Disclaimer: Send help.

AN/ So... in a previous chapter, I included the mention of Fiddleford, Ford, and Stan all in Gravity Falls at the same time. In light of recent revelations, we know this is inaccurate. Therefor, I call upon my magical fanfiction powers to decree that this is an AU wherein Ford and Stan repair their relationship and go to Gravity Falls together. Huzzah! ALSO, I see I hit 100 Favorites on this story. To that I say: "Holy fuck, and thank alls y'alls so much." That's amazing.

/wat

"... Boy-Who-Lived or not, it stands that Potter is spreading propaganda through the school. He has instituted a cult, Headmaster. He's charging people their soul to join. I'm fairly certain that there's a clause somewhere that forbids such a thing," Snape rambled.

Dumbledore, who had been meticulously sorting colorful hard candies on his desk, looked up for the first time since Snape entered his office. "Severus, if I may ask, why bring Christmas into this?" the old headmaster inquired, looking genuinely concerned.

Genuinely concerned about what, Snape hadn't an inkling. It showed. "Ch-Christmas, sir?" parroted Snape.

"Well, you mentioned a Claus, so..." Dumbledore trailed off and sort of gestured with one hand, trying to communicate his train of thought without words.

It didn't work, so Snape just went right along. "Headmaster, all I'm trying to say is that Mr. Potter shouldn't be exempt from disciplinary action," Snape concluded. "I have him serving a detention with Mr. Longbottom after supper this evening, but I've done a little snooping and apparently his propaganda has seeped further than the dungeons. I caught a group of students painting an Illuminati triangle on the common room wall, and it's only been a day."

Dumbledore chuckled, but Snape could see that he'd finally reached him. "This does sound serious. It seems that Mr. Potter's detention was rightly served. However, I shall contact his guardian about this. Thank you for bring this to my attention, Severus," hummed Dumbledore.

Satisfied, Snape bowed his head and made for the door.

"Oh, and Severus?"

Snape paused, hand over the doorknob. "Yes, sir?" he prompted.

With a sweet smile, Dumbledore said, "In the future, I think it would be best if you keep Christmas out of school business."

Snape still had no idea what Dumbledore meant, but nodded anyway.

Dumbledore sat with his hands folded neatly on the tabletop, a report of Harry's propaganda-spreading, cult-instituting activities on his left, and a half-empty butterbeer on his right. Madam Rosemerta stopped by and asked if he wanted any greasy, fried food, but the headmaster politely declined.

Ten years ago, Lily and James Potter had been found dead in their home, their son nowhere to be found. Dumbledore had torn the Earth apart looking for him, alas, to no avail. It went without saying that the old man was anxious to see who'd been feeding the magical world's savior all these years. He knew his name was 'Bill Cipher', but as far as an address, occupation, or anything, Dumbledore hadn't a clue.

A few minutes later, Bill still hadn't shown. Their appointment was for twelve twenty-five. The idea was that they'd share lunch and discuss what to do with Harry. Currently, it was one o'clock and Dumbledore was still alone in the Three Broomsticks. The old man heaved a sigh, and was about ready to give up when it appeared Harry's guardian arrived.

Bill Cipher wasn't particularly tall or short, but very pale with fair hair parted to one side and falling over an eye. Dumbledore took note of the man's stylish sense of dress – a black suit, yellow vest and bowtie. He also sported a cane and top hat.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Albus Dumbledore! Sorry I'm late. I was a little... busy," he said, removing his hat and sitting across from Dumbledore. He placed a sack of something on the table. It stank horribly – like rotten fruit and rotten meat all at once – and appeared to be leaking something.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and smiled. "Yes, that is correct. It's good to finally make your acquaintance, Mr. Cipher."

Bill smiled wide. Too wide. "I would wish that the feeling was mutual, but we all know what happens to people who make wishes."

Up close, Dumbledore noticed how unnerving his eyes were. One was golden, while the one mostly covered by his hair seemed to have been blinded. "Mr. Cipher," Dumbledore said, electing not to let the eyes get to him. "You are Harry Potter's guardian?"

"Oh, I'm lots of things," Bill Cipher responded airily. "I suppose some might say I'm the kid's guardian. It varies, from person to person, entity to entity. You know how it is. Takes all kinds, I guess."

Entity to entity? Dumbledore didn't comment on that, instead opting to get straight to the point. Something was wrong with this man. "Now, Mr. Cipher, I'm sure that my now it's reached your ears that Harry has made a bit of a splash. Of course, by 'a bit of a splash', I mean causing the institution of a fifth House and effectively making Hogwarts history," Dumbledore began. Mr. Cipher just nodded. "It seems, however, that he's having other students join his House with promises of wealth and power. One of our professors described it as a cult. He's charging students their souls, blood, and virginity to join."

At this, Bill broke out into booming bouts of laughter. Dumbledore watched with a patient smile. Everyone else in the Three Broomsticks looked on in either confusion, interest, or irritation, but their gazes weren't enough to make Bill settle down. Eventually, he got himself under control.

"Ah, Kid. He's such a showy guy, y'know? Blood and virginity? What's this, a soap opera?" snickered Bill.

"Aren't you at all concerned, Mr. Cipher?" Dumbledore asked directly.

Bill shrugged. "Concerned? Why should I be concerned? If anything, I'm amused. Blood and virginity... Ah, I'm telling that one to those meddling twins. Anyways," Bill said, standing, "I think this meeting has been a spectacular waste of time. Hey, tell Kid I wished him good luck with his first meeting tonight."

Dumbledore blinked. "Of course," he said, though in reality he was extremely befuddled.

"Good day to you, Headmaster. And remember-" He stopped only to pick up the smelly, oozing sack. "-realityisanillusiontheuniverseisahologrambuygoldBYE!"

Bill Cipher spun on his heel and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Rather unconventional apparating, but Bill Cipher wasn't a terribly conventional man.

Then, quite suddenly, Dumbledore's mind registered something he had said.

"Hey, tell Kid I wished him good luck with his first meeting tonight."

Dumbledore had to stop this.