"How can I even possibly want to be alone?" Sam asks Natalie more than twenty minutes into their regularly scheduled session.
Natalie's been trained to go with the flow, but considering they'd just been talking about dealing with the frustrations of physical limitations it takes her a moment to catch the Major's train of thought. "You mean because you spent so much time alone while you were held captive?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't want to spend all this time alone. But I also feel like I'm going to climb the walls when anyone else is around. And then, sometimes, I want someone around, I just don't want him to talk. You know?"
"Him who, Sam?"
"What?"
"You said you don't want him to talk. Who is him?"
Sam sputters for a moment and Natalie has to hide a smile. She's discovered Colonel O'Neill and Sam both have a tendency to talk about one another in the abstract. She's also discovered she was very far off base when she accused them of being friends. And that Sam lied outright when she told Natalie that the relationship between Sam and her boss was strictly professional. She doesn't know the extent to which their relationship was unprofessional, but she harbored no doubts that it was, in fact, at least a little unprofessional.
"Sam?"
"I meant him in the abstract. All my teammates are men. And they're all always around. And talking."
"Even Teal'c?"
"These days? Yes."
"You know, I'm not going to let you get away with that for much longer."
"What?" Sam asks suspiciously.
"Lying to me when you're talking about Colonel O'Neill."
Sam sighs. "It's…I'm not sure I can really explain this to you, but it's complicated."
"I'm certain it is. These things always are."
"What things?"
"Relationships."
"We are most certainly not in a relationship," Sam asserts.
And Natalie believes her. Beneath the outrage there is pain, confusion, and if she dares to find it, hope.
"Sam, there are many types of relationships. I'd assert you have at least some kind of relationship with Colonel O'Neill."
"Yes," Sam concedes. "A professional one."
"I get the impression he's not the sort of man that usually feels the need to fill silence."
Sam chuckles. "Believe it or not, you're wrong. He frequently speaks just to hear himself talk. He's always cracking jokes. Waxing irreverent."
"Do you suppose he does that for any particular reason?"
"He likes to make us laugh."
"And when silence is necessary?"
"I've seen him sit quietly for hours if we're in danger of being detected."
"So he's a man who talks with purpose?"
"Well, I guess so."
"And when he's around you these days, he just won't shut up?"
Sam grins a little. "Yeah."
"What does he talk about?"
"Mostly…"
"Sam?"
"Mostly, I think he's just trying to fix me."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Sam spends more time holed up in her quarters on base than she'd strictly like to. But her lab is off limits to her until she's cleared for duty. Janet still hasn't cleared her to leave the base and she's been back for six weeks. She's mostly healed thanks to her father's use of the healing device. But, she still doesn't eat well. Or sleep well. And she has a tendency to blank out and wander off. Even she agrees that Janet's probably right to keep her inside the mountain. Doesn't mean she has to like it.
But she's never really alone unless she's in her quarters. She still escapes to the observation deck as often as possible; one of her body guards is always present, though. Teal'c sits with her while she swims. And honestly, for that she's grateful after one particularly nasty run in with the wall of pool when she failed to execute a turn for being too distracted.Daniel talks incessantly and apologizes nearly every time he sees her. And the colonel has a strange fascination with wanting her to get a dog.
But in her quarters, she's blissfully alone. They'll leave her alone for up to eight hours at a time when they assume she's sleeping. But she never sleeps that long. Every sound jars her awake. Every random itch jerks her into a state of frightened consciousness. The dreams, though, they are what truly terrify her and make her afraid to go to sleep in the first place. So no, she doesn't really sleep anymore.
She lies to Janet about how much sleep she's actually getting. Because while Sam knows, intellectually anyway, that she's perfectly safe in Cheyenne Mountain, the thought of being in a chemically induced sleep from which she can't awaken absolutely terrifies her. She's gotten good with makeup. And her body has become pretty conditioned to sleeping in short bursts.
Sometimes she lets herself think about going through the gate and she just can't imagine a future where that will again be possible. And that makes her lose sleep too.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
It's been more than three months since Jack decided he was better off by himself. He was a wreck when Sam was gone and it seemed as if everyone pointed it out every chance they got. After the third rescue attempt failed even General Hammond agreed Jack was more likely to be a liability than an asset and benched him for future attempts.
And until Sam was rescued he spent a great deal of time sitting on his couch nursing a beer. Or, if he's honest, usually he nursed something much stronger. Even Daniel and Teal'c had learned better than to try to spend time around him.
And then, well, then they brought her home. All of them together – though he's still not sure exactly how he got put on that particular mission list after some of the spectacular fuck-ups he had to claim on those first rescue missions. And since then he's only been off base long enough to continue to collect her mail and tend her lawn.
He knows he's been better since she'd come home. Even he realizes the personnel on base seem more at ease around him than they had in months. And yet, he still feels a strong desire to be alone. If he can't be with her, that is. And he's with her as much as he can explain away. Though he's pretty sure he's not fooling a single damn soul anymore.
He doesn't want to anyway.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Daniel's shocked when Sam unleashes on him. All he did was apologize – and this time not even for leaving her on the planet (he learned his lesson after she nearly physically assaulted him the last time he'd ventured that particular apology). But apparently he's no longer allowed to apologize to her for anything at all – including spilling coffee on her.
"Damn it, Daniel! Could you just…not?! You're sorry, I get it. What do you want from me? Forgiveness?"
"Well," he flounders, "right now I just want to know if you need to go to the infirmary."
"I'm fine," she spits.
"But yeah," he continues boldly, "forgiveness would be nice."
"You spilled coffee on me. It's fine. I'll be fine," she says with disdain incongruous with her words.
"For the other thing."
She looks at him nonplussed.
"I want you to forgive me for the other thing."
"You want me to forgive you for the other thing? The other thing being leaving me on a planet as a captive of a Goa'uld? The other thing being leaving me to be beaten to within an inch of both my life and sanity? The other thing being leaving me in a place where life as I know it is over?"
He gapes at her. Well, he thinks, yes. But he doesn't dare say it. But apparently his eyes just don't know how to shut the hell up.
"Fuck off, Daniel."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"He's got to leave me alone."
Natalie looks up as Sam bursts into her office.
"Colonel O'Neill?"
Sam shakes her head vehemently. "No. Daniel. If he apologizes to me one more time, I think I might actually kill him. It's not a euphemism. I'm picturing doing real mortal harm."
Natalie looks Sam over and sees an angry red welt on her forearm. "Sam, you okay?"
"I'm fine. My blood pressure's a little high and I'm concerned I'm just millimeters away from losing it, but yeah. I'm fine."
"You appear to have burned yourself." Natalie gestures at the Major's arm.
"Sonuvabitch." Sam acknowledges the burn for the first time apparently. She grips the unmarked skin just below the burn. "Ouch."
"I think you should go see Doctor Fraiser."
Sam nods.
"What happened?"
"Daniel spilled his coffee on me."
"And then he apologized?"
Sam flushes and then nods.
"And you took his head off?"
Sam nods again – sheepishly.
"Okay. I'll walk you to the infirmary. But I think it's time you had some real time to yourself. What do you think, Sam? Ready to go home?"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Sam's shocked to walk into her house and find it absolutely free of dust. To find her mail stacked neatly on the kitchen counter separated into bills, correspondence, and junk mail. She notices all the bills are open and having payment dates handwritten on them. In the colonel's handwriting. Well.
She looks back out the window, and no her memory isn't playing tricks on her – the grass is mowed. The bushes are pruned. There are no newspapers piled up on her porch.
She opens her fridge hopefully but it's empty. Damn. Her freezer turns up more of the same. She hadn't really thought this through. Oh, she's thrilled that Natalie secured her freedom. Well, her sort-of-freedom. She listens as the front door opens. Here comes the caveat, she thinks.
"C'mon in, Teal'c."
"I appreciate the opportunity to leave the SGC, Major Carter."
"You and me both, Teal'c."
"It appears they trust neither of us to be alone," he says with the hint of a smile he appears to reserve for her.
"Joke's on them, letting us out alone together then, isn't it?"
"How can we be alone if we are together?"
"How indeed?"Sure, she's grateful to be off base. And sure, she's grateful to be home. But all she really wants is to be alone. Truthfully, Teal'c was probably the best option if someone had to come with her. At least he gives her some space. At least he has perfected the art of silence. And, of all of them, he is, surprisingly, the one she felt the least anger towards.
She can't even begin to explain how it is the Jaffa of the group that keeps her most at east but, alas, it is true. Perhaps because, even though he's as much a part of her team as Jack and Daniel, he just doesn't fill a space like they do. He can blend in with the background. When he's around, sometimes she can still pretend like she's alone.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Sam comes awake gasping violently. Damn it. She hadn't meant to fall asleep at all. The television's on but the sounds been all but muted. A light throw blanket that is usually folded over the back of the couch is now spread over her and damp with sweat. A low light burns from somewhere in the direction of the kitchen or dining room. And the smell of Teal'c's candles wafts gently down the hall.
"Teal'c?" She tries but the name sticks in her throat. She clears her throat and tries again. "Teal'c?"
He appears like an apparition. "Do you require assistance, Major Carter?"
"How long have I been asleep?" She flounders for a question since she's not quite sure why she called him.
His eyes flicker towards the VCR. "Approximately three hours."
"Approximately three hours," she mutters.
He must take that as a rebuke for his inaccuracy because he answers back. "Two hours and fifty three minutes."
She shakes her head and waves him off. "Which day is this?"
"The second day, Major Carter."
She relaxes back into the couch. She's been home two days. The day after tomorrow she'll have to report back for a med eval. But in the meantime she's home free, so to speak.
"What time is it?" she asks from beneath the hand she's splayed over her face.
"Two-thirty a.m."
"I'm hungry. You hungry?"
"I believe Pronto Pizza delivers at this time."
"Great. Perfect."
Teal'c turns towards her cordless phone.
"Hey, just no pineapple, okay?"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Jack pulls up into Carter's driveway and fiddles with the radio dials to kill time. Bra'tac's untimely arrival at the SGC means Teal'c's no longer on Carter-duty. And since they all decided it would probably be best if Daniel wasn't left alone with Sam, and since Janet is dealing with a particularly nasty alien fungus that came home with SG-4, Jack was nominated to run interference. At least this way Sam doesn't have to give up her hard won evening at home.
Teal'c emerges from the house and Jack gets out of the truck leaving it running for the big guy.
"O'Neill."
"Hiya, Teal'c." Jack shuffles unsurely in the driveway.
"Major Carter is expecting you."
"Yeah."
"I shall return to relieve you as soon as I can. However, if I have not returned, Major Carter's doctor's appointment is at nine o'clock."
"Thanks, Teal'c. I got it."
"She is…"
And when Teal'c doesn't finish his sentence Jack's worried. Teal'c's a lot of things but pensive is never one of them. "She's what?"
"Major Carter does not rest with ease."
Jack sighs and shoots his gaze towards where the sun in dipping past the horizon. "I figured."
"She dreams."
"Dreams?"
"I believe she suffers from night terrors."
"Yeah, well, who doesn't?"
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The first few hours are tense and uncomfortable. She wanders around and seems to avoid him at all costs. And then, they encounter each other in the hallway as he is leaving the bathroom and she her bedroom.
They stare at each other for a full minute. He watches as she regains control of her breathing. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
She shrugs. "Most things do these days, sir."
"We haven't really talked since you've been back."
She sighs heavily. "Sir, it seems like all I've done since I got back was talk."
"I…" he huffs, grasps at the back of his neck and makes a thorough study of the grain on her hardwood floor. "Aw, fuck, Sam." He meets her eyes guiltily then leans heavily against the wall. "Look, it might piss you off, but I've gotta tell you I'm sorry."
She deflates. "Me too."
"What? Why?"
She just shakes her head. Then she bites her lip and it undoes him.
"God, you've got nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong."
"It all happened because we…"
"No, it didn't. It would have happened anyway. And we didn't…you know… just because we…"
"What?"
He can't answer. Apparently she can't either.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get to you," he finally supplies when it seems like there's no safe avenue of conversation on the previous topic.
"Me too."
"I'm sorry you were alone."
"Me too."
"I'm sorry those things happened to you," and he's startled to find she's gone blurry through tears.
And when she say, "me too," he can hear thick tears in her voice.
"I'm sorry it wasn't me."
And he waits, but she doesn't say it.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"I was completely alone there. There weren't any other prisoners," Sam volunteers forty minutes into an intense session.
Natalie nods and waits for Sam to continue.
"The colonel told me he's sorry he wasn't the one who was taken."
"Do you believe him?"
"Yes."
"Are you sorry it wasn't him?"
"No," Sam breathes as if horrified by the very thought.
"Why not?"
"He's…look, I'm not supposed to know this, and I really shouldn't be telling you, but…the things that were done to me…"
"Were done to him, too, when he was in the Iraqi prison."
Sam's eyes snap up to meet Natalie's. "You know?"
"I do." Natalie buys a moment by taking a sip of her coffee. "So, he's been through what you've been through. He knows how hard it is, how awful, and he still tells you he'd have preferred it was him."
"Yeah."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Like he's a fool."
Moments stretch out into long breaths before Sam continues. "It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so alone."