A/N: Really. This chp title should be "The Lewd Mongoose" Thanks to Shiniest Queen for beta-ing.

It was a slow day for Hunter. The big boss was out with his pet hacker and doing god knows what. Frankly, he didn't care. Hartley was following one of the scientists, doing her 'guard duty' which amounted to pretty much doing nothing and since he was off duty, he was indulging in some beers and watching trash telly. But nothing is ever 'slow' or 'normal' in Shield. The most 'normal' day he had in Shield so far was when Jemma, the other British and her sidekick scientist (which he frankly has no idea what his name is) accidentally dismantled the hologram table. Hunter has no idea they did it but she's definitely in the doghouse since he hadn't seen her since that. But he digress. So he was sitting at the couch, watching trash telly when the intercom started buzzing and then shrieking. It was Hartley alright. But what was the thing about mongoose?

"Beware of the mongoose!" she shrieked. Then like a Hero that he was, Hunter armed himself and hurtled towards the labs.

Mongoose. Mongooses everywhere.

"Uh.. Hartley? What's with the…" And oh god, were they vicious. He stepped to the the left, missing a flying mongoose just by an inch, then dive-rolled behind the Hologram table. Hartley stood. Her shirt ripped, her arm lined with scratches.

"Ben made an equipment that turns things into mongoose." She surged forward, slamming her dagger's hilt into another mongoose. "Yep, teeth and claws like blades too. Grab the ones out in the garage, I'll grab the ones here."

She ushered him out of the door, slamming it behind him. Hunter stared at the car parts that had been scattered around the garage - all of which are now mongooses, and hissing at him. "Hartley-!" He called out. "I'm feeling very fearful of my life!"

Several hours later.

"Come work for Shield, she said. You'll get to meet many exciting people, she said. But nooo. No one said about meeting people who make equipments that turn things into living mongooses!" Hunter ducked the mongoose, feeling the mongoose rip his belt. "What the fuck! Are you aiming for my trousers!?"

He sidestepped the mongoose, backing against the wall. "You're just a bloody mongoose! I've faced men with rifles and helicopters and- and- and tigers! I'm not afraid of you!"

He jumped at the mongoose which scuttled beneath him and shredded the front part of his pants and quite possibly his boxers. He rolled. The mongoose still clutching his pants and he wondered if he'd be able to headbutt the mongoose against the floor before it ran again. Thrusting his hips hard with the mongoose, he tried to bang it unconscious. With several hard thrusts, it finally got knocked unconscious. Groaning and panting from exertion because he did just knock out at least twenty of the vicious buggers, Hunter rolled up, pulling the mongoose away from his groin.

A startled squeak from the corner of the garage alerted him to a new presence. The Big Boss's pet hacker! What was her name? Sara? Skate? Skye? Skye sounded right.

She was staring at him then at the mongoose. He palmed his face. "There's a perfectly rational explanation for the mongoose," he told her, not sure how long she had been standing there. However judging from her wide-eyed stare and very judgemental eyeing, Hunter was pretty sure she had been watching his whole fight with the mongoose… and his ripped pants… and him humping the mongoose. "It's not like that!" He motioned wildly, throwing the mongoose to the little cage with the other mongooses.

She backed away from him rapidly, door to her back. "It's okay. It's fine. Everyone has their own kinks. Just uh- make sure you clean up." She circled the garage with her finger and fled down the hallway.

Hunter stared at her shrinking back, words registering in his mind. The words that- he always wondered what kink his soulmark actually referred to. "Shit, that was my soulmate!"

"Skyeeeee!" He ran down the hallway, hand clutching his shredded pants, jacket going over where his boxers had been torn. "I was not humping the mongoose!"

"DC! Save me from the mongoose-humping merc!"

"Humping what?" Coulson pursed his lips and massaged his temple. He was quite certain he didn't want to know. And very certain he was going to need a drink after he heard the story.