I just want everyone to know that there is absolutely no timeline in this. Glorfindel the amazing Sadness-Slayer is not hampered by the ridiculous limits of time or space!
Also, thank you, everyone, for your reviews! LOTCR (L)ord (O)f (T)he (C)razed (R)eviews), you're hilarious! I love your reviews! *dies laughing* And wow! I think this is the most reviews I have ever gotten on one chapter before! Keep it up! *claps for you all*
"Are you sure we're going the right way?" Glorfindel asked the little red-haired hairy hairball – no, Gimli – as he saw a bunch of burning houses in the distance. There were also many people screaming and running around in circles ahead.
Gimli looked as insulted as a hair-covered thing could look. "Yes, of course we're going the right way! Why would King Thorin give you a guide that doesn't know where he's going?"
"Gimli, there's a reason you didn't lead the Fellowship," said Legolas.
"No there's not," Gimli said.
"Yes there is."
"No there's not!"
"Yes there is!" exclaimed Legolas.
"Oh yeah, what is it?"
"It's because you have a terrible sense of direction," said Legolas.
"I DO NOT!" roared Gimli in a very loud, very deep, very insulted voice.
"Uh-huh," Legolas said, putting his hands on his hips like he had seen his fabulous father do sometimes – though the fabulous part of the putting-hands-on-hips failed terribly. "I am so going to lead now." He shoved ahead of Gimli and started marching away.
Glorfindel scratched his head and followed.
"HEY!" Gimli yelled. "I'm the one leading this mission! Uh…quest…thing! Move!" He pushed Legolas out of the way and continued toward the burning villages.
Glorfindel started going after Gimli.
"You're going the wrong way!" said Legolas, frustrated. He cut between Gimli and Glorfindel and began leading the Sadness-Slayer in the other direction. Glorfindel spun and followed.
"No, I'm not! I was the one assigned to lead him anyway!" Gimli, determined not to leave Glorfindel to the wits of another ridiculous blonde-haired elf, grabbed Glorfindel's arm and tugged him in the other direction.
"Hey, that's cheating!" Legolas immediately snatched Glorfindel's other arm and yanked, trying to get him to go in the other direction.
Glorfindel just stood there with a tolerant yet confused look on his face while they pulled in opposite directions, his feet planted firmly in the ground.
"Oh well," said Glorfindel finally, and sat down. Gimli and Legolas let go of him and moved closer, glaring at each other as they continued arguing.
Glorfindel sat for an hour or so before he got bored. Hopping to his feet, he quickly gave Legolas and Gimli a hug – they continued arguing – and dashed away toward the burning village.
Once there, he found some random human woman loading up her two random kids onto a really, really ugly horse. He stared at the horse for a few seconds, and then gave it a hug. After quickly hugging the random human, he hugged her two random kids and darted away toward the city that he could see with his keen elven vision, as he was an elf, and elves tended to have eyes.
When he got to the city, he trotted confidently past the gates and into the main hall. Seeing two random human guards standing guard, as that is what guards do – they guard – he hurried over and hugged them before inquiring, "Mortals, would you happen to know where I am?"
The first guard was unconscious before he hit the floor.
Glorfindel stared at the fainting human before he turned his gaze on the other guard. "Do you know where I am?"
"Edoras, of course," that one managed to squeak out before he fainted as well.
"Oh, of course," said Glorfindel, and nodded his head understandingly. He then leaned over and tapped the unconscious guard's shoulder. "Pardon me, might you tell me where in Middle Earth is Edoras? I really am terrible at this sort of stuff."
When he, unsurprisingly, received no answer, Glorfindel reached into an oversized pocket on his tunic and pulled out his GPS. He turned it on, examined it for a moment, and tapped the screen. Naturally, he hit the wrong button, as that is what everyone does when they try to operate a GPS. An ad came up, and someone started singing a strange song that involved a dancing penguin, a piece of apple pie, and a new sink. Glorfindel screamed loudly and threw the GPS across the courtyard, staring when it broke into millions of pieces and exploded into confetti.
The confetti rained down all over the ground, and Glorfindel drew something in it before he walked all the way inside the big huge building that had horses all over it. He had noticed that these people had a strange infatuation with horses.
"Hello, mortal," he greeted the old guy sitting on the throne with glazed eyes and a decidedly unhealthy complexion. "I greet you."
"What…business do you have here –" the old man started to wheeze, but Glorfindel cut him off.
"What a great question!" With that, he lunged across the room and hugged the old guy. Immediately, a change took place. The nasty grey hair magically shrunk, his eyes cleared, his face became less old, and his back straightened.
"What devilry is this?" said the now-no-longer old guy, looking around with a gleam in his eyes.
Glorfindel stopped hugging him and stepped back. "I'd just like to ask a question. Where is Edoras?"
"Right here, of course," said the now-no-longer old man in a 'duh' voice.
"Oh, of course," Glorfindel said. "I knew that. I meant where in Middle Earth is Edoras?"
The now-no-longer old guy gasped. He gestured, and two guards with a full hazard suit, a mask, and goggles stepped forward. "I do not tolerate cursing in my kingdom! Take the elf away!"
"What?" said Glorfindel as he was dragged away by the guards in hazard suits. They dragged him out of the main building, then dragged him down the pathway. After dragging him to the front gate, they dragged him out the front gate, and tossed him on his backside in the front of the city.
Glorfindel stood up and rubbed his aching backside. He sent a sad look after the guards in hazard suits, wishing that they hadn't just slammed and locked the doors so he could go after them and hug them. Then he heard a girly gasp.
Turning his head, he saw a beautiful blonde-haired human lady standing with a bundle of flowers in one hand and a sword in the other hand. She had a long white-ish dress on, and a terrible method of keeping her hair untangled in a very windy place.
"Oh, hey," said Glorfindel. "I guess that means we're both locked out of the city then?"
"I HATE YOU, WORMTONGUE!" screamed the woman suddenly, throwing her flowers on the ground and storming toward the walls. She hacked at them for a few minutes with her sword before she gave up.
Glorfindel, retaining enough sense to keep from running at her and getting skewered, waited until she paused to get her breath before he hurried over to her and gave her a big hug. The lady burst into tears and he patted her blonde head until she stopped, now decided that he must have been sent back to stop this terrible epidemic of people crying! After all, everywhere he went, someone was crying.
Suddenly the blonde-haired lady jerked back and glared at him. "I'm tough," she said. "I don't do hugs."
"Oh, everyone does hugs, silly," said Glorfindel. Suddenly he spotted a random dude riding into the city with a weird helmet and long blonde hair. He ran to him, gave him a long hug, then ran back to the blonde-haired woman. "See? He accepted my hug!"
"That was my brother!" exclaimed the woman. "Wow! He is not a huggy type of person, either! Huh, I guess hugs aren't that bad!"
"Indeed," agreed Glorfindel, and gave her another hug.
Then the blonde-haired lady gasped and pointed at a white face sticking around a corner. "Oh my word, it's Wormtongue! I HATE YOU, WORMTONGUE!"
The white face vanished.
Glorfindel gasped himself. "Oh my word, it's Wormtongue! Is that guy creeping on you?"
The blonde-haired lady nodded, sniffed, and wiped at her face vigorously with her sword, carving a bunch of gashes into her cheeks. She didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, he keeps following me around and staring at my beautiful new shoes. I think he wants to steal them or something."
"Oh, my!" gasped Glorfindel. He dashed over to the corner of the wall and marched around, immediately seeing the white-faced human who had just been spying on the blonde-haired woman. "YOU," Glorfindel boomed, placing his hands on his hips and looking down at the human. "STOP CREEPING ON MY LADY FRIEND."
"I'm sorry, sorry!" squealed the white-faced human. "I won't do it again!"
"I don't believe you," said Glorfindel, and then promptly gave the white-faced human a hug. The white-faced human passed out from the sheer amazingness of it, and Glorfindel strode back to the blonde-haired woman, happy with himself. "There, that's solved," he said.
The blonde-haired woman sniffed daintily, then remembered she was supposed to be tough and fierce. She scowled fiercely and toughly and sheathed her sword. "But my uncle is still acting weird!" she said in a fierce and tough voice.
"Oh, I hugged him and now he's fine," Glorfindel said.
"Really?"
"Yes. Always remember, hugs have the power to heal," Glorfindel instructed her. "Especially if you've been practicing for thousands of years and have perfected your hugs."
"But I'm mortal," said the blonde-haired woman.
"Oh, right, I forgot. You're going to die," said Glorfindel.
The blonde-haired lady's shoulders slumped. "Well, that's cheering."
"It is, isn't it?" Glorfindel agreed.
"ORC!" screamed the woman suddenly, pointing behind Glorfindel.
Glorfindel spun calmly, grabbed the creature, and gave it a fierce hug. There was a 'popping' noise, then an elf appeared (the orc obviously vanished). He stood, staring around for a second, then screamed in terror and dashed away.
Glorfindel smiled happily. "Well, that solved that. Farewell, blonde lady friend! I go to find Lothlórien!" He pulled a handful of glitter out of his pocket, threw it into the air, and punched the nearest person in the face. Then he whirled and dashed away, golden hair flying behind him.
"Bye!" said the blonde-haired woman, waving as he vanished over the nearest hill, which happened to be only a few feet away for ease of writing this story. She frowned suddenly. "Wait! Lothlórien is in the other direction!"
Legolas was right. Gimli was leading Glorfindel in the wrong direction. Or…maybe he was leading him in the right direction! Who even knows anymore?
Okay, someone told me I should be less…threatening when I want reviews. Personally, I really think the threats are working so far, but I'll try to be nicer. *sighs*
NOW REVIEW and Glorfindel will come and give you a big hug! Squeeee! (Or to Sqagigoo – and you know who you are – if you don't review, Glorfindel will come and give you a big hug!) *clears throat awkwardly* If that even made sense…
And hey! If you get the HISHE quote, Glorfindel will give you two hugs! *coughs* *clears throat* *smiles innocently*