The car ride home is dead silent; although the tension between us could be felt all around. While Dahvie drives back to the house; I let Lucian's words fill my mind. I have to think about what I truly want. Yes, I want to have Dahvie; to be able to hold him close and tell him I love him and know he feels the same way. But to change the way Dahvie feels for my own joy; it's just so wrong! I don't know if I could live with myself if I did that. But Dahvie would still be Dahvie; after all the only thing that will have changed is the way he sees me.

Dahvie pulls the car into the driveway and shuts it off. I get out and walk into the house; Dahvie follows close behind. I start to head for my room, but Dahvie stops me.

"Jayy, where are you going?" he asks me.

"Bed," I say shortly.

"We should talk about what happened," Dahvie tells me.

"There's nothing to talk about," I insist.

"I just want to know things are ok with us," he says, "I don't want our friendship to get weird because of this."

"Why would it?" I say bitterly, "It'll just go back to the way it was before. My feelings were secret and you can go play with all the whores you want."

"Jayy," he begins, but I cut him off.

"Don't even try to tell me that's not how it was," I shout, "You know that's exactly how things were. I never said anything though. I guess I was secretly hoping you were doing it to hide feelings for me or something. I was wrong, big whoop. Yeah, it sucks, but I'll get over it."

"But," Dahvie stutters, tears starting to well up in his eyes. My words are obviously hurting him.

"No buts Dahvie," I tell him sternly, "There's nothing you can say that'll make this better."

"But-"

"Stop Dahvie. Just, just stop."

Dahvie looks at the ground and says nothing. He's crying now, but I'm too hurt to care. Without saying anything I stomp out of the room and walk to my bedroom. I slam the door behind me and sit on the edge of my bed. Tears run down my face as I start crying again. That was uncalled for; I shouldn't have blown up at Dahvie like that. I reacted out of pain and ended up hurting the one I care most about. Glancing at the door, I consider going to apologize. But that might just do more damage. Instead I pull a duffel bag out of the closet and start to throw clothes into it. It might be best if I leave for a few days, until I can calm down enough to talk to Dahvie rationally. A knock at the door catches my attention.

"Jayy?" I hear Dahvie say lightly from the other side.

"What," I snap at him.

"I want to talk to you," he tells me.

"I've already told you there's nothing to talk about," I say coldly.

"Please Jayy," Dahvie begs, "I want things to be ok."

"Fine," I say defeatedly. He's obviously not gonna leave me alone until we talk. Dahvie slowly opens the door and walks in.

"Hey," he says as he enters.

"Hey," I say surprisingly calmly. One look at Dahvie tells me that he's been crying for a while. His eyes are all red and bloodshot and the skin on his cheeks were still streaked with tears.

"Jayy," Dahvie begins, "I want you to honestly tell me how you feel about me."

"I already did," I tell him as I walk over to my closet to pull more clothes out of it, "At the bar."

"Yeah," he says, "But I want to hear it again."

"Why?" I mutter, "So you can just reject me again?"

"No, Jayy. I'm just trying to understand how you feel."

"You won't understand. You'll never understand!"

"Maybe, maybe not. But at least I can try to."

"Fine. Dahvie, I love you. I have for a while. I've wanted to tell you, but was afraid you're opinion of me would change."

Dahvie doesn't say anything, but seems as if he's trying to take my words in. After a few minutes of this, he looks up at me.

"Jayy," he tells me, trying to wipe my tears away with his hand, "I love you too, but not in the same way. I love you as a brother and a friend."

My tears continue to fall and I lay my head on Dahvie's shoulder. His rejection still hurts, but this time it's a little more bearable. I feel Dahvie wrap his arms around me and pull me close; trying to comfort me.

"I'm sorry," I cry, regretting all the horrible things I had said to him earlier. "I was a dick, I should never have said those things to you."

"It's ok, Jayy," he assures me, "You were hurt. I understand."

"It's not ok," I yell, shaking in his arms, "In my pain, I've hurt the only person that I never want to see upset."

"Jayy, don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it."

"But what if I had meant it?! What if you thought I meant it?! In my heartache I could've lost not only the one I love, but my best friend as well!"

"Jayy, calm down! It's ok, you don't have to worry."

I say nothing else but cry in Dahvie's arms. Even after all the nasty things I said to him, he's still here for me. God he's so amazing! It makes me want him even more! Suddenly a realization hits me. Dahvie is my everything; the only person that brings light to my life.

"Dahvie," I say weakly, "I want you to promise me something."

"What is it, Jayy?" he asks.

"Promise me that you'll always be there for me," I tell him, "That you'll never leave or forget about me."

"Jayy," Dahvie says uncertainly, "I don't know if I can promise that."

"Not as a lover," I assure him, "Please Dahvie, I don't know if I can go on if my bestfriend isn't there for me."

"I promise to be there for you," Dahvie tells me, "Just Jayy, please stop crying. It kills me to see you so upset."

I nod and try to calm myself. It's pretty hard, but after a few minutes feel myself beginning to calm down. Dahvie pulls away from me and looks me in the eyes.

"You ok now?' he asks me.

"Yeah," I say shakily, "I think I am."

"Are you sure?" he asks again, his eyes falling to the half packed bag on my bed.

"Yeah," I say, tossing the bag onto the floor, "I'm fine."

"Ok, then I'm gonna head to bed," he tells me as he walks to the door, "Good night Jayy."

"Good night Dahvie," I tell him as he leaves.

After Dahvie's gone I lay down on my bed and cry silently. He may be convinced I'm fine; but in reality my spirit has broken.