Chapter Four
I open my eyes slowly. I see I'm still in the hospital, I was almost hoping that was a dream. When I called Gregg yesterday he seemed odd. He said I could stay at home as long as necessary. He would just consider this my maternity leave. Which technically this is because I did give birth and am still healing.
I hear Finnick talking to someone.
"Yeah Annie gave birth to a little girl. Our little girl. She's fine. Our daughter? She's okay at the moment but, she won't be going home with us anytime soon."
I turn to him with a smile.
"Who's that?" I whisper.
"Mom." He mouths.
I nod and roll over.
I press the nurse station button while Finnick is still on the phone.
I ask for Advil because of the pain in my area. They gave me special underwear to wear so I won't bleed everywhere.
There are lots of things television shows don't share with you. I expected everything from what the doctor told me but I didn't think it would be this bad. I've had a few small contractions still. I'm bleeding almost 24/7 while my uterus is trying to get back to normal.
I really wish a guy could experience something like this. I think I would feel a little better if I just got to hold my daughter.
After the nurse comes in and looks at me she gives me pain pills.
Finnick hangs up the phone.
"Are you okay?" Finnick asks me and kisses the top of my head.
I sigh.
"I hurt all over from giving birth, I'm almost afraid to go to the bathroom for how badly it hurts, I keep bleeding, my breasts are starting to hurt because the milk is coming in, and I haven't seen our daughter." I say with no emotion.
Finnick sighs and holds my hand. He kisses me softly.
"I'm sorry Annie. I wish I could take some of the pain you're feeling away." He says and strokes my hair.
"I just really want to see her." I say. "The other stuff doesn't really matter." I say. It does matter but not as much as our daughter. I don't even want to look at myself down there. I've literally had to ice my genitals. You expect giving birth to hurt but not what'll happen after. Except holding a cute little baby in your arms.
Finnick starts rubbing my shoulders.
"You'll probably be able to see her soon." He says.
I'm so jealous of Finnick. I'm sure he can tell from how I'm complaining. I'm acting like a teenager. Finnick doesn't seem to mind, I think it's because he understands.
"Why did your Mom call?" I ask.
"She wanted to ask if I wanted any of my childhood keepsakes because she is cleaning out the basement."
"And you told her I gave birth as well?" I ask. I sound annoyed for some reason.
"Yes." Finnick says confused.
"Why?" I ask.
"Why?" Finnick asks confused and I nod. "Because I wanted to share that we have a daughter now." He smiles and kisses my cheek.
I sigh.
"What's wrong?" Finnick asks now worried. "Did you not want anyone to know?" He asks.
"It's not that." I clear my throat. "I just want to make sure she's safe first."
Finnick kisses me.
"I won't tell anyone else then." He says.
"No. I wanted to tell my Mom." I say softly.
Finnick nods.
"I just don't want everyone to know. Not until I know she's safe." I whisper.
"Okay." He says and kisses me. "Maybe you should try to rest. I think it might make you feel better." He says and rubs my shoulders which are sore from labor.
"Okay." I whisper. I'm sure it will help and it's not like I can see our daughter. "Wake me up if you find out anything." I say.
He nods.
I do call my Mom. She's excited but I could also tell she was worried. At least I'm not the only person who isn't very excited.
"Here you go Annie." Finnick says and hands me a milkshake. I can eat whatever now so, I let Finnick get me food that's not so great for me.
It's been a couple days since I've given birth. I'm supposed to be going home soon, probably tomorrow.
I know our daughter won't be coming home with us. They haven't said it but I know. She's isn't in a good enough condition. She still can't really breath, eat, or go potty by herself. She also has jaundice now. That can be treated but since she has such a low immune system I don't know what to expect.
With all this going on Finnick still needed to call our insurance. They won't be covering everything. Finnick and I aren't in financial debt but we will have to spend less money now. I don't think it's fair because our baby does need all of this stuff but we can't exactly fight the insurance company. Finnick has tried but neither of us are in the best mood. Emotionally drained I think is the best way to describe it.
I still haven't gotten to see her. Finnick hasn't gotten to hold her but he has seen her in her incubator.
"She looks good today." He says and takes a bite from his sandwich.
"Does she still look yellow?" I ask.
"A little but, they said she was reacting well to the treatment."
"That's good." I whisper and take a long sip from my milkshake.
"You okay?" He asks.
I shake my head. Finnick seems more excited about her than I do.
"Aren't you scared? Aren't you worried what is going to happen to our daughter? She's really sick-"
"Annie shhh." He says and hugs me.
"I guess I'm not very happy or excited because I don't want to get myself worked up when my heart might break in half. I don't want to get too excited in case she never makes it home."
"You can't think like that Annie." He says and strokes my hair.
"How can I not?" I whisper.
"You can't discharge me yet my daughter is still here." I say harshly. I knew she wouldn't be coming home with us but I didn't think they would have me leave the hospital.
I also didn't expect it to hurt this badly leaving my baby. I carried her around. She lived inside me for almost eight months. I could feel her growing with life.
I sniffle.
"You are two different patients. It would be best for everyone if you go home. Your body still hasn't fully recovered from giving birth." The nurse says gently.
"But my daughter-" I say softly.
"She's in good hands Annie." Finnick says gently and kisses my forehead.
I nod.
"And we will call you when any new developments happen." The nurse says.
"See they'll tell us as soon as she gets better." Finnick says gently.
"Or worse." I mutter. I don't think the nurse heard but since Finnick kisses the top of my head I know he did.
"I'm gonna pull the car around Annie." Finnick says and the nurse wheels me down to the exit.
It is hospital policy that patients need to be escorted out on a wheelchair.
I see our car waiting. Finnick helps me into it.
"Finnick I don't need to go home." I say as we start to leave the parking garage.
I wipe a tear that has made its escape from my eye.
"Annie you should, even if it's for a few hours. Won't it be nice to sleep in our own bed. Won't it be nice to take a shower? Won't it be nice to eat different food-"
"I don't care about that stuff." I whimper as a few more tears escape.
"Annie we should go home that's what the doctors said. They said for just a few days. I can stay at the hospital and watch our daughter if you want." He says.
I breathe in and out deeply.
"It will be okay Ann." He says gently.
I put my hands over my face. I just want to block out the world right not but I can't. It just rolls over me like a wave. I start sobbing.
"She was supposed to be going home with us." I whimper. "She was… she was…" I become overwhelmed and can no longer talk I just sob.
Finnick's driving so he can't really comfort me.
When I'm cried out I sniffle.
I rub the tears and snot from my eyes.
Finnick just drives in silence.
"We should name her." Finnick says after a few minutes. It's been almost four days and we haven't named her yet. I guess we didn't have the time. Or we didn't want to yet. "We can't use pronouns for the rest of her life." Finnick smiles.
I sniffle.
"Finnick-" I start not really wanting to discuss this.
"My Grandma wants a granddaughter named Grace; after her." Finnick starts. "Although I'm not sure how I feel about that."
I sniffle.
"I've always liked Emily or Amelia." He says trying to distract me.
I clear my throat.
"Olivia that should be her name." I say softly. I've always been fond of this name and you don't meet many Olivia's these days. It's unique enough to not sound made up or stupid.
I don't look at him. I'm scared he'll hate the name.
"I love it." He says. I turn towards him and see he is smiling. "Maybe we could honor my Grandma in the middle name?" Finnick asks.
"Olivia Grace Odair." I whisper. "I love it." I whimper.
"Me too." He says.
I lean the chair back.
The hospital is almost two hours from our house.
I lean the chair back and close my eyes.
I'm only half asleep when I hear Finnick's voice. At first I think he is talking to me but then I hear him say Mom.
"Annie's fine. She's just tired and emotional." Finnick says. "I'm fine Mom."
I can vaguely make out what his Mom is saying.
"And my granddaughter?" I hear her say excited and worried.
"Her name is Olivia Grace." He says and I smile that we finally named her.
"Honored your Grandma." She says in approval.
"Yes." Finnick says.
"But how is she?"
"I don't know. She's really sick. Her lungs are underdeveloped and she might be getting an infection."
"Oh sweetie-"
"The doctors there aren't very upbeat either. They make sure you know what the realistic factor is."
"What does that mean sweetie?" His Mom asks. I would like to know as well. I didn't get to spend much time in the NICU. I didn't even know she was getting an infection.
"If Olivia can go home."
"Oh sweetie. Do you know when that will be?"
"I don't know. Olivia isn't doing too well at the moment."
"How is Annie reacting to all of this?" She asks.
"She doesn't have all the information. Annie wasn't always allowed in the NICU."
"You didn't tell her?"
"I couldn't. She keeps blaming herself."
"She's going to find out Finnick. You can't keep her from the hospital. She's going to go and see her daughter, your daughter."
"I know but, Olivia changes daily. I shouldn't worry about everything yet."
"But if Annie doesn't understand the seriousness of this-"
"She knows." He says. He's right I do know. I keep thinking she's going to stop breathing. I keep thinking she is going to die. I don't think Finnick has grasped the seriousness of this yet. I don't think he wants to accept that our daughter is virtually dying.
I make a moaning noise.
"Ann?" I hear him say.
"I'm fine." I say.
"I'll call you back Mom." Finnick says.
"You're not supposed to talk and drive." I say and fix my seat. "You should remember that when Olivia is in the back seat."
"You feel better?" He asks.
I sigh.
"I'd be lying if I said yes."
Finnick nods.
"I'm sure you'll feel a little better after you can sleep at home." Finnick says.
"I think I'll feel a little better once I'm closer to Olivia." I say. Finnick nods.
Finnick sets the keys in the bowl and sits down.
I go to take a shower. I haven't in three days.
I walk out and get dressed. I head to the kitchen, I want something to munch on.
"Finnick?" I say.
"Yeah?" He says.
I clear my throat.
"What time will we be leaving tomorrow?" I ask.
He sighs.
"Annie, I think you should stay one full day at home."
"I'll just be wondering about her." I say.
"Me too but, you need to take care of you Annie. The doctors said you should relax for a couple days."
I lean into Finnick.
"Check on her then. Stay at the hospital all day. She needs to know we love her." I whisper.
Finnick wipes a tear away.
"She will." Finnick says and kisses my cheek.
The days go by, some are good, while others are bad. The doctors here don't want to give you any false sense of hope. They want to make sure you understand that your child is very sick and that there is a high possibility they will die.
Oliva has been here two weeks. She's getting better. They say we might be able to start feeding her by ourselves.
Finnick and I have only gotten to hold her once. It felt nice but, strange as well. She still had things hooked up to her.
Finnick and I have awkward conversations with the other parents in the NICU. The ones who talk to us just to seek out conversations. I think they just want someone to listen to them. I think they want someone to talk to because they know they can understand.
Although when I see the couple of baby girl Martha get worse so does my stomach.
Some of the couples in here are so cold to one another that I wonder if they were always like that or if their sick child is making them do this. I could never be so cold to Finnick.
One day we saw a little boy die from heart failure. It was so sad.
I swallow hard. Finnick had to go back to work. He's only going part time. I don't need to go because this is my maternity leave. Gregg understood. He has a five year old girl and a two year old boy. I could tell he felt sorry for us.
I hear my phone go off as I'm watching Olivia in the hospital.
"Hey." I say and smile.
"How is she?" Finnick asks.
"She seems to be doing well. Although I'm not good at deflecting the parents. So the Parkers and I had a depressing conversation." I say. The Parkers have been here for almost two months. They're baby is doing well. But they think he will never go home.
They like asking about what is wrong number with Olivia. I don't want to share that information. The people Finnick and I are close to don't even have that information.
"Don't worry I will be there soon." He says.
Although soon is two hours. Finnick and I stay with her for a few hours before we go home. The nurses say everything with Olivia is doing well.
I don't always like leaving her but, when the nurses say everything is fine I feel more comfortable.
"I think we'll be able to take her home soon." Finnick says.
"I hope so." I whisper and look out the car window.
"She's getting better Annie." He says with a smile.
"I know." I say.