Dog Days of Summer

Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious

A/N:

Chapter 11 (Blameless Stranger)

"Come on, eat something." Trina was urging Tori to do something, and had been for the last hour. She was lying beside the dog bowl Trina got for her and was staring blankly at it. Her mind was still on the recent realization she had on the car ride back, and now she was beginning to feel like she'd be better off remaining as a dog. Or at least no one else would mind.

"I'm not hungry." She rolled her head to the right and gazed mournfully at the door. "I've learned my lesson, why can't I change back? Maybe that's not the idea, but whatever…" The air around her seemed too thin for her to breathe. "Trina's fine without me, mom and dad are okay, and I don't have to be around to spread more of their intimate lives."

"Grandpa, I'm worried about something here!" Tori lifted her head slowly, watching as Clarence entered the kitchen. Trina moved her hands towards her waist and frowned at the man. "Cleo won't eat. She won't even move-seems like she's depressed about something. Dr. Williams didn't find anything wrong with her at the checkup, so I don't think she's come down with anything."

"Strange." Clarence rubbed his chin and crouched beside Tori. He extended his hand and set it gently on her neck. "What's the matter, pup?" Tori sighed heavily and closed her eyes. "I don't know. It could be possible she misses an owner, but nobody's responded to the 'found dog' information we've put out."

"I still don't think the dogs belong to anyone."

"Nope," Tori remarked under her breath. "Nobody that will miss me, I think." She was tired of being fussed over, so she stood up and quietly left the room. Beck and Jade were seated together on the couch, both watching her in silence. "You know. Don't take this the wrong way, but part of me wishes I never met you guys." Jade raised an eyebrow and Beck moved his head back.

"Why?" He asked. "What did we do?"

"Nothing, I just-I don't know. I'm looking for someone or something to blame that isn't myself. I feel like I wrecked my family." She walked past the couch, still feeling a preference for being alone.

She came to a door that was slightly ajar. Tori nudged it open with her nose and sighed when she saw Shadow sitting on a cushion in the room. "Hey Shadow, I wasn't expecting you." Shadow looked at her with concern and stepped off his cushion.

"Are you alright? You don't sound well. I trust the trip to the vet wasn't so bad?"

"It wasn't. I'm just thinking about stuff." She sat down in front of him and tapped the ground with her tail. "I blame myself for my family being a mess."

"Why?"

"Because I told people stuff that wasn't their business. I told everyone about mom's affairs, about how dad might have a drink every once in a while, and then I made everyone think my sister-or all my relatives were crazy. I went off the deep end because I got a taste of stardom. I blame myself…"

"You're only responsible for your own actions." He pushed his paws forward, stretching his back and grunting. Tori frowned as he stood upright and flashed a smile. "You are not at fault for the actions of another. If your mother isn't loyal to her husband, it's her issue to deal with, for one thing. You cannot blame yourself, that is not your fault."

"Then why do I feel like shit? I feel like I wrecked my family, like I tore them apart. I feel like I'm the reason Trina doesn't live with us anymore."

"Strange. It seems to me that the primary reason for her living here is due to her wish to help her grandfather with the farm. Are you certain you are not being too hard on yourself?"

"Maybe." It was likely she was overthinking the issue at hand, especially since Trina didn't seem all that troubled by her antics. "But it's true that I've lacked the care and concern that I should have had towards my family."

"Then do you think it should be up to you to fix that?"

"How can I? It's far too late. Even if I wasn't a dog, none of my friends or my relatives would be willing to believe I was being sincere about a change." She dipped her head and slanted her eyes as Shadow studied her.

"What are you afraid of?" She raised an eyebrow and parted her lips. How could she be afraid of anything? "Are you worried they won't think you are sincere, or are you worried you don't believe you can be genuine?"

Her heart fluttered and sent a heavy feeling drifting through her veins. Her body grew as tense as the air around her, and she choked in her attempt to breathe. "I…don't know." With a pause, Tori felt a drop of water in her eyes. "I'm sure I can be genuine, but a part of me just wants everyone to be willing to give me that chance."

Shadow tilted his head to the side and closed his eyes. "I see." He breathed in slowly and curled his eyelids up halfway. "Is it like giving a gift and expecting something in return?" She leaned her head back and hesitated to reply. "To do a deed expecting something in return implies a shallowness in one's heart. Whereas showing grace without expecting the same shows a clearer image and depth to a person. Perhaps instead of wishing your friends and family could see you as a better person, you should be better and let them see it without wanting them to."

"I don't think I understand." What she didn't get was how she could possibly show a level of sincerity without wanting them to see her as such.

"Understand that to gain respect, someone must earn it and not demand it. Respect is a privilege, not a right, as nobody has a right to somebody's opinion of them. To gain somebody's trust and respect, you have to show that you're worthy of it."

She stared down at her paws, humming to herself as his words wrapped around her brain. "I think I get it." Her worry was that they'd be too closed for it. Cat seemed especially cynical, so there was no doubt in Tori's mind that the girl might be the toughest to win over. At the same time, Shadow seemed to be saying that it was not about winning someone over, but doing something for no reason at all. "What if it's too late? What if things are already to the point that they don't want to give me a chance?"

"That is their right. If someone closes themselves to you, there is nothing you can do. In regards to your parents or your sister, they may be the ones that will always be most willing to see you grow into that better person you want to be."

"How then do I show them?"

"Act with selflessness. Don't do things with the thought that you want someone to see and validate any sort of goodness within yourself, do something for the sake of being selfless."

So the trick was to not think of herself. It seemed easy enough, but at the same time, it felt like it could truly be the most difficult thing she'd ever do in her life. "I've spent so long thinking about myself. What if it's too late?"

Shadow walked past her with a chuckle and turned his nose to a low ironing table resting about two feet above her head. "I'm old, and arthritis riddles my body." He sat on his hind quarters and glanced back to her. Tori walked up beside him, studying the table with a curious gaze. "I could debate whether or not it's too late for me to learn how to jump over that table-I guarantee Ares could make that jump."

"When you were younger, you could make that jump too."

"This is true. If I had Ares's youth and mobility, I could do it. At the same time, I could do it even now." She stared inquisitively at him before looking over to the table. "With enough practice and willpower, I could make that jump after some amount of trying. Would I fail the first time? Without a doubt. The second time? Probably, but the third time is more likely that I would make it. Why?"

"Persistence?"

"There is that, but also because I learn from the first two failures. Study what I did that was wrong, and try again but with a different view." He tapped his nails on the floor and cleared his throat. "Guarantee you though, if I sat on my haunches, dwelling on the thought that I could never make the jump-I would indeed not make it."

"Not for lack of trying, but because you don't believe in yourself?"

"Precisely. In order to succeed you first have to try, then fail and not give up. Also be aware of what limits and restraints you have." Shadow walked towards the table and stood up, placing his paws on the surface. "As I used this clearly as an analogy, we should speak with more realistic capability. With my arthritis, trying to jump over this would result in serious injury to myself. To the point that I may very well wind up breaking something before actually succeeding to jump over the table and land on all paws."

"Yeah, I…" She took a deep breath and moved over, setting her paws on the metal leg and studying it. "I think I get what you're saying."

"You want to be human again, and you're afraid of staying in that form. I guarantee you if you continue to dwell on the form you're in now and do nothing, you will most assuredly remain as you are." She turned her head towards him and frowned.

"But I don't know what to do." She bowed her head and slowly closed her eyes. "Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me around anyway. I let all the attention get to my head and started stepping on people that I wouldn't have wanted to in the first place."

"In time you'll know what you have to do. I don't think anyone can give you a proper answer for that besides yourself." He sighed once and pulled away from the table. As he walked, Tori moved up alongside him into the nearby hallway. "As for whether or not people would be better off, you do not know how one thinks and feels."

"Tell me about it. That's what got me in this situation in the first place!"

"Right…but you see, to assume anyone would be better off is you putting a thought in their head or words in their mouth that doesn't yet exist, right? Has anyone told you they feel they'd be better without?"

"Well no, but…I know what I heard Andre tell Trina, that he thinks she ought to cut ties from us. She doesn't want to, but-" She turned her head down, struggling against the steady rise in her heart's pounding.

"Tell me, whose opinion do you value more? Your friend's or your sister's? Better still it is a question of friend's belief versus family."

It was a question that required little time for an answer. "Family." Family was one that would always be around. She knew friends were only temporary, and one day all of her friends would go on their own paths in life, but her family would still be a part of her life. "God willing, family sticks around…"

"That is the general consensus, is it not?"

"In this day and age? It seems like that's even changing. If Trina were to take Andre's advice, if mom and dad were to split up-" Her breath caught in her throat and she stifled a rising fearful sob. When a bleak image flashed through her mind like lightning, a faded memory, she froze. Unable to say anything more.

Shadow stopped walking and turned halfway to face her. She could feel his ancient eyes studying her as though peering into her very soul. "Something troubles you? I suppose while we're at it, now might be a good time to suggest looking at the source." Her body trembled for a moment and her brow furrowed.

"What source?"

"My memory is as sharp as it was years ago. I remember Trina as a child, I remember you as a child. What was it that made you turn into this person that you say pushed away your family?"

"The stranger, as I call it…I get that from some song." She chuckled recalling the song Stranger by Hilary Duff. It was this song she had playing one day when she was brushing her teeth. It made her stop and she ended up staring at herself for a long period of time. "I would never have made everyone at school think my sister is weird or that my dad was an alcoholic when he wasn't or that mom was just someone that liked to sleep around and spend her money on random things…I-I don't know what changed. I blame it on a lot of things. Hollywood Arts, stardom, and sometimes even my friends-"

"I did hear you say to your friends in the other room that you regret ever meeting them."

"Sometimes! I said sometimes!" She bowed her head and whimpered once. "Sometimes I say things and I don't even realize what impact it has on anyone."

"That's my point. When you were a young child, you were the innocent one as I recall. You always asked master Clarence permission to do something, you held your tongue when you thought something was wrong. What they say about this fame or 'stardom', it is only the fruit on the tree. Something makes you grab that fruit. It doesn't force itself on you."

"Hunger."

"There is always something. Look at me." She lifted her eyes towards him and held her frown as his gaze warmed her. They held each other's stare for the longest time until his eyes softened and he slid his eyelids shut. "Once you figure out what you're afraid of, or what is hurting you, you'll find the source of why you acted the way you may have been. Why you decided to take the fruit on that tree. When that happens, then you can begin to work on a change."

"Maybe. One could only hope." She shook her head and started to walk off. "Thanks for this talk…"

Wise old owl, how many licks does it take-hah that commercial always gets stuck in my head and I hate it. Well, tell me your thoughts on the chapter.