not completely replace the emotional, as her father believed and had imprinted in Tali's mind; there should be a balance. Tali found herself desiring to interact and converse with her father without their masks in the way, as her mother would have enjoyed; as their people had done for their entire existence before the Geth War. But Rael wouldn't have it. He refused to remove his mask. The death of his spouse only reaffirmed his belief that emotions should never triumph over logic. The suit should stay on as much as possible; it was pure logic.
For years, the only person Tali felt close enough to reveal her face to was a man who would scold her for doing so. Someone who couldn't just look at her face and admire the beautiful woman she had become, but harangue her about the foolishness of needlessly removing her mask and exposing herself to potential death. But now, ten years after donning her suit and sealing away her face, she had found someone who she not only loved enough to reveal her face to, but would appreciate the significance of the act. Tonight, after their duties were done and they were alone in their quarters, Tali would take her antibiotics and herbal supplements, and finally reveal her face—reveal all of herself—to Shepard.
Tali stood in the cargo area of the Normandy, in front of her opened locker. At the bottom of the locker lay the light body armor she wore over her suit on missions. There was also a small toolbox that contained materials and tools for suit repair. In the middle of the locker was a rack that held her weapons vertically. Her state-of-the-art Spectre shotgun, as well as her assault rifle, sniper rifle, and pistol all hung there. Tali wasn't fond of using assault rifles or sniper rifles, but Shepard insisted all squad members bring every type of weapon on missions—he wanted all of them to be able to adapt to whatever happened.
On the top shelf of her locker were a few personal possessions. A small holo emitter was on one side, which displayed an old holo of her father, mother, and herself; it had been taken a year before her mother's death, and the enjoyable day they had spent together as a family on one of the flotilla's few recreational ships was one of her fondest memories. On the other side were three small bottles; her antibiotics and two types of herbal supplements.
A few days had passed since she purchased them on the human colony of Elysium, but she had been too nervous to use them; too nervous to reveal herself to Shepard, and share herself with him. However, since then her excitement had been gaining ground, and today had finally triumphed over her nervousness. This was the third time this day she had come to her locker to look at the small bottles of her medication, and think about how their contents would allow her to experience one of the most significant events of her life. The thoughts of what it would be like were almost overwhelming. The intense fluttery sensation in her stomach as she thought about it almost made her feel weak.
"Just a few more hours," Tali whispered to herself in nervous excitement as she closed the door to her locker, and proceeded to walk back to Engineering.
Half way to the door, she was suddenly knocked off her feet as the Normandy violently shook. She fell forward, and instinctively curled her arms over her face as she oriented herself to land on her side; a technique taught to all quarians to protect their visor from cracking against a hard floor surface after a fall. It was better to have bruised ribs than to suffer open-air exposure from a damaged mask.
After a short while of being on the floor, recovering from the pain the fall had caused, she began to stand up, only to be knocked back down by another violent quaking of the ship. Her mind quickly ran over a hundred possible reasons for the Normandy to tremble so intensely, but the flashing red lights of the cargo bay—as well as her own common sense—told her what was happening: the Normandy was under attack.
Stealth systems were engaged. I saw it. How could we be under attack? She wondered to herself as she got up and hobbled toward the engineering area, still recovering from the pain of her falls. As soon as the door opened, she stopped in her tracks; the typical blue ambience that radiated from the drive core was nowhere to be seen. The drive core was offline, either seriously damaged or completely without power—either one meant no quick repair was possible. She contemplated if she should attempt to repair it, though it seemed implausible; it was far too big of a job to do during an attack. Still, she felt she had to do something.
The alarm to abandon the ship suddenly started to wail, which made her mind up for her. She turned around and limped over to her locker, swung the door open, and grabbed her shotgun. She didn't have time to put on her body armor, and she had a copy of the holo of her parents on her omni-tool. Even the medication she purchased was replaceable. But she needed a weapon; they could get boarded by the enemy, or maybe even face danger on a planet after evacuating. Having a weapon on her also gave her a feeling of confidence and security.
Tali reached the elevator along with a group of servicemen. The elevator struggled slightly as it ascended, briefly giving them all the fear that it might not reach the upper deck. Fortunately, it made it all the way up. As the door opened, Tali saw Ashley Williams, clad in her combat armor, escorting people to the escape pods. The entire crew deck was glowing red and orange as the light cast by the numerous fires illuminated the smoke in the area.
"Ashley, what's going on?" Tali asked, loud enough to be heard over the chaos of explosions and mechanical failures in the background.
"We're under attack! The Commander gave the order to abandon ship, get to an escape pod, quickly!"
"Where's Shepard? I'm not leaving without him!"
"I'm right here," was heard from Tali's left side, catching her by surprise. She quickly turned around and saw Shepard, also wearing his combat suit. "I need to get Joker, get in the escape pod with Ashley."
"No, I'm going to go with you. You might need help," Tali stated.
"Damn it Tali, I gave you an order! Get in the escape pod, now!" Shepard yelled in frustration. Immediately, he felt remorse over yelling at her like that. "Please…" he said in a gentler tone, yet still with a sense of urgency.
Tali stared at him for a second, before finally throwing her arms around him and giving him a quick, tight hug. She let go, and ran to the nearby escape pod. She looked over her shoulder, and saw Shepard run around the corner toward the stairs that lead to the Normandy's Command Information Center.
As Tali sat down in the escape pod, she pulled down a mechanical safety harness over her shoulders, securely locking her in place. A few more people entered the escape pod, and finally Ashley came in, closing the door behind her. She took her seat, and seconds later there was a suddenly jolt from the escape pod's thrusters initiating and launching the escape pod away from the dying Alliance frigate.
It wasn't long after the escape pod had taken off when Tali lifted her security harness and ran to the console at the front end of the escape pod. She activated a holographic projection that served as a window, allowing them to see outside the escape pod. She then adjusted the camera, so that it would look back at the Normandy, and zoomed in as much as possible.
Gasps and moans of shock filled the small escape pod as everyone saw the horrific image of the nearly destroyed Normandy. The entire hull over the CIC was gone, leaving only splintered metal beams sticking out. Pieces of debris were floating all around it, and small explosions could be seen erupting all over it. It was also stationary—its thrusters now completely out of power. The ship was on the brink of death.
Despite the tragedy and terror of the wreckage that was once her home, Tali ignored the sight. She had turned the holo viewer on for only one purpose: to see if an escape pod from the ship's bridge would fly away. Tali knew the layout of the ship, and since Shepard had gone to get Joker, it was obvious that they'd use that the escape pod just behind the ship's bridge to get away. Tali's eyes were fixed on the limited holographic detail that created the image of the Normandy's front most side, desperate to see a small dot flying away.
"Please, Shepard…" she mumbled softly and fearfully. No one else could hear her. "Get out… you need to make it. Please… get out of there…"
With each passing second, fear and desperation began to set in. For an infinitesimally small amount of time, she realized that this was just like how she felt after the Battle of the Citadel, the first time the possibility of Shepard being dead really struck her. Her body was tense, and her limbs trembled with anxiety.
She clenched her teeth and cringed in terror as another beam from the mysterious attacker struck the Normandy, splitting it in two. Almost on the brink of sobbing, sudden relief swept over her in an instant. There it was: a small metallic dot rapidly flying away from the Normandy's nose, leaving a faint blue tail behind it. The escape pod of the Normandy's bridge; Shepard and Joker had made it.
"Oh Keelah… Keelah se'lai. Keelah se'lai…" she whispered, panting for air. Grateful beyond words that her love had escaped. "I saw the CIC escape pod fly away!" she said out loud so everyone could hear, "Shepard and Joker got away."
There were sighs of relief from the others, but moments later another beam struck the Normandy. This one ended the ship's death throws, and finally put it out of its misery. The Normandy exploded in a brilliant flash, creating a fireball which quickly dissipated as the oxygen reserves from the ship were rapidly consumed. The Normandy was now gone, reduced to mere wreckage and debris.
Despite Tali's love of the Normandy, she didn't care. She was just glad Shepard made it out. Content he was alright, she walked over to her seat, still trembling, and only now realizing how hard her heart was pounding. After plopping down on her seat, she just breathed heavily so as to catch her breath and calm herself down.
A full minute passed. The escape pod was completely silent, no one sure of what to say. What could be said? In a moment their ship had been destroyed, friends and crewmembers had been killed. They were all still in shock, their minds trying to make sense of all that had just occurred. How the ship that survived facing the near invincible Sovereign could have been destroyed so easily was beyond any of them.
The quiet was interrupted by Ashley. "Looks like whoever attacked us is gone," she said as she raised her security harness and stood up, "I'm going to open communications with the other pods and create a list of survivors."
Tali was still recuperating from the suspense of the moment that had just ended, as Ashley began to type into the console at the front of the escape pod.
The escape pods of the Normandy were numbered numerically from the front of the ship to its rear. Ashley started her list with Escape Pod One; it was both first in the numerical order, and the escape pod Shepard and Joker had used.
"Escape Pod One, this is Chief Williams. I'm making a list of survivors. Who's in there with you guys?" Ashley asked into the communicator, in her mind speaking to both Shepard and Joker.
An unusually long period of time went by without a response. Just as Ashley was about ask again, Joker's voice was heard, eerily distant and somber. "Jeff Moreau," he said, ignoring the formality of including his Flight Lieutenant title, "I'm the only one here. Shepard's gone. He got… spaced. He's gone…"
With that one sentence it felt as if Tali's entire body paused. As if her heart stopped beating and her mind stopped processing thoughts. Her life came to a pause. All the relief she had experienced a moment ago, came back like a colossal wave of water, smashing into her being with a thousand times more power than it had seemingly left with.
"No… no, no!" she yelled out, "No! He's not gone! H-he was wearing his combat suit! He can still be alive! We have to find him!" she screamed in denial.
Nobody in the escape pod knew what to say to her. They were all upset themselves to hear that their commander—and in many cases, friend—was gone. But none of them could experience the pain that Tali, the woman Shepard both loved and was loved by, felt at that moment.
The denial that fueled her first reaction to the news near instantly disappeared; replaced by realization. She realized that even with his combat suit, he couldn't have survived the explosion of the Normandy. Shepard was too small a being to survive the blast caused by an exploding frigate so close to him.
Tali began to sob bitterly. She had never cried harder in her life. For a moment she wanted to rip her mask off, and hold her face with her hands as the intensity of her weeping demanded. And part of her didn't her didn't care about the consequences of doing so. But a faint amount of logic held out against her emotional state, and she kept the mask on as she cried with her head tilted down. Her tears fell unto the glass visor, creating a small pool at the deepest part of her mask's curvature.
For the last several weeks leading up to this moment, she had experienced a joy unlike any other of her life. It was a joy she never imagined possible as she grew up on the flotilla, devoid of so many of life's simple pleasures. She considered herself the luckiest woman in the galaxy; she was the one that Shepard, the champion and savior of the entire galaxy, had chosen to be with. She would be the envy of trillions of women.
But now, as her mind and heart processed the fact that he was gone forever, a small yet bitter part deep in her mind wished she had never even met him, just so she could be spared the grief she now felt.