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Chapter 15

Once the Doctor had truly returned to normal he settled in front of a canvas and started painting while Clara retrieved a book from her suitcase and read with relaxing music in the background. She liked the fact that he didn't talk right now and if she was honest she wasn't really concentrating on her book at all. Clara's mind was still back on when she had been lying on top of him and he had touched her no matter how much she tried to ban these thoughts from her head. Once the Doctor had come down from his trip Clara had decided not to try it. She had seen what effect it had had on him and even though he had told her it would probably be different for her she had decided against it. She wasn't keen on losing control over herself and doing something she might regret. After a while however the silence became kind of unnerving.

"Doctor?" she asked.

"Mh?" he looked up at her her but Clara tried to avoid his gaze.

"Do you ever paint people in the nude?"

"Of course," the Doctor replied.

Clara tried to sound as matter-of-factly as possible. She wasn't sure why exactly she was asking him this, maybe to try to find out whether he would mind taking their new found intimacy a little further. "Would you paint me in the nude?"

There was a pause, not a long one but long enough for Clara to notice his hesitation.

"I don't see why not," he said eventually, his focus back on the painting in front of him, "But not here. The light in here isn't good enough for a decent portrait."

Clara put the book aside and got up from the sofa, walking up to the Doctor to have a look at what he was working on. She was curious what his trip had inspired him to and was surprised when she was facing another portrait of herself.

"Wow," she uttered without even meaning to.

Even though it was undoubtedly her she looked so different in it. Instead of her usual brown irises her eyes were made up of tiny worlds, a small planet earth with the oceans and the continents in each of them. Her eyebrows and hair also weren't brown but dark blue and stars were dripping from the ends over her shoulder.

"I know it's a little different," the Doctor said, "It's okay if you don't like it."

"I do," she breathed, "I do like it. Very much. Is that what you saw in me earlier?"

"Something like that," he replied.

"Do you want to take a break?" Clara asked him, "I could make us a cup of coffee and we could have a look at those cookies we bought at the bakery earlier."

The Doctor looked at her over his shoulder and set his brush down. "Yeah, sounds good," he agreed.

She prepared the coffee, careful to make it strong just the way she knew the Doctor liked it while he unpacked the cookies and settled on the sofa. A few minutes later Clara sat down next to him and quietly sipped her coffee for a while, watching him. An idea started to form in her mind, yet Clara wasn't sure how the Doctor would react to her suggestion.

"You know what we could do?" she said, looking down at herself, not at him.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

Clara took a deep breath. "I know you don't like talking about your past. But what about a game instead? I ask a question and you answer with yes or no. Just that. No explaining, no further questions. I will not ask about it no matter what the answer is."

Finally she looked up at him and the Doctor wore a look of contemplation on his face as if he was actually considering her suggestion.

"I want to get to know you," Clara said sincerely, "I know you don't want to tell me things but I would really like a glimpse of you, to understand you. Because. . .," she paused, "Because I care about you."

The Doctor frowned at her for a long moment.

"Okay," he eventually agreed, "Let's do this, but I get to ask questions, too."

"Really?" she was genuinely surprised at his answer.

"Really," he confirmed, "But I'm starting."

He looked at the ceiling for a while but then stared straight at her. "Have you ever lied about being in love with someone?"

Clara thought about it for a moment. She had truly loved Nina, and the Swedish boy. And when she had told Danny that she loved him she has actually meant it.

"No," she replied determinedly, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes. Have you ever committed a crime?"

Yes. He had been married. It was her first question and already did she want to ask about it. But she had promised that she wouldn't.

About the crime? She had stolen bubble gum from a shop as a teenager. As silly as it was it was a crime. "Yes," she thought about her next question, "Have you ever slept with one of your muses?"

"Yes," he replied with a grimace, "Have you ever made a mistake and regretted it?"

Clara cocked an eyebrow. "Really? Is there someone on this planet who hasn't?"

"Good point. Okay, then," he paused, his voice growing sad, "Have you ever watched someone die? Not as in lost someone but watched."

"No," Clara replied, "Have you?"

"Yes."

He didn't ask a new question and Clara could see on his face that whoever he had watched die he saw it happening again right now in his mind.

"Have you ever thought about kissing me?" she asked to take his mind off the last subject. It was a risky move and she knew it. But Clara wanted to know.

The Doctor frowned at her. "I believe it's my turn."

Clara smiled sweetly. "I believe you're avoiding the question."

"Clara, I-" he broke off and sighed in defeat, "Yes."

"Are you thinking about it right now?" she asked before he could say anything. Her smile didn't falter and she kept looking at him.

"I think you're missing the point of the game," the Doctor reminded her.

It was now or never and Clara knew it so she leaned forward and pressed her lips on his before she could talk herself out of it. That was all she intended to do. A peck on the lips, an invitation he could accept or decline and she expected him to pull away any second. Yet the touch lingered and slowly, just an inch the Doctor parted his lips for her. Clara leaned further into the kiss, gently and carefully she traced his tongue with her own. He tasted like coffee, like something forbidden that was extra sweet just because it was off limits. And then the Doctor pulled away, leaving Clara to crave so much more than just that.

"I have a rule about my muses," the Doctor cleared his throat once he was at a safe distance, "No physical relationships, no hanky panky. It has worked well for many years."

"It was just a kiss, Doctor," she said defensively.

He glared at her in reply.

"Why are you being like this? What's with the stupid rule?" Clara asked angrily, "A few minutes ago you said you've slept with at least one of your muses. You said you have thought about kissing me, so what's the problem?"

"Because sometimes, Clara, things go wrong," he spat, "You're right. I've had relationships with my muses and if I could turn back time and undo the damage those relationships have done to them, to me, I would."

For a moment she was too lost for words to say anything. Clara had known the Doctor probably had a few demons in his past, demons that could explain all of his nightmares, but all she ever did was scratch the surface of what was really troubling him.

"Clara," he said calmly after a moment, "I care for you deeply and I mean that. I want you around me but this is not happening and not because I wouldn't or you wouldn't. I need to protect both of us. Just trust me on this – we'll both be happier this way."

Again Clara only stared at him, not knowing what to say.

"Can you do that, Clara?" he asked sincerely, "Can you be my muse and my friend? I need you, more than you could understand but I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave."

"I'm not leaving," she replied determinedly, "You're the first good thing that has happened to me in years. Nothing's gonna make me leave you."

The Doctor smiled at her, a sad expression on his face. "I was afraid you would say that."