"I'll do it."
Domitius paused before looking up as I walked into the room with my announcement. He'd been sitting back in the same chair I'd left him in, studying a piece of paper intently with Hyde looking in his direction like they'd just been discussing something.
Hyde looked over to me as I entered and walked up to stand beside Domitius, waiting until he looked up from whatever he was studying. "Tell them that I'll go to District 13 and to their meeting."
He nodded slowly, lifting his eyes to study me instead. "Are you sure about this?"
I understood the serious tone of his question but I nodded without hesitation. I was done guessing and second guessing. If nowhere was safe then I may as well see what they wanted with us. Perhaps they would just round us up and execute us, but then perhaps anyone would. It seemed everyone wanted us dead at the moment, for no reason other than that we had survived the Capitol. What was once the only method of survival now signed our death warrant.
As I nodded he rose to his feet, folding the paper and stuffing it into his pocket. Hyde stood as well as if that were some signal. Without a word they both began to move towards the door, leaving Hazel and I once again alone in the sterile white room. I looked over at her and she shrugged nonchalantly.
"What are you going to do?" I asked, moving towards her and taking a seat on the thin windowsill. I glanced through the opaque glass at the blurry shapes outside, lit by fading daylight.
"We're not staying here. We're going to leave." I didn't comment on how her sentences suddenly used 'we' instead of 'I'. Hazel wasn't the type of person who would appreciate me raising it and I wasn't the type to do so. If she and Hyde were happy, well, as far as I could see they'd earned that right and it was none of my business.
"District 7?" I asked without averting my gaze from the window even though there was nothing particular to see. I didn't want to hear her talk about home. I'd agreed to go to District 13 but after that it just seemed like a giant black hole of uncertainty. I didn't know where to go. I didn't belong anywhere anymore, not that I ever really had. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"No. I'm tired of all of this," she said and I heard her move from her bed. She padded across the floor towards me and perched on the other end of the windowsill. I turned to look at her, studying her. She looked different now, neither like the darkly amusing girl I'd first met but nor like the silent skeleton she'd become during our time in captivity. She looked older, and worn, but not broken anymore. Perhaps all that was just the result of time lived in this world that never seemed to want us. Perhaps I looked exactly the same. Briefly I remembered our conversation of curses. I'd said that if we ever escaped the Institute maybe our curse would be lifted. I glanced at Hazel's hand where she nervously twisted a thin silver ring on one finger, as if she still wasn't used to it being there. I hoped that for her sake the curse was broken. She heaved a sigh and lifted her eyes to meet mine and I felt instantly wary at the calculating look there. "Hyde and I are going north, Enobaria," she said carefully, her voice dropping instinctively. I glanced at the door even though I knew we were alone. Apparently old habits died hard. "There has to be more out there, somewhere. I refuse to believe that this sorry society is all that's left and Hyde agrees. We're leaving after the Victor's meeting," she paused and licked her lips and I knew the words to follow were important. "We'll wait for you, if you want to come with us."
I didn't move, not even a blink as I thought about her words. Hazel was perhaps the only friend I'd ever had, and I only realised it now as she held out the olive branch to me, offering me escape. Eventually I broke away from her gaze and looked out the window again, this time seeing the things that were beyond the frosted glass. I pictured the mountains and the pine forests stretching away forever, the freedom that would come with disappearing into them, just as I'd always wanted. The thought was unbelievably tempting. Away, away from all of this, away from a world that felt as if it were crumbling around me, away from Games and Arenas and Presidents.
I blinked and in the moment of darkness of my closed eyelids I saw a face and it was a nod to my history that I did not know whose face haunted me anymore. There were so many ghosts and I'd never be able to outrun them. Freedom would never really be freedom if I was always running, not from the Capitol now but from myself. They'd follow me, wherever I went; Clove, Calico, Lupa, Manius, Raziel, Pax, my mother, my father, Brutus, Gloss, Cashmere. The list seemed almost endless but if I tried to outrun them they'd always be there.
Before I knew it I was shaking my head. "I can't," I said, my voice barely audible. I wanted so badly to say yes, to be free, but I knew that if it was achievable at all, it wasn't going to come from running. I didn't need to say anymore before I felt Hazel's warm hand resting gently on mine, not affectionate- she knew I'd never accept that- just comforting. She didn't need words to understand. In the end, I'm not sure there was anyone who would ever understand me as much as Hazel did. We were made of the same stuff, her and I, the same dark, twisted wood that refused to die. We'd been through the same experiences and we'd committed the same sins. There was no judgement and there was no forgiveness because both were useless.
We sat like that for a while in silence, staring out the window at only things we could see until I couldn't stand the sadness anymore. Just like the sky it threatened to crush me so I shook myself free of the sombreness and slid from the windowsill. "I guess I should get ready to leave," I said quietly, looking at my bed where only a few clothes sat. I had some more clothes in District 2, if it still stood, but there was nothing else. Until then I hadn't realised that I'd managed to get twenty five years without really having a single possession.
It surprised me when the small Hovercraft we travelled in landed long before it should have. It surprised me even more when Domitius nodded his head, nudging me to get off. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't have trusted them but I did as he said and cautiously descended the steps to a patch of barren dirt. I stood in the shadow of the machine and shielded my eyes against the sunlight, trying to figure out where we were. Rocky hills rose up in front of me and I froze, my eyes scanning over the scraggy green trees cresting the skyline. I was home.
I turned to face him with the question on my tongue but he already had the answer.
"I can't go to District 13. They think I'm dead, remember? It's still unstable but the rebels have District 2 now...you don't want the details." I shuddered, silently agreeing that I did not want to know what the cooperation of our home had cost. "You're not expected in District 13 until tomorrow and there's something I needed to show you here first." I glared at him suspiciously, ungrateful for the surprise. I did not like having things sprung on me, not matter how much I trusted Domitius now. Without further explanation he turned and walked away from the Hovercraft, away from the hills and towards what I recognised as the edge of town. We'd landed on the eastern side, diagonally opposite to the Training Centre...if it still stood. With a low growl in my throat I began to trudge after him.
Slowly we made our way towards the edge of town on the opposite side to the forest. I kept my head down, following the back of his heels as I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and not thinking about how large the sky was overhead. Such a ridiculous fear, I hated myself for it even as I knew it was something I was never going to be fully rid of.
Domitius stopped suddenly and I almost crashed into him, looking up at the last minute and freezing. A smooth expanse of grass stretched before us, dotted with even grey stones. I had walked passed here a million times but I had never been in. I had no desire to be here.
"No," I stated simply, taking a step backwards.
Domitius turned to me at the gate and gave me a firm look. "Yes," he corrected in a no nonsense tone before reaching forwards and yanking me through the gate. I yelped and struck out, digging my nails into his arm but he ignored my attack and released me as soon as we were through the gate. I growled softly and rubbed my arm where he'd grabbed it and glared furiously at him.
"There's nothing here," I muttered, betraying myself as I couldn't help but glance to the left side of the cemetery where the most recent graves were. District 2 had a no nonsense approach to death. When people died they were cremated and their ashes buried under a simple, carved stone from the quarry. Usually only a name was engraved on the stone but if they were a victor their Games would be there too. There were a lot of stones in this cemetery and it was clear that there were a lot of fresh ones. No flowers or ornaments decorated the graves like I had seen in the Capitol. Mourning here was very simple and once a brief respectful period had passed people simply picked up and moved on. Death was too common in our world to spend much time crying over it.
Domitius followed my gaze to where Cato and Clove's stones would be sitting next to each other, and shook his head. "We are not here to visit your sister."
'We're not here to visit anyone," I spat. "This is a place for dead people. We have no purpose here." Recent events had made me strangely protective of my status as living.
Without replying Domitius turned and began to walk down the central path separating the two sides of the cemetery. The graves were arranged in the logical order of death, the older ones at the front and newer at the back. Clove's stone would be before Cato's. Even a few days would make a difference. We were very organised about death in District 2.
I hovered where I was for a moment, restlessly moving from one foot to the next and looking around, before looking back at Domitius' retreating back. I threw a curse at him and then began to stalk after him. He had halted a few rows from Clove and only as I approached and took in the position, quickly doing a calculation in my head, did I realise whose stone he was standing in front of. Growling again I pulled myself to a stop a few feet from him and the stone he was looking down at.
"This is pointless."
He ignored me and scuffed his foot gently against the side of the stone, brushing away some tall grass. Sulkily I looked around us, deliberately avoiding looking up at the sky. I tried to count how many names I would know in the place if I were to walk the lines of stones.
So many of the stones in the back few rows would be for the tributes I hadn't brought home; Myron, Alethia, Alec, Demetria, Theron, Nysa, Brirus, Tobias, Milena, Nico, Aldora...Cato and Clove. I doubted Brutus would have joined this peaceful family in all the chaos since his death in the Arena. Then there were those who never walked into a place of death, should never have died, like Pax. Tacita would be here somewhere too. Turning I looked to the stones near the one we stood at. Manius would be a few feet away from me. My father would be a few rows behind us. And then there was the one at Domitius' feet. Cassandra Reyes, 49th Victor.
Reluctantly I took the few steps which brought me to Domitius' side before the stone and looked down disdainfully at the name. She meant nothing to me. When Domitius began to talk, still looking at the stone instead of me, his voice was strained.
"Did you know that within one year of walking out of her Arena your mother had married Aeron and had you?" I wasn't sure whether he was expecting an answer and I didn't give one. If he was attempting to explain my mother to me I didn't want to hear it. Nothing he had to say would change seventeen years of neglect and coldness. He wasn't expecting an answer because he continued on as if he weren't even speaking to me.
"Her Arena wasn't easy, and when she survived she only went from one hell to the next. I know you can't sympathise with her, I wouldn't expect you to. Her treatment of you was unforgivable but I'm telling you so that you can know that things happen to people that change them. The Cassandra that I knew was..." he broke off and I could see his features twisting in pain. He really had loved her. "...she was beautiful and spirited and she would have held her little girl as if she were the most precious thing on this earth."
Despite my determination to be indifferent, an ache in my chest was growing with every word he spoke. Why was he doing this? It was worse than torture because he was showing me everything that could have been. What was the point in living in fantasies? It only made reality hurt more when you came back to it. I glared down at the stone in the ground. I hated her even more now because she had been capable of love, once. She had been able to love Domitius, but she couldn't find the strength to love me.
"She didn't though, did she?" I heard my voice, heavy with bitterness.
"She hated me as much as my father did. They were perfect for each other really, both as soulless as each other." Domitius flinched but I didn't care. I rounded on him, hands on my hips. "Are you going to explain him as well? Are you going to explain away how he drank himself into unconsciousness almost every day, how before he passed out he would always make sure to get in a few hits first?" I was breathing hard with anger but Domitius seemed to ignore my raised voice. He crouched down and plucked a few stalks of grass away from the edge of the stone before he spoke in a frustratingly calm voice.
"I would never defend your father, Enobaria. As long as I knew him he was cruel and violent far beyond necessary for any tribute. He had no motivation for his cruelty other than pure, selfish delight in the pain of others. Your mother didn't hate you. I don't think she was capable of either love or hate after she married him. He destroyed her."
I swallowed and crossed my arms so tightly over my chest that I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. There were some bruises from my time in the Arena and the Institute that I suspected were never going to heal. No matter how hard I trained I could never again be as fit as I was before the Quarter Quell. Just one more thing that had been lost.
Suddenly he stood up and turned to face me. "Did Hazel tell you she and Hyde were leaving?" he asked bluntly, his eyes not revealing an iota of the emotion that had moments ago thickened his voice. I stared hard at him for a long time, trying to see through his defences but as always it was impossible. I nodded my head stiffly, still angry at him but sensing my anger wavering slightly. I glanced down at the headstone and traced the letters of her name with my eyes. "Are you going with them?" he pressed and this time I gave a little shake of my head.
I heard him inhale sharply and risked a quick glance up at him. His eyes were fixed on the horizon and for the millionth time I wished I knew what he was thinking. I didn't have to wonder long because, to my surprise, he turned fully to face me, his eyes locking with mine before I could look away. I held his gaze, pinned.
"It may come many years too late, Enobaria, but let me help you now. There's nothing to return to here, anywhere, not for people like us." He was speaking fast as if he didn't trust himself to pause. I barely had time to breathe let alone wonder at his words.
"The reason I had to come to District 2 was to find somewhere to disappear to. There are houses, abandoned now, in the woods near the old quarries. They're deserted...free. No one would bother me there...no one would bother us there." He snapped his mouth shut as soon as he'd finished as if he wanted to be sure no rogue words escaped. He wasn't quite meeting my eyes but I kept staring back at him. I understood his words. Perfectly. He was offering me what I'd never had- a home. Here, buried in the woods of my childhood, it was the perfect combination of freedom and memory. I would not be running if I stayed here, but I would not be lost in an unknown world either. Even without the dangerously fatherly offer Domitius had made me the proposal was overwhelming appealing. I restrained myself though and paused, glancing down at my mother's headstone again.
"I wish they hadn't put Reyes on there," I said suddenly, my eyes still fixed on the stone. I could feel his gaze intent upon me but I didn't look up, knowing I'd lose my courage if I did. "That wasn't her name. That was his. It should say Cassandra Silas. She belonged to him in life, it seems wrong that she should in death too."
I couldn't forgive her, there had been too many years of pain and sorrow for that, but I could acknowledge that she hadn't always been like that. I'd never love the mother I had known but perhaps, with time, I could know the girl that Domitius had loved. He didn't reply to me so I glanced up at him again and nodded. "Yes," I confirmed, feeling the first smile in a long, long time tugging at my lips. "Yes."