Disclaimer: I don't own any of the tiny winy potato characters in this ff! Masashi Kishimoto does!
Warnings: Comfort and sad, unanswered love! Self-harm, homosexuality and character death.
Pairings etc: Sasodei(MAIN), Itadei. AU modern world. Threeshot.
Requested by: Deiama4ever
The Second Wheel
This explained everything.
Every little question he'd had these past days. Why he didn't answer his calls or messages... Why he never knocked on his door, a smirk on his face and a grocery bag in his hand, asking if Sasori wanted to watch some Disney movies with him... Why he never said a word about Itachi. A word about anyone. A word at all.
Five days without Deidara had passed. And Sasori had been selfish enough to think it was because the blonde was too busy with Itachi. He actually thought Deidara forgot about him... But the truth was; Sasori's the one who forgot about Deidara.
Konan didn't need to say anything else. Itachi. Car-crash.
It was all he needed to get up from his seat, give a thankful nod towards Konan and leave the cafe with quick and determined steps. Damn it, Deidara... Why would you not want to tell me?
In all these years of being a third wheel... Deidara had still always searched comfort in his arms. He might be engaged to Itachi, but he had always came to Sasori whenever he needed to talk about any love or friend problems... Family problems, even! And after a few hours of talking, Deidara would... Well at least he would look like he felt a lot better. He would smile. A genuine smile.
Why would he be so stubborn about not letting Sasori know this time?
It might be because this was a lot more serious than any other case. Itachi in a car-crash... Was he at the hospital now? How badly injured was he? Was his life in danger?
Shit... Sasori didn't even want to go there. He didn't even want to think of what would happen if Itachi died. If he died, Sasori would die. Not that he would actually miss him (might sound a bit heartless, but he wasn't going to lie) but Deidara would. He definitely would. Obviously. Deidara would probably try to... Well, god knows, he might even try to take his own life. Just to see Itachi in heaven, or something dramatic like that. It sounded like a typically stupid thing Deidara would do for a dear lover like Itachi... Damn it, Itachi, you selfish bastard... Car-crash... That's reckless, pathetic and just mainsteam, god damn it. Damn you...
Knowing Deidara, he probably wouldn't even let him into the house right now. But it didn't matter, Sasori decided. He was still going to go there, and he was going to fucking break a window if that's what was needed to get inside and see how his best friend was holding up... Sasori just couldn't stop feeling so disappointed at them though. Itachi for the car-crash, and Deidara for not letting him know.
But even if Sasori's mind was filled with questions and concern, he knew exactly what he was going to do. He was running straight for Deidara and Itachi's house, snowflakes hitting his face contantly, irritating his eyes.
He was going to find Deidara. Honestly, he had no idea what he was going to say. Or do. Sasori had never been good at comforting people. He had never been good with people at all... But he would do his best, for Deidara. He would always do his best for him.
It was so quiet when he arrived... It wasn't snowing anymore, and Sasori could clearly see the beautiful house in front of him. ...It was one of those houses that someone like Deidara deserved, you know? A lot of space, but still very cozy and beautiful. With a nice garden and lovely front porch. Nice neighbors living not too near but near enough for nice company during a warm day in the garden...Their house-number and names labeled on the door.
Uchiha Itachi and Katsuhiko Deidara.
7.
Sasori stared at the number and names for a while. His hand was up and ready to knock on the door. ...But he hesitated, suddenly.
What was he going to do?
This wasn't anything he should try to solve... Would Deidara really feel any better if Sasori even tried to talk to him right now? After all, he had told Konan not to let him know about this... How was Sasori going to help Deidara in any way? It seemed like... The only one who could help Deidara with a situation like this was Itachi.
He stared at the door for a while, before he sighed.
He might not like feelings. And he might not like people...
But what kind of friend, human, was he, if he didn't even try? It shouldn't matter if Deidara would feel better on not; Sasori had to make sure his best friend was alright. ...He had to make sure the love of his life was taking care of himself. He had to be less selfish. Or else, he was just as pathetic as that Uchiha-bastard.
All right.
Ringing the doorbell, he waited for a few seconds. And as expected, no one answered.
Sasori wasn't the most patient person, and after trying the doorbell for a few times, he decided to see if the door was unlocked. It wasn't... Knocking on the door, he opened his mouth to utter that flawless name after a very empty week. "Deidara." A very flawless name. "Open the door." And an order.
The silence seemed to thicken. But Sasori swore could feel some sort of tension in the air... He was in there, wasn't he? "Deidara!" A bit louder this time, to make sure he would hear him.
Still no answer.
He wasn't surprised though. After all, Deidara told Konan to keep quiet about this. The blonde was probably really upset right now, hearing Sasori's voice outside the door to his home. He probably would have preferred hearing Itachi's voice... Sasori would never understand what Itachi had that Sasori lacked... What did Deidara see in him? Why was Sasori never enough?
Pushing these thoughts aside, Sasori tried to think of what to do. He really needed to get in there. Should he break in? Should he actually crush a window or something...? "Oi, DEIDARA! We need to talk, god damn it!"
Hitting the door with his fist a few times, Sasori's eyes narrowed a bit, brows furrowing, "I'LL CRUSH A WINDOW IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, YOU IDIOT!"
… He was quiet for a small while, waiting for that beautiful voice to speak up... But he never heard it.
"At least... At least answer me! Dei... Ugh..." Sighing, Sasori decided to break himself in... If that was what it would take... Looking towards the window, another sigh escaped him. Okay, so... Breaking a window, huh...? Okay, that was a really stupid idea. He couldn't... And shouldn't do that...
Hold on a second...?
The back door. They had a back door.
Yes, Sasori remembered now... He had promised to come over and play some video games with Deidara, during a rainy fall afternoon... He had arrived and no one answered the front door, so he had eventually discovered the door on the back. Unlocked, to his pleasure. Well... At first it had been to his pleasure. But after walking in on Deidara and Itachi making out on the couch in the living-room... He had wished there had been no doors to the house at all.
This time, he was pretty sure he wasn't going to walk in on anything disgusting and heartbreaking like that.
Deidara would probably be the only one in there, and Sasori was going to be the one to look after him. Of course, he wasn't going to act like a lover. Sasori was destined to keep his love away from Deidara, no matter what. It would just be selfish to confess; Everything in their lives – both of them – would be messed up. Sasori didn't want any drama like that. He was bothering Deidara enough already. It was better if Sasori was the only one suffering. After all, he only wanted the best for his love.
The door on the back was indeed unlocked this time too. Sasori easily got inside of the house and closed the door, taking his wet shoes off, careful not to let any snow inside. If Itachi wouldn't have been at the hospital he probably would have been there to politely greet him and ask him to take his shoes off... That jerk... It would have felt nice not having Itachi around for once, but... Knowing what was going on, and how Deidara must be feeling right now... Sasori couldn't feel any happiness or relief at all.
"Deidara, it's just me. Don't get mad... Or scared. I used the back door, since you wouldn't let me in. Is that alright?"
Sasori had never felt so... Weak and scared around Deidara. Even if the blonde wasn't even in sight, he felt so... Careful. Too careful. Deidara and him would usually argue and be a bit more... Harsh together. This felt so unusual... Everything about this day was just pissing Sasori off, so much! Couldn't he have just stayed at home and read books? Damn it, Deidara... Stubborn, beautiful bastard. He was going to teach Itachi how to drive a fucking car proberly after he was done with this bullshit...
"I know you can hear me, assho- Deidara! I... Come on, I know what happened... It's okay, Deidara, it's all going to be fine, we'll... Talk about this, just... I don't know why you didn't want me to know but I... I care about you and I want to... I-I... Want to b-be there... For you..."
… What the hell was he even saying? He was embarrassing himself. This was really not the time to be a dork. "Where are you?" Deciding to ignore his moronic rambling, Sasori dropped his coat and scarf on the floor, before stepping inside. The hall was empty and dead-silent, but he could feel it. Someone's presence. He was not alone...
The kitchen was empty and clean as always... Had Deidara been eating these past days?
Living-room was empty and untouched too. Hadn't he tried to keep his mind occupied?
Even the bedroom seemed completely empty. Wasn't he sleeping?
There was no life in the house... It was almost scaring Sasori a bit. The only places left were the art-room, guestroom or bathroom. Bathroom... Maybe he was taking a shower? Was that why he wasn't answering?
Walking to the bathroom in the hall, Sasori almost smiled when he noticed the lights were on in there. Deidara was there, after all. Knocking on the door lightly, he waited for any kind of respond... But when (as expected) none came he decided to just open the door. It seemed to be unlocked, too.
This was the second time in his life.
Opening an unlocked door.
Walking inside.
Seeing something disgusting.
And heartbreaking.
Déjà vu was nothing he felt often. But he was, now. Except something was very wrong... He wasn't looking at Itachi and Deidara making out on the living-room couch. He was looking at something cutting itself.
Something. It was something. A thing.
It couldn't be Deidara. That wasn't Deidara... Deidara wasn't a weak, stupid and hopeless piece of shit. He had a sunny, bright and nice atmosphere around him, all of the time. Not a dark, depressed and dying one.
What was it doing? That piece of shit.
"You piece of shit."
It had just... Automatically slipped out. Sasori couldn't think right now. He was busy. Trying to register the images of the box cutter slowly making cuts on that flawless skin. He was so beautiful. Deidara was so beautiful... His skin was so beautiful. But with the blood dripping down his arm, the cuts all over the lean skin, the hand holding the sharp tool... He was disgusting Sasori.
What was he doing? Why was he destroying himself? With his own hands. Sasori didn't understand what the hell was going on... "Yeah." Was all Deidara said. He finally answered, but honestly all Sasori wanted right now was silence. Deidara shutting up. That's what he wanted. That piece of shit...
"You piece of shit... You piece of shit... You... You piece. Of shit."
"I got it the first time, un."
Suddenly, the redhead felt like ripping someone's head off.
Frustration.
But, instead, he narrowed his brown eyes slightly and walked up to Deidara who was casually sitting on the toilet seat, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a... Such a dark expression on his face. His hair was a mess, he looked like he had... He wasn't looking too good. He didn't look like Deidara. It was really creeping Sasori out. This was all so scary...
Grabbing the sharp object from his love, Sasori threw it away in a random direction; It didn't matter where as long as Deidara couldn't reach it. Looking at the blonde again, seeing him frown up at him, his blue eyes empty and almost... Disappointed when the knife was taken away from him. Sasori's hand instantly tensed up.
He slapped the other.
A few times.
Hoping he would wake up.
"You're a fucking piece of shit... Asshole."
Deidara looked up at him with slightly widened eyes for a while... Until he shook his head a bit, looking away. He didn't say anything. Like he had... No objections.
"Why... Why wouldn't you want to tell me? Why are you- I don't understand..." How could someone stir up so many emotions inside of a man who never felt anything for anyone before... How... Why was these feelings so powerful? Love, friendship, jealousy, grief, disappointment...
Sasori hated feelings.
No... He hated humans.
Despised them.
Especially weak humans. These ones.
Like him, Sasori thought, looking down at his blonde 'friend'. It was so disturbing, how his mentally strong and passionate Deidara had dropped down to this level. So quickly. How could he be so selfish? Sure, Sasori understood; It was ITACHI. It was a big deal. But would he go far enough to actually kill himself? Was he selfish enough to leave everyone behind? Leave him, Konan, Tobi, Kisame- Everyone behind?
No. No, that wasn't something his beloved Deidara would do.
Sasori didn't understand why... How could he still want to hold Deidara after seeing him like this? He wanted to slap him... But he still wanted to comfort him... Make sure he wouldn't make any mistakes. Normally, Sasori would never want to do that for anyone. Especially not after seeing them like this. Such low-lives, Sasori would never bother with...
That's why Sasori was assured that Deidara was no human. He was something else.
Sasori was glaring at something else.
"Deidara... Don't do this... This is an over-reactio-..."
Sasori's words suddenly melted away, hearing Deidara chuckle a bit. He watched the blonde stand up, his legs shaking slightly. No, his whole body was shaking. Damn it, how much blood had he lost? Sasori almost hit himself for being so stupid. Disgusting or not, Sasori had to help him...
Grabbing the nearest towel, he grabbed Deidara's arm and wrapped the towel around it, as hard as he could, "I don't understand..."
"You would never." Deidara replied, cold eyes looking at Sasori's hands as he wrapped the towel around Deidara's cuts. "You never lost it. The most important, valuable and loveable thing in your life. You never lost it, and you never will. Because you don't have anyone like that. Do you understand? No. You don't. Because you don't have it."
"I got it the first time." Sasori repeated the blonde's words, looking at him with a dead-serious look. Deidara... Or, this thing, the thing Sasori was looking at... It was so... Vulnerable. Each word was coated with fear, sorrow and depression, instead of life, energy and passion. "Itachi will be fine."
"D-DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" Biting his lip, Deidara got up from the toilet seat and walked away. To the doorway, where he could still see Sasori. But he was just looking down on the floor instead. He felt weak. And cold. Lost too much blood. "Humans are fleeting, like... Art. They disappear sometimes. It's normal. But why him... It hurt so much. Not even real pain hurts anymore. The pain on my skin feels so fleeting... But he... I know it... I just know he is going to hurt me with this forever. It hurts. Eternal pain hurts... Why would he... Why would this happen..." Swallowing, the blonde looked up, "You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't see me like this. Just go..."
"You're not going to kill yourself to see Itachi in heaven, are you?"
At that, Deidara bit his lip a lot harder than last time. Looking away from his friend, he didn't shake his head... Neither did he nod...
Deidara hated it... He hated how well Sasori knew him... He hated how he knew him better than Itachi did... How he could read him. And he hated that he acted so eternal when he wasn't... Never effected by anyone in life, he seemed so unbreakable. Like a car-crash would never kill him.
It would, of course, but the he always acted like it wouldn't. Like nothing could ever hurt him.
.
Only Deidara.
He hated that.
He acted so cold and insouciant about everything around him. Never showing his true self to anyone. Never speaking of his inner feelings or private life. And always keeping a straight face in public. He acted like an unbreakable puppet, always... Like he was made out of steel, and could take anything. But with Deidara... He was so different. Opened up. Letting lose, dropping his facade and sharing what was within him...
Deidara always hated the feeling of knowing he could hurt the other, so easily.
"I want to die if I can't be with him... You jerk..."
"He'll be alri-"
"He's DEAD. Dead, dead, deeeaaad. Don't be so damn slow, un..."
"I... I'm not slow. I actually got that, the first moment Konan told me with that look on her face. But, unlike you, I was strong enough to at least believe in him for a little while."
"..."
Deidara's silence soon turned into quiet sobbing. Tears running down his face, down to the floor... He held his hand over his mouth, a louder sob escaping him as he shut his eyes as hard as he could, just wishing, praying for the endless tears to stop. He had cried enough these past days... His body shaking slightly, he leaned against the doorframe, about to collapse when Sasori grabbed him. Very softly... Very carefully putting his arms around him.
Itachi was the only person Deidara had ever adored. Sure, he had flaws like anyone else, but he was... He was Deidara's love. For some... Weird reasons. Deidara never understood it himself; He had hated Itachi when he first met him. How could he fall in love with someone he hated? It had scared him at first... Then interested him. Human feelings could be so interesting and fun to explore. Itachi had proved it. Each day had been full of different emotions.
Then suddenly, he lost... All of it. Everything including Itachi.
And Itachi included everything.
Happiness, love, frustration, adoration, anger, arguments, dates, discussions, pleasure, loyalty and commitment.
He had everything. Besides eternality.
Deidara felt somewhat... Safe with Sasori here. Scared, ashamed, angry and annoyed... But so safe. Sasori always did that... He always comforted Deidara without barely doing anything.
Forever true and changeless. Deidara surely knew he would always have him. But after hearing that his fiancee was... Gone...
Not even Sasori seemed to be worth seeing anymore. Because he was fleeting too, wasn't he? They all were. All humans were. And it was scaring Deidara so much right now... So why did Sasori's presence still feel as comforting and safe as ever...?
"Deidara..."
The way he said his name so softly, while holding the crying blonde, rubbing his back in comfort. His voice was soft but still held some of Deidara's own emotions in it. Like fear. And discomfort.
But he sounded so very genuine.
"I'm still here. I'm going to help you."
"I-I don't need you-"
"You don't need anyone... You're strong. I know you wouldn't kill yourself, Deidara." Sighing a bit, Sasori hesitated, but he suddenly put his hand very carefully in Deidara's. In a very comforting manner. Something Sasori normally would never do... Try to give him a comforting touch. But seeing Deidara cry was killing him. "I'll be here for you and I'll never disappear from your side. At least not until you pass this period in your life."
"I'll never pass this period." Deidara said in a serious mumble, his blue eyes empty and sad. "I'll never get over his death..."
"That means I'll be here for you, forever."
A rather tense silence filled the room for a while. The two friends didn't exactly look at each other and Deidara made sure the tears would only come silently, if they wanted to escape that badly. None of them could believe it, of course.
Death wasn't easy to believe. It never was.
Sasori could admit he was sad about this. But he couldn't say Itachi was the person he felt sorry for. It was Deidara. He was the one suffering... He was the one who lost his everything. And even if Sasori despised that everything... He had to support him.
"Danna..." Deidara murmurred the nickname after a while, looking at his best friend instead as he leaned away from him slightly, ending the hug. He was assured no one could understand his pain right now. The aching feeling in his heart, knowing he had lost someone so dear to him, forever. Deidara didn't even think he himself understood his feelings at the moment, but hearing Sasori say those comforting and safe words... Feeling his embrace and his calming touch... It was making Deidara realize Sasori was probably the only person he could be around right now. Even if Deidara hated it, Sasori was the only one who truly understood him, and who Deidara could talk to about... Anything.
So he decided not to chase him out of the house. And he decided not to kill himself.
Sasori was right.
Killing himself would be a pathetic and selfish act. Even if it sounded like the easiest way out right now, it only mean he would lose everyone else in his life too, with his own hands. He couldn't do that...
"I'll order some chinese take-out." Sasori said, completely out of the blue. The silence once again returned... Chinese food was Deidara's favorite. Sasori had decided to stay here and keep and eye on his friend; Take care of his love. Even if the blonde was crying and being heartbroken about someone who Sasori disliked with a passion... He was going to do his best to stay by his side. Sasori wasn't like Itachi... He would never leave Deidara.
A very weak, shaking and unsecure "Thanks..." was heard in a mumble, after what had to be a few minutes. Sasori could only give a small nod, but to be honest the 'thank you' had been a bit relieving. Just a bit.
Because it proved that this person was still Deidara. Even if he was weak, sad and filled with depression right now... It was still him. There was still a little bit of that sunny, happy and sweet energy in there. He wasn't going to kill himself. Or hurt himself. Sasori could hear it. He was still strong, after all of this...
Deidara wasn't human. But he wasn't a piece of shit either.
He was Sasori's moronic, sweet and passionate angel.
"You're welcome, Deidara."
At that moment, they were both pretty sure the two of them were going to spend a lot of time together. Sasori would be there, right beside Deidara, for a very long time.
Maybe an eternity?
Maybe none of them minded.
Hey! Long time no see, huh?
I really want to apologize for the ridiculously long wait, you guys! Some of you even messaged me and asked me about the next chapter! And, just so we're all clear; Chapter 2 and 3 have been ready for many, many weeks now! I've had one little problem though. I saved the chapters on a different computer. And I didn't have access to that computer until now!
So, NO, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS FANFICTION!
Read my lips; If I start working on a request, I never leave it unfinished. My own fanfictions? Yeah, I kind of suck at remembering those. But I don't like leaving people waiting, like a dear gentleman we all know.
Take care guys, and hope you enjoyed! Leave a review, it's so motivating, they make my day! Until next time!
/Love Pany