Attack on Titan: Left Behind

by Forschia

The bravest soldiers of mankind in Survey Corps have no stories with happy endings. Even so, for them, life isn't all hellfire and agony; it's not always butterflies and rainbows either. They live a life of never-ending fights, bearing humanity's hope of freedom on their damaged backs, and the torment to be left behind in this cruel world inside their broken hearts. [LevixOC]

11. Chapter 10

Attack on Titan: Left Behind

Chapter 10

-Year 845, the day of Survey Corps 30th Expedition beyond the Wall-

Beams of sunshine passed through the high mullioned windows into the castle. The sky was clear, nearly cloudless, only a few streaks of wispy clouds appeared over the horizon, circling the rising sun; strong wind rippled the grass and gusted through the yellowish-red foliages of the trees, autumn leaves soaring high along with the boisterously chirping birds. The morning couldn't have been more beautiful; it looked as if the universe was bestowing good luck for today's expedition, but no matter how friendly and encouraging the weather tried to be, it failed to brighten up the dismal atmosphere that plagued the almost noiseless mess hall.

The veterans talked indistinctly over their breakfast, discussing and confirming last minute preparations, some lost in their own speculations, some just concentrated on what they were eating. They looked alert, somewhat nervous, but nonetheless there was a certain air of readiness upon them; years of experience had provided them with confidence to make it through the day. The recruits, however, sat up rigidly in strained silence with resigned expression on their pallid faces that might suggest they were about to line up for gallows. None of them spoke much since yesterday, black sags under their eyes told how restless their sleep last night. Many plates left untouched. It seemed all of them had trouble to swallow as if they were gnawing rocks instead of gruel and bread (on the contrary, Alex was as bright as the sun outside and already finished her meal). But none of them was half as disgruntled and morose as Kenneth, who seemed had been force-fed with gallons of unbearably bitter poison.

"This is getting ridiculous," said Gerard, with a pat on Kenneth's shoulder. "Let bygones be bygones. What if I'm the one who'll die first today and the last thing you ever said to me was I'm a traitorous double-crossing asshole?"

He quickly retracted his hand as Kenneth spared him a hateful look.

"You betrayed me," said Kenneth, voice low, shoveling his gruel with unnecessary ferocity.

Gerard seemed resisting the temptation to smack his head with a bowl. "For Heaven's sake, dude, this is not my fault!"

"Shut up," Kenneth hissed, a muscle in his jaw twitched. "Stay away from me."

The squad placement was announced a couple days ago and most of the recruits were stationed in relay teams except the top ten graduates. Much to Kenneth's fury, Gerard was placed in Levi's Squad with Alex, while he, Sophie and Emory was placed under direct command of Mike Zacharius, temporarily replacing the original member of Mike's Squad. Kenneth had permanent awful mood and snapped to anyone who annoyed him since then, but no one suffered worse from his rage like Gerard, whom he believed had done nothing worthy to serve under Humanity's Strongest Soldier. Since the military boot camp, Gerard had never taken any drills seriously, had not bother to do extra hour of training and his habits had not changed even with the prospect of fighting titans very soon, in contrast with Kenneth who always practiced every day like there was no tomorrow, working his ass off until all his muscles sore as if he was preparing himself for a solo raid into a mobster's den. It was not fair, but the chain of commands was inviolable. Tension condensed dreadfully on the table. Kenneth was muttering vile accusations under his breath; Gerard was whispering retorts back at him, his half-eaten meal was forgotten. Emory opened his mouth to say something then pressed his lips together, a second later, he continued to eat, apparently had decided it was not worth wasting his energy to make a conciliatory approach. Sophie bit the inside of her cheeks, evidently trying to not laugh or smile, which would further worsen the situation, but couldn't hold it any longer and pretended to choke on bread as an excuse to turn her giggle into a cough. Alex was expecting something interesting would happen, like flipping table or tussling on the floor (she and Kenneth had too many fights on mealtimes back in the academy and most of them ended spectacularly with flying table and broken chairs) and was mildly disappointed when Gerard and Kenneth only quarreling as quiet as possible, so she gazed out of the window and ate Gerard's gruel.

The bell rang, followed by the sound of scrapping chair against the floor as the soldiers got up and concurrent muffled shrieks of surprise from the recruits. Soldiers filed out of the mess hall to the front yard, checking their equipments and logistics, getting the horses ready, and loading supplies into the carts.

"You know the rules," said Gerard desperately, walking beside Kenneth, "but honestly, I will change squad with you if we can."

"Yeah, only if we can," Kenneth snarled at him.

"Why are you blaming him?" said Alex to Kenneth. "It's really not his fault, you know, Commander Erwin is the one who arranged the squad placement. If you think his judgment is inequitable, maybe you should ask him why—"

"Fuck off, dwarf," Kenneth snapped, glaring at her and stalking away.

"What is his problem?" said Alex, completely clueless.

"Remember when you beat his final grade in the first year?" said Emory, checking his flares and signal pistols. "He didn't talk to you for a month. He can't stand another living being one step ahead of him."

"His personality is really horrible," said Sophie, patting Gerard on the back. "I never imagined he even had a row with you. I mean, how could he? You two are best friends."

"Ha ha. What do you think I've been doing all these years, Soph?" said Gerard with a grim smile. "Fighting is a part of bonding. We have a hell lot of fights, but anything could happen today…" he added uneasily.

"Just leave him alone for now," said Emory. "Give him some time, he'll be back to normal, eventually."

Gerard sighed. "I guess I have no choice…"

"He'll talk to you again, he always do in the end," Emory reassured, bumping his fist lightly on Gerard's shoulder. "Stop worrying about him. We've got much worse things to worry about today."

Emory and Sophie trod away, heading to the other side of the front yard where Kenneth was talking to Nanaba. Gerard picked up his belongings idly, looking even more miserable.

"His pride is really troublesome," Alex commented, helping him to pack his stuff. "You should stop begging for his forgiveness, he's not even listening to you."

"If I die today and we haven't made up, I'm one hundred percent sure he'll blame himself for what happen and live forever with the guilt," said Gerard in a hushed voice, heaving his knapsack. "I don't want that happen to him…"

"Oh… That's…very considerate," said Alex, quite taken aback with his reason. "After all the bad things he's done to you, why are you still so kind to him?"

Gerard put his hand around Alex's shoulder as they marched toward their squad. "He's an ass, but he's still my best buddy," he said solemnly. "He's like a brother to me but there are times I want to kick his face with my boot."

There were also times Alex had spent wondering how could two people with opposite personalities be best friends—one was definitely the second most kindhearted person she had ever met, and the other was like a spawn of devil; one more of the world's mysteries for her to solve. "But I thought Kenneth hated Captain Levi," she said. "He always calls him with insulting names like pipsqueak, sadistic runt, or a midget satan from hell. I don't understand why he wants to be in Levi's Squad."

"He won't admit it, but he really admires him," said Gerard, ruffling her hair. "And he admires you, too."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "What? Seriously?"

"No kidding. One of the reasons he always challenges you is he tries to learn your impressive fighting style."

"Oh… And I'm under the impression that his lifetime goal is to beat me up until I lay unconscious in infirmary."

"He's basically hostile to everyone who is stronger than him."

Their squadmates were already double-checking the squad's logistics when they arrived: the black-haired female soldier, who had been promoted to Second-in-Command, was scribbling on a clipboard, and the other soldier was sifting through the supplies inside a crate.

"Whoa, The Soldier Who Lived is here," said Josef, grinning. His manner had improved considerably well toward Alex since her phenomenal return. "Don't pull another stunts like the last time or you're really gonna give me heart failure."

"I'll do my best to not jumping to the gorge again today," said Alex politely.

"What was that ruckus about? You recruits have a problem?" asked Flora, glancing at Gerard and Alex. "We don't have time for drama once we set off."

"Oh, that's just my friend, acting all whiny and sulky like a five years old," said Gerard, jerking his head to the direction of Mike's Squad. "He wants to be in Captain Levi's Squad."

"He shouldn't complaining about it," said Josef reproachfully, casting an annoyed look at Kenneth. "It's actually an honor for a mere recruit, Squad Leader Mike is amazing. He was the strongest soldier in Survey Corps before Captain Levi joined in."

"He has been serving the corps longer than Commander Erwin," Flora added, resuming her inspection. "The fastest one to be promoted to Team Leader, and he has become Squad Leader for years. Those are saying something about his leadership skill."

Alex nudged Gerard and smiled. "That may cheer him up."

"Miss, permission to be dismissed?" said Gerard. "I want to finish the drama before we set off."

Flora didn't tear her eyes from her clipboard as she inspected the next crate. "Yes, but be quick," she ordered. "Tell your friend it's time to grow up and act like a soldier."

In a last-ditch attempt to make a peace treaty, they sped off to Kenneth, who was checking his horse near the fence. Gerard reiterated everything about the awesomeness of Squad Leader Mike. Kenneth stared at the front gate, stony-faced, completely ignoring Gerard. Alex was at the end of her tether.

"Squad Leader Mike is a great soldier and awesome leader," she said in patronizing tone as though that settled the matter. "I was briefly under his command on the previous expedition, he's really strong. Miss Nanaba is a strict and serious soldier, but she's also caring and dependable. You always can come to her if you have problems. You're in a very great squad. Will you please stop being a jerk to Gerard? He doesn't deserve your annoying attitude."

Normally, that kind of condescending lecture from Alex would generate a world war, so it was rather surprising that Kenneth showed no indications that he even noticed they were there.

"Dude, are you okay?" said Gerard, waving a hand in front of his face.

"Tell me…" said Kenneth, rubbing his eyes then staring at the front gate again. "Am I dreaming, or is that really a noble carriage from Wall Sina?"

"Yes, it is," said Alex, who had seen many similar luxurious horse-drawn carriages at the ball.

The unexpected arrival of an unknown visitor interrupted the preparation process. More soldiers noticed it and halted their work, peering over and moving closer toward the gate to get a better look. Emory joined them at the fence while still coiling up heavy ropes with his hands.

"What do you reckon is that insignia?" asked Kenneth.

Emory squinted his eyes at the carriage door, which emblazoned with twin lions against crossing swords and shield. "Wait, wait, it looks very familiar… I've seen it before…"

"More importantly, what is it doing here?" said Gerard.

Sophie had just caught up and squeezed herself in between Alex and Emory. "What is it, guys? What are we looking—" she let out a horrified gasp and dropped her kitbag; all the flares, hardtacks, a medical kit, water pouch and bundles of linen bandages scattered at her feet.

"I know!" said Emory. "That's the coat of arms of Wildenberg House!"

Alex quickly looked up at Sophie, who was staring at the carriage with bulging eyes as though the monster of her nightmare had come to life.

"I gotta hide!" she whispered.

"Too late," said Alex.

The coachman had opened the door and bowed low as a woman glided down the carriage steps in hurry. A few people squealed in awe, many stared at her with mouth hanging open. The woman was endearingly good-looking, tall and lithe, with golden blonde hair pulled into a high bun. She scanned the wide-eyed crowd, her eyes fell upon the place where Alex stood, and then, with an expression of enormous relief, she cried.

"Sophie my dear!"

It looked like there was a giant wave crossed the front yard as all heads turned to Sophie, who had backtracked from the fence and clasped her hands to her mouth, looking thoroughly mortified. The woman rushed past the staring soldiers, her green silk dress billowing behind her. Now that they stood face-to-face, the resemblance between the woman and Sophie was obvious.

"What are you doing here?!" said Sophie angrily.

"Oh, my dear girl!" said the woman, pulling Sophie into a tight hug.

"Mother—stop—it—" said Sophie, trying to pull away. "I said stop! You're strangling me!"

"I thought I was too late!" The woman started to sob, holding Sophie in arm's length and examining her from head to toe as if looking for mortal injuries. "I couldn't imagine you would really go outside the walls. You have no idea what you're going to face out there!"

"Get back inside and go home!" Sophie led her mother back to the carriage by the arm. "Stop weeping for Sina's sake!"

"My dear, we really need to talk! There's still time for you to reconsider—"

"I'm done considering and we've done talking about everything!"

"Don't you know I'm always so worried about you? Oh Dear Sina, I couldn't stop crying since last night—"

"You've been crying at anytime ever since my enrollment, now get in!" Sophie opened the door and pushed her mother. "We'll talk inside!"

Sophie went in after her and closed the carriage door with a snap. A few seconds of pregnant silence passed as the soldiers comprehended what just happened, and then they put their heads together and a boom of chattering erupted all over the yard.

"What in the gracious name of fuck was that?" said Kenneth, looking dumbfounded.

"T-That's, Lady M-M-Marianne—" Gerard stammered, "the real deal, and Sophie, she is—she just—holy shit!"

"And she just called Lady Marianne her mother…" said Emory slowly, sounding as though he believed his hearing was impaired. "Her…mother? Seriously?"

"God damn it!" Kenneth shouted. "Isn't that mean she's an heiress?!"

"So, after all this time," said Gerard, wrapping his arm around Kenneth's shoulders, "you always insult the heiress from one of the most prestigious noble Houses in Mitras."

"Because she's always so fucking annoying!" said Kenneth, so thunderstruck he forgot to be hostile toward Gerard. "Who could have guessed she is nobility?!"

"You always call her a bitch," Gerard reminded, "and mock her parents for giving birth to such a bitch."

"Because she's always bitching about everything! She's annoying, bossy, insufferable bitch! No sane person can stand her attitude!"

"The fact doesn't change, you always treat her without respect," said Emory with a shudder. "You…have committed serious crimes of besmirching the name and honor of the distant relatives of The King."

Gerard snorted, unable to keep a straight face at the look of shame and horror on Kenneth's face. "Dude, you are so screwed!"

"I know! Damn it!" spat Kenneth.

"Sophie seems very angry," Alex commented, watching the mute shrieking match between Sophie and her mother from the window, the latter was busy dabbing her face with handkerchief.

"How can you not surprised?" asked Kenneth, looking down at Alex.

"I know about it, I met her at the royal ball two weeks ago."

"You didn't bother to tell us?!" Emory demanded.

"I promised her to not tell anyone," said Alex airily as the carriage door flung open.

"—do I have to tell you?! I'm not going home!" Sophie screamed as she jumped down, her face blotchy red. "I'm a soldier now! I can't ditch my duty just because you cry a river!"

Lady Marianne followed behind her with tears brimming from her eyes. "Sophie von Wildenberg, come back here," she said in a stern voice, wiping her face. "I don't remember raising you to behave like this. We're still talking."

Her steps faltered. Sophie turned around and strode back to her mother. "Why can't you understand me?" she asked weakly, looking down at her boots. "I know all the risks. I know what I'm doing. For your information, I'm good at being a soldier. Why can't you be supportive just for once?"

"And why can't you understand that I'm worried about you?" said Lady Marianne tenderly, stroking her daughter's face. "It's so dangerous out there, I just—I just want to help, I want to protect you…"

"If you want to protect me, go to the church and chant prayers of Goddess Sina a thousand times, ask for Her Blessing so I can get back from outside wall intact in one piece. That's all you can do."

"But still—"

"May I help you with something, Milady?"

Both of the women turned to the voice; Erwin had come hurrying forward out of the crowd.

"Oh, Erwin! Good to see you again!" said Lady Marianne, beaming and reaching out her hand. "It's been a long time, hasn't it? I'm glad you seem fine and healthy."

"I'm glad to see you fine and healthy as well," Erwin said and bowed low, kissing her hand lightly. "I'm afraid my tight schedule doesn't let me having a leisure time to pay you a visit."

"Never mind that, I understand soldiers always—oh!" She looked at his bolo tie and smiled. "I'm sorry, I forgot you had been promoted, Commander Erwin."

Erwin replied her smile. "Milady, I prefer to be addressed without my military rank, if you don't mind."

"I do mind," said Lady Marianne. "It's so proud to see you achieve many great things in such young age. Squad Leader, Second-in-Command, and now the Commander."

"Oh, you are so proud, big deal!" said Sophie shrilly. "You are proud with his promotion but despised my enrollment in military, chastised me for joining Survey Corps, and now you're abasing me in front of my comrades before my first expedition."

"My dear, Sophie," Lady Marianne began. "I don't—"

"Save your breath, mother," Sophie cut in and folded her arms. "I don't have time to listen to your lecture. It's almost the time for expedition, right, Commander?"

Erwin maintained his benign smile. He looked at Lady Marianne, and said, "I understand your concern regarding Milady Sophie. But right now, she is a soldier, and I'm afraid," he continued, with a little bow, and his voice became very business-like, "the right to dismiss a soldier still resides with the Commander. It is my wish that Milady Sophie will participate in the expedition to fulfill the oaths she has taken. "

"B-b-but, Erwin, I'm just s-so w-worried," Lady Marianne stuttered, twisting her handkerchief frantically; clearly she had hoped that Erwin would back her up. "You know how dangerous out there, it will be a miracle if she come through it alive. Please, she's my only girl…"

"I'm terribly sorry," said Erwin courteously. "I ask for your understanding that I can't let you take my soldier away, no matter what sort of excuses you make. If you still insist on overstepping my authority, I will take it as an act to sabotage my expedition and I advise you to vacate the premise immediately, Milady."

Lady Marianne heaved a sigh of defeat, clutching her chest. "So, you are…really going?" she said to Sophie.

"Of course." Sophie drew herself to her full height and tossed her long braid. "Nothing you can do will change my mind."

"Both of you, come closer to me," said Lady Marianne, extending her hands. "Please take my hands. Let's make a circle prayer."

Erwin looked surprised. Before he could refuse, Sophie had grasped his hand and pulled him forward, throwing him a firm stare. She seemed as if ready to do whatever it took to make her mother go away—even wrestle with a titan if she had to.

Lady Marianne seized their hands, closed her eyes and mouthed a long prayer. A few minutes passed, she opened her eyes and smiled weakly. "I wish you all the luck to come home safely," she said calmly. "May the Three Divines watch over your battle and bless you with victory."

"Thanks, mother," said Sophie quietly.

"I appreciate your concern to me as well, Milady," said Erwin, bowing low. "Thank you very much."

Still looking crestfallen and shaken, Lady Marianne kissed Sophie on each cheek, curtsied then retreated into the carriage. The spectators grew thinner, resuming their works, as the carriage sped down the road, jiggling and swaying, and vanished at the crossroads.

"Thank you, Commander," said Sophie in an undertone. "Sorry for the commotion."

"I never thought you told Lady Marianne about today," said Erwin.

"I never told her, but Father might slip something on last night dinner…"

"What is done is done." Erwin clapped her on the back. "Expedition starts in twenty minutes. Calm yourself down."

Sophie nodded, crossing her arms, and trudged back to her squad, but she had left her stuff so she had to cross the yard past silently staring soldiers—they looked at her as if she was an alien—and returned to the fence. Emory and Gerard watched her apprehensively as she marched closer. Alex remained nonchalant, kneeling on the ground and putting the linen bandages back into the medical kit box. Kenneth gazed at her with frozen expression as if the shock of knowing her true identity had thrown out his soul to the next realm.

"What are you looking at?" said Sophie to Kenneth as she picked up her kitbag.

Kenneth recoiled and slowly shook his head, unable to compose a single word, but eventually said, in a strained voice, "No, nothing… M-Milady."

"Oh, don't call me that!" said Sophie irritably; a bright flush was creeping up her face. "What?" she said to Emory.

"You're an heiress of Wildenberg?" said Emory incredulously. "Why you never told us?"

Sophie cast him an annoyed look. To her left, Gerard burst out in laughter. She threw her kitbag down and rounded on him, her hands on her hips.

"What is so funny?!" she snarled.

Gerard cleared his throat. "Anything I can help you with, Milady?" he said in a feignedly dignified voice, bowing very low. "Perhaps Milady needs help to mount the horse?"

"Shut up! Never talk about this ever again!" Sophie yelled, bending down to collect the signal flares.

"A lady should not do that!" Gerard exclaimed with falsely shocked tone and bent down to help her. "Let this humble servant do it for Milady Sophie von—"

"I can do this by myself!" snapped Sophie. "Go away!"

"Stop it, she's really pissed," Emory warned, elbowing Gerard hard on the ribs.

"Oh, come on! This is amusing!" said Gerard, rubbing his side. "She always teases us all the time, a little revenge won't hurt!"

"If I ever insult her again, punch me," said Kenneth seriously. "An heiress… Who could have thought—"

"Shut up and go away!"

Another dangerous glare from Sophie and the three of them scurried away without another word—Gerard had stuffed his fist to his mouth to stop himself laughing. Alex stayed behind and continued to gather up the remaining items, thinking some words of comfort for Sophie, whose hands were shaking so badly she had trouble arranging the signal flare cartridges in proper order.

"They just make fun of you, don't make it a big deal," said Alex; never before she had seen Sophie so wrathful like this.

"This is exactly why I never wanted anyone to know," she said in a choked voice and seemed on the verge of tears. "Now they will treat me like I'm some kind of damsel in distress. Like I'm a helpless, pathetic princess who can't do anything on her own. Everyone always does that to me…"

"You can't hide your identity forever, they'll know eventually." Alex looked across the yard, fixing her eyes on Levi, who was petting his black stallion. "In the end, somebody will know your secret, no matter how hard you try to keep them."

"Anyone would never know if Mother had not made such a scene!" said Sophie peevishly, shoving the hardtacks into the kitbag until they crumbled. "I hate her! She's so pushy and annoying! Always bossing me around, telling me what to do, and what was she thinking?! Coming here and ordering me to go home! For the love of Sina, I'm not a child!"

"Don't you dare speak badly about your mother," said Alex crossly, glaring at her. "She loves you. You should be grateful for that."

Sophie gave her an annoyed look she had just given Emory. "I am aware she loves me so much she couldn't breath without me," she replied coldly. "But if your mother shows up and treats you like a three years old and makes you look utterly stupid in front of your peers, what will you do?"

Sophie hauled her heavy kitbag and stomped away, grumbling under her breath.

"What will I do, huh?" Alex mumbled. She got up and gazed at the front gate exactly where the luxurious carriage had been parked. A few minutes passed, she turned away, swallowing a strange thickness in the back of her throat.

I'll never know what to do. I never have someone like that in the first place…

She hastened toward her squad, picked up her provisions and trotted to the stables. There was an almost irresistible impulse to throw a rock at Sophie's face after she called her mother pushy and annoying. How patently absurd, Alex thought, because logically, she had no reasons to do that; Sophie didn't do anything bad to her and whatever happened between Sophie and her mother wasn't her business.

But the twinge inside her heart was unbearable; it became more agonizing to her the more she pondered about the origin of her resentment.

Alex wouldn't admit the reason, at least not out loud, because it was too embarrassing, too immature, too foolish, too complicated to be explained, but all the same it was very simple: she wanted to have something she knew would be impossible for her.

She wouldn't admit it, but her heart had wished, just for a second, or a tiniest space of time, she could walk in Sophie's shoes, just to know what it would be like to feel an embrace, a gentle caress on her face, a tender kiss on her cheek from someone who loved her unconditionally.

She wouldn't admit the sharp pang in her chest because Sophie had taken her mother's love for granted.

It was something she never had, something she had always wondered how it felt like, something she had longed for all her life, something she had given up hope to find, something she always believed was not for her, and right in front of her eyes, someone had taken it for granted.

It was unforgiveable.

It must be nice to have a caring mother…

That thought went through her like a flaming arrow and lit up the extinguished desire to roll the dice for one more time. What if she tried smarter this time? What if she fought harder? Her wishes were not just inside her head. At least, one of them really existed, and it was just right there, beyond the fence, close enough for her to see, but she just couldn't touch it. So close, but so far away…

Then, a part of her sensible mind poked her and reminded her why should she care about those trivial things. Hadn't she learned from her past experiences? She could hope and beg and pray and try all she wanted, she had done all of them.

Nothing changed. Nothing happened.

Why did she hope things would end up differently this time? As far as she could remember, her wishes had never come true. She knew there were no hopes at the end of the dark tunnel, only disappointments and regrets.

Everything was too much to ask.

She had no time to mull over mundane affairs.

She had no time for love, or hate, or game, or wishful thinking.

The only little time she had left was to make her mission successful, and she had done hesitating.

Ruffling her hair as though trying to shake the doubts off, she dashed to the deserted stables; the light brown stallion was the only one still tied up.

"Hey, partner," said Alex as she unknotted the rein. "How are you today? Feeling good?"

It neighed and licked her cheek repeatedly. This horse was definitely the sweetest animal she had ever met. Alex loaded her provisions into the panniers and led her horse to the stone path, where soldiers were lining up in accordance with their squads, ready for the departure. She looked around, realizing a lot of things still left unanswered. She wondered about the result of Squad Leader Hange's experiments, she thought it would be awesome if the eccentric scientist really succeeded to catch a titan. Commander Erwin was shouting something from the front line but she was too far away to hear his words, probably some kind of inspirational speeches about humanity to boost his troops' morale, and she wondered what sort of relationship he had with Sophie and her family. Speaking of Sophie, who still looked irritated and bad-tempered, Alex felt bad for being rude to her and wondered if she had a chance to apologize. And there was Captain Levi, whom she considered as a highly interesting person, scowling and chastising her for being late. As he went on with his tirade, she wondered why, beneath that seemingly permanent frown and harsh behavior, he could be so kind and show his concern for other people with his own peculiar ways. He was never a bad person, and she wondered if what she had seen in his eyes were true…

But none of them mattered anymore. They would be fine without her.

Alex put on the green cloak and mounted her horse. A whistle blew in the distance and the procession started to advance; a white stallion was leading the way.

"Today is a beautiful day, isn't it?" Alex murmured serenely to her horse, smiling and stroking its brown mane. "Thank you for accompanying me for the last ride."

---

The ride through the forest from the outer gate of Shiganshina District took the whole morning, as predicted, and by the time Survey Corps reached an open field to deploy the scouting formation it was already noon. Thankfully, the weather stayed with its commitment to be supportive, though the serene cloudless sky was tainted by a shower of black flares, issuing from the front right flank, close to where Levi's Squad was stationed. A moment later, green flares were soaring high; the formation was moving southeast. They had changed course twenty times, or maybe more, Levi had lost count after the fifteenth green flare. Counting didn't help to ease his foreboding, nor scrutinizing the racing trees would help him spotting titans faster, but he felt sick with apprehension that built up inside him every time rising flare was in sight so he needed to keep himself busy with simple tasks, almost like he had to in order to stay level-headed and alert. And with each shot of flares, he reminded himself that he carried the lives of his subordinate on his shoulders.

The sky was blue once more, and suddenly, a burst of black smokes streaked across the sky from the same flank.

"Damn it! It's still chasing us?!" Josef yelled as five black smokes spiraled up.

Alex shot the signal flare. "That's the flare from Squad Leader Mike's squad," she said, squinting to the nearest smoke. "Maybe the Deviant already broke our outer line of defense."

How troublesome, Levi thought, fighting Deviants in an open space, not that he doubted his comrades in the front rank were incompetent to take them down, but because God forbade an expedition would go well without Deviants tearing soldiers to pieces he was sure some squads would perish if this continued. A few soldiers were surely dying or already dead by now.

"At this rate, it will catch up with us soon!" Flora uttered the same thing he had in his mind. "Captain Levi, your order!"

Levi grasped the rein tightly, staring into the distant smokes and struggling to make the best course of action. No matter how many times they changed direction to avoid titans, the basic survival trick was to finish them all before they reached the center. He got two veterans and two recruits, one with equal capability of a veteran. They could eliminate the threats faster with more experienced soldiers but he would be damned if he let recruits wandering alone in this open field without his supervision. And as much as he wished recruits to be set aside from battle, he didn't want losing veterans at all cost; it would make a bigger impact to the corps, whose fighting strength had been declined after previous expedition. Sacrifices were always necessary, but at what cost?

Levi had learned the hard way that the benefit of all triumph personal interest and hesitation was not an option in this desperate measure.

"We'll intercept before they break further!" Levi commanded. "Flora, I'll leave the command to you! You and Josef stay with the formation! If I don't come back, you'll take the lead until the end. Don't stop! Don't break ranks! Brats,"—he glanced to Alex and Gerard—"come with me!"

Levi steered his horse toward the west where the faintest trace of black wisp still lingered in the air. If the Deviant was heading diagonally from the outermost flank straight to the center, he could run into it by any moments. Faster and faster he galloped, every second was a race between him and the rising pile of a mountain of corpses, Alex and Gerard were following closely behind him. There was small forest ahead, and a familiar blood-curdling cry of a titan welcomed them as they passed. Levi's stomach, already uncomfortable since the gate of Wall Maria crashing down, churned wildly; he pulled the rein and gestured to change course into the thickets of bushes and tress.

"What the hell!" Gerard shouted; his voice laced with dread. "So, those are—!"

"Titans, yes," Alex supplied when Gerard seem couldn't produce another word. "The worst of their kinds."

Levi swore. Black smoke meant a Deviant was spotted, though it was impossible to relay and explain the details about their situation right now with one shot of flare: Three Deviants were rampaging in a small clearing, trying to crush flashes of green flying around their heads. Mike, who clearly had thought the same thing to hunt them down before they managed to breach the second line of defense, was engaging in a fierce retaliation with a 13-meter class who just toppled a tree in its frustration to slap him like a mosquito. His subordinates were struggling to take down the remaining titans. Nanaba was fighting a 10-meter class titan, who was zigzagging between trees with an excessive swiftness despite its bulky proportion, which made it harder to get a clean cut on the nape. In the far back, three recruits were trying their best to bring down the smallest Deviant, so far not yielded results. Feeling his insides plummeting to a bottomless pit, Levi spurred his horse faster. On their first expedition, the first titan they encountered was a Deviant, smashing a gigantic fist through copse of trees, and broken branches rained down upon them, forcing them to back away. Ranks and grades didn't matter on battlefield, and to hell with whatever great achievements they had garnered in boot camp, because to Levi, they were three kids in military uniforms whose only achievement was not, yet, to be dead.

They would likely die first today, and that was why he always hated new recruits.

So much for letting mere recruits stationed in the front line…

Sound of whirring machine broke his concentration; Gerard had activated his 3DM Gear and launched himself between the foliages, soaring straight toward his comrades.

"OI, BRAT!" roared Levi. "I haven't ordered you to advance yet!"

"Sir, I can assist him," said Alex. "Give me the order to attack."

With a nod from Levi, Alex flew after Gerard. Levi focused his mind with the worst case scenario: The supplies carts would pass the vicinity very soon and he knew how this would likely end; if these monsters managed to break out of this copse and run for the formation, all the cart guard squads would be done for, the supplies would be trampled over then Erwin must announce the end of expedition, aborting the mission and going back to the walls empty-handed and defeated, like they always did.

So, yeah, Survey Corps was fucked.

Though very realistic about the possible pyrrhic outcome of this expedition, Levi was at the same time strongly idealistic and full of faith in his comrades. He believed Mike could take down any number of Deviants on his own and those brats would be fine as long as Alex was fighting with them. He yanked hard on his horse's rein and galloped toward the bulky one that almost reached the edged of the copse. Nanaba was still battling against it, diving from the highest branch, but her attack only cut the shoulder blade when the Deviant turned around and swung a massive palm right at her, and she flew sideways, successfully avoiding death by mere inches. Levi fired the hooks to the calf, sweeping close to the ground, and slashed the Achilles tendon of the both of its legs with one strike. He rose to the air, determined to finish it off but Nanaba was faster; she already cut the nape as the titan fell down.

"Thank goodness you're here!" Nanaba said as she hovered beside Levi. "I never thought reinforcement was coming."

"My squad is nearby," said Levi. "I believe these motherfuckers are merrily wrecking the front rank and I want to join the fun. What's the status?"

"There was a horde waiting at the outer right flank, it was an ambush. Forward right squads are damaged, but still functional, for now." Nanaba looked slightly frustrated. "They killed the typical titans but Deviants succeeded to slip in, ignoring the soldiers and marching right away to here."

With a booming thud, Mike claimed his victory over the Deviant and he joined them as they glided across the clearing as fast as they could to where the recruits were still struggling with might and main.

From a closer inspection, Levi realized they were not so bad in fighting. Not on the same brilliant level with Alex, but he had to admit they were doing quite well with dodging the attacks and coordinating a rapid counterattack, which, to his great surprise, worked out effectively. The Deviant fell flat on its face with a jarring thud and they withdrew to the closest branches, looking both astonished and terrified at the same time with what they had done.

"God damn it!" Gerard stared wide-eyed at the carcass. "God fucking damn it! I didn't sign up for this shit!"

"'Kill them all immediately before they reach the center,' she said," said Emory faintly, shaking his head and brushing a swath of black hair from his face, blood trickling from the scratches on his forehead. "'It's a little bit tricky to kill them,' she said. And she forgot mentioning how hellish it would be… Damn it, Alex…"

Sophie leaned against the trunk and clamped his mouth as if feeling sick, panting and soaking in sweat. Her knees were trembling they barely supported her weight. "Oh, dear Sina… Did we do it?" she whispered as though she was afraid the titan would come back to life if she spoke louder. "Is it…really…dead?"

"Definitely." Gerard pointed the smoke rising from the carcass and thumped Emory really hard on the back. "Holy fucking shit, dude, you killed it off!"

"Because of your assist," said Emory, discarding his broken blades. "We would be done for without you."

The relief didn't last long because new predicaments had arisen. All of sudden, as if materializing out of thin air, there were a large numbers of titans approaching from various directions. Levi looked around quickly, at least twelve titans all thundering after them and outflanking them.

"Oh, no! Kenneth!" Sophie shrieked.

On the other side of the clearing, the first group of titans had forced their way through the forest, now swaying their hands for Kenneth, who looked like a small fly floating over their heads. Instead of retreating, he lunged himself forward and attacked the largest titans; either he was very confident with his abilities or very careless, Levi couldn't decide.

"Sophie! You cover for him!" Mike shouted, brandishing his blades. "Emory! Go for the ones on the right! Don't let a single titan get out of this forest!"

Emory swiftly soared into the forest, and without waiting for order, Gerard had glided away with Sophie. Levi gritted his teeth, making a mental note to grind some common sense into his subordinate's head later—that brat sure needed a few lessons about respecting superior.

The horde of titans stampeded past Levi, some small, some even taller than the trees. He wielded his blades through the chunks of flesh as easily as air. Deafening footsteps and roars started to cease as more and more titans successfully subverted: Mike and Nanaba had annihilated the big group on the far left with ease; Emory painstakingly managed to kill two titans because Levi had went on his berserk mode and slaughtered the whole horde by himself, and the last enemy was a 14-meter class titan, whom Gerard, Kenneth and Sophie were battling ferociously. Gerard made an opening by distracting the titan and injuring one of its eyes. With a great agility, Kenneth stabbed the other eye which causing the titan to roar and stomped around in agony with much more violent hostility. It opened its mouth, ready to chomped Kenneth, who hurled himself away just in time before being crushed between rows of colossal teeth. Sophie had been tailing him closely to provide aid, quickly took a chance from its temporary blindness and eventually slit the nape.

"I DID IT!" Sophie's squeal blared in the air over the loud thud. "My first kill as a scout!"

"SOPHIE YOU BITCH!" Kenneth bellowed, pointing his blade at her. "You sneaky bitch! That titan was my prey!"

Sophie landed on the ground beside him, looking more elated. "Where do all the honorifics go?"

"I refuse to acknowledge your noble blood!" Kenneth glowered at her. "No way in hell someone like you is a relative of The King! And don't you dare sneaking behind me again!"

"Oh my, I'm glad we're back on insulting term. I've missed to hear you calling me with that nickname," said Sophie gleefully, giggling at him and looking at the steaming corpse with a smug face. "All right then, that was my first kill assisted by Kenneth. Is that fair enough?"

Kenneth was beside himself. "You fucking insufferable—"

"Shut the hell up!" snapped Gerard, landing between them and pushing Kenneth back. "She just saved your life! Quit bitching about it and be grateful you're not in titan's stomach!"

Sophie stuck her tongue out at him from Gerard's back. Kenneth threw her a nasty look and sheathed his blades.

"Enough with the chitchat," said Nanaba loudly, hovering over their heads. "Stay alert and return to your post. You won't be able to squabble if you're dead here."

Levi perched on the branch near Mike, wiping off the titan's blood from his hands and surveying their surrounding. No movements from the forest. No sounds but swaying and rustling leaves. Everything seemed under control, for now.

"Is it over?" Levi asked.

Mike looked around and sniffed the air, his expression alarmed. "There are still a few more on the west, approaching, quite slow, but we better get out of here soon." He beckoned to his squad to follow him.

Drawing his blades as a precaution for sudden attack, Levi descended to the ground and rounded on Gerard. "You got some guts to act without my order," he said coldly.

Gerard gulped, clearly under the impression that Levi was going to behead him. "I'm sorry, sir, but those titans almost beaten up my friends! I just couldn't sit and wait—"

"That was a good call," Levi interrupted, "but don't engage and don't rush to anyone's defense until I say so. You won't be so lucky next time. Your recklessness could endanger your life and your friends' lives. You understand?"

"Yes, Captain, I'm terribly sorry," said Gerard, though he didn't look like regretting his action. "What now, sir?"

"Call the horses and we'll return to—" Levi paused, glancing around. "Where's Alex?"

"Alex, sir? Isn't she with you?"

"No, she went after you."

"No, she wasn't fighting with us," said Gerard, his voice quivering. "The last time I saw her was before we entered this forest."

Levi's heart sank. He looked at Gerard's horrorstruck face, realizing the horrifying possibility might just have occurred: She had disappeared during the fight.

"Captain, what should we do now?" Gerard asked, the dread in his voice was more pronounced.

"We split up and double-check the vicinity, now."

"A-And if we don't find her?"

Levi felt like molten steel was pouring down his throat as he said, "We'll leave. We don't have all day searching for her."

Gerard looked as though Levi just announced a death sentence for Alex. He hurriedly took off and vanished into the woods.

Levi soared into the air with fear and trepidation began to creep inside him. He was listening for the slightest sound of movement but his surrounding was dead calm like nothing had ever happened here. Where the hell did she go? Could she wander off somewhere because something caught her interest? He swore he would grind her to dust if she really did wander off for catching strange-colored butterflies or picking up wild flowers or observing a Deviant, which was such a fascination to her. He would beat her up for scaring him out of his wits. She could be anywhere, alive…or dead for all he knew, the latter was more likely. No. It couldn't be happening. But the disturbing image of her succumbing to lethal injuries kept dancing before his eyes; he tried to block it out as much as he could, but failed, and the unbidden voice inside his head kept saying she might be already dead, lying in the pool of her own blood somewhere on the ground, or hanging limply by the cord of her gear among the leaves, or maybe titans had torn her body apart there was nothing left of her behind. No. It couldn't be. She was too strong to die here, too formidable, too tough. If she could survive a few weeks outside the walls all by herself, dying on expedition would be a joke, would be impossible.

She must be alive. She couldn't die here. He believed in her and he wouldn't let her die here by all means.

Pushing the thoughts of her dying to the back of his mind, Levi looked wildly around for any trace of her existence. At last, he heard something swooshing at the far right. He abruptly changed his course, pursuing the feeble sound that he strongly believed was a noise from reeling wire. Breaking through dense foliages, he caught a glimpse of Alex whizzing into sight from the palisade of trees far ahead of him, looking oddly serene and unharmed.

A few heartbeats later, because his eyes had been momentarily glued on her he barely noticed anything but a soothing heat radiating from his chest, just as she alighted on a branch, a lopsided head with contorted smile lurked behind her with a stretched arm, ready to squeeze her.

A flush of adrenaline prickled his body. Levi was accelerating as fast as he could go, zooming toward her, his heart banging against his ribcage, nearly exploding, but he knew he was not going to make it. The distance between them was too great and the titan was swinging its colossal palm at her.

For a moment, everything seemed frozen: Alex just stood there and looked up to the sky, unaware of danger behind her. Something had taken away his breath as he realized her small figure would burst into red—

"ALEX! MOVE!" Levi yelled.

Then, the scene played again and there was a streak of darting green, a shriek of pain, and an earsplitting crack of toppling tree: Kenneth had hurtled toward her out of nowhere and kicked her off the branch with all his might, sending her flying across the air. Alex screamed and crashed into a tree then fell to the heavy shrubs a few meters below. The titan crushed the trunk where she had been only a second ago, now trying to seize Kenneth.

"You fucking creepy monster!" he shouted, flinging himself away from the massive fist.

Gerard joined the battle, severing the fingers reaching for Kenneth's leg.

"Don't you dare lay a hand on my friends! You asshole!" Gerard hollered.

Emory climbed his way up to the back of the neck but his attack was not deep enough. As the titan's attention turned to him, Kenneth swerved back and sliced the nape accurately. It fell backward and lay motionless. They quickly dispersed and looked for Alex.

"Alex! Where are you?!" said Gerard, searching through the bushes. "Are you okay?! Are you still alive?!"

Soft whimpering issued from the shrubs then Alex crawled out, curling up on the ground and clutching her ribs. "I'm alive…" she panted.

Gerard hoisted her to her feet. "God damn it, that asshole almost squashed you into a pulp…"

Emory swooped down to examine her. "Your leg is bleeding." He ripped the tip of his cloak and bandaged the wound on her thigh. "Are you injured somewhere else?"

"No… I'm…fine…" Alex leaned on Gerard's chest, still clutching the sides of her stomach and grimacing at Kenneth. "That…really hurts, you know…"

"You'd be dead by now if I didn't kick you," said Kenneth, looking overly complacent as if the fact that he finally landed a blow on Alex was more satisfying than the fact that she was still alive. "I kicked you! Damn! I finally did it!"

"Congratulation, your dream has come true," said Emory with an irritated sarcasm, checking Alex for another injuries. "You two should stop trying killing each other, we already got titans for that."

"I saved her ass," Kenneth retorted.

"Really? You tried to kill her as hard as that asshole did," Gerard accused, pulling Alex closer to his chest.

"What else could I've done?!" said Kenneth defensively, leering at Alex. "It was her fault, standing up there doing nothing like an idiot!"

"You could grabbed her cloak, pulling her away or something," said Emory. "She could have broken her neck from the fall—"

"Oi! Stop squabbling like kids!" Levi barked as he dropped near them. "Go back to your squad this instant and stay alert! We're not here for a picnic!"

Emory and Kenneth, who was grinning smugly, departed from the scene.

"I met Mike's Squad on the way and asked for help—" Gerard began.

"Call the horses, now."

Gerard scurried away, whistling loudly. Levi turned to Alex, who leaned against a tree trunk and looked down to her feet, rubbing her stomach. He was drowning in the throes of emotion—fury and shock mingled with numbing terror—that he didn't know what to do with her. He wanted to lash out at her, to headbutt her, to shove some common sense through her thick skull, to make her understand that she almost died because of her foolish actions. But those could wait until the expedition was over, and above all, he was relieved to see her still alive and breathing—nothing else mattered than that. He now found himself totally lost for words.

"You fucking annoying brat," was the first sentence that slipped out of his lips. "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said throatily, averting her eyes from him. "I'm fine… I'm still alive…"

"I can see that. Let's regroup with the main troops."

Gerard came back with three horses trotting behind him. Alex quickly mounted and pulled her hood up, her eyes staring at the horse's mane. A moment before her face obscure by the hood and her hair, Levi, though he was positive he was imagining it, caught a glimpse of tears sliding down her cheeks.

---

The sun was hanging low at the horizon when the procession arrived at the first designated point. Dieburg Fortress perched at the top of the wooded hillock, looking all shabby and dreary as ever, its high turrets stood tall against the deep vermillion sky. The new route was proven to be effective because the long day that almost felt like a decade ended without significant casualties: a few wounded soldiers with minor injuries, breaches in the front right flank, two Deviants nearly crush five logistics carts, several spare horses were lost after a horde of titans abruptly attacked the left flank, but no death casualties, yet—a miracle had occurred in the long and dark history of Survey Corps.

After unloading the supply carts and scouting the perimeter, soldiers gathered for dinner in the squalid main hall, chatting with relaxed demeanor while munching the rations. Recruits congregated noisily in the corner, exchanging their first experience and comparing the titans they had seen as though they were just school kids having a picnic, all tension from this morning vanished, for this moment, and probably the fact that they were still alive charged them with elation that overwhelmed the anxiety for tomorrow.

Hange Zoe, crunching her hardtack and still donning 3DM Gear, sped through hall and skidded to a halt in front of Levi.

"Can I take Alex with me?" she said eagerly, a maniacal grin split her face. "I'm gonna do observation in the northwest forest and I bet she'll be thrilled to assist—"

"She's injured," said Levi brusquely. "If you dare dragging her out without my permission, I'll rip your limbs."

Hange set off with her squad a quarter of an hour later, looking heavily disappointed.

Levi scanned the hall; Alex had not show up, no striking auburn hair was seen among his squad or the recruits. Could something serious happen to her? He remembered she was really pale and didn't speak much during the rest of the expedition. He took another hardtack and scurried out of the hall, finally found her in a small storeroom on the second floor. She was sitting alone in the corner table and pulling one leg up to her chest, resting her forehead on her knee, her hair veiling her face. A medical kit box was opened in front of her. She quickly wiped her face as he closed the door.

"Your dinner," he said, putting the hardtack on the table.

"Thank you, sir," she said politely, raising her head.

"Everything okay?"

"Only small cuts." She showed several nasty cuts on her hands. "But this needs some stitches."

Levi noticed the gash on her thigh had not stopped bleeding. She carefully removed the bloody bandages and pressed gauzes on it.

"What happened back there?" he asked, sitting beside her. "Where did you go during the fight?"

"I decided to check the surrounding area for more enemies, because, I was sure my comrades could handle that Deviant, and," —she paused as she pulled out tweezers, a pair of scissors and a roll of thread from the box— "I got a little bit carried away…"

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" he snapped, indignation swelled up inside him again. "Wandering off on expedition, do you not realize the consequence of your action?! Damn it! The only reason why I let your friends fought a fucking Deviant because I thought you were fighting with them! Your friends could have died! You could have died!"

"I realize I made a mistake," she said quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. "It won't happen again. I'm sorry, sir."

Saying sorry was not enough for redemption; moreover, she didn't look like she was sorry at all but Levi knew that there was really nothing else she could do and the details of her inattentiveness did not interest him. There was no use pressing on the subject further. Lashing out and venting his frustration on her wouldn't do anything useful either. He took a deep, calming breath, and instead of resuming his rant, he silently watched her mended her wound, grimacing and hissing in pain every time she pulled the thread through her flesh.

"But that last titan, it was weird for you to be ambushed like that. Why?"

"Why what, sir?"

"Why you didn't move? I know your speed. I know you could have dodged it."

"That titan came out of nowhere. I didn't make a right judgment. I thought that titan didn't chase me."

"You weren't aware that titan was after you?" said Levi skeptically. "That monster was a few meters behind you. There's no way in hell you didn't hear it was coming. Why you didn't move?"

"I was—" she paused again, concentrating on pricking her skin with needle. "I was out of luck, I guess. And I wasn't paying attention at that time and the next thing I knew, I hit a tree."

She went on with her clarification but Levi didn't buy every single thing she said. Something was off, he thought. He knew exactly what she capable to do. Just a month ago, even in a pitch-dark forest, she had pinpointed Deviants' location with an unerring sense of hearing and easily cut them to pieces, not to mention her ability to read the nature was so uncanny it almost felt supernatural. What had changed now?

Something was not right.

"Stop making excuses," Levi warned, and Alex stopped talking. "If you're still trying to lie to me, then stop, you already fail miserably."

Alex glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. "I'm not lying."

"Then give me one sensible excuse why you didn't move."

"I made a mistake," she said desperately. "I know you have a high expectation of me but I can't always do everything right. I'm not perfect. I screwed up this time and after all… I'm still alive…"

Her voice tailed off weakly and Levi could not hear the rest of what she said. She looked angry and crestfallen for some reason. He leaned back to his chair, realizing he had gone too far. He had become so used to her battle prowess that he almost forgotten that she was still a mere greenhorn, just like any other recruits. Maybe he did regard her too highly.

"Don't make a blunder like that again. That's an order," he said with much more indifferent tone. "I don't even want to imagine what kind of disgusting beast that had caught your attention but don't get yourself killed because of that. If you hadn't move, you would certainly die. I thought you were trying to kill yourself."

The last sentence was actually a joke. He was half hoping that she would giggle, or say he was being very ridiculous, or tell him a joke about death was pretty lame, or criticize his sense of humor again. But Alex didn't say a word and focused her eyes on her wound, which bleeding had significantly subsided. Levi stood up and walked to the door. He stopped before reaching the doorknob as the time he found her swishing pleasantly through the forest came back to his mind: He remembered she didn't even load her blades. He remembered she had come out of the same location as the titan. He remembered she had holstered her handgrips shortly after she landed on the branch. He turned around and stared at her. Now that he was much more coolheaded to recount the sequence of events very clearly, he remembered, the titan had emerged immediately after her as though it was following her, or, to his great puzzlement, she was leading it to follow her.

"Were you really trying to kill yourself?" he asked.

Alex didn't deny nor affirm, acting as if Levi was invisible. The only noise in that room was clicking tweezers.

"Answer me," Levi demanded.

"I don't want to answer that," she said in a low voice without looking at him. "Your question is weird."

Surely if the answer was no, she could say it right away. The more he followed his logic, the more he became stunned by his own deduction.

"You were trying to kill yourself," he concluded after taking her reluctance into a consideration as a 'yes'. "You didn't move because at that time you were ready to die."

Her hands froze in midair for a moment before digging into her skin again for the last stitch. "Why are you so sure about that?"

"Because suddenly everything makes sense. Normal people will shit their pants, running for their lives once a titan is in sight. But you never run away, not because you're brave. You're fearless because you don't have a reason to be afraid of them. And the only possible explanation is, you're not afraid of titans because you're not afraid of death, aren't you?"

Alex cut the thread with a pair of scissors and covered her wound with new bandage. "Just because the majority of people are afraid of death, doesn't mean I have to be like them," she said conversationally.

Levi strode back to the table, standing across her as another realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Do you join Survey Corps to die?" he said, wholeheartedly hoping she would say no.

For the first time since he set a foot inside the room, Alex looked up and met his eyes; an impressed smile curved her lips. "How very surprising, you've got a great observational skill despite your aloofness, and here I thought you were ignorant about what happened to people around you."

He took it as another 'yes' and his uneasiness got the better of him.

"Why do you want to die?"

"Why do you want to know? Does it matter to you if I want to die?"

"Of course it matters!" he burst out before he could think about it.

Alex frowned. "Why?"

Why indeed? Hell if he knew. He couldn't compose a reasonable answer, but the thoughts of death had been haunting him since the day when his dearest ones had been taken away from him. He hated it. He didn't want to repeat the tragedy of letting someone else die. He loathed the way soldiers always met their ends in a blink of an eye. No one should have to die that fast.

Now someone he was responsible for was striving after death for some unknown reason, while everybody else was pulling out all the stops just to see the walls once again, and he was unsure how to cope with that absurdity. Someone like her, who had the highest rate of survival, wanted to die… What a meaningless death. He couldn't accept that. Her eagerness to embrace death made something in his chest ached, but why? Why do the thoughts of her dying distress him like this? She was his subordinate, so it was appropriate to care about her, wasn't it?

"It doesn't matter to you," Alex said when Levi lost in his thoughts and had fallen silent. "I don't matter to anyone here. My death won't make any difference but another name of dying soldier in Survey Corps history."

"No, you matter to—" Levi gritted his teeth, feeling his chest strangely aching more painfully than before. "You matter to your friends. You were wrong when you said no one would ask for your corpse. You should see that blondie sobbing and mourning for you when she thought you were dead."

Alex looked at the first-aid box and tapped her chin. "Yes, I was wrong about that, but it was not really that surprising. Sophie's always so weepy and nosy, a bit arrogant sometimes but maybe that's what happens when you're the only child of an Earl."

"But still they care for you. They even risked their lives to save you."

"Oh, Emory and Gerard are always on good terms with me, no wonder they rushed to my aid, though I don't know why Kenneth also acted like that. Now that's rather surprising. He's always very unfriendly to me. I don't know whether he was really trying to save me or to knock me out, but I bet he's very disappointed that my neck is still intact." Alex shook her head and sighed. "What a bunch of troublesome people…"

"After all that they'd done to you, you don't even consider them as your friends?" said Levi in disbelief.

"Just because I work together with them doesn't mean we're friends," said Alex with a hint of annoyance. "And besides, I never ask them to care for me. I should have died by now if it wasn't because of their meddling."

"Why do you want to die?" asked Levi again, this time he failed to conceal the frustration in his voice. "What will you achieve with death?"

"Will you please stop badgering me, sir?" she said coolly, her voice devoid of its usual politeness. "You make me uncomfortable."

"Is that a cry for attention?"

"Please stop that."

"A false act of bravery? Are you really that desperate to make your life means something for humanity?"

She looked down at her lap and covered her face with her hands, her shoulders trembling. Levi thought she was crying again. How startled he was when Alex threw back her head and roared with laughter, so hard she almost fell over. It was not the delighted giggle when she teased someone or when she spotted interesting animals and plants that he found borderline annoying. It was a laugh harder than anything he ever heard from her before; mad and mirthless laughter reverberated in the room, out of control, so creepy and disturbing that it sent a cold down his spine. She looked quite demented and seemed had transformed into a complete different person. He backed away from the table on impulse; for a fleeting moment, he was almost afraid of her.

"You really—can make—a joke!" she shrieked between her guffawing, thumping her fist on the table.

"What the hell?!" said Levi loudly but his voice was drowned by her cackles. "Are you possessed or what?!"

"Sorry—I can't—that's—" she wiped the tears from her eyes "—very funny!"

Levi couldn't fathom what was so funny for her. For a minute or so, she kept laughing until it became soundless and eventually died out, but he still could hear it echoing in the room as if her laughter had permanently lingered on the brick walls. Alex was silent for a few seconds as she stared at the wall, seemed to watch something only she could see. But whatever she was seeing, it brought a pained expression on her face. She pushed her hair out of her face then rummaged the medical kit and continued tending her wounds as if nothing had happened.

"If I want to die, I'll do it for myself," she said matter-of-factly, uncorking alcohol bottle and dabbing the scratches on her hands with cotton. "Neither for humanity nor anything. Just for myself. And what is humanity anyway? Why is everything always about it? Humanity this, humanity that. I've heard enough pep talks about humanity for a lifetime I hardly recognize it as a word anymore. Everyone seems very obsessed with it. Is it a plague? Clouding everyone's head with obsession to sacrifice everything they have in the name of humanity? Thank goodness I didn't catch it."

Though she was speaking with the usual courtesy, there was a cold bitterness in every word she uttered.

"You fucking liar," Levi scoffed, trying to keep his voice indifferent. "You want to die for yourself? I've never heard anything more ridiculous than that. Why are you even here? Why bother joining Survey Corps? Why do you want to die as a soldier if you never care about humanity?"

"I'm not lying," said Alex firmly. "To be honest with you, I was planning to die on my first expedition but I failed because of you."

Levi squinted his eyes at her. "What do you mean 'because of me'?"

"Well, that's obvious. You almost died so I had to save you."

"Is that the reason? The real reason why you saved me?"

"Yes. I was there when you fell from that cliff." Alex leaned back and smirked. "I could help. I could save you. Even if I failed, it didn't matter what would happen to me. I could hit a rock at the bottom or drown and eventually died, for all I care. But…to be more precise…" She twiddled her hair and stared at his eyes again as if she was examining a very interesting object. "It was because I don't want you to die. I must save you at all cost, The Humanity's Strongest Soldier, or whatever sort of epic names people calling you these days."

"Your point?"

"Unlike me, your life has more value to humanity than mine."

The silence between them seemed to make the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees. Levi stared at her without blinking. It took a while for the meaning of her statement to finally sink in.

"Your life has more meaning than a hundred likes of me combined. People need you, some even think of you as a saint who can save humanity," she explained, seeming to notice his confusion. "I honestly think someone so valuable like you shouldn't die too fast. I want to die, but if my death will cause someone else's demise, then I think I can wait for another moment when I can die alone."

"Your life has less value than mine, is that it?!" said Levi hotly. "You think your life has no value so you decide to die?!"

"My life is cheap, worthless I must say. There's no point for keep holding on such a useless thing," she said with an air of nonchalance, still carefully wiping her wounds. "And besides, it doesn't matter what role you have in society, what kind of relationships you have with other people, your wealth, fame, influence, authority, and many other worldly things that keep your life exciting. Everything you have will be meaningless once you die." She tossed away the bloody gauzes and cottons. "When you die, you're nothing more than a lifeless lump of flesh in the background. Alone and forgotten."

And suddenly, Levi was having difficulty to get enough air for his lungs. The room felt airless because solid ice had replaced the air. Every intake of breath was freezing coldness, shredding his lungs. Why now of all time, he remembered the day when they were gone? The day when they died, lying lifelessly on the ground, alone, and forgotten… No, they were not forgotten. He would never ever forget them.

"You… You don't see any worth in anyone's lives?" he asked with strained voice; the pain in the back of his throat made it even harder for him to breathe. "You don't even value other people as human beings?"

"Well, not every living being has a value. Sure, there are important people with great value, someone like you for example, The King, or the ministers in parliament, but most people are just a waste of air and space. Whether they live or die don't matter. Anyone with less value or bring no difference to this world should not live to begin with."

What she was saying was hardly comprehensible anymore. All these revelations about her motives made Levi very taken aback. In his bewilderment, his logic managed to connect all the dots between what she had said and what she had done. Everything made sense. She had rescued him without regard for herself. Everything she had done was nothing but recklessness stemmed from her suicidal tendency. Everything he knew about her, everything he thought he knew about her was a lie. A façade so convincing it had fooled him completely. He couldn't recognize the girl sitting across him. She was a different person he never met before. Behind the mask of what he had considered as a loyal and dedicated soldier, her true colors finally showed through, revealing a stranger with misanthropic view on humanity. Why she harbored such resentment against humanity, Levi had no idea, but it explained her stubborn questioning about Survey Corps, about the reason why all the soldiers—including himself—fighting for humanity. She was always with him almost every day, why he had failed to notice this sooner?

"Basically, your value determines your life," she went on, cleaning up the table and closing the medical kit box. "If someone or something depreciates your value then you are already worthless. Everything has a substitute. Everyone is replaceable. The Commander retired? Someone will ascend. The soldiers died? There are always new recruits to replace them. I begin to think that soldiers are disposable toys in this battle."

A shard of glass seemed to pierce his heart.

"No, they are not replaceable," said Levi hoarsely. His own voice felt like tearing his throat apart. "They have no substitute. They are human beings, God damn it!" He slammed both of his hands down the table. "Their lives have value!"

"They were human beings," Alex corrected with an airy wave of hand. "And value is not for everyone, take example from mine. If I die, you'll get a new subordinate. I think I already said this to you: There are always new cadets every year, so many replacements for me."

"God damn it, stop! Stop it! Stop talking!"

"Nothing last forever and people die as a part of natural process," she continued, heedless of his plea. "All people will die in the end, right? We live because we owe death. It won't make much difference how or when people die —"

Levi didn't know what she said after that. His mind jumbled. Everything went blurred and dissolved into a whirl of darkness. The images that he dreaded were flashing before his eyes and he suddenly found himself standing in the familiar scene again: it was raining, dark sky roaring above his head, horrified scream blaring in the air, gigantic figures lurking from the thick fog, a red head in the mud, mangled body, blood, entrails, hollow eyes staring at him… It was like succumbing to a painful nightmare. A stab of anger and grief overwhelmed him. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping everything would go away. As soon as he opened his eyes, the room had re-formed around him. The table had been thrown aside. He was clenching his fists so tight he felt both of his hands were numb. Alex lay facedown near his feet, coughing and spitting blood to the floor.

"C-Captain—" she gasped and tilted her head, blood streaming from her nose and cracked lips. "W-what—are—you—?"

Levi looked down at her. His rage at her broke over him like burning lava, searing every other feeling he previously had for her. His worries and concerns about her safety were burned to ashes. What he had left inside him were revulsion and unrelenting compulsion to punch every inch of her he could reach. Hell, he even felt disgusted with himself for ever feeling sorry for her. Levi yanked her collar and pulled her up until their eyes met. Before she could catch her breath, he pinned her against the wall by the throat and screamed at the top of his voice.

"IF YOU WON'T STOP BULLSHITTING I SWEAR I'LL SEND YOU TO HELL WITH MY BARE HANDS!"

"But—s-sir—what did I—d-do wrong—?" she spluttered, her lips trembling. For the first time her voice shaking with fear.

"I already told you, didn't I?" said Levi menacingly, pushing his arm further against her throat. "I'll beat the living shit of anyone who dares besmirching the fallen soldiers!"

Alex choked, writhing in her attempt to free herself. "I don't speak bad of the dead!" she panted. "I'm just stating the truth!"

"How could you say their lives mean nothing?!" Levi shouted. "That their lives have no value?! How dare you! Why can't you understand their sacrifices for others?! Why can't you even think the value of your own life?! Damn it, do you even realize how many soldiers want to be like you?! How could you throw away your life that easily?!"

"B-But, w-w-what else do you e-expect me to s-say?" she said weakly, her eyes widened in confusion. "Everybody dies. Death is inevitable. Death that serves no purpose or benefit whatsoever has no value. People no longer useful if they lose their values. New recruits are here to fill the empty slots. Soldiers shouldn't aspire to be like me, my life is worthless so I want to die. Please tell me, which one did I say wrong?"

Utterly flummoxed, Levi reached the point when rage had overtaken his head and inhibited his ability to speak coherently for a moment. Alex seized the opportunity to slightly loose the stranglehold at her neck, steadying her breath. She looked deeply into his eyes and the fear vanished from her face.

"Are you assaulting me because I said the truth?" she asked calmly.

"No! I'll kill you right here and right now because you don't regard other people as human beings!" Levi tightened his hold and she choked again. "You sick son of a bitch! Why can't you act like a human for one goddamn second?! Those soldiers sacrificed their lives and you think of them like a trash?!"

"You can't deny that I said the truth, can you? Why are you so angry about it? The truth is too harsh on you, perhaps?" she said, almost derisively. "Reality is never kind. Life is never fair. Maybe averting your eyes from what really happened makes it less painful, but it doesn't change the truth. The fact that it is true will never change."

"YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG!" he roared so loudly that he felt his throat might bleed. "Their lives matter! Their sacrifices matter! Even if they died before reaching their goals, that's not an excuse for you to belittle their existences!"

"And now you're just making justifications of their fruitless efforts," she said even more calmly.

Levi lowered his gaze, avoiding the soulless stare of her hazels. He couldn't bear to meet her eyes. Words were not enough to explain how he felt right now. Too many feelings. Too many thoughts. He didn't want to feel. He didn't want to think about it. He couldn't stand it. What she had pointed out were facts, truths, but acknowledging them caused him unbearable pain… He had seen soldiers dying, over and over again. He had seen them dying for trying to get a better life, for believing they could leave the darkness and start anew on the surface. It was all in vain. He sure as hell was aware of that fact. But still…saying that their lives had no value, that they were disposable, a waste of air and space, it hurt him to his very soul.

"Do you think people who died for believing in their hopes and dreams are worthless?" he said, a prick of sorrow mingled with the blazing white-hot wrath inside him. "People are not just flesh and blood, not just lifeless lump of flesh and spilled blood in the background. They are human beings. They have names. They have family. They have a life. They have another people who love them, who care for them. All the lives have a meaning, even after their deaths."

"Lucky for them to have such a good life, family, home, and everything, but in the end of the day, those are not even matter if they die," she said flatly; her glassy eyes registered no emotion whatsoever. "Some people claim they die for a greater good, some for protecting the ones they love or for the sake of others, but mostly people die for nothing. Even Commander Erwin said so in the last meeting. Our previous expedition failed which means the soldiers died for nothing. What made you think the other way around?"

"Just because they failed and died, doesn't mean their lives were entirely worthless!" Levi yelled, glaring at her.

"Are you distorting the truth so you could feel a sense of consolation in your grief?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Sure, whatever you need to help you fall asleep tonight. Ignorance is the sweetest bliss, right?"

"They fight for what they believe in! They fight their dreams! For a hope! For a better life! They even offer their hearts for the sake of humanity! Don't you dare taking their courage and sacrifices for granted!"

"And we're back to humanity pep talks again. Fascinating." Alex rolled her eyes. "I have more important things to do than hearing your speech about how precious humanity is, but speaking about courage…those soldiers are not mentally ill, are they? They perfectly know deaths await them once they step outside the walls. If they're so afraid of deaths they should have stayed at their houses. Safe and sound." She wiped the blood with the back of her hand, her lips curled into a thin smile. "That's a common knowledge that even a knee would know."

"What are you?" he whispered, almost nose to nose with her. "You don't value your life, you don't value other's lives as human beings. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me, it's just this world that's too twisted," Alex said with a shrug. "You hate pointless death, right? I simply hate pointless life. Where is the value in that?"

Levi felt a whirlwind of intense emotions inside him had filled his heart with a brutal urge to hurt Alex in the most excruciating way possible. "You really can't wait to die?" he said tonelessly. "Let me help you then."

Without thinking, without considering the consequences of his proceeding, without caring that she was his subordinate he supposed to look after, Levi wrapped his hands around her neck and squeezed it.

"Captain—!" Alex gasped, gripping his wrists.

"You can't breath, can you?" Levi hissed in front of her face. "Just wait for it. It won't be too long from now."

She was attempting vainly to free herself, kicking his leg, punching any part of him she could reach, scratching his hands and fingers, but the lack of air had left her powerless. Levi grinned; the more she struggled, the more it satisfied him.

"If you really want to die, why are you still resisting me?!" Levi screamed. "You want to live, don't you?! Because it's human nature to STAY ALIVE!"

Almost there. Her face turned from deep red to purple, her eyes bulging… Her grips began to weaken. Her feet stood limply. It was almost there…

Just kill this contemptible bastard who didn't value human lives.

Suddenly, the door creaked open and someone walked in. "I thought I heard noises from here—"

Levi turned his head and saw Erwin freezing in the doorway looking at him with horrified expression that rarely crossed his calm face.

"What do you think you're doing?!" he yelled. "Let her go!"

Erwin's voice sounded as if it came from somewhere so far away but it brought Levi back to his senses. Suppressing his bloodlust, Levi released her and retreated to the opposite corner of the room, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. He wanted to be as far from her as he could get. Alex slid down the wall into kneeling position, panting and whimpering.

"Are you okay?" said Erwin, crouching down beside her and trying to help her to stand up.

"Don't touch me!" she croaked, slapping his hand and crawling away.

Erwin quickly stood up. "What happened?" he said, aghast, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Neither answered him. Alex reached the edge of the table for support, massaging her throat and gasping for air. Levi turned his back on Erwin and slammed his fist to the nearest crate; its lid was snapped into two.

"For God's sake, what just happened here?!" said Erwin, now sounding very mad.

Levi whipped around, pointing a shaking finger at Alex. "YOU!" he shouted, advancing upon her with clenched fists. "I despise you! You fucking disgusting, despicable, good for nothing blight on the face of humankind! JUST FUCKING DIE TOMORROW!"

Alex staggered away from him until she hit the wall behind her. Levi would jump at her and finish her once and for all only if Erwin was not standing between them and holding him back. After darting her the most disdainful look he could muster, Levi finally backed away.

"Is that an order?" Alex said with such admirable calmness after experiencing attempted murder. "Very well, I'll gladly carry it out, sir."

She saluted then dashed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Erwin stared at Levi with perplexed looks on his face.

"Explain yourself, now," Erwin commanded

Erwin was evidently downright furious, but Levi didn't care what punishments he would get for assaulting his subordinate; she fucking deserved it and he deserved a gold medal for trying to get rid of the enemy of humanity. Levi averted his eyes from Erwin and rubbed his forehead, breathing heavily as though he just ran for miles. He looked at the back of his hand, the scratches from where her nails had dug deeply into his skin started to bleed profusely, and he thought how satisfying it would be if he could crush her windpipe with his hands.

---

Author's Note 12/28/15: The super late Christmas present for my readers! I finished in one go and didn't have time to edit this. Sorry...

I don't create OCs for the sake of canon characters hooking up with my OCs or for some kind of wish fulfillments. That will be boring and predictable. I'm experimenting in creating real people, with flaws and virtues, with the good, the bad, and the ugly sides, and I gotta say Alex is the most complex character I've created so far. Hmm. I'm not sure if I can pull the romance arc off in satisfying way, but I promise the romance will have an impact to the plot. Honestly, romance is not my cup of tea, but I do love reading romance story with heavy plot, angst, tragedies, heart-wrenching moments, dark emotions, and ocean of tears; those are what you probably will find in this fanfiction. Mind you my favorite novel of all time is Wuthering Heights. You've been warned, people.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoy writing it :)