Glorfindel, on his way out of Mirkwood, saw a bunch of fat ugly spiders weaving spider-webs all in the trees. His jaw dropped open in shock, then he jumped up into the trees and ran toward them, holding his arms out.

"I UNDERSTAND!" he screamed. "YOU ALL FEEL SO LONELY AND JUST WANT SOME PLACE TO CALL HOME! IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR 'MOTHER' HELPED DESTROY THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD!"

The spiders looked at each other, looked at Glorfindel, then screamed in terror and ran away. Glorfindel chased them all the way to the edge of the forest, then watched in disappointment as the spiders screamed in terror all the way to some river nearby, then jumped in and drowned themselves. He then remembered what Thranduil had fabulously said and he looked at the sky. Above him he could see light fluffy clouds, which obviously couldn't be what Thranduil had been fabulously talking about, so he looked around even more.

Glorfindel saw a second later that there deep, black, ugly, thick, filthy clouds on the horizon, with mountains beneath them. He didn't recall Lothlórien being that disgusting, but it must just be what pollution is today! With a happy sigh, he started running toward it. A few hours later, he was stopping in front of this huge, massive, black, disgusting – and did I mention massive? – set of double doors. They reminded him of Elladan and Elrohir.

Glorfindel walked up the doors and knocked once, then waited until they opened. He scratched his head when no one came out, then remembered something and said in a high-pitched whiny voice which he copied from Estel – "Let the lord of the Black Lands come forth!"

A moment later, a black horse emerged from the mist and stopped next to him, amid much creepy clanking of black metal armor. An ugly thing dressed in black sat on top of it, with some type of helmet that was also black.

Glorfindel wondered if black was the theme of this place or something.

Black robes swished dramatically and gloomily around the human-ish thing as it looked at Glorfindel. Or maybe it didn't look. Glorfindel couldn't tell, since it didn't seem to have eyes. Some strange music played dramatically in the background, but the human-ish thing turned its head and glared for a second at something, then the music stopped and two Orcs came out from hiding. "Sorry," they said, looking at the ground.

Glorfindel saw their sad faces and knew he had to act immediately, even if he was lost again. He jumped at the two and gave them big hugs, which made them scream happily and suddenly turn into elves, who screamed in terror at the human-ish thing and then the new elves ran away, leaving their Orc instruments behind.

The human-ish thing rolled its nonexistent eyes and looked back at Glorfindel. "My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome," he said in a creepy grumbly type of voice. He glanced around, then glared at Glorfindel. "Is there any of this rout with the authority to treat with me?"

"Oh, you need a treatment!" Glorfindel ran over and hugged the horse, which suddenly lost its grumpy stompy walk and stood straight up, happy. Then he pulled down the human-ish thing and gave it a very big hug. "I bid thee welcome as well!" Glorfindel said, and the human-ish thing screamed in terror suddenly, then turned and ran away. The horse whinnied in confusion, then screamed in terror also and ran away.

Glorfindel turned slowly around…then came face to face with a terrible black hooded form, formless eyes glaring out at him. His jaw dropped in shock. "Fred?"

"That's not my name anymore," grumbled the Witch-King of Angmar. His eight minions, also dressed in black and looking creepy, stood behind him and exchanged confused looks.

"Eh, do you know this guy, boss?" asked one.

"What?" Glorfindel screamed. "You mean you didn't tell them about me? Fred, I'm shocked!"

"You tried to kill me!" screamed the Nazgul in a much more terrifying voice. "Remember? The 'no man shall kill him' thing? Why would you even do that?! I thought we were buddies!"

"Oh come on, that was centuries ago," Glorfindel said. "But really, you didn't tell your friends about me? I'm shocked, ol' buddy, ol' pal!" He sniffled and looked genuinely upset for a minute, but then smiled happily and jumped forward to hug Fred. His arms went right through him, but then he figured out how to solve that problem – he held his arms in a circle and made patting motions.

Fred burst into invisible tears.

"There, there," crooned Glorfindel, patting the thin air that doubled as the Nazgul's back. A few moments later Fred dried his invisible tears.

"I'm fine now," he said. He pointed at the Nazgul behind him. "Okay, this is Khamûl, but we all call him Moo."

"Delighted to meet you, Moo!" Glorfindel hugged that Nazgul.

"Uh, and this is Bob."

"Lovely!" Glorfindel lunged at him.

"And here's Davey – put the sword away, Davey."

"How wonderful!" Glorfindel hugged him tightly, which should have been impossible, but apparently it wasn't.

"And that's Nate," said Fred, pointing to the Nazgul directly behind him.

"Oh, what joy!" cried Glorfindel, hugging that one as well.

"There's Jim."

"Amazing!" Glorfindel practically strangled him.

"Uh…his name, it's, um…Biff, right."

"What wonder!"

"That one is Agent Phil, but we just call him Phil," said Fred, pointing at the second-to-last Nazgul, who had a spear sticking out of his chest from behind.

Glorfindel glared at him. "How dare you!"

"How dare I?" said Phil in an innocent raspy voice.

"We thought you were dead!" said Glorfindel. "You even trailed off dramatically mid-sentence!"

Phil shrugged. "Well, it was a great opportunity, I couldn't help it."

"Meh." Glorfindel shrugged as well, then leaped forward and hugged him too. He turned to the last Nazgul and raised an eyebrow dramatically. "And who are you?"

"I am Dude," said the last Nazgul.

"Dude?"

"Yes, Dude," said Dude.

"Whoa, dude! You mean your name is Dude?!"

"Yes, it's Dude, dude."

"Dude! That's awesome, dude!"

"Shut up," said Fred, who was getting a headache, even though it was physically impossible for a Nazgul to get a headache.

Glorfindel and Dude looked at him with shock. "Du-ude!"

Fred sat down, then bent over and hit his head on the ground many times. The other Nazgul saw what he was doing, then sat down and began hitting their heads on the ground. Dude sat down and began hitting his head on the ground.

After a moment of staring at them, Glorfindel sat down and started hitting his head on the ground. In between whacks, he said conversationally, "So Fred, I think I might have gone the wrong way. Would you happen to know where Lothlórien is?"

"Oh, of course," Fred said, hitting his head on the ground.

Glorfindel waited twenty more head whacks before asking, "So where is it?"

"Next to a bunch of mountains," said Fred. "And surrounded by a lot of trees."

"Thanks," said Glorfindel. "So can you take me there?"

"No," Fred said. "My boss might get mad at me."

"Oh," Glorfindel said with a disappointed look on his face. "Okay, then. So can Dude take me there?"

"Du-u-u-u-u-u-ude," said Dude in a dramatic hippy way.

"No," said Fred.

"Aw, man," Glorfindel said, and continued hitting his head on the ground. When Fred stopped hitting his head on the ground, his headache gone, the others stopped as well.

Then Fred saw the Orc instruments lying on the ground from earlier and he pointed at them. "Does anyone know where those came from?"

"I think I do," said Biff in a timid voice.

Fred and all the other Nazgul screamed, except for Dude, who just went, "Dude…"

"Who are you?" Fred said, staring at the other Nazgul in shock.

Biff looked at the ground. "I'm Biff," he said in a sad voice. Glorfindel hugged him to make him feel better.

"Oh, you," said Fred. "Right. Where did the instruments come from, then?"

"Those elves we saw running away a minute ago," Biff said.

"Elves?" Glorfindel wondered. "Oh right. I hugged a few Orcs and they turned into Elves."

"We hatesssss nassssty elvesssesss," said a whispery gaspy voice from somewhere, and Glorfindel ran over to Gollum, hugged him, then ran back to the Nazgul.

Fred was hitting his head on the ground again. "Stop hugging Orcs!" he complained between whacks. "You're turning them all into Elves!"

Glorfindel shrugged. "Sorry."

Fred stood up. "Okay, who wants to start a music band with those instruments?!"

Everyone raised their hands except for Dude, who just went, "Dude…" Glorfindel raised his hand until Fred said, "That's settled, then! Everyone pick an instrument."

"What were we raising our hands for again?" asked Jim, and was promptly hit in his invisible head by nine different instruments – one from each other Nazgul and one from Glorfindel – and a glowing yellow ring. Immediately all of the Nazgul screamed and crowded around Jim.

"Is it, is it, is it?" Fred said excitedly, then his invisible shoulders slumped and he grabbed the electric guitar he had thrown. "Never mind."

"Givessss usss precioussss back, preciousssss," said Gollum, and Nate threw the ring at him.

"So can someone take me to Lothlórien?" Glorfindel asked after finding that the microphone he had thrown at Jim was broken.

An ugly pale hand was raised. "Yesss, we will take you to thissss Lothlórien."

"Oh, good, thanks," said Glorfindel. "You're so nice!"

Gollum came out from behind the rock he was hiding behind and led Glorfindel away from the awful music the Nazgul were starting to play.

Glorfindel could still hear Fred talking behind him. "We'll call it the Nazgul Rocks!" screamed Fred excitedly, and everyone smashed their instruments on the ground.

"Duuuuuuuuddddddeeeeeee!" yelled Dude, and Glorfindel and Gollum started running.

Well. That officially confirms it. I. Am. Insane. *bows to the readers* Farewell, I have just been captured by the Insanity Police and am going to be committed to an asylum for – okay, not really.

Where is Gollum going to take Glorfindel?! Give me your guesses, and I will not tell you whether you got it right! (Hint: It's not Lothlórien, because Gollum "hatessss elvessessss…")

Now review, or else Fred and the other Nazgul will COME FOR YOU!