It wasn't until I overheard some people muttering to each other in the corridor outside the room that I realised it had been over a week since the rebels had taken the Institute. It came as a bit of a shock to realise that Hazel and I had been there that long but it explained why Hyde looked more like a ghost than Hazel did, and why I felt stronger than I had in months...which was still pretty pathetic compared to what I used to feel like. My days of endless training and unbeatable fitness from before the Quarter Quell seemed like a distant memory now.
Everyone just seemed to sleep a lot, Hazel the most and Hyde spent a lot of time curled up on top of the covers next to Hazel. Whether he actually slept the whole time or not I don't know but every time she woke up to see him there she just smiled instead of kicking him out so I guess what Domitius had said was true.
As far as I could see the only advantage of being stuck there was that whatever it was they gave us in the little needles in our wrists seemed to banish dreams, and I didn't have a single nightmare for over a week, possibly the longest I had gone since I was seventeen.
Perks aside I grew bored and frustrated quickly and soon I began to pace the little room, quickly finding the door was locked. On one of my routes around the edges of the room Hazel sat on her bed, watching me silently. For once she was Hyde free. Panem knew where he'd gone. She still wasn't strong enough to really get out of bed, so she was confined to following me with her eyes as I walked back and forth before her.
"You're making me tired just watching you," she commented eventually and I stopped in front of her bed.
I'm making myself tired, I thought as I leant against the bed and absently ran my fingers through my hair, trying to convince myself that simply walking a dozen times around a room hadn't taken all the energy I'd been saving up for days.
"I need to get out of here," I said instead, glancing hopefully towards the door as I heard footsteps. To my relief they stopped and we both watched expectantly as Hyde appeared in the doorway, his eyes flying instantly to Hazel but then flickering over me too. "Good," I declared, pushing myself away from the bed. "You're here. I'm leaving." Walking passed my bed I grabbed a woollen jacket that had been flung over the end, left for me by Domitius I suspected. Days ago I'd changed into tight fitting black leggings and a top that managed to simultaneously remind me of my longed for training outfit, and the mentors clothing I'd discarded the day Clove died. Regardless, I was grateful for the clothes. They made me feel less like a patient.
"It's not cold out there," Hyde pointed out as I walked passed him, to my surprise making no move to stop me. Every time I'd voiced my plans to leave, people had either ignored me or sighed and rolled their eyes. I ignored his comment and pulled the jacket on. I don't know what it was but even in this room I hadn't been able to feel warm and I doubted that I would outside, whatever the temperature. Just another cruel trick of the universe I decided, that I, with my complete aversion to anything cold, seemed destined to shiver regardless of the temperature.
Before now I'd never spent much time in District 3, only the brief stops on my own and Dayna's Victory Tours, and by then I'd been so close to both being over that I had barely paid any attention. I found a flight of stairs at the end of the corridor and followed them upwards into a light filled hall. The next floor appeared to be the ground floor and it seemed almost deserted, despite looking like the entrance hall of the building. It wasn't big and it wasn't polished, in fact it had the shabby, neglected look of almost everything that wasn't Capitol. There were double doors facing me leading outside, the stairs I had come from, and two corridors leading from them into the depths of the building. I ignored their beckoning darkness and turned eagerly towards the light, stepping hesitantly towards it. It had been so long since I'd been somewhere so open, and as I pushed one of the doors open my heart began to pound at the sight of the horizon before me. It seemed impossibly wide, even though it was obstructed by grey and crumbling buildings with mountains in the distance behind them. Taking a deep breath I forced my feet to step forwards slightly, onto the step of the building but still in its shelter, letting the door bang shut behind me. I was outside. Not looking at it through a window but really outside.
Hyde had been right; it wasn't cold, a warm breeze ruffled the dust in the streets and tickled my skin, but I still found myself shivering and wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling very small and vulnerable out here. I felt breathless, and I told myself it was just from the walk up the stairs, but my heart was beating harder now than it had been at the end of the walk and there was an uncomfortable prickling all over my skin. I grit my teeth, willing myself to ignore the signs of panic, and looked around me again. I had to appreciate this, the space, the openness, the sky. At the thought I glanced up at the endless stretch of blue pressing down upon me and I lost the small sliver of control I'd had. Unable to breathe I felt the cold metal of the door against my arms as I instinctively backed up against it. I could feel my lungs demanding air, my chest heaving as I tried to give them what they wanted, but it didn't seem to make a difference. Even when I closed my eyes I could still feel the pressure of so much space as if it were crushing me with its nothing.
Suddenly the door behind me opened and I stumbled backwards, losing my balance and crashing into someone whose hands automatically reached out to steady me. I would have panicked even more except I recognised the touch as Domitius' and so my eyes stayed firmly shut as I tried to draw a decent breath. Deafeningly loud I heard the door shutting behind me and for some reason the knowledge that the huge expanse of space outside was now cut off from me helped, and I felt the tight ache in my chest begin to subside. Tentatively I drew in a shaking breath and found that oxygen flooded back into my lungs.
"The sky?" Domitius asked gruffly and, eyes still shut, I gave a small nod. He made an incomprehensible noise in the back of his throat and after a pause I opened my eyes a crack, blinking against the bright light that still flooded the hall. I looked sheepishly up at him, now that I could breathe again, humiliated by the panic attack. Who was afraid of the sky?
"I'm fine," I declared firmly, ducking my gaze again so he wouldn't be able to read my tangle of emotions on my face. He made the noise again, which I couldn't decide was agreement or disagreement.
"Let's go back downstairs," he said, ignoring my statement. "There's something I need to talk to you, Hazel and Hyde about."
"They think we're dead?" Hazel repeated disbelievingly, blinking at him. Domitius inclined his head and leant back in the chair he'd pulled into the room. I sat with Hazel on her bed, still wrapped in my woollen jacket, and Hyde stood on her other side, frowning. "All of us?" he clarified and Domitius nodded again.
He then seemed to reconsider his answer. "Well, most of the other Victors have been killed by either the Capitol or the rebels. Everyone thinks you're dead anyway, Hazel," he said, nodding to her, "There are reports that you were killed in District 10, Hyde," then he looked at me and paused. "They don't know what happened to you, Enobaria. When District 13 rescued the others from the Capitol they hadn't really expected you to be there, but I don't think they've counted you as dead yet."
"The others?" I asked in a low voice, not looking at him.
"The rebels extracted Johanna Mason, Annie Cresta and Peeta Mellark from the Capitol, in various stages of dying. They're all alive now in District 13. Katniss, Finnick and Beetee were rescued from the Arena."
"Fire Girl," I corrected in a bitter murmur, receiving a curious look from Hazel which I ignored. I sat back on the bed and thought about this. So Fire Girl and her Loverboy had survived two Arenas. The only reason I had volunteered for the Quarter Quell was to kill her, though now that seemed a long time ago. I was still unhappy that she was alive though.
From the way Domitius talked I got the impression that the rebels weren't a cohesive group. There was District 13 but it sounded as if there were other groups, fighting for the same cause but not necessarily sharing the same information. It was clear Domitius was part of the rebellion, but he wasn't part of the rebels, which was interesting. Obviously too, whichever group we were with now, didn't mind keeping it a secret from District 13 that four Victors were still alive among them. Trying to understand the twisted network of alliances and loyalties made my head ache so I stopped.
Rebellion or no rebellion, the complicated systems of Panem were still in place. We never could make like simple for ourselves.
"Well we'd be stupid to tell them we're alive," Hyde said dismissively. "It would just be asking for them to try and kill us again." He hooked his arm through Hazel's, I think without realising, and we all knew that he was really saying he didn't want to lose her again. Hazel glanced at him but nodded as well.
They all looked to me but I didn't meet anyone's gaze, trying to decide what position I stood in. Everything was changing and I didn't know where it was safe to stand anymore, and I hated that feeling. Domitius said District 13 had called for a meeting with all surviving Victors, that we'd have to travel there for briefings and then to the Capitol, but they didn't know who was alive and who was dead. If I went, was I walking into a trap? The Victors weren't particularly my allies but I suppose they were more so than anyone else. I didn't have a side. I was completely alone and my fate was entirely in my own hands.
"What about you?" I asked Domitius, buying myself time.
He gave a very uncharacteristic grin that gave me a glimpse of the boy I'm sure he'd once been, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, I died in the fighting in District 2 a long time ago, it's common knowledge now," he said smugly and Hyde gave a low laugh. I produced a weak smile, not finding the idea that everyone I knew was either dead or pretending to be as amusing as he did.
My hands twisted together in my lap as I tried to decide what to do. It felt very much like choosing between two bad options.
"I'm going for a walk," I said, sliding from the bed. I needed to be able to think it through without the three of them watching me expectantly for an answer. I think I knew what it would be already, but I had to be sure. No one said anything as I walked away from them, until I got to the door.
"Not outside, alright?" Domitius said over his shoulder in an offhand manner. I paused and looked at him, quietly appreciative. He was the only person who had ever shown any interest in my well being my entire life and he always seemed to know the best way to go about it. I nodded silently and slipped from the room, shutting the door quietly behind me.